by Griffin, Gen
“I thought Gauge said he might still be alive?”
“Don't get your hopes up. Cannibals don't tend to show their food a whole lot of mercy.”
Her words stung. I bit my lip and tried to fight my urge to cry. “I want to believe he's still alive. I'll find him if I search this city from top to bottom.”
“He could be alive,” Lola agreed. “But what are you going to do if he's not?”
“I don't know.” The truth was that I hadn't allowed myself to consider the possibility that dad was dead. I definitely hadn't spent any time thinking about what I was going to do with my life if both my parents were gone.
“Has Seth asked you to join the Church of Chaos?” Lola's question took me completely by surprise.
“No. Not to join the Church. Not specifically.” I glanced down at my hands. They were shaking slightly. “He's said he wants me to stay with him, but after today I don't want to be anywhere near him.”
Lola frowned thoughtfully. She had a tortilla chip in her hand but she seemed to have forgotten it was there. “He killed your mother.”
“He did.” The image of Seth delivering the final killing blow was burned onto the inside of my eyelids. “I'm so mad at Seth that I don't care if I ever see him again as long as I live.”
“Then don't,” Lola said.
“What do you mean?”
“You don't have to see him again if you don't want to. You aren't a member of the Church of Chaos. You don't belong to him. You can walk away.”
“I know. Why do you think I have everything I own in my backpack?” I kicked at the bag that was sitting next to my foot. The waitress came back to the table and Lola ordered food for both of us. A double order of fajitas.
Lola waited until after the waitress had left with our order to begin speaking again. “What do you want from your life, Pilar?”
“I-.” I hesitated. “I honestly have no idea. My life used to be all planned out, but that was before.”
“Before?”
“Before my parents disappeared from inside the Cube. Before I joined the Scavengers. Before I even knew there was a city here or that the Church of Chaos existed.”
“Before Seth walked into your life.” Lola said the words plainly.
“Before Seth walked into my life. Before Drake Bledsoe knew my name. Before everything.”
“Do you want that life back?”
“I don't think I can get that life back,” I told her. “All the people I've ever loved are dead. Even if I went back to the Cube tomorrow and went back to my old job in the hospital ward, I'd still know that the Powers That Be are snatching my neighbors out of their beds at night and selling them to the highest bidder. Every time I opened another disgusting can of thirty year old food, I'd know that the only reason I'm eating it is so that the zombie virus won't contaminate my body and make me unsalable in the meat market.”
“It's an ugly truth,” Lola said as the waitress brought our food and set it down in front of us. The plate was steaming with delicious smelling meat and veggies, but my appetite was gone.
“I can't go back.” I realized the words were true as soon as they came out of my mouth. “I'll never be able to go back.”
“But you don't want join the Church of Chaos either?” Lola pressed the issue.
“I haven't really thought much about what I'll do.” I stared down at my food. It smelled wonderful but I wasn't hungry. I hadn't been hungry ever since I'd learned that I needed to worry about not just what was on my plate, but who. “I've been completely focused on getting my parents back. Now that I know they're gone, I feel lost.”
“Why don't you stay in Ra-Shet?”
“Stay here?” I was startled by her suggestion. It seemed so simple.
“Yes. Stay here. Get a job. Buy a house. Live a completely normal life. The cleaning crews are always hiring. You wouldn't have any problem finding employment.”
“I was a nurse in the Cube.”
“Aren't you too young to be a nurse?” Lola asked.
“Not in the Cube. They start our job training when we turn ten.”
“And you're sixteen now, right?”
I nodded.
“You could probably get on with the hospital here. You have experience.”
“You really think I should stay in the city and just get a job?”
“Depends on what you want from life,” Lola said. She stuffed a tortilla with the meat and cooked peppers and then rolled it into a tight ball. “If you want to have any hope of living a normal, peaceful life then you need to walk away from Seth. Just walk away from him and don't look back.”
“Walk away from Seth, settle down in the city and try to lead a normal life?” I asked. “You make it sound so easy.”
“I never said it would be easy,” Lola corrected me. “But if you stay with him much longer, you're going to become a part of his delusions.”
“Delusions?”
“Seth isn't a god.”
“I know that,” I acknowledged.
“He's not a prophet either. He can't see the future any more clearly than you or I can.”
“You don't think his prophecies are real?” I asked, recalling Seth's comments about my own supposed ability to control zombies.
“The prophecies are Seth's excuse to do whatever he wants. The truth about Seth is that he's never been able to stomach the thought of being an average person. Even before Seth changed into whatever he is now, he never saw the point in working an honest day's work for an honest wage. He always thought he was too good for the Burroughs. Too good to have to spend his days cleaning up other people's messes or hauling rock out of the quarry.”
“But what about his followers?”
“Seth accidentally stumbled across a way to make humans immune to zombies. Becoming 'changed' was a total fluke that he's used to his advantage. If Seth really wanted to help people, he'd share his secrets with the world. If everyone knew how to 'change' then no one would have to worry about being eaten by a zombie ever again. The king would lose almost all the power he has over the people in this city. There would be no need for the meat market. There would be no reason to be afraid of zombies. If Seth would just tell the truth, we could all be free.”
“Oh wow.” Her perspective was eye-opening for me.
“Unfortunately, Seth is a selfish bastard on a power trip. He has the power to save the world, but he has no interest in doing it because saving the world doesn't suit Seth's mood.”
“You really think he could save the world if he wanted to?” I asked.
“I don't think there is much that Seth Ra couldn't do, if he wanted to. The words being 'if he wanted to', because Seth is incredibly selfish. Honestly, it surprised me that he was helping you.” Lola took a deep breath and then exhaled. “I can't figure out what he has to gain by saving your parents.”
“What makes you think he has anything to gain by saving my parents?”
“Seth doesn't help people for the sake of being a good person,” Lola said. “He's helping you for a reason.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her about how I supposedly tied into the prophecies, but something in the gleam of her amber eyes unsettled me enough that the words died on my tongue. Instead I shrugged my shoulders. “Vera says I'm Helen of Troy.”
Lola snorted back a bitter laugh. “Helen of Troy?”
“She thinks that Seth only wanted me because of Drake.”
“Drake was the monster we saw in the bunker today, wasn't he?” Lola asked.
I cringed and tried not to think about the rotted creature Drake had become. “He used to be the leader of the Scavengers. He and Seth didn't get along.”
“And you were romantically involved with Drake?” Lola guessed.
“Back before my life turned into a walking nightmare, my best friend and I were obsessed with Drake. He was tall, muscular and just incredibly sexy in every way. He was famous in the Cube. Famous for being handsome. Famous for being brave. He was just
the guy of every girl's dreams.” I shrugged my shoulders helplessly. I felt like I was doing a really lousy job of explaining. “Julienne used to go out of her way to run into him, literally. I think she spilled at least 10 drinks on him while trying to get him to notice her.”
“Oh, that must have been hilarious to watch,” Lola said with a small smile.
“It was. Especially since we were a couple of years younger than he was and he never paid us the time of day. He always had half a dozen different girlfriends, but we didn't care. For some reason, Julienne and I were just certain that if he ever noticed that we were alive, he would immediately become a one woman man.”
“I take it that it didn't work out that way?” Lola asked.
“Not hardly.” I wrinkled my nose at the memories. “I was so flattered when Drake invited me to join him at a party. I didn't even know that he knew my name. I was just giddy with excitement.”
“How did your best friend feel about it?”
I hesitated. “Julienne died in an accident about six months before Drake noticed I was alive.”
“Oh I'm so sorry,” Lola immediately looked stricken.
“No, it's okay.” I was surprised to realize it was. “But I think that her death was one of the reasons that I let myself be so mislead by Drake. Obsessing over him had been one of our favorite pastimes, so being with him made me feel like I was close to her again. I know that sounds crazy.”
“No crazier than I sounded the other night when I saw Seth and thought he was Jeremiah,” Lola said quietly. “You fell in love with Drake.”
“I thought I was in love with Drake,” I corrected her. “He invited me to join the Scavengers and I thought it was a dream come true. Drake was sexy and fun. He treated me like I was someone special. He kept singling me out and spending time with me away from everyone else. A couple nights after we had started talking, he took me out alone and we wound up kissing in the moonlight.”
“That's romantic.”
“It was. But then it turned out that he was kissing a lot of other girls in the moonlight and everybody knew it. I found out later that I meant nothing to him. That I'd never meant anything to him and he didn't even really like me. He only talked to me because he'd been told to by the Powers That Be.”
“Why did the Powers That Be want the leader of the Scavengers to romance you?”
“I don't think they actually wanted him to romance me. I just think that it was the easiest way for him to convince me to leave the Cube with him,” I explained. “Drake was told to get me outside the Cube and kill me. My search for my parents was drawing too much attention to the disappearances that had been occurring inside the Cube. The Powers That Be wanted me dead.”
“Oh,” Lola said. “How did Seth come into the picture?”
“He and Drake are sworn enemies.”
“And you were Drake's girl.”
“Yeah. I guess so. Briefly.”
“I'm starting to see where Vera got the Helen of Troy reference.”
“Really?” I frowned. “I don't.”
“Drake and Seth were already enemies. Drake wanted you dead, so Seth must have thought that having you on his side would benefit him.” Lola pursed her lips thoughtfully. “Seth is using you.”
“I'm not particularly useful,” I said. “He hasn't gotten anything from helping me.”
“Are you kidding?” Lola asked.
“You think he's benefited from helping me?”
“I think you've given him all the ammunition he needs to take out the Powers That Be without the risk of giving away his own secrets. If the Church of Chaos can take down the Cube, then Seth will have control of every square inch of dirt for a thousand miles. He may not really be a god, but he's not opposed to being a quasi-benevolent dictator.”
“I haven't given Seth anything.”
Lola shook her head at me. “You really are naive. Seth hasn't taken over the Cube because he didn't know how things worked inside of it. Now he knows that the people who live inside the Cube aren't willing participants in Bud Moon's plans. He can use that information to turn them against the Powers That Be.”
“I actually think that turning the people against the Powers That Be is a good idea,” I mused out loud. “We aren't cattle. The people who live in the Cube are just as human as you are. We don't deserve to be sold for food.”
“No one deserves to be cannibalized,” Lola replied. “But if Seth can stir up a rebellion inside the Cube, he'll also make sure that he's the one to benefit from that rebellion. Seth despises the king of Ra-Shet. He'll use any power he gains to try to overthrow the king.”
“Why would Seth want to overthrow the king?” I asked. “He hates the city.”
“Seth hates the city because the king is either directly or indirectly responsible for murdering almost everyone Seth has ever loved,” Lola said. The expression in her amber eyes was deadly serious. “Don't lie to yourself about him, Pilar. Seth always has his own agenda and there aren't many throats he won't slit. Don't get caught standing in between Seth and what he wants.”
I swallowed a very dry bite of my fajita. “If you dislike Seth so much-.”
“Seth got Jeremiah killed,” Lola cut me off. “He's the one who told Jeremiah to go into the catacombs. He's the one who triggered the collapse.”
“Why are you telling me all of this?” I asked.
“Because I wish someone had warned me to walk away before it was too late,” she said quietly. “You could have a nice life, Pilar. I have a couple hundred dollars I could lend you. It would be enough to get yourself an apartment on the east end of the city. The money would be enough to tide you over until you got a job.”
“You're offering me a way out?”
“Yes, if you want to look at it that way. I'm giving you the chance to walk away. You don't have any reason to stay with Seth. You're not obligated to him or the Church. He may have found your parents for you, but he definitely didn't save them.”
“He killed my mother in front of me.” Saying the words out loud made them seem more real.
“It's not too late for you, Pilar. You could go back to being a normal girl. There are plenty of nice, normal people our age who live and work inside the walls of Ra-Shet. You could have friends again. You could have a normal boyfriend. Live a rewarding, normal life with no more dead bodies or zombies to deal with.”
“Unless the Powers That Be take over the city with super-zombies,” I reminded her. “If that happens, I'm still just as screwed as I would be if I stayed.”
“Normal girls don't wind up on the front lines of a war,” Lola said calmly. “You might want to think about that, because if you stay with Seth and the Church of Chaos, you'll be on the front lines of Seth's revolution. He's going to go after Bud Moon. We both know that.”
I nodded because I didn't know what else to say.
“Almost everyone who supported the Church of Chaos died during Seth and Jeremiah's last attempt at a rebellion. If you stay with Seth, there's a good chance you won't live to see your seventeenth birthday. You need to understand the risk that you'd be taking.”
“You were with Seth and you didn't die,” I said. “Two days ago you said that you wanted to leave the city with him.”
“I can take care of myself,” Lola purposefully evaded my gaze.
“If you think that walking away is such a great idea, why haven't you walked away yet?”
“I'm in too deep.” Lola toyed with her food. “Walking away stopped being an option a long time ago.”
I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “I'm so tired of playing these games. I just want to be able to trust someone. I just want to have someone at my back who I know I can count on.”
“Say you'll walk away, Pilar.” Lola looked at me pleadingly. “Seth knows you're mad at him. I'll just tell him that you've made up your mind and don't want to be involved with the Church of Chaos. You found out what happened to your parents. He'll believe me when I tell him that you decided
that your best option would be to return to as normal of a life as possible.”
“I was already planning on walking away,” I said. I didn't understand why she was trying so hard to sell me on a decision that I'd already made.
I sat quietly in my chair and mulled over everything she had said to me. Seth had killed my mother. My dad was probably dead as well. Zombies scared the shit out of me. I had no desire to go up against a horde of super-zombies. I just wanted to find a nice warm bed to crawl into and hide. Going back to living a normal life sounded pretty wonderful right this moment.
I didn't want to be a hero. I had only ever wanted to be a normal girl. Everything that Lola had said about Seth's motives for helping me made sense. He'd never cared about any stupid prophecies. He thought he could use me to destroy Drake. It was so obvious now that I was looking back at everything I'd been through.
Everyone in my life was using me. Drake used me. Seth used me. God only knew how long it would be before I wound up getting thrown into a horde of zombies by the person who was supposed to be pulling me to safety.
I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “You'll tell Seth I left?”
“Absolutely.”
“I don't want him coming after me,” I said. “I don't think I'll ever forgive him for killing my mom.”
“I'll do everything in my power to make sure you never see him again.” Lola crossed her heart with her right index finger and smiled. “I promise.”
Chapter 22
After we left the restaurant, Lola took me on a tour through the neighborhood that surrounded the Underground. She said no one would pay any attention or remember two teenage girls out shopping. She promised that the circuitous route we were taking would make it more difficult for Seth to track me down later.
We wandered through several clothing stores, two shoe stores and a wonderful store that sold paperback books. I hadn't read a book since leaving the Cube. I missed reading so I picked up a couple cheesy romances that promised to be more humor than murder. Normal girls had time to read books and I was about to become a normal girl again.