Just for the Summer

by Fay Keenan

  ‘If I’d been you, I’d have packed him straight back to his father’s for pulling a trick like that,’ Selina said as she pushed her overnight bag out of the way, so the boys could get to theirs in the boot. ‘He should have known better than to make everyone worry.’

  ‘It’s fine, Mum, honestly,’ Kate said hurriedly, not wanting to start this visit on a sour note. ‘And you’re all here now, to see baby Mia and unwind for a few days, which is great.’

  ‘Can I kip in the lounge, Mum?’ Tom asked as they headed to the house. ‘Will farts in his sleep.’

  ‘Do not!’ Will punched his brother on the arm and Tom tried not to wince.

  ‘We’ll see what Uncle Aidan and Tom have to say,’ Kate said. ‘Just fling your stuff in the bedroom at the end of the landing for now, and we’ll sort it later.’

  After a quick cup of tea, Selina headed off to book into the Travellers’ Rest, and Kate found herself slipping easily back into the role of referee-cum-parent with her two younger sons. As they alternated between showing her their holiday photos on their mobiles and arguing about which sleeping bag belonged to whom, before declaring they were ‘starving’ because Gran had only made them a sandwich for the trip and that was ‘hours’ ago, Kate relished being reunited with them. It would be a squeeze the next few days, but it was worth it to have her boys back with her. She couldn’t wait for Corey to come home, too, and then she felt she’d be able to truly relax. Somewhere in the back of her mind, the unfinished business with Harry niggled, but now wasn’t the time to worry about that. Spending time with her two sons was all that mattered.

  51

  ‘Seriously, Harry, don’t worry about it. Once Mum sees you and I are cool, she’ll stop being stressy.’

  Harry knew that the doubt was written all over his face, despite Corey’s breezy assurances. ‘Really?’

  ‘Sure.’ Corey grinned. ‘She likes you. Really. She’ll get over it.’

  ‘I’m not so sure.’

  They were clearing up for the day, straightening up books and making sure nothing had been left around the shop, especially in the Children’s section. It was amazing how many beloved cuddly toys, comforters and other trinkets were left in Vale Volumes once children got immersed in the many choices on the shelves in the corner of the shop. Harry kept a little basket tucked under the counter to store any found property and tried to update the shop’s Facebook and Instagram feeds with any finds in an attempt to reunite them with their owners. Most of the time, they did find their way home.

  ‘Well, as I see it, you’ve got two choices,’ Corey said.

  ‘Which are?’

  ‘Come back with me and have a word, apologise for jumping to conclusions and hope she forgives you, or spend the time until we all go back home hiding from her.’

  ‘Neither sounds particularly preferable.’ Harry grinned ruefully back at Corey and couldn’t help wondering when he’d started taking advice about his love life from a sixteen-year-old.

  ‘Well, it’s up to you,’ Corey said. ‘But for what it’s worth, Mum doesn’t hold grudges. And once she sees that you and I are cool, I bet she’ll get over being pissed off with you.’

  ‘I’m glad you have such faith,’ Harry replied.

  Corey stopped straightening books and turned back to face Harry. ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’

  ‘She brains me with a can of gloss paint? Shoves a paintbrush where the sun doesn’t shine?’

  ‘I’ll make sure she’s unarmed.’ Corey’s grin was infectious, and Harry found himself agreeing to walk back to Bay Tree Terrace after closing. At least he’d know, once and for all, whether he’d burned his bridges with Kate.

  As they made their way there, just after six-fifteen on a warm, sunny Willowbury evening, Harry really hoped that Corey was right. He’d hate for things to finish with Kate this way. He really did want to be part of her life or, if not, then to say goodbye on a good note rather than a sour one.

  ‘Oh, I meant to say, Mum’s next door at my Uncle Sam and Aunt Florence’s,’ Corey said as they approached the houses. ‘They’re having a bit of a get-together and some party food.’

  ‘I probably shouldn’t intrude, then,’ Harry said. He felt a stab of disappointment that he wouldn’t be able to clear the air with Kate tonight, but Corey shook his head.

  ‘Mum won’t mind. No time like the present.’

  Despite his gut screaming at him that intruding on a family celebration wouldn’t exactly be the right way to make amends, Harry found himself swept up in Corey’s optimism, and before he knew it, he was heading up the garden path to number two, Bay Tree Terrace. If it all went tits up, and Kate didn’t want to see him, then at least he could make a swift getaway, he figured.

  Corey knocked at the door, and within moments it was opened by none other than Kate herself. If she was shocked to see him hovering behind Corey on the doorstep, she did a good job of hiding it. ‘All right, Mum?’ Corey asked, sounding as normal as if he hadn’t gone AWOL, been accused of theft and then been trying to matchmake his own mother.

  ‘You and I will be having a chat later,’ Kate said, clearly unwilling to enter into a parental discussion during a family party; much less in front of Harry.

  ‘I brought Harry to see you,’ Corey continued. ‘That okay?’

  ‘Well, we are in the middle of something right now,’ Kate said. ‘Aunt Florence is playing pass the parcel with baby Mia and Tom and Aidan are about to have their first spat over who gets to hold her first. My mother’s due any minute from the Travellers’ Rest where she’s staying, and my two other sons are already here. It’s a bit of a tribe out in the garden.’ Despite her evident coolness towards Harry, he noticed the pleasure from having all of her children back with her in her eyes.

  ‘Well, I’ll go and wind up my brothers and meet my new cousin, then,’ Corey said, ‘and leave you two to it.’ He gave his mother a knowing look and scooted past her and inside the house.

  ‘Subtle,’ Kate muttered. She turned back to Harry. ‘Well?’

  Harry swallowed. She wasn’t going to make this easy for him; it was clear from her body language that she hadn’t forgiven him for their conversation earlier.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Kate,’ Harry said. ‘I should never have jumped to conclusions about Corey’s honesty; especially without talking to him first. I was stupid, and I didn’t think, and I’d hate for you to go back home without us having cleared the air.’

  ‘You’re right,’ Kate said. ‘You didn’t think, and you did jump to conclusions.’ She paused, then smiled. ‘But I accept your apology. Your timing was lousy, but I couldn’t definitively say that I would have reacted any differently. In fact, if Corey hadn’t dragged you here this evening, I’d probably have texted you to tell you the same thing, anyway.’ She took a step forward and reached out a hand to take one of Harry’s, and he felt the jolt of electricity between them, as well as a huge sense of relief.

  Harry took her hand and then pulled her closer, and their lips met in a slow, sweet kiss. ‘That’s a relief,’ he said softly as they parted again. ‘Corey doesn’t need to protect me from flying paint cans, then.’

  Kate looked quizzical for a moment, and then laughed. ‘Not today, Harry, not today.’

  As they broke apart, she gestured to the front door. ‘Do you want to come and join us? There’s plenty of party food and cake!’

  ‘I wouldn’t want to gate-crash a family celebration,’ Harry said.

  ‘No, honestly, come in and say hello if you like,’ Kate replied. ‘If nothing else, it saves you cooking your own tea tonight!’

  Harry, buoyed up by the reconciliation with Kate, found himself being pulled through the hallway and into a kitchen that opened up into the garden by way of elegant French windows. With his hand firmly in hers, relief and happiness coursed through him. He suddenly knew, with a flash of recognition through his heart and mind, that he was falling in love with her, and he definitely didn’t want her to go back to Camb
ridge without knowing that. But how and when to tell her was another matter completely. After all, he’d nearly buggered things up completely this morning, and he didn’t want to make that mistake again, not with something that to him felt so vital, so important.

  As they wandered through the kitchen and out onto the decking that was in the first part of the garden, Harry saw the family gathering and felt a lurch in his stomach for entirely different reasons. There were Florence and Sam, the proud, knackered parents, sitting on the comfy-looking garden sofa, while Kate’s brother, Aidan, and his husband, Tom, one of whom was holding a tiny bundle in his arms, chatted amiably. Corey was lounging in another wooden patio chair, with a glass of Coke already in his hand and a plate of food in his lap. Two younger boys, obviously Will and Tom, were kicking a ball around at the bottom of the lawn, and trying to get Aidan to join them.

  On seeing this contented family sight, Harry’s hand instinctively tightened in Kate’s before he could stop it. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t attended lots of these kinds of gatherings over the years, as various friends and family had married and had children, but there was something so loaded with significance about this one; so many people connected to Kate, and absolutely unconnected to him. And they’d all been through so much, both separately and together. He suddenly felt as though all of the years since his infertility diagnosis had rolled away, and he was slapped in the face with the realisation of just what had been denied him.

  ‘It’s all right,’ Kate murmured, mistaking Harry’s sudden change of mood for apprehension about seeing her family. ‘They’re an easy-going bunch; they won’t give you the third degree.’

  Harry swallowed hard, heart hammering in his chest. Despite the airy summer evening, he began to struggle for breath, and he felt a cold, creeping hand clawing at his throat in a horrible reminder of the panic attacks he hadn’t had for a long time; at least not since he’d moved to Willowbury.

  Kate, obviously noticing his sudden change of demeanour, stopped in her tracks and turned back to him, a quizzical yet concerned look on her face. ‘Are you okay, Harry?’

  Her voice, so gentle and concerned, made his eyes sting. He shook his head. ‘I’m so sorry, Kate,’ he said. ‘I can’t do this.’ He knew he was trembling, and he quickly withdrew his hand from hers, full of shame and self-loathing, and that frustration that always seemed to follow hand in hand with an attack. ‘I’ve got to go.’ He shook his head and tried to make eye contact with her, attempting to ground himself, but his eyes started to swim.

  ‘Let me drive you back home,’ Kate said, the concern written all over her face now. ‘You’re in no state to walk back like this.’

  ‘No, honestly, I’ll be fine. I’ll… I’ll give you a ring.’ He couldn’t stay there any longer. Feeling as though he was going to black out, he bolted through the house and out of the front door, remembering just in time to pull it shut as he left. As he stared fixedly at the pavement in front of him, focusing on putting one foot in front of the other without throwing up or passing out, he somehow made it home.

  52

  Kate stared after Harry as he literally bolted back through Sam and Florence’s house and her jaw dropped. Of all the things that could have happened, this volte face was something she hadn’t seen coming; although, perhaps she should have. Being confronted with her entire family would be intimidating for anyone, let alone for someone with such a complicated history. Frozen to the spot, she dithered about what to do. Her mother was due back at Bay Tree Terrace any minute, and her sons were all together for the first time in weeks. But she felt instinctively that Harry shouldn’t be left all alone after the way he’d reacted. What was the right decision?

  ‘Was it something you said?’ asked Aidan, trying to make light of what could have been a pretty awkward situation, had it not taken place in front of her own family. He wandered over to where Kate stood on the decking, baby Mia still protectively cradled in his arms.

  ‘I’m not sure,’ Kate said. ‘One minute he was fine, and coming to meet you all, and the next he just bolted.’

  Mia stirred in Aidan’s arms, and for a second Kate hoped against hope that Aidan would eventually go on to have his own children. He’d always been such a natural with them, and from the way he kept glancing down at this latest addition to the family, he was clearly smitten with her. As Mia woke fully and began the familiar gesture that meant she was hungry, Aidan walked with Kate back to the others and passed the baby gently back to Florence.

  ‘I think it’s time she came back to you.’ Aidan smiled.

  ‘She’s super hungry since we came home from hospital.’ Florence smiled, and, glancing at Sam, added, ‘Can you grab me a glass of water? A big one.’

  ‘Sure.’ Sam smiled back. ‘Anything else while I’m in the kitchen?’ As Florence shook her head, Kate followed Sam back through to the house.

  ‘That was some freak out just now,’ Sam said as he reached for a pint glass from the top cupboard. ‘What was it all about?’

  Kate shook her head. ‘Ordinarily I’d tell you, you know that, but I’m only half sure myself.’ She paused. ‘What do you think I should do?’

  ‘He looked pretty shaken up, Katie,’ Sam said as he filled the glass full of water and took a gulp out of it himself before refilling it to take back out to Florence. ‘If I were you, I’d get after him. We can all keep an eye on the boys.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Kate asked. ‘And I can’t just walk out on my boys, not to mention Mum.’

  ‘Go after him,’ Sam said. ‘You know you’ll be worrying all evening if you don’t. And the boys are fine. I can handle Mum, too.’

  Kate was torn. ‘But we’re supposed to be celebrating you, Florence and Mia coming home. I can’t just run out after some bloke.’

  Sam regarded her levelly. ‘Most of the time I’d agree,’ he said, ‘but something really got to him, Katie. I don’t think you should have let him leave on his own. We’ll still be here when you get back.’ Sam yawned suddenly. ‘And if that’s the middle of the night, you can walk Mia up and down the garden until she goes to sleep; give Florence and me a break!’

  ‘Fair enough.’ Kate smiled. ‘I’d better get going then.’

  As she walked quickly back through the front door and hurried towards Harry’s place, her mind was racing. Had Harry even got home, she wondered? Taking a deep, calming breath, she began to retrace the steps from Bay Tree Terrace to Vale Volumes, hoping against hope that she’d find Harry somewhere along the route and that he was all right.

  53

  When Harry opened the door, Kate immediately knew that all right was the last thing he was. He looked worse than he had when he’d had the flu, and, despite the fact that he gave a brief smile when he opened the door, his hands shook when he closed it behind her. Feeling a sense of relief that he had, at least, made it home and, more reassuringly, let her into the house, his appearance still concerned her. Whether he would let her into his headspace was another matter, too. He had once, when they’d been painting the shop, but whether he would again, in this state, was debatable.

  ‘I’m sorry I ran out on you and your family,’ he said. He was leaning against the wall in the hallway that went one way, on the ground floor, to the back of the shop, and the other way, via a staircase, to Harry’s living space above. Kate remembered the last time she’d been here, and where she and Harry had swiftly ended up. This time, though, she felt an entirely different set of emotions as she looked at him.

  ‘I thought I could do it,’ he was saying, almost to himself. ‘I thought, after all these years, that I’d be able to stand there, smile and be part of a family like yours.’ He slid down the wall and slumped on the bottom step of the staircase.

  Kate swiftly moved to sit next to Harry and this time, she didn’t hesitate. Pulling his head down to her shoulder, just as she would have done for one of her sons, she cradled him in her arms, stroking his hair and holding tightly as he trembled, the waves of the panic attack still wash
ing over him.

  ‘It’s all right,’ she murmured. ‘I’m here. It’s all right, Harry.’

  ‘No,’ he said, so quietly that she could barely hear him. ‘It’s not all right, Kate. I’m not all right. I thought I was, but it’s still the same. I’m damaged, useless. And seeing you all so happy, celebrating the one thing I could never give anyone else, brought it all crashing down around me again. Now, instead of celebrating Mia’s new little life, and catching up with the sons you haven’t seen in weeks, you’re here, trying to put this useless, hopeless bloke back together again.’ He brought his left palm up and smacked it hard against his forehead, once, twice, three times, until Kate took hold of it and laced his fingers through her own.

  Kate wasn’t afraid of what she saw in Harry; her own experiences with her younger brother, Aidan, had equipped her well for the mental trauma that panic and anxiety could bring. She’d talked Aidan down a few times during his rehabilitation after the horrors he’d faced when his platoon had been blown up in a roadside bomb in Helmand Province, and she’d never forget the haunted expression on his face as he relived the tragedy, over and over again in his waking and sleeping hours. While the reason for Harry’s distress was vastly different, the symptoms were similar, and Kate knew that she needed to let the panic attack run its course before he’d be calm again.

  ‘It’s all right,’ Kate said again, holding him not so tightly as to restrict him but closely enough to reassure him. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong. I’m here.’ She focused on her own breathing, trying to transmit the rhythm to Harry, whose shakes were starting to subside as they sat there. He was gripping her hand, their fingers still entwined, and it seemed to anchor him to the moment, to allow him to escape out from the head loop that was playing over and over again.