“There’s nothing to talk about,” she said softly. “Have a good life, Austin.”
“Rachel, wait!”
But there was only silence on the other end of the line. She’d already ended the call.
I looked at my phone in frustration. I wanted to strangle it. I wanted to hurl it across the room. I wanted to smash it into a million little pieces.
I wanted to go back in time and act like an adult so none of this had to happen.
It was the last thought that had me sagging into a chair when my knees went out on me.
Because that was what had happened. I’d acted like a child and ran from my problems. And for what? Because my brother wanted to get to know the bastard who’d killed our mom? There was only one way that was gonna turn out—my dad was an asshole through and through.
My phone vibrated in my hand again, and seeing Nathan’s name on the display, I hit accept and waited for the shitstorm to rain down.
“Hey bro, Sorry about last night. I just—”
“Ran away to pout. Yeah, I know. Dylan filled us all in this morning when no one could find you. Listen—”
“Are you at the shop? Is he there?”
“Yeah, I think he’s in the paint shed packing up his shit. Listen—”
“Fuck,” I muttered. “Tell him to forget about all the shit I said yesterday. He still has a job. I don’t want him going anywhere.”
“Fine. Now listen! The photographer for that article is here, and he’s wondering where you are since you were supposed to be here an hour ago.”
“Son of a bitch. I forgot that was today.”
“Yeah I figured. I got him taking some pictures of the shop and a few of our projects, but he’s here for you, so get your ass down here.”
“About that.” I coughed then cleared my throat. “I’m uh, in Tahoe.”
“Again? Holy fuck. You think maybe you got a problem? That’s not normal, bro.”
“I know. I know. I have a ton of shit to make up to people. Rachel and you are on the top of the list. Fuck, I mean after Wyatt. Can you stall the photographer? Take him to lunch or something? I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
Nathan groaned. He hated dealing with the whole media side of the business. “You better fucking hurry.”
“I will. But I gotta go see a girl first.”
*
In a little over an hour, I was standing on Rachel’s doorstep hoping against hope that she was home.
But it wasn’t my gorgeous girl who answered the door. It was her mother.
“So, you are alive,” she drawled, sitting in her wheelchair blocking the doorway.
“I uh, yeah, Trish. I am. Um, is Rachel home?” I felt like a pimply teenager asking permission to go out with his girlfriend. It was unnerving.
“She’s at work.”
I closed my eyes with a muttered curse. I should’ve known that. I’d wasted time driving here, but she hadn’t returned any of my texts before I left Tahoe and had sent me to voicemail every time I’d tried to call her on the drive down. “Do you know where I could find her?”
“She’s at her cleaning job right now, so who knows? She should be home by ten tonight, but I wouldn’t advise you waiting for her here or at her job. She needs some time.”
“I know that, but if I could just make her see—”
She shook her head in dismay. “Do you know my daughter at all?” Trish cut me off with raised eyebrows. “Listen, Austin. I like you. I thought you might be the guy for my daughter, but you should know that there isn’t a person on this planet who can make my daughter do anything. She’s her own woman, but she’s had her heart banged up a bit. Her dad. My boyfriends. Wyatt’s father. She doesn’t trust easily, and you seriously screwed the pooch yesterday.”
“I know. If I could just—”
“Take it from someone who’s disappointed Rachel before—give her some space. She’ll come around. Just give her some time to calm down.”
I sighed in frustration and looked down at the plush superhero in my hands. I wanted to fix it now. I wanted her back in my life. I wanted to know that everything was going to be okay with us. Like I’d never wanted anything before.
But clearly that wasn’t going to happen here and now.
After a beat, I held out the superhero to Rachel’s mom. “I uh, got this for Wyatt. Yesterday, before I disappeared, so it’s not my weak attempt at an apology or anything. And you don’t even have to tell him it’s from me. I just want him to have it. He’s a cute kid,” I finished weakly.
After an awkward pause, Trish took the stuffed toy and set it on her lap. “He’s napping now, but I’ll give it to him when he wakes up.”
A burst of wind belted against the building and the apartment groaned under the force. I shuddered against the cold air. It couldn’t have been much warmer inside since she’d been holding the door open this long. Giving her another awkward smile, I reached into my pocket for my wallet and pulled out a business card. “If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to call me. All my numbers are on there. I uh…” I shook my head then shrugged. “I hope I can make it up to Rachel, prove to her that I am the man for her. If she’ll let me. And uh, I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell her I came by. I don’t want to make anything awkward for you and her.”
“I’ll tell her.”
I looked down at her with a frown.
“I’ll tell her you came by to see her. I won’t tell her about the toy or the card. Some things she doesn’t need to know.” She gave me a cryptic smile then wheeled herself back to close the door. “I hope to see you again, Austin.”
“Me too,” I muttered as the door closed.
But first I had an interview to do. Then maybe I’d convince my brothers to go out for a drink. Together.
At Finnegans.
*
The interview was a fucking disaster. I couldn’t get my mind off of Rachel and some of my angst had slipped out. And they’d known about my dad’s parole and my brother’s testimony. Shit had gone downhill from there. Dylan had disappeared before I got to the shop, and it didn’t look like he was planning on coming back anytime soon. This day couldn’t get any worse.
But the look Rachel gave me from behind the bar at Finnegans let me know that today could get a helluva lot worse.
Her scowl would’ve sent a lesser man running, but I wasn’t going anywhere until she heard me out.
“I don’t know what you’re doing here, but you need to leave.” Her eyes widened in surprise as she took in Nathan and Ryan standing behind me. “Really, Austin? You brought your brothers for backup?”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“That should be the name of your biography.” She turned on her heel and marched to the opposite end of the bar where a group of barely-legal frat boys waited impatiently.
Ryan laughed. “She’s fucking hilarious. I love her!”
I braced my hands on the bar and hungrily watched as she talked and laughed with the group of frat boys.
She was so close and still so far away.
And she underlined that point by checking in with every table in the whole place before finally returning to our corner of the bar.
“What can I get you, Nathan? Ryan?” She asked keeping her eyes on my brothers and not once looking my way.
Nathan’s eyes volleyed between me and her a few times before he finally answered. “Uh, how about a pitcher of whatever lager you have on tap?”
“I can do that.” Rachel pushed away from the bar with an empty smile and turned to the taps.
The smiles, the laughter, the flirting were all an act. She was in just as much as pain as me.
Fuck.
Rachel returned to Nathan standing next to me and set down a pale-yellow pitcher with two tall pint glasses. “That’ll be twenty-two dollars.”
I slapped two twenties on the bar before my brothers could reach for their wallets. “Is there somewhere we go to talk for a minute?”<
br />
Rachel finally met my eyes and the pain in hers had me cursing under my breath. She shook her head. “I said everything there is to say on the phone. I just—I can’t do this, Austin. Not here.” She sucked in a deep breath and turned away. “I’ll be right back with your change.”
“Keep it. And you don’t have to say anything to me, just listen. Please.”
Her shoulders moved with her sigh. I watched the back of head, silently urging her to turn around and look at me again. More than anything I wanted to hold her in my arms, tell her everything was going to be okay, that I wouldn’t ever leave her again like I did yesterday. That I had learned from this. But I needed the chance to do it. I’d give her anything if she’d let me.
Finally, she nodded stiffly. “I get my break in five minutes. Meet me by the bathrooms down that hall.”
She swiped surreptitiously at her eyes and walked away to serve another customer.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing, bro?” Ryan asked as he poured himself a pint. “She’s at work. This has got to be the last place she wants to see you. It might be better if you give her some space.”
“She’s hurting, Ry. I gotta do whatever I can to make it right.”
“It’s your funeral.” He whistled under his breath.
Ten long and jittery minutes later, Rachel finally appeared in the back hall. “Rachel, I—”
She lifted a hand. “Not here. Come to the back office. We can talk there uninterrupted.”
I nodded and silently followed her down the short hallway to the last closed door on the right. The office might be private, but we were in serious risk of being trapped in an avalanche of files, boxes, and stemware. Rachel slid in sideways until she reached the two chairs wedged in front of the large, paper strewn desk. She waved a hand at the chairs as she took position in the large leather rolling chair behind the desk. About as far from me as should get without leaving the room.
Sighing, I sank into the chair as I took in her tired features again. “I am really sorry about yesterday. And last night. I should’ve called you when I left, but…I just wasn’t thinking. My brother—”
“I get it. You had a family thing that sucked, and you couldn’t deal. We went over this before. That doesn’t change the problem. You don’t—”
This time I interrupted her. “Please just hear me out. You don’t even have to say anything. Just listen to what I have to say. Please.”
“Fine.” She sat back into the chair with a mutinous expression. “But I only have a ten-minute break so whatever it is, say it fast.”
“I am so sorry that I didn’t show up yesterday. I feel horrible that you were worried about me. If I could, I’d go back in time and take it all back—show up for Wyatt. But I had a weak moment. I got some really fucking bad news and felt like I had to retreat and lick my wounds. But I shouldn’t have. I should’ve gone to you. I should’ve let you be the one to help hold me together. I see that now.” I sighed and hung my head for a moment, trying to find the words that’d magically make this all better. But I came up empty. Shaking my head, I looked into Rachel’s pain filled eyes and implored, “I just want one more chance. I swear to you that I won’t let you down again.”
Rachel’s eyes welled with tears. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before she finally spoke. And when she did, her words and the croak in her voice broke my heart.
“If it was only me we were talking about, I’d believe you. I’d be willing to give you another chance. But it’s not. I have to think about Wyatt. I have to put him first. And I can’t bring another irresponsible and unreliable man into his life. He already has a dad who doesn’t bother to show up, or call, or keep his promises. He deserves better than that and it’s my most important job to make sure he gets it.”
“Rachel, please…” I didn’t know what to say.
“Goodbye, Austin. I wish you nothing but the best. I…”
It felt like she was going to say I love you but she left the words unspoken. So I said them for her.
“I love you. I love you and Wyatt. Hell, I even kinda love your crazy mother. I swear I’m going to make this right. I’d do anything for you guys.”
Rachel closed her eyes with a wince like I’d punched her in the stomach. After a second a tear trailed down her cheek and she swiped at it with a clenched fist. “And sometimes love isn’t enough.” Rachel shrugged helplessly. “I’m sorry, Austin. Please don’t make this harder than it has to be. I need to get back to work.”
I watched with wet eyes as she squeezed around the desk and walked out of my life.
Excerpt from The Californian
A Tough Guy’s Tender Side
By Angie Greene
Austin Burns has made his living with his tough guy persona. As a thirty-two-year-old man who builds custom motorcycles, he has had to be able to hold his own with rock stars and one-percenters alike. We’ve seen the famed Burns’ temper during his blowups with his brothers on his television special earlier this spring. Neither he nor his brothers are afraid to let their anger fly in order to settle a dispute. Austin Burns personifies a rare species in this day and age: an alpha male who doesn’t take any nonsense from anyone—least of all family.
So, it was more than a little surprising when I sat down with this tattooed, hard-bodied alpha male and so much emotion poured out. But then it seems like Austin Burns’ whole world is on fire at the moment, so it’s understandable.
When Austin finally shows up to our meeting—he was running two hours late—he looks stressed. His eyes are red, his hand has a tremor when he reaches for his coffee, and he has an almost defeated air about him. He tries to hide it behind his trademarked grin, but I can still see his frayed ends.
“So sorry to keep you waiting. It’s been f****** nuts around here.” He apologizes, reaching a hand across the table to shake. Then he winces. “Sorry. I’ll try to tame the language.”
I laugh. “No need to apologize, but I appreciate it.”
Then Austin’s face drains of color. I was afraid he might bolt for a trash can to throw up, but after a moment he gets himself under control.
“Are you all right?” I ask.
Austin gives a bitter laugh. “Not really. Sorry, you just reminded me of someone for a minute there. It’s fine.”
“Who did I remind you of?”
He shrugs uncomfortably. “I had a pact with someone where she would stop apologizing, and I would stop being an asshole. I don’t think ‘I’m sorry’ was part of my vocabulary before I met her.”
“And did you hold up your part of the bargain?”
“Not in the end. Not when it mattered the most.” He stares down at his lap, and I swear I see a sheen of tears in his eyes. But then he blinks, and I doubt that I even saw it in the first place. “I kinda had a mirror held up to my face recently, and I really didn’t like what I saw. I’ve become an egotistical asshole because of a little bit of money and fame. S*** has to change before I lose everyone I care about.”
To say I was taken aback would be an understatement. Typically during interviews, the subject dances and weaves, only answering the most basic and surface of questions. It usually takes time to get this kind of honest, soul bearing moment, but Austin came into the room and let it all hang loose for me to see.
“I think millions of women would love to know what her secret is.”
Austin smiles slightly as he looks at his cell phone lying silent on the table between us. “She is an amazing woman. And I hope that one day, she’ll think I’m half a percent as amazing as I think she is.”
“Has the toughest guy in Sacramento fallen in love? Will we be hearing wedding bells soon?”
The smile falls off his face, and he avoids my eyes. “Probably not. I seem to have a knack for f****** everything up lately. She deserves to have anything she wants. And apparently that’s not me.”
24
Rachel
His picture was everywhere. Once the magazine hit the shelve
s, I couldn’t go to the grocery store or the gas station without seeing that ridiculous picture of Austin staring back at me. Him lying on a bed, with only ripped jeans on, his tattoos on display and clutching a teddy bear of all things. It didn’t help any that he looked so heartbroken staring down at that stupid stuffed animal.
And then news of his father’s parole leaked, and I couldn’t turn on a radio or the news without hearing about it. The rehash of the horrific crime. The outcry about the too short sentence. The betrayal of Dylan’s testimony. It was like a soap opera being played out on the news channels to everyone’s voracious delight.
Everyone but me.
It hurt every time I saw his picture, heard his name on tv, or-- I hit ignore on my phone-- ignored his phone call.
“Was that him again?” my mom asked.
I shrugged, turning back to the bubbly commercial on tv. “Does it matter?”
“Did you at least read the article? He all but groveled. And he left your name out of it, like the gentleman that he is. Why are you being so pigheaded? Give the boy another chance.”
“Mom, I love you, but stay out of it. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I know you’re being ridiculous. He missed one date. How is that such an unforgiveable offense?”
“Because it’s Wyatt! Because I swore I was going to protect my son in a way you never protected me!” My voice rang in the apartment. Words I never thought I’d throw at my mom echoed around us until I wanted to throw up.
Her voice sounded stiff when she spoke. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I never meant that for you.”
“I was heartbroken every time you broke up with another good guy. Because I knew it was only a matter of time before the guy that I’d gotten to like didn’t show up anymore. I wanted, needed, a father, and it hurt so much every time one of them walked away. And they all did. Every single one of them walked away. I won’t do that to Wyatt.”
Mom sighed. “I know I made a lot of mistakes with you growing up, but I did the best I could. Kids don’t exactly come with an owner’s manual.”
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