I met the eyes of a student in the front row who hung on every word. He bounced his leg nervously, and I knew he was using. Maybe it wasn’t steroids, but he was taking something. I held his gaze. “I have unreasonable panic attacks. My heart developed an arrhythmia. I went into cardiac arrest. And I lost everything that mattered to me.”
His eyes widened, but he didn’t break my stare. For the first time since I started this, I opened up completely so this kid could see what was at stake. It wasn’t just the physical toll; it was the emotional toll they didn’t get. I opened the vein and let it bleed. I told them about Mallory.
“After I suffered the knee injury, I had to hire a tutor to help me pass a class.” I half smiled at the memory of seeing Mallory through video chat the first time. “She was smarter than anyone I’d ever met. And she didn’t put up with my crap.” A few people chuckled. “I’d fallen in love with her almost immediately, but she was resistant to my charms. It took me until Thanksgiving to finally get her to trust me. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her. Honestly, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her now. If she walked back into my life and needed a kidney, I’d give it to her.” I paused and took a deep breath before I went on. “But she never will. What I did was unforgivable, and she won’t have anything to do with me. When I say I lost my future, I mean it in every sense of the word. I wanted to marry that girl. And I lost her.”
A few of the girls in the front wiped their eyes. Heck, I had to wipe mine.
One raised her hand, and the Q&A began.
“Do you know where she is?” a girl with dark hair asked. She couldn’t have been more than fifteen or sixteen.
“No. She told me to go, and I honored that. But there isn’t a moment I don’t think about her and wonder.” Talking about Mallory hurt like hell, but this was a good thing.
“You said you stopped taking the PEDs before you tested positive. How’d that happen?” the boy in front asked.
“My dealer had supplied me with what I thought were B-12 supplements. They weren’t. I didn’t know I was still taking PEDs when I tested positive.” I stared him directly in the eye. “But that doesn’t excuse the fact that I start taking them in the first place. I could’ve let all the blame fall on the dealer. I could’ve tried to lie and save my college career. But that wouldn’t have been right. I’d cheated. I needed to own up to that.”
“Why was a doping scandal such a big deal for this girl?” a cheerleader in full uniform asked. “I mean, it’s not like you killed somebody.”
I smiled. “No, I just almost killed myself. She had her reasons, and let me tell you, they were damn good ones.”
Even when we began to run out of time, we kept going. The bell rang, and Principal Boudreau let us continue. Halfway through the next period the questions dried up, and the students were dismissed.
“That was amazing,” Principal Boudreau said as the kids cleared out. “Really, Mr. Betts, you did a great job. We’ve had a lot of speakers, but few got through to the students like you did.”
I smiled and glanced down to where the nervous kid had sat. His seat was empty, but I hoped he’d seek help for whatever he was using. A few of the coaches came up to thank me.
Principal Boudreau gushed some more, but I didn’t hear her. Over her shoulder the most beautiful woman in the world stood at the edge of the stage. I reached for the podium to steady myself.
“Mr. Betts, are you okay?” Boudreau asked.
I nodded slowly, not taking my eyes off Mallory. Her hair was pulled back into an oversized ponytail, and she had glasses on, but every single thing about her stopped my heart in a good way. I knew she’d started teaching somewhere, thanks to Chuck, but he didn’t know exactly where. Or he wouldn’t tell me. The fact that he’d given me that much information was enough.
“Ah, Mr. Betts, this is Ms. Verbach. She’s actually the person who told Coach Withers about you.” Boudreau seemed to sense something going on. She glanced between me and Mallory. “But I think you might know each other already.”
“You…you brought me here?”
She nodded and took another step closer.
“That…that was nice of you.” I wanted to wrap my arms around her and pull her against me. She was here. In front of me. She was real. And she was talking to me.
“Why?” she asked.
“I needed to do something. This seemed like the right thing. I wondered after I left if I would’ve taken the drugs had someone been honest about what would happen. I don’t mean the physical effects, either.” My grip tightened on the edge of the podium as I tried to control the panic attack. “Not that the physical side doesn’t suck.”
Mallory nodded and took another step closer to me.
“Verbach?” I asked.
“It was time…” Her gaze never wavered from mine. “It was time to let go. To forgive them.”
“Will you ever forgive me?” I asked. I’d wanted to ask her this for so long. Hell, I needed to hear her say no just so I could move on with my life. Not that I wanted to let her go. I held on to that brief month we had together like it was the Holy Grail.
“Maybe,” she said.
My entire body froze. I wasn’t expecting anything other than no. “Do you mean that?”
She nodded again.
“Mallory, I—”
“Wait, not here.” She glanced around at the quiet coaches who were watching us out of the corners of their eyes. “Can we maybe have coffee after school?”
“Yeah, that would be nice.” I offered my hand to her for a handshake. And just to feel her skin.
She slipped her fingers into mine.
“Then maybe…” I let the implication hang in the air. She knew what I wanted. Her. All I wanted was her back in my life.
A small smile crossed her lips. “Maybe.”
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Acknowledgments
A huge thank you to Heather Howland and Kari Olson for helping me bring this story to life. It really shines because of the amazing work they did. Mallory and Aaron are so much better because of y’all.
Thank you to Nancy Cantor, the best copy editor on the planet, who put in all my commas and deleted all the ones that didn’t know where to go.
Thank you to Liz Pelletier for the beautiful cover.
Of course, I have to thank my parents for taking me to Opening Day in St. Louis and starting my love affair with baseball after watching Ozzie Smith flip at short. (Go, Cards!) And for taking me to Kauffman Stadium in Kansas City to watch the Royals. Thank you both for teaching me the rules, how to keep score, and for being at all my softball games.
I dedicated this book to my two older brothers, Dexter and Mark Murphy, and our neighbor Miles Cameron. Growing up, they let me play baseball with them in the front yard of our farmhouse in rural Missouri. Honestly, I think they just wanted me to chase the home run balls lost in the cornfields, but I loved every minute of it.
A special thank you to Alex Nader who made sure that I didn’t make Aaron sound less than masculine.
Thank you, Julia Weber, for believing in me and working so hard on this book. I cannot say thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.
Thank you for reading!
About the Author
Lynn Stevens flunked out of college writing her first novel. Yes, she still has it and no, you can’t read it. Surprisingly, she graduated with honors at her third school. A former farm girl turned city slicker, Lynn lives in the Midwest where she drinks coffee she can’t pronounce and sips tea when she’s out of coffee. When she’s out of both, just stay away.
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