And when he smiled, there were cherry strudel crumbs stuffed in all his teeth – bottom and top.
“I’m sorry, Mrs Fink,” I said. “He has a terrible sweet tooth.”
“That’s OK, darling,” she said. “There are still poppy-seed Danish pastries.”
I carried Cheerio back to our flat, and everyone was completely over-the-moon happy to see him alive and well. My mum picked him up and danced around the room. Frankie and Ashley gave him about a million pets each. Even my dad put out his hand and said, “Shake, Cheerio.” Cheerio, being the nutcase that he is, didn’t put his paw out to shake, but he did spin around in a circle until he fell over in a heap.
“That’s our Cheerio,” I said, and we all laughed.
Ding-dong.
“I bet that’s McKelty,” Frankie said.
I realized that was the first time I had thought about Nick McKelty since Cheerio had disappeared – which just shows you how things you think are important are not so important compared to the things that are really important. You know what I mean? Good, because I’m not sure I do.
Anyway, it wasn’t McKelty.
It was none other than the bacteria twins, Emily and Robert, decked out in their finest flu-germ gear.
“So you didn’t go as a princess after all,” I said to Emily.
“And Robert didn’t go as a knight,” she answered. “You were right, Hank. We’re flu germs through and through.”
Then she and Robert each pulled out a trophy from behind their backs.
“We won first place!” Emily grinned, holding the trophy above her head.
“Long live the pus pockets!” Robert added.
“Everyone loved them,” Papa Pete said. “But what really clinched the trophy was their interpretative dance, showing the influenza virus spreading an infection. It was phenomenal.”
“Oh, that sounds so creative,” my mum said. “Show us, kids.”
No one had to ask them twice. Emily and Robert skipped around the room, waving their hands and pushing their stomachs out and spewing imaginary germs into the air. I’m not sure, but I think they danced (if you want to call it that) to the tune of “I’m a Little Teapot”, which Emily hummed as she skipped.
I wish you could have been there. It was something to see.
I have to confess something. As I watched Emily and Robert, I did think that my sister was … well … pretty weird. I mean, you’d probably think the same thing if your sister was a dancing pus pocket.
But then I realized that maybe she thought I was weird for being a table in an Italian restaurant. What’s weird to one person might be normal for another person. Papa Pete’s words rolled around and around in my head.
Never ever be ashamed of who you are. Because who you are is one terrific kid.
Everyone in the room was smiling at Emily and Robert. My mum was clapping. My dad was tapping his toe. Papa Pete and Mrs Fink were dancing so close, they almost looked like one whole elephant. Frankie was doing a little freestyle break dancing and Ashley was waving Cheerio’s paws around.
There we were, each being exactly who we were.
And you know what? It was really fun.
I would like to tell you that I was so happy to get Cheerio back that I gave up any thought of getting even with Nick McKelty. I would like to tell you that because it would show that:
1. I had grown up and learned what was really important.
2. I had grown up and no longer needed to get even.
3. I had grown up and learned to forgive the jerk.
4. I had developed that good judgement my dad is always yapping on about.
However, if I told you that any of these things were true, I would be lying. I have never lied to you before, and I’m not about to start now.
So here’s the truth.
I still wanted to scare the socks off Nick McKelty. Why? Because he was still a mean and nasty bully.
There, I’ve said it. Go ahead. Call me immature. I have plenty of time to get mature when I’m in the sixth grade – if that ever happens.
So after Emily and Robert had finished their dance and things had settled down, I begged my parents for permission to reopen the haunted house. There was still a chance McKelty would show up.
“You don’t want to scare Cheerio,” my mum warned.
“I’ll watch him really closely,” I said. “I promise. I’ve learned my lesson.”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” my dad said.
“I’ll make you a deal, Dad,” I said. “You do one more crossword puzzle and I’ll take one more kid into the haunted house. That way, we’ll both end the evening with a bang. What do you say?”
He hesitated. I could tell he was gearing up to say no. But before he got the word out, Frankie jumped in as only he can. He and my dad have a special bond. For instance, he is the only person in the world who can get away with calling my dad Mr Z. My dad isn’t exactly the nickname type.
“Mr Z., I have a crossword-puzzle clue for you,” Frankie said. “What’s a three-letter word for affirmative?”
“Yes,” my dad said.
“I knew you’d say yes,” I jumped in. “You’ve got yourself a deal, Dad.”
“Pretty clever, youngsters,” my dad said. “OK, Hank. You have half an hour. It’s eight o’clock. If your friend isn’t here by eight thirty, we’re closing up shop. Tomorrow is a school day, you know.”
On that happy note, my dad went into the kitchen with my mum. Papa Pete left too, because Mrs Fink had a poppy-seed Danish pastry waiting for him.
That left Frankie, Ashley and me. Oh yes, and Emily and Robert.
“No offence, guys,” I said to the bacteria twins. “But I think the flu-germ thing doesn’t exactly go with the haunted house. It kind of breaks the mood.”
“We want to be here to see McKelty’s reaction,” Emily said. “Don’t forget: he made fun of me too.”
She had a point.
“I’ll make you a deal,” I said. Boy, this was a big night for deal making. “You guys get rid of the pus and we’ll let you work in the haunted house.”
“Really, Hank?” Emily couldn’t believe her ears. Almost losing Cheerio had turned me into a total softie.
“Truthfully, I could use some help,” I said. “My number-one job from now on is to look after Cheerio.”
I figured Frankie could work the spiders. Ashley, naturally, would be the floating head. Emily could run the eyeballs and Robert would be the brains. Robert and brains went together almost as well as Robert and mucus.
We sent Robert and Emily to change into black clothes so they wouldn’t be seen, and we got the haunted house back up to speed. I went to check on the peeled grapes, but Frankie quickly took the bowl from me.
“Don’t forget that I am the chief of all slimy things,” he reminded me.
“How could I forget that, Frankie?”
He picked up the grapes and rolled them around in the egg whites so they were covered with a fresh coat of goo. Meanwhile, Ashley spiffed up the brains with a little extra Marshmallow Fluff. She stuck a finger in the brains.
“Yes,” she said, nodding in approval. “These are definitely a ten on the ick meter.”
After we had straightened up the living room, rewound the tape recorder and turned on the fan under the ghost, we squirted Ashley with some fresh ketchup. When I turned on the black light in the skeleton dude, Cheerio started to get a little jumpy. I could tell because his ears were sticking straight up in the air. I picked him up and held him in my arms.
“This is all pretend, boy,” I said. “There’s nothing to be scared of.”
We walked over to the skeleton, and I let him take a sniff of the plastic, so he would know the bony guy wasn’t real. Cheerio sniffed the leg bones and the arm bones, then licked the skeleton’s ribs a whole bunch of times. This seemed pretty normal to me, because Cheerio also licks the bricks in our fireplace. He has a licking problem, I guess. But, like Dr Berger, my educational ther
apist, says, we all have our issues.
“I’m ready,” Emily said, coming out of her bedroom. She was dressed all in black from head to toe, including a black beanie that she had pulled down almost over her eyes. And get this. On her shoulder was – you guessed it – Katherine the Great. Emily had thrown a black flannel over her scaly body. Katherine’s, that is.
“I don’t remember inviting the lizard,” I said.
“Katherine would feel very left out if she wasn’t included,” Emily answered.
“She told you that?”
“In her own way,” Emily said. “We communicate non-verbally.”
There wasn’t time to argue, because the doorbell rang. Once. Twice. Three times.
“I bet that’s McKelty,” Frankie whispered.
“No, it’s Robert,” Emily said. “That’s our special ring.”
There you had it. Another fine example of non-verbal communication at work.
Wait a minute! They have a special doorbell ring? I can’t deal with this now.
Emily let Robert in. He was dressed all in black, just like Emily. Robert is so skinny that he looked like a piece of licorice I had eaten at the cinema the Saturday before. I’m not kidding.
I checked out Frankie’s watch. It was sixteen minutes past eight. We had ten minutes for McKelty to get there. Or something close to ten. You know me and numbers.
Ten minutes and counting.
He arrived at exactly eighteen minutes past eight.
When he knocked, I opened the door a crack and spoke in my lowest raspiest voice.
“Welcome to the chamber of fear. Do you dare enter?”
“You don’t scare me, Zipperbutt. I’m only here because I have nothing better to do.”
That McKelty, he sure knows how to deliver a friendly greeting.
I opened the door and let him in. McKelty had added even more blood and guts to his Halloween costume, including a plastic knife sticking out of the side of his head. I was holding Cheerio in my arms because we had turned out all the lights and I didn’t want him to freak out.
“You call that a dog?” McKelty said, pointing one of his beefy fingers at Cheerio. “I call it a hot dog … without the bun.”
Cheerio sniffed McKelty’s finger and snarled. Then he saw the plastic knife sticking out of McKelty’s head. He sniffed that, then licked it. A lot.
“Your dog is weird,” McKelty said.
“He’s a vampire dog,” I whispered. “He loves blood. Want to let him lick you?”
Not a bad comeback, Hank. That shut him up.
I held the torch out in front of us and led McKelty into the living room. It was totally dark outside now, and there was no light in the room except for the purple glow of the black light. McKelty tripped on the corner of the rug, lost his balance and almost fell over. He tried to pretend it hadn’t happen, but I let out a crazed laugh.
“What are you laughing at, Zipweed?” he snarled.
“Lower your voice,” I said. “You’re making the spirits extremely angry.”
From inside the haunted house, Ashley suddenly let out a bloodcurdling shriek. We hadn’t even rehearsed that, but it couldn’t have come at a better time. McKelty jumped three feet off the ground.
Nice touch, Ashweena!
I held the door flap open and McKelty walked in. The first thing he saw was the skeleton, glowing in the corner.
“Nick McKelty! I’ve been waiting to meet you,” the skeleton said in a deep voice, breathing heavily. “Shake my hand.”
That was Frankie, doing his Darth Vader impersonation. This wasn’t rehearsed either, but again, an excellent idea.
Frankie, my man. Darth rocks!
McKelty approached the skeleton and reached for his hand. As soon as he touched it…
Plop! The arm fell off and rolled to the floor.
McKelty jumped four feet in the air this time. I could hear him gasp. When he saw me looking at him, he tried to act like he hadn’t just done that.
“Big deal,” he said to me. “It’s just a fake hand.”
But I saw his eye twitch.
I guided him over to the table with the grape eyes and spaghetti brains.
“The monster Frankenstein has lost his eyes,” I whispered. “He asks that you help find them.”
Quickly, I grabbed McKelty’s hand and pushed it into the bowl of slimy grapes Emily was holding. Just as his hand touched the grapes, Katherine let out a huge hiss. Again, unrehearsed, but another brilliant addition, if I do say so myself.
Katherine, for the first time in your whole lizardy life, fine job!
“What was that?” McKelty said, pulling his hand away from the grapes as fast as you could say “iguana breath”.
“The eyes saw you,” I whispered. “They’re following you now.”
“Those eyes are alive?” McKelty asked, his voice shaking.
“The eyes see all,” Emily hissed, sounding so much like Katherine it sort of scared me too.
Katherine hissed again and Emily joined in, then Robert. It was a regular hissfest, coming at McKelty from every direction. He backed away really fast – and as he did so, he bumped into Robert, who was holding the brains. I snatched McKelty’s hand and plunged it into the goopy hat.
“Dracula’s brains,” I whispered in his ear. “They are alive and thinking of ways to harm you.”
“Why me?” said McKelty. “I didn’t do anything!” I could hear his voice cracking.
Oh yeah. This was fun.
Then came the moment I had been waiting for!
I gave Frankie a sign, and he lowered the spiders, fast this time. They plunged down and landed smack on the back of McKelty’s neck. Bull’s-eye! As he turned round to bat them off, I pulled the napkin off Ashley’s blood-streaked face.
“The tarantulas!” she screamed. “They’re eating my flesh!”
I thought McKelty was going to pee his pants right there. Maybe he even did. It was too dark to see. The only thing I can tell you is that he screamed like a baby who wants his bottle.
And then, something else happened. Something unexpected. Something truly terrifying.
We heard thundering footsteps coming across the room.
Boom, boom, boom, they went.
I looked around the haunted house. We were all in there. Who could this be? Talk about unrehearsed! This was totally unexpected!
The footsteps were followed by a voice. It was soft and low, which made it even scarier.
“I vant to suck your blood!” it said. “Who will be my next victim?”
I swear to you, I was sure there was a real vampire in the room with us. I looked up and there, peering over the top of the sheet, was an actual vampire! I’m not kidding. He was tall with black slicked-back hair and a black velvet cape. His face was white and ugly. Dark red blood was dribbling out of his mouth.
He reached out his huge hand and grabbed at us. I screamed so loud, you could probably hear me from where you are now. Cheerio bolted from my arms and took off to parts unknown. Ashley and Frankie and Emily and Robert all screamed too.
And McKelty, well, I thought he was going to collapse.
“I’m getting out of here!” he yelled. “That guy’s real!”
McKelty was so panicked, he started to run in circles. When he couldn’t find the door flap, he just barrelled into the wall of the haunted house and brought the whole bedspread down in a heap. The vampire reached out and grabbed his collar.
“Don’t suck my blood!” McKelty yelled. “Pleeasse!!!”
He wriggled free from the vampire’s hand and took off, screaming down the hall. He ran into my bedroom and slammed the door. He thought it was the front door of the flat. A second later, my bedroom door was flung open and Nick the Tick ran down the hall with his mouth wide open, trying to scream. He was so scared, no sound came out. The vampire chased him, but McKelty got out of the flat just in time. He must have finally got his voice back, because we could hear him screaming “Don’t hurt me!” all the way
down in the lift.
As for me, I had only one thought. Where was Cheerio? I raced around the living room looking for him. Even if there was a blood-sucking vampire in my house, I had promised to protect Cheerio, and that’s just what I was going to do.
But the vampire had beaten me to it. He was bending down by the sofa, trying to convince Cheerio to come out of his hiding place.
“Get away!” I shouted at the vampire. “That’s my dog!”
“I don’t vant to scare him,” the vampire said. “I love animals. Like my cow, Olga, back in Poltava. She was good friend to me.”
I knew that voice. Who else could have had a cow named Olga?
“Vlady!” I said.
He peeled off his rubber mask. The vampire face disappeared and there he was our lovable sandwich maker.
“Yes, it’s me, Hank,” he said.
When Cheerio saw Vlady’s face, he came scurrying out from under the sofa and jumped in his lap. He loves Vlady because Vlady always gives him the leftover meat from his sandwiches.
When the kids saw it was Vlady, they all came over and gathered around.
“You were stupendous, man,” Frankie said to Vlady.
“Awesome,” Ashley agreed.
“Did you see McKelty run?” Emily laughed.
“He looked like a scared rabbit,” Robert said. “Actually, a hare to be more precise. Hares run faster than rabbits.”
We all took a minute to just enjoy the thought of McKelty running screaming out of the house. Let’s face it, the guy deserved it.
Then a thought occurred to me.
“Let me ask you something, Vlady,” I said. “How did you know that McKelty would be here?”
“I could smell his blood,” he said.
His blue eyes were twinkling again.
“Come on. Tell us the truth. How’d you know when to come?”
“Vampires don’t tell their secrets.”
“Vlady, enough of the kidding.”
“Are you sure I am kidding?” he said.
Vlady yawned. I noticed his lips looked awfully red from the fake blood. It was fake blood, wasn’t it? It had to be.
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