So what the hell am I doing? Why am I letting her go?
Our food arrives, but I have no appetite, which almost never happens. I'm always hungry. The last time I didn't have an appetite was right after my mom died. I didn't feel like eating when I was dealing with such a huge loss. Now I feel like I'm faced with another loss. Of Jen. It's not a death, but it's still a loss and it's still huge.
"I have to go," I say, getting off the barstool.
"Go?" Austin sets his beer down. "Our food just got here."
"I know, but I can't eat. I don't feel good." I take my wallet out and drop a twenty on the table.
Austin gives it back to me. "I told you, it's on me."
"I didn't even eat it."
"Doesn't matter. Don't worry about it. So where are you going? To Jen's place?"
"She's not home yet. She works until seven."
"Why don't you just stay? You don't have to eat."
"Sorry, I can't. I need to go." I get my phone out and call Nash. He's working on a job not too far from here.
"Hey," Nash answers, sounding more serious than usual. "I heard about Jen."
I whack Austin's arm and say to him, "What the hell?"
"What?" He turns to me.
"You told Nash about Jen?"
Austin takes my phone and says to Nash, "I told you not to say anything."
I grab my phone back and talk to Nash. "So everyone knows?"
"Jake knows, but we didn't tell Dad. But you know Jen will."
"But she hasn't yet?"
"Not that I know of. I just saw him an hour ago and he didn't mention it. So you think she'll take the job?"
"I don't know. I don't want to talk about it. I called because I wanted to see if you're still at the job site."
"Yeah, but I'm leaving. I'm walking to my truck."
"Can you stop by Rut's Brewery? I'm here with Austin but I have to take off. Didn't want to leave my kid brother at the bar all alone." I smile at him.
He rolls his eyes. "I can eat by myself, idiot."
"Austin'll buy you a beer," I say to Nash. "And I've got a burger and fries I haven't touched. Or did Callie already make dinner?"
"She's not home. She has class tonight. Tell Austin I'll be there in a few minutes."
"Okay, talk to you later."
"Bryce, wait."
"What?"
"You doing okay?" Nash has that worried tone he always gets. I think it's one of those oldest brother things. He's always worried about us.
"Honestly? No. I'm not."
"Why don't I stop over there tonight? Let's talk."
"I can't. Jen's coming over. She's staying at my place. Nash, I gotta go."
"Yeah, okay. We'll talk later."
"Nash will be here in a few minutes," I say to Austin.
"Where are you going?"
"Back to my apartment. I'll see you tomorrow."
When I get back to my place, I take a long hot shower but it does nothing to relieve that tense, anxious feeling I've had ever since Jen told me about her job.
I have to do something. I can't let her leave. I thought I could, but I can't.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Jen
This afternoon, I stopped by my advisor's office to tell him how the interview went. He congratulated me, assuming I'd take the job if they offer it to me, which I think they will. When I was in Denver talking to Tracy, she basically told me I had the job. She said I'd be a perfect fit for the company, although I'm not really sure if that's true. I wasn't there long enough to tell.
When I told my advisor I hadn't made a decision about the job, he urged me to take it. He said it's a tough job market right now and that some of the people who graduated with accounting degrees last December are still unemployed. That had me panicking, thinking I have no choice but to take this job. I've been sending out resumes for months and heard nothing back, so if I turn this job down, I may not get another offer for months, or even a year. I can't risk being unemployed for that long. I could always get an hourly job to pay the bills, but the longer I go without an accounting job, the worse I'll look to an employer.
So I feel like I have to take this job, but I know if I do, it'll be the end for Bryce and me. We'll still be friends, but I want more than that. Now that I've had a taste of what it's like to be his girlfriend, I don't want to go back to being just friends.
But what if I don't take this job and then we break up? As much as I love Bryce, I don't completely trust him to stay in this relationship. He said he knew he loved me after that kiss on graduation night. If that were true, then why did he let me go? Why did he ignore me for almost a year? I know he said he did it because he felt like I deserved someone better, but why didn't he tell me that back then? Why didn't he at least talk to me and explain himself?
Ever since we started dating, I've been worried Bryce might do something like that again. Something will make him question our relationship and he'll just end it. If we'd been dating a few months, maybe I'd feel differently, but it's only been a few weeks and that's not enough time for me to feel confident this will last.
Just after seven, I get home from my job at the bookstore. I'm supposed to go over to Bryce's apartment tonight but I don't know if I will. I feel like I need time alone to think about this. My head is spinning trying to figure out what to do. This is all happening so fast.
My phone rings and I assume it's Bryce, but instead it's my mom. Just what I need. A call from my mom to make me feel even more anxious.
"Hi, Mom."
"I texted you earlier and you didn't respond."
"I'm sorry. I was in class and then I had to work."
"So you got that job in Colorado?"
"No. I mean, I don't know. I just had an interview. They haven't made an offer."
"Bryce made it sound like you had the job."
"You talked to Bryce?"
"I had to call him because you wouldn't call me back last night."
"Mom, I couldn't call. I didn't have time."
"You had time to call Bryce. So he's more important than me?"
I sigh. "I can't talk about this right now. I need to get going."
"Where? To Bryce's place? So you'll go see him but not me? I've missed you, darlin'. I need to see you."
Does she really want to see me? Or does she just need money, or something else from me?
"I'll come over this weekend, okay?"
"This weekend? That's days from now. I want you to—"
"I'm sorry, but I have to go." I hang up, cringing, because I know she's going to yell at me later for hanging up on her.
I'm about to call Bryce and tell him I won't be over there, but then I hear a knock on the door.
"Jen, can I come in?" It's Bryce. So much for having time alone to think. And yet my heart leaps with happiness knowing he's here. I'm so in love with him. So what do I do? Stay here, even though I'm not sure about us?
"It's open," I say, meeting him at the door.
He comes in holding a bouquet of red roses. He's never given me roses, or any kind of flower.
He hands them to me. "These are for you."
"Bryce, they're beautiful, but why are you giving them to me? And why are you here? I was supposed to meet you at your apartment."
"I know, but I didn't want to wait. I have to talk to you." His voice is fast, urgent. "Can we go sit down?"
"Yeah. Just let me put these in water."
"Can you do that later? I really need to talk to you."
"Okay." I set the roses on the kitchen counter and meet him on the couch. "What's wrong?"
He faces me, his eyes on mine, and holds both my hands. "Don't leave."
"What?"
"Don't leave." He sounds out of breath, like he's nervous or anxious or both. "I know it's a good job and I know this is your decision to make, and I respect whatever you decide, but...I don't want you to go. I love you, Jen. I always have. I was just too afraid to tell you until a few weeks ago. I thought it w
ould be good for you to leave. It would get you away from your mom. She wouldn't be able to control you anymore, and I thought that would make you happy, and maybe it would. But Jen, if you stay, I promise I'll help you deal with your mom. We'll deal with her together. I'll do anything. I just don't want you to leave."
"Bryce, I...I don't know what to say."
"Say you won't go. Say you'll at least think about it."
"I don't even have the job yet."
"But you know you'll get it. You've got the job if you want it." He pauses. "So do you?"
"I...I don't know yet." My mind fumbles for the words because I'm not prepared to have this conversation. "I haven't had time to think about it. This is all happening so fast."
"What about us? Have you thought about us?"
"That's pretty much all I've thought about," I say quietly.
His face falls. "And you're still not sure what to do."
He thinks I'm ending this. But I'm not. I don't know what I'm doing.
"Bryce, I need to think about this. I thought we decided not to talk about it until we knew for sure if I had the job."
"I know. I just..." He takes a breath. "I just had to tell you how I feel. I don't want you to leave." His face is pleading. "Please don't leave."
I love him, but I'm also frustrated with him. And angry. So angry.
"Dammit, Bryce!" I yank my hands from his and stand up. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner? Like back in January when I started applying for jobs all over the country?"
He shoots up from the couch. "You're mad at me? I bring you roses and beg you to stay and you yell at me?"
"I'm mad because you waited so long! You had months to tell me this and you choose to do it now? Is it only because there's a real possibility I might leave? Is that the only reason you're telling me this?"
"I'm telling you because I love you." He raises his voice. "Why are you trying to make this so freaking complicated?"
"Because it IS complicated. You and I have a history. A long history, and not all of it is good. You told me that you knew you loved me back on graduation night." My voice cracks and I take a breath, trying to get through this without crying. "So if you knew you loved me, then where the hell have you been the past four years? Why were you dating other girls when I was right here? I was RIGHT here, Bryce, for FOUR years, and you never once even asked me out." I'm crying now. I can't help it. I've bottled this up for so long, and now all the emotion I held back for so many years is breaking free.
"Jen." He reaches for my hand but I back away and walk behind the couch.
"Tell me why. Why did you wait four years to tell me you loved me?"
He looks down at the floor. "Because I didn't think we had a future together. You were going to college. Moving forward. I didn't want to hold you back. I thought it was better if we just stayed friends."
"So you made that decision FOR me, instead of letting us both decide."
He doesn't answer so I continue.
"If you'd talked to me after that night, and told me how you felt, you know what I would've said?" I don't wait for his response. "I would've told you that I want to be with you no matter what. I would've said you were crazy to even think that you were holding me back." I sniffle and wipe my tears but more fall in their place. "You're the reason I'm here right now, Bryce. Living in my own apartment. In college. About to get my first real job. I wouldn't have any of this if it weren't for you. You were only six when we met, and yet you knew my mom wasn't taking care of me. So you brought me to your house. Told your parents about me. You gave me a family. People who cared about me and fed me and made sure I went to school. And if I hadn't had that, I would've become my mom. I wouldn't have graduated high school and I sure as hell wouldn't be in college." I wipe my eyes. "So don't you dare fucking tell me you held me back. You didn't then and you don't now. That's your own insecurities talking. And it's an excuse. An excuse so you don't have to be with me."
"I just TOLD you I want to be with you!" He comes around the couch and stands in front of me. "Why are you bringing up the past? It's over. I screwed up four years ago, okay? But I don't want to do it again, which is why I'm telling you how I feel."
"For now. But what if you change your mind?"
"Fuck," he mutters, turning and walking away from me. He whips back around. "Why are you doing this? To make us break up? So it'll be easier for you to take this job?"
I throw my hands in the air. "Yeah, that's why I'm doing it. It's all about me. To make things easier on me." I shake my head. "You're such an ass sometimes."
He storms back to me. "Then tell me why. Why are you talking about four years ago instead of right now?"
"Because you broke my heart four years ago!" I yell at him. "And I don't want you doing it again. You say you love me, but apparently you've loved me for the past four years, maybe even longer, and yet you didn't tell me until just a few weeks ago. I want to trust you, Bryce, and as a friend, I DO trust you, but as a boyfriend, I'm not so sure. I don't trust this will last. I'm afraid you'll find some excuse for why it won't. And then what? I'll be here in Chicago without a job."
"I never said you couldn't take the job." His voice softens and he gently cups his hands around my face. "All I want is for you to be happy, and if taking that job makes you happy, then take it. We'll try to make the long-distance thing work." He sets his eyes on mine. "I'm not breaking up with you. If you want to get rid of me, you're gonna have to be the one to break it off. I love you. I've loved you for as long as I can remember, and now that I have you, I'm not letting you go. I was a fucking idiot for those four years. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn't. I know that now. I know I hurt you, and I know you're angry, and I'm sorry. For all of it. I should've been honest with you, but I wasn't and I'm not going to make that mistake again. So here's the honest truth. I don't want you to go. I want to be able to see you every day. Hold your hand. Kiss you. Take you out to dinner. Buy you Oreos and make pizza bagels together." He pauses. "I know this decision is up to you, but I couldn't let you leave without telling you how I feel."
I'm not sure how to respond. Bryce said a lot of things and I want to believe every single one of them, but there's a part of me that doesn't. It's the part that still remembers the last four years and all the pain and hurt I felt trying to be more than friends with Bryce, but having him reject me over and over again. What if he does it again? How do I know this isn't temporary? Bryce says it isn't, but can I trust his words? Do I give up this job to find out?
"I need time to think about this," I say. "But I want you to stay. So will you?"
"You don't have to ask. You know I will." He kisses me. "I love you."
"I love you too." I sniffle. "I need to go clean up my face. I'll be right back."
When I return to the living room, Bryce is sitting on the couch.
"We should probably get something to eat," I say. "I haven't eaten all day."
"Me either."
"Are you serious? You usually eat every hour. Are you sick?"
"I didn't have an appetite."
"Oh," I say, realizing he didn't eat because of me. And I didn't eat because of him.
"Do you want to just order a pizza?" he asks. "I don't really feel like going out."
When the pizza arrives, I have a slice and Bryce has two. Normally, Bryce could eat a whole pizza by himself and I'd have at least three slices, but tonight, neither one of us has an appetite.
We lie on the couch and watch TV. I feel like we should be talking about this, but I don't know what to tell him. He wants me to stay in Chicago, and I would if I knew I had a future with him, but I'm not sure he can give me one. So do I take the future I'm sure of? The job in Denver? Or do I stay here and trust that Bryce won't break up with me? He said he wouldn't, but can I really believe him? His insecurities drove us apart in the past, and despite what he says, I'm afraid it'll happen again.
There's a knock on the door. I sigh as I get up from the couch. "It better n
ot be Chad."
"Why would it be Chad?"
"He's writing the group paper this week and said he had questions."
"Let me get the door." He goes over there and opens it. "What are you doing here?"
I see my mom walking in. "I came to see my daughter since she never calls me or comes over to see me."
"Mom." I go up to her. "You need to call first. You can't just stop over."
"Oh, really? Is that true for your boyfriend too? Or just me?"
Bryce stands next to me. "Rita, just go. This isn't a good time."
She points her finger at him. "Don't you tell me when it's a good time to see my daughter! I'll see her whenever I damn well please."
"Okay, stop," I say. "Both of you. Mom, I know you wanted to see me, and I promise you, I'll come home this weekend and we'll go out for lunch or do something else. I just can't do this right now. I have too much going on."
"Then tell HIM to leave." She waves her hand at Bryce. "HE'S your problem. Not me."
"Seriously?" Bryce raises his voice. "You're the one who—"
"Stop!" I yell it this time, then go to the door, holding it open. "Mom, you need to leave. And Bryce? You should probably leave too."
"Me? What did I do?"
"I need time to think, and I can't think with the two of you fighting."
My mom crosses her arms over her chest. "I'm not going unless he's going."
Bryce glares at her. "You're such a child. Why don't you act like an adult for once and just leave like she asked you to?"
"Fine." She slowly grins as she looks over at me. "I'll leave, but not before I have a little chat with my daughter."
"We'll talk this weekend," I say. "I don't feel like talking now."
"It won't take long." She walks over to the couch. "Come sit down."
I look at Bryce. He's shaking his head. He wants me to kick her out, but I can tell she's not going to leave until she says whatever it is she wants to say.
"You need to make this quick." I close the door and go sit on the couch next to her. Bryce remains where he is, watching us and muttering something under his breath.
"You know how much I care about you, honey," my mom says, holding my hand between both of hers.
Can't Let You Go: A Wheeler Brothers Novel Page 26