– Are you OK? she said.
He shrugged.
– It’s not my thing. I’m going back to our hotel.
– I’ll come with you, said Stella.
She found she had no further desire for the party. She wanted to be alone with him in the hotel room. As they walked between the two grand hotels in the snow, he caught her and kissed her. Stella shook him off, it was too dangerous.
Up in the room he ordered a bottle of champagne and lobster.
Stella wanted neither, but didn’t protest. She wanted their first whole night together to be blissful; he must have whatever he wanted.
The next day they had breakfast in bed, and at eleven Stella got up in order to attend the plenary session at which Stephen was sharing a platform with the Russian oil minister.
Despite the intense dislike between the two men and despite the fact that AE had almost given up in its battle to retain its stake in the Siberian oilfield, Stephen was graceful and eloquent. The ‘spirit of Davos’ was meant to forbid any harsh words, and he spoke of the need for transparency and the importance of Russia being open.
Afterwards, Stella scooped up a couple of cakes and took them upstairs to where Rhys was still lying in bed. She felt a flicker of annoyance that he had not got up or shaved or picked up any of their clothes from the floor. Instead he was staring at the ceiling with his iPod on. But he called her to bed, and she let her irritation be stroked away.
All afternoon they lay in bed and made love over and over again, and just as it was getting dark Rhys announced that he wanted to go out into the snow.
They got dressed and went outside. It was bitterly cold, but there was no wind. They walked for a bit and then Rhys said: Let’s stop here.
They lay down together, making deep impressions in the soft snow, and Stella clung to him and closed her eyes. At this time next day she would be back at home, and the thought filled her with terror. She had never thought of leaving Charles, she could not do that. But at that moment she wanted something worse: she wanted Charles to die, peacefully and painlessly, leaving her to be with Rhys.
The mood did not last. They returned to the hotel, cold and with melting snow in the seams of their clothes, and Stella anxious not to be late for the formal dinner.
– Don’t go to it, Rhys said.
– I have to, Stella said. There will be an empty place if I don’t.
And they had had a row, during which Stella’s phone went. It was Charles.
– Please don’t answer it, Rhys said. Just for once. Can’t you turn it off and just be with me for another few hours? I’ll turn mine off, too.
And so Stella turned off her phone and turned up late for a dinner at which she was seated between the CEO of Boeing and a French MEP. She discussed aviation fuel for a bit, then claimed a migraine and headed back to her room. As soon as she got there she was aware that the mood had deteriorated in the hour and a half that she had been gone.
Rhys had been drinking his way through the mini bar and was lying naked in bed watching rugby on the TV. She told him about the Boeing guy and how the Frenchman had bad breath and kept patting her knee. Rhys didn’t laugh, and Stella got undressed and got into bed next to him. He made love to her, but this time seemed more desperate than loving. He seized her upper arms and held them so tight she cried out. They lay there in the dark, with the television still playing sport on mute, but Rhys was no longer watching.
– I don’t know if, when I look back on this years from now, I’ll wish I had held on to you, he said.
– What do you mean? said Stella. I thought that you had decided you were holding on to me?
– I can’t have you, so how can I hold on to you?
– But I am yours. In my heart I belong to you.
– Don’t let’s have this conversation again, he said. You aren’t mine, so I don’t know why you bother to pretend that you are.
He told her how he had tried for five weeks and four days to tell himself that it was over and better over, but that he could not do it. But now, now that he was with her again, he couldn’t even feel happiness – all he felt was anguish at the thought of it ending. He felt when he was with her an even greater sense of loss than when he was without her, and the feeling was so tinged with panic and jealousy that he could not cope at all.
Rhys buried his head in the pillow and started to cry. Stella held him, and breathed in his misery like a scent. Love, she thought, has made a monster of me. I want this boy to suffer. If he suffers he is mine. And if he was being weak and weeping, then she could be strong. She could stroke his hair and kiss his wet cheeks and say there, there, I’m here. I’m here.
The hotel phone started to ring; probably a query about breakfast in the morning. Stella leant over and unplugged it. The ringing stopped his tears. And for a while they lay there, still. Stella had wanted to make love to him again, but he said he must sleep. He closed his eyes and was asleep with what Stella regarded as indecent haste.
Her earlier security started to slip. If he was that upset, how could he turn it all off and go to sleep? And how could he look so peaceful in his own somnolent world? Stella, awake and now desolate, gazed at him and started to shed tears of her own. She knew then that he was right and that this was impossible. What had been between them was destroyed and could not be mended. This was the end. She knew it this time. There had been so many false ends, but when you meet the real one, you know it.
Stella got out of bed. She was being picked up at 5 a.m. to be taken to the airport; Rhys was booked on a later flight. She could not bear to be in bed with him, and even though it was only 3 a.m., she got up and had a shower. Then she turned on her phone.
There were twenty-two missed calls and twelve texts, the first six of them from Clemmie.
The first said:
Shit maths exam. Call me.
This was followed by similar texts in a rising tone of anxiety until the last one of the six, which said:
I don’t believe this. I’ve just screwed up my mocks and you can’t even be arsed to return my texts.
The next was from Charles and it said:
Disaster. BBC said no to documentary. Head of programming wants to run some tedious crap on recession instead.
And then Charles again:
What’s happening? Why is your phone off?
The next three messages were from James.
Stella, we must talk.
Then:
Stella can you please call me.
And finally:
Stella – this is urgent. I need a statement from you. I have phoned your family and they can’t raise you either. Call me urgently as soon as you get this.
She could not ring any of them. They would all be asleep in their beds at home. She looked at Rhys on the bed, also asleep.
She lay down on the bed on top of the covers fully dressed and stared at the ceiling until it was 5 a.m. and her car was downstairs. She got up, picked up her suitcase and closed the door behind her.
Bella
Bella was sitting at her desk scrolling through job advertisements online when Ben came bustling over in huge excitement.
– I’ve just had the News of the World on the line. They claim to have evidence that Stella is having an affair – you are not going to believe this – with Rhys Williams.
– That’s bollocks, said Bella.
– That’s what I thought. Only it’s not. They claim to have pictures of the two of them together at Davos. They are going to do an exposé on the scandalous secret of Businesswoman of the Year. God, I love days like this.
– So what did you say?
– I behaved as if I had a pole up my arse and said it wasn’t our policy to comment on personal matters. But really, it’s just too good to be true. Mrs Goody Two Shoes has been shagging the rough junior from the council estate. And then – you just couldn’t make it up – she promotes him to be her assistant and spends company money on champagne and lobster in room service.
> – I still don’t believe it, said Bella. I know Rhys really well, and I would have known if there was anything like this going on.
– Well, it’s true whether you believe it or not. I’ve just told James – as he said his name, Ben gave Bella a meaningful look which she ignored – who has gone mental. Says he is going to deal with it himself.
– Oh my God, said Bella. Poor Rhys.
– Poor Rhys? Have you gone soft? He’s done very nicely out of this little number, thank you very much, promoted way above his merits. Though if he thought he could get away with it without being caught, he was a total idiot. I’m also surprised at his taste – I wouldn’t fancy shagging someone that scrawny.
Bella didn’t want to listen any more, so she told Ben that she had work to do, though her work – writing up the Love Contract – now seemed even more laughable than it had before. She felt cross with Rhys for lying to her and hurt that he hadn’t trusted her. But more than that, she wondered why he would go for Stella Bradberry. She was clever, and admirable. But not really good-looking. And why would Stella have gone for Rhys? That was even harder to fathom. Bella had quite fancied him at first, but then felt he was too young even for her. Yet even though he was a baby, Bella didn’t think he deserved the storm that would surely now engulf him, and decided to warn him.
Hi Rhys, not sure how to put this, but News of the World is planning to write a story about you and Stella having an affair. Don’t know if it’s true or not, but thought you should know. Do call me if you want to. Bella
She stayed at her desk waiting for a reply, but none came. Bella thought this odd, as he was usually glued to his BlackBerry.
Stella
From Zurich airport Stella called home. Clemmie had forgotten her rage of the day before, but didn’t want to talk as she was in a hurry to get to school. Charles’s voice sounded low and defeated and he asked her why she hadn’t taken his calls the previous night. She said that she had lost her mobile but now had it back and he had seemed inclined to accept the story. Then she called James, but he was in a meeting.
These three duty calls accomplished, she wondered whether to call Rhys, who would be just getting up to get his later flight.
As she had lain silently on the bed she had resolved that there would be no further conversation between them at all of an intimate nature. It was too painful. But now she couldn’t bear the thought of him moving around the room on his own. She wanted to hear his voice.
He answered on the fourth ring, his voice sounding thick.
– Hello, she said.
– Hello, he replied.
And then there was a long silence.
– What are you doing? he asked.
– I’m waiting to get on the plane.
– Oh.
And then there was another long silence.
Stella could not bring herself to say goodbye. Instead she said: Sorry.
And he said: Yes.
Then she hung up. She didn’t cry; she had no more tears left.
Stella got into the office just after lunchtime to find James talking anxiously to Nathalie outside her office.
– Oh, there you are, he said. I need to talk to you.
He followed her inside and closed the door.
– What is it? she asked.
– Stella, this is very awkward. I’m not sure how to broach it, so I’m just going to ask you straight. Are you having an affair with Rhys Williams?
Stella looked at him levelly.
– No, she said.
– This is important, Stella. Are you sure about that?
– Yes, James, I am.
– Well, he said. That’s good. Because some arsehole at the News of the World is proposing to write a story saying that you are having an affair with him. They wouldn’t care except that you are Businesswoman of the Year, and we are really unpopular with the share price collapse and now this. Thank God you aren’t. And I’m really sorry to have had to put you on the spot.
– That’s OK, she said.
– I’ll tell them that our lawyers will get them for libel if they print one word.
At first Stella felt nothing. Such is the power of shock that she was quite numb.
But then a wave of sickness swept over her. She sat down at her desk, but her hands were shaking so much she could not type properly. Neither could she read the screen.
Sitting there was a message from Rhys.
Bella says that we’ve been rumbled by the News of the World. I can’t deal with this at all. That’s what my mother reads.
R
And so that was it. In the end what mattered to him was not losing her for ever, it was what his mother might think. Stella looked at the chilly R and let out a low moan.
Nathalie put her head around the door.
– Do you want me to get you a coffee? she said.
– No thank you, Nathalie, I don’t.
She said it more harshly than she meant; she was not strong enough to be able to tolerate any sympathy.
– But could you tell Bella I want to see her now?
Bella
Bella’s mobile was ringing. It was the woman from the agency.
– They are offering you the job, the woman was saying. They thought you were sensational – a total natural – but the only problem is that they need you to start at once.
– Wonderful, Bella said flatly. I’ll ask my boss if I need to work my notice. There isn’t much to do here, so it might be OK. I’ll get back to you.
As she put the phone down she felt no relief, no sense of triumph. She was leaving so as to avoid ever seeing James again, but the thought that she might not actually see him again now made her feel she faced a life sentence of bleakness.
Nathalie emerged from Stella’s room.
– She wants to see you now, she said.
Bella went and knocked at the door.
– Sit down, please, said Stella.
She was looking white and shrunken. Bella thought she seemed ten years older than when she had left for Davos just a few days earlier.
– I understand you told Rhys that the news was out that he and I have been having an affair.
Bella inclined her head uncertainly.
– I don’t know where these stories come from. But they aren’t true. And what is more – and this is the bit that really shocks me – they are not for you to spread. I’m particularly distressed at this, given the kindness I have shown you in taking you on to my team when things were difficult for you.
Stella was spitting out the words, and staring at Bella with a mad gleam in her eye.
– I’m sorry, Bella said. But I haven’t been spreading stories. I just heard it from Ben, who took the call from the journalist. And I texted Rhys with it, as it concerns him. I thought he ought to know.
Stella stopped glaring at Bella and sat down heavily.
– What are people saying about me? Do they believe these … stories? she asked in a low, defeated tone of voice.
– I don’t know, said Bella. I haven’t talked to anyone. I suppose some people are delighted because it’s top gossip.
Stella laughed bitterly.
– It might be top gossip, but it isn’t true.
– But if it isn’t true, said Bella, they can’t print it, and all this will go away.
Stella groaned.
– Lying to you isn’t making me feel better. I have lied so much for the last nine months, I have really lost my sense of what is true and what isn’t. Lies seem more real to me than the truth.
Bella didn’t know what to say to this, so she nodded quietly.
– Yes, I have been having an affair with Rhys. But it’s over now.
She paused and then said:
– It’s hell. It’s complete hell.
Stella put one hand over her face and with the other started wildly twiddling with her hair – a gesture that did not belong to the Businesswoman of the Year.
– Yes, Bella said. It is complete and
utter hell. I know.
Bella had intended this to be sympathetic, but Stella bit back:
– How dare you say you know? You don’t know what this is like. No one knows. When you had the affair, and it came out, no one cared.
– That’s a bit extreme, Bella said. I cared, for one.
– Yes, obviously, said Stella. Sorry, that didn’t sound right. But I am a target. I have lost my reputation here. I have probably lost my job. I may have lost my marriage and my children too.
Stella put her head in her hands.
– And I’ve lost him, she said in a low voice, almost to herself.
Bella went over to the older woman and touched her arm. She was genuinely distressed at Stella’s misery but it also made her feel better about her own. She was no longer the most wretched creature in the company, at the bottom of the moral hierarchy; she was able to offer comfort to someone in an even greater mess.
– You did help me, she said, and I would like to do the same for you, now, if there is anything you can think of that I could do?
– Thank you, Bella, said Stella. But you can’t. I might have asked you to speak up in my defence, but there is nothing to say. Not one single thing. I deserve whatever comes my way.
Stella
For the next few days Stella held her breath. At work and at home she went through the motions of ordinary life, going to meetings and having breakfast with the children. This was the calm; the storm would surely follow.
Each time she spoke to someone at work, she wondered: Do they know? And what do they think of me? The only person in the office whom she could talk to without this sense of impending doom was Bella, but Bella had found another job and had asked to leave at once. Stella felt that she wanted – even needed – the younger woman to stay, but said it was fine, she should go as soon as she wanted to. Since their discussion no further reference had been made to Rhys, or to love – or disgrace. But Bella had looked at her with an expression that was not full of loathing. She even brought her finished work on the Love Contract to show Stella, and the two of them had gone through it and had laughed bleakly.
At home, things were still more difficult. Stella looked at her children with dread. Will they still love me when they know? The answer to this question, which she had so studiously avoided asking herself directly in the last six months, was surely no. And what about Charles? Would he still want to live with someone who had so deceived him?
In Office Hours Page 31