In Office Hours

by Lucy Kellaway

  Yet with each day that passed and with each normal meeting that she went to and with each normal conversation she had with the children, Stella became less anxious. On day five, when nothing had happened, she started to wonder whether maybe, just maybe, she might get away with it, after all.

  Bella

  Stella had made no fuss about Bella going and had said she could leave at the end of that week. Bella had decided against having a leaving party, partly because she couldn’t face it and partly because she couldn’t afford it. If you were senior, the company paid for a party; if you were not, you paid for your own drinks.

  But on the day itself she decided that she must do something to mark her departure, if for no other reason than to alert James to the fact that she was leaving.

  She didn’t want to do him the favour of telling him herself; let him find out impersonally, she thought.

  She typed a message and sent it to everyone in her department.

  Hi

  I’m leaving AE today after five long and happy years. It has been a great time and I’ll miss all of you. Please come and have a piece of cake at my desk at 4.30 today.

  Bella

  She had put aside the afternoon for putting her things into bags, but as she didn’t have much the job was done in less than twenty minutes. She thought of that day, almost exactly a year earlier, when she had done the same for Julia. It felt like a lifetime ago; Bella was filled with nostalgia for that time before she had started to work for James, and before she had messed up her life for a second time.

  At 4.25, Anthea came bustling over and Bella offered her a slice of cake.

  – I shouldn’t really, she said, accepting a slice. I’ve got my sister-in-law coming over and I’m doing the Jamie Oliver pasties, but I’ll have a sliver, just to wish you well. I’ve got you these.

  She fished a card out of her bag and handed over a plastic bag containing a potted hyacinth from Marks & Spencer.

  This act of kindness made Bella want to cry.

  – Thank you, she said.

  – I really hope that it works out for you at the new place, she said. I know you have been having a tough time recently, and I’m sorry.

  Bella nodded. Her eyes had filled with tears.

  Anthea, seeing this, went on:

  – There is nothing that escapes me about himself. I know him inside out and back to front. I’d say he really misses you. But what will be, will be.

  Anthea put her arms around Bella and hugged her.

  – Let me know how you get on, she said.

  – Of course I will, said Bella, though she knew she wouldn’t.

  Ben had drifted over to join them. He helped himself to a large slab of cake and looked at Bella mournfully.

  – Now that we don’t work together any more, will you go out with me?

  Bella smiled and shook her head absently, looking over Ben’s shoulder to see if James had decided to come for cake. She didn’t want him there, but the thought that she might go without him even saying goodbye was making her feel giddy with misery.

  Nathalie joined the party as it was breaking up, and accepted a last piece of cake.

  – I’m sorry I’m so late, she said. The shit has really hit the fan with Stella. She has been in with Stephen and James all this time. I think they are drafting a statement, so I feel I need to stay around.

  – Oh dear, said Bella.

  But really she was thinking, that’s why James isn’t here. It’s not because he’s a coward and not because he doesn’t want to say goodbye. But because he can’t. And that was good, because she wasn’t sure that she could bear to say goodbye either.

  And just as she was gathering together her coat and her bag of belongings, she saw the little map that he had drawn for her showing her how to get to the Great Eastern Hotel. Bella took it, screwed it up into a little ball, and threw it at the bin. It missed and lay on the floor beside it.

  As she went to the lift, she walked into him.

  – You are going, James said.

  – Yes, she replied.

  – Well, he said, and hesitated.

  Well what? thought Bella. Well, you’ve broken another woman’s heart and ruined her career? Well, this is another jolly mess? Well, I can’t stand to see you go? Well, I’ll miss you?

  But James didn’t say any of these things.

  – Well, he said again.

  He was looking blank and frozen.

  – I suppose this is goodbye.

  – I suppose it is, said Bella, and got into the lift, keeping the sobs that she knew were coming until the doors had closed safely behind her.

  Stella

  Almost exactly a week after her return from Davos, Nathalie put her head round the door of Stella’s office and said:

  – James on the phone; he wants to talk to you.

  Stella picked up the phone.

  – Stella, he said. This is really ugly. I gave them your denial, and they tell me that they have CCTV pictures of the two of you. Something on the roof? That they have expenses from the hotel in Davos. And now they’ve got your denial, they are running with it as a lie and cheat story, rather than just a cheat story. Can you come to my office now? I’ve got Stephen here with me, and Mark Weisman, our libel lawyer.

  Stella walked down the corridor and into his office, straight past Anthea, who was holding the door open but not meeting her eye.

  The three men fell silent at the sight of Stella.

  – Thank you for joining us, said James stiffly.

  He waited for her to sit down and then went on.

  – We were just wondering who leaked the story to them.

  Stella said she didn’t know. Now that the very worst had happened she no longer cared. It could have been Nathalie. It could have been James himself. The more she thought about it the more possibilities there seemed to be.

  – Russell informs me that there was a whistleblower incident six weeks ago, brought by Beate Schlegel. We are assuming that she was the source. Does that sound plausible to you?

  Stella nodded dumbly.

  – Yes, Beate. Quite probably, she said quietly, fixing her eyes on a miniature chest of drawers that was standing inexplicably in the middle of the coffee table.

  The lawyer explained that the newspaper could get around the privacy laws by claiming that the story was in the public interest. This might be possible if it could prove that Stella had broken guidelines on expenses and spent shareholders’ money on Rhys Williams. It appeared that they had evidence of this.

  Stella wanted to protest that her room service bill from Davos, even with the champagne and the lobster that Rhys had ordered – and then not consumed – was still less than the sort of expenses that either James or Stephen routinely submitted, but what was the point?

  – From what I understand of it, Stella, Stephen was saying, it isn’t the fact that you had an inappropriate relationship with the young man, or that you promoted him. It isn’t even the fact that you got him into the room at Davos or all the stuff you ordered on room service. It isn’t the CCTV footage of the pair of you on the roof, which, by the way, is against our health and safety regulations. It’s the fact that you lied about it.

  – I did not lie. James asked me if I was having an affair with Rhys, and I said no. I said no because it was over.

  He looked at her with some irritation.

  – We could go on splitting hairs indefinitely, but all of us are busy, so let’s not. The point is that we issued a categorical denial to the News of the World, and they have come back with evidence.

  Stella took this in, and then said with a calmness that surprised even her:

  – I lied to protect the company and to protect my family.

  – I would have thought, said Stephen, that if you were really interested in protecting either Atlantic Energy or your own family you might have thought twice about doing this in the first place.

  There was an unpleasant silence.

  And then Stephen
went on:

  – I don’t understand it, Stella. Why? Why you of all people, and why him?

  James was nodding sagely, and Stella looked at him with contempt and bitterness. If he fucked his secretary, that was fine for everyone and life moved on. But for her this was a national event. She was a liar and a fraud and an outcast, a disgrace.

  – Do you want to know why? Do you want to know why I risked everything? Why I risked my job and my family?

  Stephen inclined his head. It seemed that he did want to know.

  – At first I thought it was boredom. I was bored with success and bored with safety. This job encourages the taking of risks. We all get a buzz out of it. You do, and so do I. This was the ultimate risk. We all work so bloody hard that our emotional life is here as well as everything else. I also did it because I am middle-aged and don’t want my youth to go.

  – Really, Stella, said Stephen, that’s ridic–

  – Can I finish? she asked. You have asked why I did it, and even though it is none of your business, I’m telling you.

  James and Stephen exchanged glances.

  – I did it because I loved him. And I still do, and that is not something I am ashamed of. I am ashamed of the consequences. I am deeply ashamed of the embarrassment that this has brought my family and the company. I am ashamed of much of my behaviour. But I’m not ashamed of loving him.

  James was staring at her, his lips pursed, face devoid of any expression. Stephen groaned and put his head in his hands.

  – I trusted you, he said. I championed you. I don’t even recognize you at the moment. This is going to look absolutely awful. They are already having a go at us on greed, and then incompetence for ballsing up the Russian licence, and now, sleaze and corruption. We need you to stand up and make a statement. Apologize in public, and explain that he deserved the promotion and that you are paying back the room service bill.

  – You can have the money back. It wasn’t very much.

  She opened her purse and put £200 on the table.

  – But I’m not going to say anything to the News of the World or to anyone. I’m not making any public statements. The only statements I’m going to make are to my family.

  – In that case, Stella, said Stephen, I’m very sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to resign with immediate effect.

  – OK, she said. I resign with immediate effect.

  – Stella, Stephen said, the anger in his voice infected now with a more conciliatory tone. I am going to give you twenty-four hours to reconsider.

  – I don’t need it, she said. I’m going now.

  She went back to her desk. Nathalie was standing outside her office looking baleful.

  – I’m sorry, she said. Stella nodded and walked past her into her office and started to sort her things. Nathalie didn’t offer to help. Was this out of embarrassment, Stella wondered, or was it because when someone is cut loose in disgrace there is no point in human kindness.

  She didn’t feel at all tearful. She felt nothing at all. She stood in her office and wondered what to take. The laptop and the BlackBerry belonged to the company. In her drawer she had a pair of tights and a pair of reading glasses that she now needed for the A–Z. There were some photos of the children. There was a picture of Rhys smiling at her that she had taken on her mobile and printed out. There was another of them together on a platform in the North Sea. She was looking radiantly happy, and he was looking off in the other direction. And there was the Post-it note and a Twix bar. She kept the pictures and the Post-it note, and put the Twix into the bin.

  She picked up her mobile and dialled home. It rang for a long time and then Charles picked up.

  – Darling, she said. It’s me.

  – It’s the last couple of minutes of the Test Match, can it wait?

  – Yes, she said. Yes, it can wait. It can wait for ever. All the damage is already done.

  January 2010

  Bella

  Bella was rather regretting having agreed to the lunch. She had had a client meeting that morning which had dragged on and so by the time she got down to reception, he had been waiting for ten minutes. He had a bit more grey hair and had lost some weight. He looked older, she thought.

  – Bella, he said, turning to her. How simply lovely to see you. You look wonderful.

  – Thank you, she said. Sorry I’m late.

  He looked at her, and there it still was, that funny thing between them, not quite dead after all.

  – Is Pret OK for you? she asked.

  He said it was, and as they walked there Bella started talking, too fast, telling him about why she was late, and about how she liked Charlotte Street as an area and how she had never really liked Moorgate much.

  They queued for their sandwiches, and sat at a little round table of exactly the kind that they had sat at on the day of the fire alarm, when he had held her hand. Bella wondered if he was remembering that day too.

  James asked about her job and listened as she described the agency and laughed when she imitated the head of creative. He told her how happy he was for her, and how he had known from the first what a star she would be.

  – And what about you? Bella asked.

  – Well, he said. Professionally life has been good to me. I don’t know if you saw but I’m now on the AE board –?

  Bella hadn’t seen that. She didn’t read the business pages of the newspaper any more.

  – Congratulations, she said.

  There was a pause, and he asked if she still saw anyone from AE and she said the only person she saw was Rhys.

  – And what’s he up to? James asked.

  – He’s doing really well. Things were difficult for him – I think he was quite unhappy in Alaska. But then he joined a start-up company that does music streaming, and I saw in the papers that they are now a rival to iTunes. Last time I heard from him he went on and on about how great the job was until I got tired of listening.

  James laughed and asked what music streaming was, and Bella said that it would have all his favourite Van Morrison tracks on it and he could listen for nothing. Then she asked: Do you ever see Stella?

  – No, he said. She dropped below the radar as soon as she left. I felt that she had turned the page completely, and didn’t want to be reminded of what had happened. Though I do hear about her. She has started her own consultancy business and is on the boards of various companies and even advising the government on its policy on renewables.

  – So she shrugged off the scandal, too.

  – Yes, in professional terms, he said. And it wasn’t that bad, really. One small story in the News of the World, followed up with a paragraph in a couple of the dailies, but that was it. No one cared much. But in emotional terms – who knows?

  And then he said, as if imparting a truth that he had stumbled on by himself:

  – These things can do a lot of damage.

  – Yes, said Bella.

  There was a pause, during which he looked at her intently.

  – Bella, he said. I want to tell you something. I have given the matter a great deal of thought and I have decided that it is best to come straight out with it, and tell you the truth with no embellishment.

  Bella nodded apprehensively.

  – You are the only person in my life I have ever really loved.

  Bella raised an eyebrow.

  – And I never said thank you for that. In fact the truth was even bigger. You showed me how to love, but the sad thing was I was only just getting the hang of it when you left, and so I could never show you that I was learning. Things between us were so fraught. But since then there hasn’t been an hour that has gone by without me thinking of you.

  No, she thought. Please, not now. I don’t want to hear this now. It is too late. It is too confusing.

  – All that time I was worrying about saving my marriage for the boys’ sake and worrying about my career. But it didn’t work. Hillary has not been able – or willing – to forgive me. We have had a ye
ar of bitterness and mutual resentment. And last week she said that she wants me to leave.

  – I’m sorry, said Bella.

  – Don’t be, he said. I’m not sorry. I’m only sorry that I didn’t have the courage to pursue things with you.

  Oh God, thought Bella. A year earlier she would have given everything to hear this, but now she was embarrassed. She didn’t want this man here at all.

  – Bella, he said. I know I was a shit and an idiot. You wanted love and I couldn’t give it to you. I see all that now.

  – No, she said, no. You mustn’t … And I don’t hold any of it against you. It doesn’t matter now –

  – No, he said, quite misunderstanding her and reaching for her hand. It doesn’t matter, I’m here and I can make it better.

  – No, she started to say.

  She should have gone on: no, you can’t, because I don’t want this any more. I have recently met someone, and though I don’t know if it will work out, I want to give it a chance. He doesn’t have a wife and sons, and he seems to like me in a normal, uncomplicated way.

  But she could not say that yet. James was a man who still believed that he could get what he wanted, that things would work out his way, and she didn’t have the strength, at that minute, to oppose him.

  – Bella, he said. I have a question to ask of you, as I think I mentioned in my email. And I’m going to ask it now.

  He paused and then said:

  – I want you to marry me.

  – That’s not a question, she said. It’s a statement.

  He laughed and looked at her in a way that almost made her wobble.

  – You win, he said. Here is the question: Bella, will you marry me?

  Stella

  Stella could not decide what to wear. In the last year she had acquired an expensive new work wardrobe chosen by a personal shopper at Selfridges, whom she had visited one bleak day nine months earlier in the vague hope that new clothes would mark a new start.

  She put on a Paul Smith suit with a long pink jacket and looked at herself in the mirror. When she had chosen it she had thought of it as her ‘I Will Survive’ suit, but she wasn’t sure such an aggressive colour would be right for this lunch.