Another night, I went to a club with some of the fellas, and I was sitting off in a corner getting good and quietly drunk when I heard Roni’s whisky-laced voice saying, “Ain’t nothing worse than a bitter man drinking himself into oblivion. I once thought you were a together brother. Hate to be proved wrong.”
Roni stayed on me when some of my best boys had given up and told me to call them when I was “ready to roll” again. Long after my hoops partners told me I was acting like a punk and disappeared on me, Roni was still hanging in.
I had a slight setback after that church thing. Ray almost got me with that one. Just wanted to believe again. Thought it could all go back to the way it was and everything would somehow be all right again. I wanted to believe. To believe that she was truly remorseful and that it would never happen again; after all, it’s not like we were married yet. And truth be told, that night could’ve gone the other way. She could’ve come upstairs and found me and Roni in the exact same position. Well, maybe not the exact same one, but you know where I’m coming from. Then again, I’d like to think that Roni and I had a little more moral fortitude than that. I’d like to think we had a better sense of right and wrong, no matter what we were tempted to do.
So what stopped me from going back to Ray? Again, three things. The first was that I would never, ever, be able to wipe the image of her laid out on that table with her dress hiked up and Beau ... Well, I just knew I’d never be able to touch her again without thinking about it. Didn’t matter how much we skimmed over it or tried to erase the memory, every time we had a disagreement or I got upset about something—I knew myself—I would bring it up and throw it in her face. Every time she was late, every time she acted suspicious, the image would come back to me like it was yesterday. And I knew it.
The second thing was that I kept remembering how my mother, my friends, and Roni had told me, “She’ll always want more.” That was a fact, an honest-to-God fact that wasn’t going to change about Renee. So what was to stop her from pulling this stunt again the next time some smooth-talking creamy brother with a wink and a smile came on to her? Nothing except her newfound religion, which I found harder and harder to swallow by the minute. I had offered Renee all that I had and all that I was, and it wasn’t enough then; why would it be now? I had committed myself to her and meant it. I reassured her that I was in it for real. I even proposed and put a ring stating my intentions on her finger and still it wasn’t enough. Well damn that.
And the third thing that stopped me was Veronica. It was no lie (maybe an exaggeration) when I said it could’ve been us that night. Hell, it could be us tonight if she would quit being such a buddy! But she was determined to let me have my “rebound relationship,” as she called it. I was into Veronica, not some rebound chick. She was sexy, smart, funny and real. She put me first but didn’t lose herself in the process. She has been so concerned I’ll never get over Renee.
No need telling her I did the rebound mindless sex-fling thing last month when I went out of town. You know, just to make sure I was still all that. I was up front about it; met a little honey, she was down for a hit-and-run, and we hung out for a few days. Had to try it out on someone I didn’t give a damn about first, get that itch out of my system so I could be cool about things. Too old to be out there flinging and swinging. I got in deep with Ray because I wanted a relationship, and I still do. I could wait. If I learned nothing else during the “Ray Days,” I did learn patience.
I was thinking that in about a month or so, Veronica’ll be convinced my head was back together and I was back on track. That’s when I’ll make my move. Veronica Mae will not stand a chance against me. Now wait, I know you think it sounds like I was planning and scheming again, but really, I learned my lesson. When I stepped to Roni, I was gonna be for real about it. Break down what I was looking for and what I was willing to give up. If it floated, we’ll sail. If not, we won’t. Amazing how simple things could be when we stopped trying to complicate them.
On that note, I ran into Roman the other day. Now, that was one sad-looking brother there. I tried to relate, but I couldn’t see where the big conflict was. ’Course, I was hardly one to be handing out advice to the lovelorn and shit, but I told him straight up, “When you’ve gotta good thing, and you know it’s good, don’t let it go. No matter what.” Getting deep with it, wasn’t I? Ma said I’ve grown through the pain, whatever that means. I guess it means I recognized the fact that I was lucky to escape Renee’s clutches with the few scars I had. Overall, I supposed the whole thing might have just made me a better man all around. Now, if I could just convince one sexy late-night radio personality of that ... Stop, quit planning, Gregory. Some old habits were hard to give up.
Renee—Friday, April 28, 10:19 p.m.
I was ready. Beau was out the house for a while doing God knows what. I had planned on kicking him curbside, but he smoothed things over for me with Kat. Something told me that unless I eased him out proper, my job was in the tanker. But he was definitely going to have to go. Beau did not share the same work ethic that my Greggy did. He worked when and if he felt like it. Life with Beau was one big playtime. Like being in recess all the time. Wouldn’t you know that Rome’s ass paid Beau by the hour, so sometimes that boy was beyond broke. Of course, if he didn’t spend every spare dime on clothes and good times ... Well, he did have his uses, but like I said, he was definitely here on borrowed time.
Anyway, today was exactly a year to the day of my first date with Gregory. I took a chance that he’d be home remembering and alone. My confidence was high even though he hadn’t contacted me after my public plea for forgiveness. The grapevine said he was licking his wounds in solitude and finally appeared back to normal. I knew it was just his pride keeping him from calling. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was thinking that if we get this thing ironed out and patched up, we could still make that June 7 wedding. I’d have to think long and hard about letting Roni be in the wedding, though. I run into her at the gym all the time, and though we speak cordially and all, there’s this big wedge between us. His name ... Gregory Samson.
Confidence or no, my hand was shaking as I dialed the number. He picked up on the second ring.
“Hello, this is Gregory.”
I heard party sounds in the background. So much for him being alone. It was still good to hear his voice.
For a minute I couldn’t speak. I felt a flash of guilt followed by a flash of determination.
“Hello?” he repeated.
“Greggy?” I asked in my best yes-it’s-me-baby voice.
Silence on the other end. He was probably all choked up with emotion.
“Greggy? Aren’t you going to speak?”
“Hello, Renee,” he said finally. “Turn that music down a second, could you?” he said to someone in the room.
Was that his big greeting? Well, not quite what I hoped for but still not too terrible. “Hello. How are you?”
“I’m well, thanks.”
I frowned, he was still using his business voice. I decided to dive in. “I was just sitting here thinking about us.”
“Us?” He said the word like it was a nasty thing. I started to doubt that this conversation would go well.
“Yes, us. You know, today is a year to the day that we went out on our first date.”
“Oh yeah? You always were good for remembering that kind of thing. Seems like years ago.”
I disagreed. “Seems like just yesterday to me.”
“Hmm. What can I do for you, Renee?”
Immediately, my mind flashed back to that wild day in his office when he said those same words. My response then was, “Come over here and do for me, Greggy.” I sensed that now wasn’t the best time to bring that up. Instead, I forged ahead with my prepared speech. “I saw you in church that day I stood up.”
“Um-hmm, with Beau. I remember that.” His tone was wry.
Oops, might’ve been a mistake to bring that up. I’d forgotten about the Beau factor. “Uh, yea
h, I was hoping you realized that I was apologizing to you. I don’t know what happened to me. I was a lost soul.”
He made a sound that resembled a laugh. “And you’re found now?”
I hesitated, sensing a trap in his words. “Well, I recognize right from wrong now, that’s for sure.”
“You recognized it before, Renee. You simply chose to ignore it.”
Ouch. Brother was harsh! “So, you don’t forgive me?”
Now that sound was laughter. “Consider yourself forgiven, Ray.” I took it as a good sign.
I grinned. He was calling me Ray. Feeling confident again, I laid it out there on the line. “I’d like to see you again, Greggy.”
“What for?” He sounded horrified. Horror was not good.
“There’s still a lot unsettled between us, Greg. Don’t let your pride make a terrible mistake.”
There was a long pause on his side of the line. When he spoke, his voice was somber to the point of grim. “Don’t force me to be ugly to you, Renee. Let’s just leave things as they are. Okay? We had our time together, and no matter how badly it ended, there was still a lot of good between us, emotionally and physically—”
I cut in, desperate now that I had an idea where he was going with this. “It could be like that again!” And I truly believed it could be, if he could just get past his pride.
“Ray, please. Let it go.” I could tell he was holding back something.
“No! I want to know, what is it? Your ego, your pride? Is it Beau? He’s nothing to me, nothing! Another woman? Whoever she is, she can’t do anything for you the way I could. Baby, you know how I—”
He interrupted in a quiet but firm tone. “Renee.”
“Yes?”
“Don’t make me say this.”
“Say what?”
“The thing you don’t want to hear that will hurt you the most.”
I frowned, what could it be? “Just say it.”
“Ray, I don’t want you anymore. In retrospect, I’m not sure that I ever even loved you.”
I felt like all the breath had been knocked out of me. I was literally reeling and had to reach over to grab the edge of the sofa. I couldn’t have heard him right. “What?”
“You heard me, Ray.”
Yeah, I’d heard him. I just didn’t believe him—how could he not want me? What did he mean he’d never loved me? We were going to get married! “I’m coming over there. You look at me—look me in my face—and tell me that.” How could he not want me, not love me?
“I will if I have to, Renee, but do you really want to put both of us through that?”
My mouth fell open. He was serious. “You’re serious?”
“Like a heart attack.”
“And we’re really through?”
“Completely over.”
I was in such shock, I barely knew what I was saying. “So I guess the wedding’s off.” Soon as I said it, I winced. Of course it was off!
“Good-bye, Renee. Listen, I’m sure our paths will cross again in the future, since we have, er, mutual acquaintances. Let’s try to be adult about this, shall we? No matter what happens?”
I pulled out of my dazed fog of pain long enough to register that. “What do you mean, mutual acquaintances ... no matter what happens?”
“Enough said, Ray.”
“Wait!”
“What?”
“You ... you really hurt me just now, Greg. I just can’t believe it.”
“I’m sorry I hurt you. I guess it’s ungentlemanly of me to point out that how you feel now, at this very moment, is probably exactly how I felt about three months ago. Here’s some friendly advice from one who has been through it—you’ll get over it.” He hung up the phone.
It took me a while to get up and walk the handset to the cradle. I felt as though I’d been dealt a physical blow to the stomach. I looked around frantically for something, anything, to relieve the pain. Beau chose that moment to walk back in the door. He walked over to me, grabbed me by the waist, and kissed me.
“I’m home, chére.”
I grabbed on to him like he was a lifeline. “Thank God, I missed you.”
He tilted my face up and for once actually tried to see what was going on with me. “C’est bien, chére?” He frowned; he was not one for crisis situations.
“No, no, I’m not all right. But I think you can probably make it all better.” I snuggled closer.
He grinned. Now we were back on territory he was comfortable with. “I’d say it’s more than a probability, sweetheart.” He picked me up and headed for the bedroom.
I allowed myself to be carried away.
33
Rome and Jewel
Roman—Friday, May 5, 6:21 p.m.
You know, I could have started getting over the damn girl if people would give me half a chance. It ain’t enough that I kept running into folks who asked me, “How’s Jewel?” all the damn time. No, last Sunday, I was at Moms and Pops’ place. I went into the kitchen, and there was Moms chatting away to her on the phone like she was family or something.
Now I heard Chase downstairs talking to somebody, so I came down to check it out. There he was with the phone clutched in his little fingers. Made me rue the day the boy ever learned to use a phone. I was just gonna hang here and listen in for a minute before I broke this call up.
“How come we never see you no more, Miss Joo-well?”
Oh, I’da gotten up off all my bank to hear that answer.
“Doncha love us no more?”
I’d throw in the house too.
“You do?” Chase grinned. “I told Daddy you loved-ed me. Him, too, Miss Joo-well?”
I wanted to pick up another extension so bad, it was ’bout to kill me.
“I growed up since ya seen me!” He paused to hear her response and then launched into a lengthy description of all his activities over the past two months. When he ran out of breath, he took a deep one and said, “So, whatcha been doin’?”
I perked up again.
“Nothin’ at all? That’s sad, Miss Joo-well. Oh, you do?” He turned around and saw me. “Daddy, Miss Joo-well says she misses us lots and lots.”
I sighed. “She knows where to find us, son.”
“He says you know where to find us. Are you lost again? My daddy can tell you how to get here if you’re lost again.” Ah, the innocence of childhood. There was more than one way to get lost once you got older.
“Well, okay, if you say so. When will I see you again?” His little face frowned. “I don’t ’stand it, but okay.” He listened intently for a moment. “Love you, too, Miss Jewel. No, I won’t forget.” He held the phone out to me. “Miss Joo-well wants to talk to ya, Daddy.”
“You sure?” I stared at the phone in my child’s hand as if it would bite if I touched it.
“Yeah, Daddy, come on!”
I reached forward and grabbed the phone. “Hello?” Chase hopped down and started playing with his toy cars on the floor.
“Hello, Roman.” How could she sound the same when everything had changed?
“How ya doing, Miss Jewel?”
“I’m making it, player.” Small talk when there was so much to be said.
“Good to hear.”
“Listen, I just wanted to say that I hope it’s okay for me to keep in touch with your family; they’ve come to mean a lot to me. I really love them.”
“Just my family, Miss Jewel?”
“You know better than that.”
“Do I know that?”
“If you don’t know I love you, then we don’t have a thing to say to each other.”
“Just had to hear it.”
“Well, I love you.”
“And I love you, Jewellen Rose.”
She sighed. I sighed. Love don’t conquer all, not in the real world.
“Anyway,” I said, “it’s fine with me if you want to keep in touch with the Montgomerys. No problem at all.” Except that it was a punch to the gut every time I heard
her name.
“Okay, I guess that’s it.” She sounded expectant, but for the life of me, I didn’t know what she expected me to say.
“I guess so.” I rubbed the bridge of my nose. Man, this was tough.
“All right, well, you doing okay?”
“ ’Bout as well as can be expected. You know how it is.”
“And the office?”
She knew how I hated chitchat. If she had something else to say, I wished she’d come on with it. “Business is good. Yours?”
“Good. You still playing at the center?”
“Yeah, season just started. Greg came with me last week.”
“Oh, how’s he?”
“Really good. Better than ever, actually.”
“That’s good. Renee’s doing fine.”
“Yeah, I know. Beau brought her to Sunday dinner last week.” Much to my dismay. The one good thing about not seeing Miss Jewel was that I didn’t have to see the fly girl either. Wouldn’t you know I saw more of her now than ever before? “She says Stace and Trick are back together.”
“More power to them, I say,” Miss Jewel said.
“Yeah.” This was never really about Patrick but was about whether, through all the nonsense, we were a fit.
“Well ...” She paused.
“Well ... ,” I prompted.
“I’d better go and let you get back to LaChayse.”
I was disappointed. Was this it? All it was going to be? “I guess so.” It really wasn’t that I was being stubborn. A little stubborn, okay. But I truly felt that if Jewellen couldn’t understand what I was about, there was no need to prolong a relationship. Much as I thought we could have something special, I needed to be accepted for who and what I was.
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