by K. A. Linde
Not from the kiss. The kiss was fine. But it was something else…
Guilt.
She had let Eric kiss her earlier. She had wanted that kiss. She had craved it. And now, she was here, kissing Cam, and it felt…wrong. Like she shouldn’t be doing it. She and Cam weren’t even official. They weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. She should have no reason to feel guilty about what had happened. But she couldn’t help it.
She backed away into the door and fumbled for her keys. “I think I’m going to go to sleep,” she said into her purse. “I’m pretty exhausted.”
“Right,” he said. He looked down at the ground and then up at her uncomfortably. “Are you sure? I could come in and keep you company.”
“A different night. I’m just so tired.” She yawned for dramatic effect.
“Okay, Bri,” he said the name ironically. It didn’t fit right on his tongue. “Night.”
With that, he turned and walked away.
Then, there was this other weird emotion. Pain shot through her chest, and her stomach flipped uncomfortably. She felt her mouth go dry, and her head pounded. She bit her lip and thought about walking after him, but she didn’t.
Regret.
Goddamn it.
She turned the key into the lock and pushed her way into the apartment. But she couldn’t stop thinking about what had happened tonight. She couldn’t go to sleep like this. Not now. She changed into some more comfortable clothes and then went out to her car.
She didn’t know what she was going to say when she showed up, but she knew she needed to say something. She couldn’t leave it like that. There was so much unsaid. She sighed and drove across town.
She parked in front of his house. His car was in the driveway, and a light was on inside, so she knew he was home. She knocked twice, and when no one answered, she let herself in.
“Hello?”
The TV was on downstairs, but she didn’t see him. She heard the toilet flush in the bathroom, and then Eric walked out.
When he saw her, he stopped in his tracks. He was shirtless in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts. His hair was tousled, and he looked like he might have been sick, but he wasn’t drunk anymore. He’d sobered up.
“Bri?”
“Hey,” she said. She dropped her bag next to the couch and sat down. She tucked her feet up to her chest and leaned her head on her knees. “Do you think we could just sit for a minute?”
“Uh…yeah.” He walked over and plopped down on the other side of the couch. He rested back naturally. His eyes were on her, still disbelieving that she was in his house.
“I’m glad you made it home safely,” she murmured, looking at the floor.
“Gates talked me down. That was your doing?”
“Yeah.”
She sighed and met his gaze. Their eyes locked, and a million emotions crackled between them.
“Why are you here, Bri?”
She shrugged. “I wanted to check on you.”
“And?”
“I feel something,” she murmured. “Guilty.”
“You feel guilty?” he asked curiously.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m dating Cam.”
Eric’s face screwed up with disgust, and he looked away. “I don’t understand you. You’re dating, doing all of these normal things, living this new life, and you don’t want me in it.”
“I can’t seem to help having you in it. A year ago, you hated me, and now, I can’t seem to stop kissing you.”
“I didn’t hate you. I didn’t understand you. Similar to how I feel about what you’re doing now,” he said. “But about this kissing thing…”
“We can’t do it anymore.”
He shook his head and stood in a fury. “Just tell me what the fuck is wrong. Is it Audrey? Is it that you thought I lied to you? Are you scared? I was here for you all along. I deserve to know the real reason you keep pushing me away.”
She shook her head. “Please, don’t make me do this right now.”
“Then, when?” he yelled. “I got drunk and came to Posse to try to get your attention. You sic your ex-boyfriend on me and tell me to go home. What more can I do to show you that I care? Tell me how to fix this.” He reached down and hauled her up by her shoulders. “Tell me.”
“Nothing! There is nothing you can do to fix this. I just want the guilt gone, Eric.”
She couldn’t even meet his eyes. She didn’t know how to let him in. Before, it had been so easy, completely nonthreatening. And now, every time she let him in, she felt like she was breaking in half. Even worse, she wanted to break in half.
“I said I wouldn’t be one of those guys who fell at your feet. You’re just a girl, Bri. A beautiful, smart, funny, amazing girl but just a girl.” He stepped back. His eyes were dark and stormy. “I can’t keep this up. I can’t keep waiting for you to see what’s in front of your face. I know you too well, and I know that you’re lying to me and to yourself. You drove across town in the middle of the night after your new boyfriend dropped you off to come check on me? It’s not adding up.”
“I drove across town to check on my friend. He left, drunk off his ass, and I wanted to make sure he was home alive.”
Eric growled deep in his throat. “Don’t feed me bullshit, Bri. I’m not like everyone else, and you know it. I could see through your bullshit long before we were even friends. Don’t think you’re fooling me now.”
“I’m not trying to.”
“Yes, you are. You’re trying to fool everyone. You think this new you is somehow better. But I saw this side of you while you were still the head bitch of LV State. You don’t have to act with me.”
“I’m not acting!” she cried.
“You know what? Just get out. Go home. Go back to your guilt about kissing me even though I’d put money on the fact that it’s guilt over kissing him.” He walked to the door and threw it open. “Get out, and don’t come back until you can be honest with me. I promise not to see you again or try to convince you otherwise. Just get the fuck out of my house.”
Bryna gaped at him, but he didn’t look like he was going to budge.
“Fine,” she spat angrily.
And with nothing else that she could do, she walked out the door. He slammed it shut behind her, and she jumped at the force of it.
Eric was gone.
BRYNA WALKED THROUGH THE NEXT FEW DAYS in a hazy blur with a self-destructive streak she hadn’t encountered since she last saw Jude. She didn’t want to think about that night with Eric, yet she couldn’t stop thinking about it. It had spun completely out of control. She felt out of control, soaring through a vortex without hope of escape.
And it would only get worse when she saw Eric. Every day, he’d walk past her like nothing had happened. She understood his anger. She would have understood him ignoring her or giving her the cold shoulder. But he didn’t do that.
He was perfectly nice. Almost too nice. He didn’t tease her or flirt with her or try to convince her of anything. He acted as if nothing had ever existed between them. Nothing at all.
It was unbearable. She hadn’t known it would be.
Part of her dreaded those fake few seconds of his time, but then her heart would still skyrocket when he walked in the room.
Even worse…she was doing this to herself.
She could change it. All she had to do was swallow her pride and say something to Eric. But she didn’t know how. She wanted to make it better, to go back to the way they were, but she knew he wouldn’t be satisfied with that. They had crossed a line somewhere along the way, and then she had run headlong in the other direction. Fear paralyzed her.
“You’re drooling,” Stacia whispered.
“Am not.”
“Eric does look good today, B. But shouldn’t you be drooling over your boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend.”
“I was talking about Cam,” she joked.
“I know.” She tore her eyes from Eric. “Stacia, c
an I ask you a question? I know how Trihn would answer, and that’s why I haven’t asked her.”
“Shoot.”
“What would you do if you realized that you made a terrible, terrible mistake and didn’t know how to fix it?” Bryna bit her lip, and her eyes drifted back to Eric.
“What would I do if I had slept with Eric and then pushed him away, all while dating someone else?” Stacia mused.
Bryna rolled her eyes. “We didn’t sleep together while I was dating Cam. We kissed once or twice…or three times.”
“Hmm…Trihn would tell you to march over there right now and confess your mistake.”
“I know.”
“I think you should probably fix your other… problems first.” Stacia placed her hands on her hips “I can’t tell you what to do, B. You kind of do whatever you want anyway, but I can say that Eric was a really good friend to you. Could you imagine your life without him?”
“No,” she admitted.
“Could you imagine it without Cam?”
Bryna was silent. It was answer enough.
“Thanks, S.”
“Anytime.”
Bryna took a deep breath and walked the short distance to where Eric was standing, talking to a new cheerleader, Bethany. She was a doe-eyed freshman and was staring up at Eric with hero worship. She was going to need to cut that out.
“Hey,” she said.
“Bryna,” Eric said.
She bit her lip. She hated this formality between them.
She turned and stared at Bethany until she squeaked and ran away. Her reputation preceded her. She expected Eric to make fun of her for scaring off the freshman, but he didn’t say anything.
“Can I talk to you later tonight?” she asked.
“You’re talking to me right now.”
“I know. I mean…can I come over and talk to you?”
“I’ll be here late,” he said noncommittally.
“What about after practice?” she pushed.
He looked like he was struggling for neutral. “If you must.”
She breathed out a sigh of relief. “I thought you might ignore me.”
“No, I’m not ignoring you.”
“Good. Then, I’ll see you after practice.”
“This better be worth it,” he said before turning and walking away without another word.
At least she had gotten a reaction.
She left and headed straight for Cam’s house. They were supposed to be studying for their huge film midterm, but she had all week she had claimed that she was too exhausted from cheer to come over. Tonight, she had promised she would come over since she had been avoiding everything for over a week, and last weekend was an away game.
Cam seemed surprised to see her when she knocked on the door. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Are you here to study? I wasn’t sure I’d ever see you again outside of class.”
“Yeah. Fall semester is so hard with football.”
“I’m glad you’re here.”
He let her pass, and she hurried inside. She took a seat on the couch and pulled out her homework. She knew that she needed to say something. She needed to work up the nerve to do it. She had never been in this situation before.
When she had broken up with Gates, it had been over the phone and more of a joke to him than anything. He hadn’t taken it seriously. With all the other guys she had dated, things had just fallen apart. This wasn’t like either of those situations. Cam was a nice guy. She couldn’t just let it lapse, but she didn’t want to lead him on. She wasn’t as into this as she wanted to be.
Cam sat down next to her. He looked so happy to see her, and she felt horrible about what she was about to do.
“Cam, I…”
Then, he was kissing her. Not like he had kissed her before. No hesitancy. No subtly. He was kissing her with a ferocity that she would never have guessed he possessed until that moment.
“Whoa!” she said. She pushed him back a bit and wrenched backward. “I, uh…thought we were doing homework.”
Cam groaned. “Come on. You don’t need to study.”
“I need a good grade on this exam.”
“You’re Lawrence Turner’s daughter,” he said condescendingly. “You’re going to get a good grade in film. Even if you don’t, who cares?”
Bryna stiffened. “I care.” How dare he! She hadn’t passed her film classes because of who her father was. She’d passed them because she was smart and worked hard. “My father has nothing to do with this.”
Cam sighed heavily. “You don’t even need a film degree. Considering your connections, you could break into film however you wanted to.”
“I probably could if I had any interest in using my parents’ success to get ahead, but I don’t.” She narrowed her eyes.
“I would. I think it makes sense. Everything in this world is about who you know.” He didn’t even seem to notice her rising temper. “Anyway, the test isn’t even until Friday. You’ll be fine if we have a little fun tonight.”
His lips were on hers again, and she tried to push him back.
“Cam, no.”
“Just shut up. I know you want this.” He used his extra weight to push her backward into the couch.
“I don’t want this!”
His hand slid up her shirt, and her skirt slipped up her thighs. His lips were on her neck, forceful and demanding in a way she had never seen in him before. His body was pressing his weight into her. She couldn’t believe this right now.
This was not Cam.
“What happened to us taking things slow?” she cried.
“Fuck slow, Bryna!” he growled. “We’ve been dating for a month and a half. We haven’t done more than kiss. I’m tired of slow.”
He sat up in a fury, and she hastily scooted backward, away from him.
She yanked her skirt and shirt down. “What happened to ‘whenever you’re ready’ and you didn’t mind?” she spat.
She didn’t care that she had been about to break up with him. This was unacceptable. She wanted answers. Had he been waiting for a time to ignore what I want to try to fuck me? Maybe she wouldn’t have been angry if this was what she had really wanted, but the thought of sleeping with him made her sick.
“That probably went out the window when I found out you were playing games with me!” he yelled. He shoved away from her and crossed the room. His hands were in his hair.
“Games?” she asked in disbelief.
This was honestly the first relationship where she hadn’t been playing games. Games were her norm. Here I am, trying to do right by Cam, and he’s accusing me of playing games? What the fuck?
“Yes! What the hell do you think this is? You’re hot and cold. You bring your ex-boyfriends around while we’re going out and still expect me to believe this good-girl act? Please. I’m not an idiot.”
“You clearly are because none of this is an act. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Gates and I have been long over, and Eric and I never dated. They’re not even relevant to the fact that you tried to force yourself on me.”
“Force myself?” he snapped. “From what I hear, you give it up to anyone who wants it.”
“What?” she cried. “Who the hell told you that?”
“Your own brother! I know the truth now. You were trying out some experiment with me, but you normally like to slut it up. I thought if everyone else was getting some, then I should too.”
Bryna stared, slack-jawed. “You know…I was coming here to break up with you, and I felt bad about it. Thanks for proving that I’ve made the right choice.”
She grabbed her bag off of the ground and stuffed the papers for the class back inside.
“You’re breaking up with me?” Cam cried. “What the fuck?”
She slung her bag over her shoulder and turned to face him. “You wanted the slut that my stepbrother totally made up to fuck with you, then you’ll get the real Bryna. I’m Queen Bee. A downright class-A bitc
h. I was never ashamed of it. So, I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you any longer.” She walked up to him and dangerously narrowed her eyes. “You were a total mistake. I see that now. You’re just a jackass disguised as a nice guy.”
BRYNA HAD BEEN STARING at the world upside down and under water, and she had just broken the surface.
Her head felt clear.
Her eyes were wide open.
Walking out of Cam’s place was like having a weight lifted off her shoulders. She couldn’t believe that Pace had gotten to him and sabotaged her all over again.
Oh, wait. Yes, she could. The motherfucker! At least, this time, she had wanted an out. Who could have known that Pace’s meddling would give it to me?
She hadn’t expected this to be the outcome. She had thought Cam was a good guy. She wasn’t used to dealing with this breed of asshole. She wasn’t sure if he had been biding his time to hook up with her or if Pace had manipulated him so thoroughly. Maybe it wasn’t even his fault.
Ugh!
Either way, it didn’t really matter. Pace hadn’t made Cam try to force himself on her. No one had made him ignore her when she told him to stop. She clearly hadn’t been into it. Then, things had gone from bad to worse.
She had thought that she could reinvent herself, but apparently, that was impossible. She never thought her reputation for being a slut and playing games would hit her so squarely in the face, especially considering she had been doing the exact opposite of both.
She wanted to go confront Pace about what had happened, but she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. That was what he wanted.
What she really needed to do was leave here and go see Eric. Of course he wouldn’t be finished with practice for another hour at the earliest, but it didn’t matter. She would wait.
He had waited for her after all, even when she had been a gold-digging bitch and when she had pulled a one-eighty and tried to be a good girl. But she didn’t have to dig or be this good girl when she was with him. She just had to be herself. And that was a person she had been too afraid to be.
On her way back to the apartment, she texted Eric.
Let me know when you’re home.