by Patty Blount
Max shook his head. “Tells you what?”
“Follow me, please.” The guard indicated a door, and we followed him through it, down a long corridor to a room with a bunch of tables arranged in a grid.
My mother sat at one of those tables, wearing an orange uniform. Her hair was pulled into a ponytail, and she wore no makeup. She smiled when she saw me, lines around her eyes and mouth I didn’t remember seeing before. “Mandy. Oh my God, look how gorgeous you are. You are so grown up.”
“Yeah, well, that’s what kids do.”
Her smile dimmed, but she waved a hand at the chair opposite hers. “Sit, sit. Tell me what’s new.”
What’s new? Seriously? Okay, fine. I sat down. “I’m in a new foster home. I’m captain of the junior squad at the Lakeshore Volunteer Fire Department. I kissed a boy and then told him to go away. Oh, and I might be concealing an arsonist—still working on that.” I waited a beat. “So that’s pretty much it. Bye.”
A hand suddenly gripped my arm. “Mandy, wait.” The guard didn’t like that. He walked over and gave Mom the side eye, and she let go. “Oh, honey. I’m so sorry.”
Pain ripped through me when her words sucked out my soul, and I squeezed my eyes shut. Sorry? Sorry didn’t even come close to scratching the surface.
“Amanda, look at me.”
I lifted my eyes and glared straight through her.
“Honey, I know you hate me, and I’m sorry. I made some mistakes—”
A laugh bubbled out of me all on its own. It wasn’t funny, and trust me, I wasn’t the least bit amused. But that was the biggest understatement in history. “Mistakes,” I echoed. “I remember the first time Dmitri came over to our place. He was pissed off that I was there. You didn’t tell me you had a kid, he said. Remember that?”
She didn’t answer. Because she remembered it too.
“And you just smiled brightly and shrugged and assured him that your little Mandy was an angel. You made dinner, and all during the meal, Dmitri pretended I wasn’t there. He never said a single word to me. As soon as dinner was over, he asked you what time my bedtime was, and next thing I knew, I was tucked into my bed while it was still light outside. That was the first time you put him before me.”
“No.” Her mouth went tight, making more lines show up. “No, baby. I was trying to protect you. Things were still new, and I didn’t want you to get attached—”
“Oh please. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m too old for fairy tales. You know, I heard you fucking him that night. God, you were so desperate.”
Her eyes—my eyes—watered, but she soldiered on, changing the subject. “Tell me about the boy you kissed. Why did you send him away?”
“Because the Becketts have a strict no-boys rule. If I break their rules, I go back into the system, and I don’t want that to happen, because I really love living there.”
Mom jerked like I’d just stabbed her in the heart. Some tiny part of me pumped a fist and cheered.
“Do you like him?” she asked quietly.
Did I? I picked at a nick in the table and thought about that for a moment. “I do, but it’s more than just like. I might, maybe, love him.”
“You’re not sure?”
I blinked at the stupidity of that question. “How could I be sure? It’s not like I was ever exposed to love.”
“I never stopped loving you, baby. Ever.”
“Yeah, right,” I said with a sneer. “You dumped me with babysitters. You left me sitting in cars for hours on end while you dug yourself in deeper with Dmitri, and then you left me.” My voice rose with every word until I was shouting by the end of the sentence. The guard watched but didn’t intervene. Mrs. DeSantis and Max stood by the door. Max caught my eye and flashed a thumbs-up.
“I loved him, Amanda. Was I supposed to be alone for the rest of my life just because I had you?”
“No, Mom, but you were supposed to love me too. And you didn’t.”
She pressed her hands to her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut. “I know I made mistakes. I let him con me, baby. But I love you! You’re my baby girl, and I want us to be a family again. I’m getting out soon, and when I do, I want us to go somewhere. Anywhere. We’ll start over. Just you and me. No boys.”
My face went hot. More rules? When was anyone going to ask what I wanted? Was I not allowed to want things just because I was sixteen, just because I was a foster child? This was bullshit. I stood up, my chair scraping the floor. “I don’t want that.” I turned and took a step.
“Amanda!”
“Do me a favor. Don’t insist on any more visits. And don’t call me when you get out.”
Mom’s lip trembled. “Mandy, baby, please. I love you.”
“Mom, if you love me even a tiny bit, you’ll leave me alone and let me live my own life.”
I walked to the door and waited for the guard to let us out, absolutely determined not to let the sound of my mother’s sobs make me crack.
I had to be strong. I had to be brave. I would not end up like her. I damn well would never allow my own life to get fucked up because of some guy.
No matter how much I loved him.
***
Back in Mrs. DeSantis’s car, I sat in the backseat, my head on Max’s shoulder. He may treat girls like crap, but I wasn’t a girl. I was Man, and he was my squad brother.
Mrs. DeSantis was quiet on the long drive home. We hit a ton of traffic, and the rumbling in our bellies finally convinced Mrs. D to pull off at one of the rest stop fast-food chains along the route. I didn’t think I could eat, but strangely, I felt good after telling my mom off.
“Girl, you were fierce,” Max said again as we slid into a booth.
“Yeah, well, I had a reputation for bravery to uphold,” I said and popped a french fry into my mouth. Mrs. DeSantis sat at her own booth, across from us, tapping away on a tablet. Probably submitting case notes on my breakdown.
Max angled a look at Mrs. DeSantis and quietly asked, “So you think you’re in love with Logan?”
I lifted a shoulder. “Yeah. Maybe. I have no idea.”
He pulled in a deep breath. “Man, for what it’s worth, that boy is batshit crazy for you.”
A soft warmth spread over my body, and I squirmed. “Oh, he is not.”
“Hand to God,” Max said and held up his right hand. “He watches you. And it’s not weird, not like he’s stalking you. It’s because he can’t help himself. You’re like his sun.”
“His sun,” I repeated, liking the sound of that way too much. I sat with a burger in front of my lips for a full minute and finally thought of something to say. “He was gonna leave. And now he says he’s staying. For me. So…whatever.”
Max’s eyes snapped to mine. “Leave? What the hell are you talking about?”
I waved a hand. “Squad was just a way to keep some promise he made to Matt to get John’s respect. He got it. John gave him a big old pat on the back.”
“So we just wasted our time training him. That is seriously fucked up.” Max shoved back on his side of the booth, frowning at his food.
“No, not really. Like I said, now he plans to stay. I think Logan really likes firefighting and J squad.”
Max shook his head. “He lied to us. All this time, he lied.”
“No, he didn’t lie. He changed his mind.” And then I remembered the note he’d given me. “Look. He even gave me his good-bye note. Said he doesn’t need it anymore.”
Max took the crumpled paper and smoothed it out on the table beside his meal. As he read, his eyebrows crept closer and closer until he finally looked up at me, horrified.
“Holy hell, Man, do you know what this is?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “This is a suicide note.”
I choked on the soda I’d just sipped. “What? What are you talking about?”
Max r
otated the paper and pointed to a line about halfway down the page. “I’ll be at his altar. You don’t recognize that?” When I shook my head, Max grabbed his iPhone, tapped the screen, and then shoved the phone at me. “Here.”
On his phone, he’d pulled up Google. I read the screen, and my mouth completely dried up. Oh crap. Oh shit, this was bad. Reece copied lines from Kurt Cobain’s suicide note. I wasn’t a Nirvana fan, barely even knew who Kurt Cobain was. The only thing I did know is that he killed himself. I never would have connected this but—shit! Gage had. And didn’t bother to spell it out for me.
Jesus Christ, what should we do? “What do I do, Max?” I pressed a hand to my chest, where my heart kicked like a stubborn mule every time I thought of Reece dead. “He gave me the note because he said he didn’t need it anymore. He said I’m the only one who knows about it.” What if that wasn’t true? What if Reece was actually planning…Oh God!
No.
No, I just could not let that happen.
“What about that kid Alex?”
I thought about that for a minute. Alex and Reece were best friends. They were in the chess club. They ate lunch together all the time. Well…they used to.
“If you’re right and he really is serious about J squad, that means Logan’s one of us, Man. A brother. And we have to protect him.”
Max held out his hand, and I clasped it—a promise made.
Chapter 27
Reece
You want to know why I’m writing you this? Because Matt made me promise—he made me fucking vow not to let you break me down.
I had to serve my detention. And after detention, I still had to study with Bear. At least I was spared the running of the bleachers. Max was with Amanda, and Gage was MIA. Alex found some studying to do while Bear schooled me on fire suppression techniques. After that, I spent forty minutes quizzing him for the biology final. He was jazzed about the way I taught him to remember the cranial nerves—sung to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” It always helped Matt. By the time we were done for the day, it was after six.
We put away the books, and I grabbed Alex on the way out. I didn’t have the car today, so we started walking—Bear, Alex, and me.
“Alex, you getting sick or something? You’re really sweaty.” He also looked pale and kind of anxious while he played with his phone.
“I’m fine.”
I looked at him carefully. He was fine before I found Bear, but he sure wasn’t fine now. I hoped he wasn’t pissed off at me again. Bear and I talked about the fire as we walked, and Alex continued his sweaty, anxious silence. By the time we reached the firehouse, I thought I might explode. We headed upstairs to the second level and found Steve Conner’s office empty.
“He’s here. Look.” Bear pointed to a cup of coffee that steamed beside the computer.
I frowned. This was so damn hard; waiting wasn’t making it any easier.
Raised voices got our attention. “Oh, come on! This is bullshit,” my dad shouted.
I exchanged glances with Bear and Alex.
The chief spoke. “Lieutenant, this is serious.”
“Oh please. It’s typical Reece behavior we’ve been dealing with since he was born. Just ignore it.”
What behavior? They were talking about me? I left Steve Conner’s office with my face burning, only to find the chief and my dad talking to Amanda and Max. “Excuse me,” I interrupted. “What behavior are you all discussing?” And why the hell wasn’t I part of that discussion?
Chief Duffy turned, his face a study in concern. Amanda gasped and looked about ready to burst into tears. Dad looked pissed off—nothing unusual there.
“Cadet, why don’t we take this into my office?”
Dad flung up his hands. “Brian, believe me, this is just a cry for attention.”
“My office. Now.” Chief Duffy pointed one of those thick fingers toward the open door, and like trained pets, we all marched. The chief circled his desk and sat down in the leather chair. Dad took the same guest chair I’d used on my first day. The rest of us remained standing.
Everyone looked at me. I squirmed, uncomfortable being the specimen under the microscope.
“Son, why were you in Steve Conner’s office?”
I straightened my shoulders and tried not to fidget. “Waiting for him, sir. I wanted to talk to him about Saturday’s fire and my suspicions.”
“Excuse me?” Dad glared at me. “I told you to report to Steve Conner the day of the fire. Are you telling me you haven’t done that yet?”
Oh fuck. I looked at Amanda, but she shook her head, silently pleading with me to stay quiet.
I must be the world’s biggest ass. I was the hero for about a day. For one full day, I was the son my dad never acknowledged. I’d made him proud. And then I made a choice for a girl who couldn’t—or maybe wouldn’t—be with me.
And I was about to do it again. “Um, no, Lieutenant.”
“No! What the hell do you mean no? Jesus Christ, Reece! This isn’t some alternate reality game you and Alex play. This is real life. You have evidence that could indicate arson, and you didn’t report it? If it were up to me, I’d kick you off this squad right now.”
A big fist crashed to a desk. “Lieutenant, it’s not up to you.” Chief Duffy took back control. He shuffled papers on his desk and picked up a creased piece of white paper that had been folded and unfolded a few too many times and now looked—
Looked like the note in my pocket. I shoved my hand into my pocket, but it was empty. Blood pounded in my ears, and spots danced in my eyes. God. Oh Jesus, I was gonna be sick. I was gonna hurl all over the chief’s desk. Chief Duffy must have caught on.
“Okay, everybody out. I want a moment alone with my cadet.”
I’d given Amanda my note. I told her I didn’t need it anymore, not since I’d met her.
And now it was on the chief’s desk.
“He’s my son!”
Oh my God! Really? I shut my eyes and shrugged. “Let them stay. Let them all stay.” Like it even mattered now.
“Jamison brought this to my attention.”
I sent her a glare I hoped sliced all the way through her stone-cold heart. She flinched but quickly masked it with a shift of her weight.
“Given the, ah, you know, distance between you and your father”—Chief Duffy rolled his hand in the air and slid a look toward Dad, who didn’t so much as wince—“she brought it to me because she’s concerned it might be a, um, well, a suicide note.”
The word hung in the air, suspended in time. I just sat there, trying to figure out why I couldn’t feel my extremities. There was nothing, nothing but numbness and some random thoughts circling my brain. I never should have let her read it, never should have listened to her, trusted her. She was the only one I’d—even Alex didn’t know. Oh God. Oh my God, that was why he looked so ill. She’d texted him. It must have been his idea to tell the chief. Or Dad. Or both.
I swallowed hard, and a bitterness in the back of my throat penetrated all the numbness. Was it the taste of disappointment? Betrayal? The answer came to me, and I almost laughed out loud at the irony. This was what it tasted like to lose hope.
The minute I named it, the pain began—a full-out attack on every receptor in my body. I knew if I looked, I’d find a gaping wound, because now, it burned. Oh Jesus, it burned. I had to leave, had to run, had to be far, far from here before I lost it. Damn it, Matt. Goddamn it, why did you leave me? The pulsing, pounding, roaring in my ears demanded action, but there wasn’t one. There was nothing I could do to escape—except for one thing.
Deny.
“I’m sorry,” I began, absolutely dumbfounded my voice worked. “I’m so sorry Amanda felt it necessary to worry you for no reason.”
My dad flipped his palm up in a what-did-I-tell-you gesture. Chief Duffy’s eyes narrowed.
<
br /> “Son, are you telling me this is not a suicide note?”
I pressed one hand over my heart. “Chief, I promise, it’s not a suicide note. But it is a good-bye note.”
Dad’s eyes snapped up and then away.
“What you called distance between my dad and me goes a lot deeper than that, and honestly, I’m sick of it. I am who I am, and that pisses him off for a whole bunch of dumbass reasons he’s just gonna have to deal with by himself, because I quit.”
“You quit? What does that mean?” Chief Duffy leaned forward, my note still grasped in his hand.
“It means I’m leaving. I don’t want anything from him. I don’t want to see him. I don’t even want his name.”
Dad made a whoosh sound like he’d been sucker punched that pinched my heart, but I didn’t—couldn’t—stop.
“I want to start over, find people who appreciate me and love me. I thought—” Abruptly I clamped my lips together with another glare toward Amanda. It didn’t matter what I thought. It was pretty damn obvious I was wrong on every level.
The chief narrowed his eyes. “And what about your mom?”
I flinched. “My mother”—I tried to find the right words—“loves us both. I’m taking her out of the middle.” My dad couldn’t look at me.
“Reece, we’re worried about you. Nobody here wants you to leave.”
“No, sir, you’re right. They usually wish I wasn’t here in the first place.”
Chief Duffy frowned and leaned back in his chair. “I don’t understand. Why did you volunteer if you’d already decided to leave?”
“It was my brother’s idea, sir. His dying wish.”
Dad’s chair hit Chief Duffy’s desk as he jumped to his feet. Amanda and the chief both leaped up too, but it wasn’t in time. Dad grabbed a fistful of my T-shirt, cocked back his arm, and ground out between clenched teeth, “He shouldn’t be dead! Goddamn it, you—”
I never thought it. I never gave my hand the command to hit.
Suddenly, my dad was sprawled on the floor, a fountain of blood dripping from his nose. I glanced down at my hand, surprised to find it still there—and throbbing.