by Lauren Price
I don’t think I can do this.
“Do you remember when I said Toby was my childhood sweetheart? My best friend?”
Alec nods.
No. I can’t do this. I can’t tell him this part. I can’t tell anyone this part.
“Well he wasn’t just . . . mine. Toby, Kaitlin, Violet and I were all best friends with each other. Toby had been friends with me and Violet for years, and so he used to come with us to see Kaitlin in the summer, or when she came to our house. We were a little gang. Kaitlin and I both had a crush on him . . .” I try to force myself to say the next part but every part of my brain is fighting it.
A darkness in my chest seems to suck the words back down my throat. So I decide to omit the part of my past I am most ashamed of. The thing that tears me apart inside every day. I don’t tell him about how Toby and I really came together. I tell him all he needs to know. Not even Violet knows that part.
“In the end, he liked me,” I hurry out. “It was Toby and I, and her and Violet.”
One look at Alec’s balled-up fists, and I know he’s thinking of Toby and what he did to me. I grab one of his hands in my shaking one, squeezing on his wrist for comfort. I need to tell someone. I needed to let this much out.
“A few months before her fourteenth birthday, we all went to a party. Toby and I, well we were fifteen years old and this was one of our first experiences with alcohol. We got tipsy, and Kaitlin decided to leave early . . .” I swallow down my sins, choking back the demon growing in my stomach. I feel nauseous with guilt. I hear myself say the next words rather than feel them. I feel detachment from myself, like I’m looking down and watching the girl who’s been through so much, done so much, admit her past to the boy she likes. Don’t think, Riley. Don’t think too much. My therapist’s voice echoes in my head.
“She got hit by a car outside the party and died instantly.”
Alec’s small intake of breath alerts me back out of my daze, and I’m suddenly aware of the water that’s spilled from my eyes.
“Hey,” he murmurs, wrapping his arms round me to enclose me into a firm hug. Telling him has made it more painful, and I let out a strangled sob as I bury myself in his arms. However, I also feel relief. Relief that I’ve shared my story. That he understands me. He smells like vanilla and cologne, and it’s all the comfort I need.
“That’s why I wasn’t in school today,” I choke. “We visited the place we scattered her ashes this morning. I saw my uncle for the first time in eleven months and he was a mess, Alec, he was broken. She’s been gone a year, Alec. A whole year.”
And it’s all my fault.
“I know,” Alec mumbles, stroking my hair, “I know it hurts. But it will get better. I promise you, it will get easier.” His words are like magic to my ears, or maybe I’ve just cried myself out today, but I can feel my sobs slowing to splutters. “How’s your mom coping?”
“She’s just holding on I guess,” I breathe. “We’re all holding on by our fingernails. Kaitlin was like another daughter to her, and having to lose contact with her brother too . . .”
Alec shoots me a questioning look. I take a breath. I want to get every detail out that I can manage to. Everything but that.
“My uncle . . . he suffered severe depression for months after Kaitlin died . . . We thought he might commit suicide, but instead he just disappeared into thin air. Lost contact, aside from the occasional message.” I try to slow my breathing, “My mom didn’t take it well either, but she coped. She held on, and so did I.”
“And Jack?”
It somehow flatters me that he’s asking these questions. He wants to know. He cares. My breathing is normal again, and I wipe away the evidence of my breakdown from my cheeks. “Jack has cried too. He doesn’t want me to know that, though.” I sniff slightly and try to fight away the sinking feeling in my chest. The feeling I get before I get swallowed with anxiety, or wracked with guilt. I’m okay. I’m going to be okay. Alec is here and he cares.
“You can guess the rest.” I sit up and turn to face the wall. I daren’t look Alec in the eye, I’m so humiliated. “Dad had already left just after Jack was born, but he was notified. He came to the funeral and said his goodbyes to his niece.” I grit my teeth as the image enters my head. I hurt so many people with my actions.
“As for Toby . . . he took it hard as well. I think he wished he’d chosen her . . . I guess the guilt and hurt got too much. He cheated on me, and when his mom was offered a new job in Chicago six months ago, he didn’t tell me he was leaving. He managed to escape everything.” I chuckle bitterly. “Now he’s back, and after a year of me, Mom, Violet and Jack trying to avoid the topic because it hurts so much, he’s brought all those memories back. He wants another chance,” I mutter.
He did choose her. You ruined that for Kaitlin. You ruined that for Toby. You ruin everything.
“Who was the girl?” Alec questions softly.
“Tiana.” I glance back at him. The shock in his face is evident. He would never have expected that. Most people don’t understand the dynamics of mine and Tiana’s relationship . . . other than what they take at face value: she’s a generic mean girl and I’m a generic dweeb.
“I . . . I don’t know what to say,” Alec says quietly. “Thank you for telling me everything. I’m so sorry about Kaitlin, Riley, I really am. You’ve been through so much crap, and I can’t even begin to make up for that.”
“Thank you for listening,” I reply quietly, chuckling another hollowed laugh. I don’t regret telling him, but I feel oddly vulnerable. How is it that I’ve known this boy only a month or so, and already I’m telling him things about myself that I struggle telling anyone? Am I so needy, so weak, that a boy can break down my barriers so easily? “Sorry for getting tears on your shirt. It’s a good job I’m not wearing make-up, isn’t it?” My dull attempt at humour sucks, but Alec feigns a laugh anyway.
It was good that I got part of it off my chest, but at the same time so much worse. There’s so much I can’t tell him, and omitting it from everything has made the guilt fester in my brain. It reminds me that what I did, I can’t tell anyone about. It reminds me that I’m the worst person I know. Having someone to tell should make me feel loved. But this? This only reminds me of how unloved I will be if I ever tell him the truth. I don’t think I can ever share that part of me with him, as much as I’ve come to care for him.
There’s something inside Alec Wilde . . . a warmth, below the shell of cocky bad boy, that’s slowly coming out. Alec’s changing as I get to know him better, and slowly I’m getting to see more and more of the sweetheart coming out, not the bad boy. I want him to see the best in me too. I don’t want to show him what I did.
“What do we feel like doing?” Alec asks, as though it’s assumed that he’s staying with me until I feel better. “Do we feel like watching a movie and trying to keep our minds off things? We could go to my railway-bridge spot and talk some more? Or you could kick me out and say you need time alone.” He elbows me in the ribs lightly. Believe it or not, it is enough to make me crack a minute smile.
“Movie sounds good,” I say. “Let’s have a movie night. With lots of gore and violence and blood.”
Alec blinks. “You worry me sometimes.”
I smile weakly. I miss Kaitlin with all my heart, but if she were here right now, she would be screaming at me to let the cute boy comfort me, to let someone in.
“I know,” I say.
16
Beanie Boy
“What have you got first?” I ask Alec conversationally as we walk into school together, clutching my folder to my chest. My hair is thrown up into a braided bun, and a few loose strands tickle my ear. Since when have I made an effort? Since my mom decided she wanted to make me look pretty for Alec. She has turned into a hardcore supporter of our “relationship” since I told her what happened on the anniversary of Kaitlin’s death. It’s been about a week now, and I came back into school a couple of days ago. Nobody’s asked me
why I was gone, which I will forever be grateful for. Things are looking up again.
“I have Media,” Alec replies smoothly, adjusting his backpack.
A beanie rests on his curls, and honestly? This boy is like the freaking surface of the sun hot wearing that thing. It’s making it very hard to concentrate. I love guys in beanies, but I don’t think anyone could pull one off like Alec does. Since Kaitlin’s death date . . . my feelings for Alec have grown a hell of a lot stronger. So much so that I’m beginning to get very worried. If I were to ever tell him the whole truth, there’d be no chance he could ever feel the same. There are some things in the world that can deem you unlovable. In my eyes, what I did to Kaitlin is one of those things.
I nod, humming a little under my breath as we join the crowd entering the front doors. I got a ride in with Alec today, but I had the common sense not to question him while I was sitting on the back of his bike this time. If he doesn’t mind obliterating his reputation for me, then I’m going to take full advantage of that fact. I breathe a sigh of relief as we escape the crowd, and automatically we begin heading to my locker.
Clearly I spend too much time with this guy – he knows my daily schedule better than I do.
As we enter the corridor, Alec suddenly comes to a halt beside me and grabs my forearm in a deathly tight grip. It takes me a few seconds to realise why. Standing by my locker is Toby Charlton, his radiant blonde hair shining above all others in the corridor. I frown. Joe is standing nearby, suspiciously eyeing the figure by my locker.
“C’mon, Riley. Let’s sort this once and for all – he can’t keep trying to intimidate you,” Alec growls under his breath, tugging me forward towards my locker.
I don’t want a confrontation, it’s too risky, but Alec is seething so it’s pretty obvious I’m going to get one.
“Excuse me,” I say politely, dodging between the two boys to reach my locker. I’m acting calmly as I get my books for the day, but in all honesty my hands are shaking. I wish Violet were here – she’d have all three guys put in their place and out of my way within the minute.
“Alec Wilde,” Toby says. “Nice to meet the subject of all the rumours.”
What is he doing? Does he have a death wish? Anybody who knows anything about Alec knows that they shouldn’t taunt him when he’s angry, which he so obviously is.
“Toby Charlton,” Alec replies, voice laced with venom. “I’d say it was nice to meet you too, but that would be a lie. So, just moved here from Chicago, huh? Was the Windy City the escape you needed?”
Toby’s eyes snap to mine, and I stare defiantly back at him. A flicker of anger crosses his features. He has no right to be angry, though. It was my choice to tell Alec what happened. Toby doesn’t deserve a say in what I get to tell my friends about Kaitlin.
“Riley,” Toby mutters in a low voice, “please can I talk to you for a second? Alone?” He sounds angry, but I’m not going to react to it. I don’t care what he thinks.
“Sorry, but I’m not interested, Toby,” I say through gritted teeth. “Get away from me.”
“Riley, please. I’m trying, okay? I can’t believe you told him!”
He grabs my arm harshly and yanks me towards him, making me stumble. What the hell does he think he’s doing? Before I’ve even had time to blink, Alec rips Toby’s hand back from my skin, and the two boys step forward to glare each other in the eye. Their shoulders move in sync as they square up to each other.
“She said to get away from her,” Alec hisses. His eyes are stormy and deep now, the angriest I’ve ever seen, and the muscles prominent in his arms are as taut as live wires. Toby is holding a similar position. One wrong move, and the whole minefield blows up.
“Guys, take a chill pill, okay?” Joe grimaces, attempting to separate the pair. But even his strength makes no difference to the two jerkwads facing each other off right now. Until now, Joe has just been watching the scene, confused, but the testosterone and violence thick in the air must have brought him to his senses. I step up behind Joe, leaning over to pat Alec’s arm. His gaze flickers to mine, but he ignores my pleading expression, focusing back on Toby again. Jerk.
“You know nothing about me,” Toby spits at Alec, placing his hands on Alec’s shoulders and shoving him hard. “You know nothing about her either. Get out of my way.”
Alec is back up in his face in an instant.
“I know a hell of a lot more than you think,” he growls, shoving back. “I know every little thing you’ve done to her. Why are you even trying, man? You don’t deserve her!”
With that, Toby lunges at him, and Alec is pushed back a few feet with the force of his hands. Their arms scramble and they trip as their feet lock, landing on the floor. They don’t stay down even for a second. Toby is on top of Alec swiftly, lifting his fist high before plunging it down onto his chest. Alec punches back; a painful crack on the jaw. Managing to gain stability, he flips to kneel above Toby, yet another hand plummeting into Toby’s face.
A crowd begins to form, chanting “fight” at the top of their lungs. I watch in horror as it escalates. Their eyes are focused, their teeth bared in anger. They look like animals. Toby, grabbing Alec by the neck, shoves him back into the lockers. The sound of metal meeting metal echoes down the corridor. I cringe at the sound, my heartbeat escalating.
This cannot be happening. I don’t know what to do, how to stop it.
Toby is up on his feet and ready in an instant. Lips curled back and nose bleeding, he kicks forward into Alec’s stomach, only to have his foot pulled out from underneath him. Alec pulls Toby harshly off balance, and the boy crashes down onto the floor beside him, landing hard on his arm.
The crowd now begins to look more concerned than entertained, and random cries to break it up emerge. Joe, taking his opportunity, is behind Toby in a second. Pulling his arms behind his back, he jerks the boy up and thrusts him away from Alec. A couple of other boys begin to help restraining him. Alec stands up from the floor, shaking his head as others attempt to grab his arms too. He’s calmer already. I release a breath I didn’t realise I was holding.
“You made the first hit,” Alec sneers. The boys struggle to hold Toby back. The principal’s voice shouts in the distance, and teachers begin to clear the crowd as they emerge into the centre of the mass of bodies. Alec is going to get into so much trouble for this. In a surge of anxiety, I rush over and attack him into a hug. His body is warm, and slowly I feel his arms respond to wrap round my back. My whole body is quivering, and my breathing is off. This all happened because of me. Why is it always me?
“I’m okay,” he says. His nose presses the top of my hairline, and my arms tighten round his back.
“Clear the way!” Mr Boston, the principal, bellows loudly as he emerges. Most of the crowd has disappeared now, terrified by the presence of authority. I watch from Alec’s chest as people disperse left, right and centre to escape his wrath. Toby, Alec and the boys holding Toby back are all that is left. Plus me, of course. Mr Boston’s four chins are ruddy, his face scrunched in anger as he examines the scene. He looks like a bullfrog.
“Get to lessons, all of you!” he barks, grabbing Alec and Toby by the arms. His eyes narrow on me. “You three, come with me. I need to have a talk with all of you.” Once the hallway has cleared and everybody has gone to lessons, Alec, Toby and I follow Mr Boston to his office. Joe looks after me with a concerned expression, and I nod to confirm that I’ll be okay. I’m calming down already. My head is starting to hurt.
Toby looks humiliated, a deep red colour staining his cheeks as he clutches his jaw. He won’t meet my eye, but that’s a good thing. Maybe he’ll finally back off now.
“Take a seat in my office,” Mr Boston orders, as we march through reception. He swings his office door open. “Hurry up!”
I sit down on one of the cracked leather seats in the small room, not wanting to get into even more trouble. Alec and Toby sit either side of me, and Mr Boston strolls behind his desk, looking ea
ch of us in the eye in turn.
“One of you,” he says quietly, “explain exactly what happened.” He sits down.
Alec’s and Toby’s voices instantly begin to clamber over each other in the fight for Mr Boston’s attention. I release a breath and focus on the principal, punching both of the boys lightly in the arms to shut them up. We aren’t going to get anywhere if they do that.
“Toby grabbed my arm because he was frustrated about something,” I explain, and the boys’ voices die. “Alec got angry, and one thing led to another. They started fighting. I believe Toby initiated it.” I glance down at my lap. I tried to swing that at least a little into Alec’s favour, but I’m not sure how much help it’ll be.
“And you weren’t involved at all other than that?” Mr Boston questions.
“She wasn’t,” Alec confirms.
Mr Boston stares disapprovingly between us. “Do you understand that fighting on school grounds is completely unacceptable?”
Begrudgingly, both boys nod.
“Both of you are new again here” – Mr Boston’s eyes narrow as he lowers himself into his chair – “so I will go over the rules once more so that they are crystal clear.” He glances at Alec. “This kind of behaviour is absolutely not tolerated. If you have a problem, you deal with it reasonably in a verbal manner, or you consult the guidance counsellor. You do not brawl like a couple of feral children. Do you understand what I am saying?”
Toby and Alec nod again.
“Right, well.” Mr Boston leans forward in his chair. “There will be consequences to your actions. A month’s detention and school service – you will stay after school for an hour each day to help the maintenance staff with their duties. This is your first and last warning. Do not let this kind of thing happen again. Both of your parents will be notified, and we shall have to see if they want to take any further action, but as far as I’m concerned you’re both as guilty – and as stupid – as each other.” He grumbles under his breath, sitting back and dismissing us with one hand. I notice Toby wince a little at the last line. His parents always have been especially strict.