by Lauren Price
Violet throws her arms up. “All I already know is that for some random reason yesterday, you went back on all you’ve ever said to anyone for the sake of some fool that hurt you! I trust that you must have a good reason, because otherwise you wouldn’t be who I know you are. However, I can’t stand by you while I’m still in the dark. You have to give me something. A reason to root for you.” She leans forward, searching my face for the answers she so badly needs.
“You’re not going to help me?” I ask, purposefully avoiding the question. “If I can’t ask for my best friend to trust me, who else can I ask?”
“Riley, I trust you, but I can’t fight blindly! I won’t ever act against you – you know I wouldn’t do that – and I’ll try my best to persuade Alec that you had a good reason but . . . but you know as well as I do that unless you explain it to me, or to him, that my word means little to nothing. You want people to sympathise with you, but you haven’t given them anything to go on!”
I want to be offended that she won’t help me like I want her to, but I can’t do it. Violet, I’ve always said, is one of the most opinionated people I know. If I gave her a cause, she would fight tooth and nail for me. Not doing so right now isn’t a cause of our friendship and trust not being strong enough, but because of her nature. She can’t fight for me unless she has an opinion, and I support that. I wouldn’t want her to change her beliefs because it’s why I admire her so much, so it was silly of me to expect differently from her.
“I understand, Vi, and I wish I could tell you more, but I can’t,” I say softly. “I’m sorry. Tell Alec that I’m sorry.”
Violet pulls me into a tight hug.
“You can talk to me about anything, you know that. Please don’t shy away.”
“I know, and I’m trying not to. It’s a bit hard, though, when everyone hates your guts.”
“I’m sure that you have a good reason for doing what you’re doing, and if it’s what you want and it reflects who you are as a person, you shouldn’t care about what everyone else thinks. It’s just a bit of gossip, and their opinions don’t matter.”
But it’s not and it doesn’t.
“Thanks, Vi,” I mumble into her shoulder. I can see Tiana walking away in the distance, satisfied in the knowledge that I won’t tell anyone.
“Anytime.”
It takes my mom approximately 0.2 seconds to hear me crying.
After having thrown my bag onto the bed, I slump into the pillow and let loose. All the fear, the anxiety, the loss purges out of me like a tidal wave and my body wracks itself into a ball with sobs. I hate this. Words can’t describe how much I hate this. Why? I think to myself. Why can you not hold your head up high and allow others to think badly of you? Why have you let Tiana win, sacrificing yourself and all of your relationships just for the sake of pride? I clutch my knees and muffle my sobs into the pillow. I’m the biggest coward I know.
I’m a coward.
It was an accident! my mind screams. Don’t let her have this kind of power over you! Who cares what people think?
“Riley?” Mom rushes in, kicking the door shut and making her way over to my bed. “What’s the matter, sweetheart? Why are you crying?” Sitting at the edge of my bed, she pulls my upper body up until it rests in her lap. I can just about make out her concerned face through the blurred haze of salt water. “Has someone said something to you?”
I shake my head and wipe my eyes with frustration.
“Well what? Come on, what’s got you in this state?”
“I’ve sc-sc-screwed up,” I gasp. “I-I’ve hurt people. My friends hate me.”
“Of course they don’t,” she says, hugging me tightly. “What a silly thing to say. Your friends love you to pieces.” Her reassuring words calm me a little, and I manage to sit up, pushing myself against the headboard. Mom hands me a tissue, and I hurriedly try to wipe away the evidence of my outburst, only for more to come. I can’t stop crying. I physically cannot stop.
“Mom, I screwed up,” I choke, wiping my eyes. “I’ve made all the wrong decisions, but part of me doesn’t want to fix it. How do you deal with that?”
“That depends on the situation.” Mom wraps an arm round my shoulders and squeezes. “Come on, let it all out. I’m your mom; you can tell me anything.” Mom and I have always been incredibly close – she’s like an older sister to me. Dad is gone, aside from the cheques he sends monthly, and I haven’t got Kaitlin to talk to now. Me and Mom, we rely on each other. If I can tell anyone about this situation, it’s her.
You’re a coward. You don’t deserve your friends anyway.
I glance at her with watery eyes and instantly feel a wave of comfort. I can tell her. She won’t hate me.
“I made a mistake a year ago,” I say slowly. “And I think I’m paying the consequences for it.”
“What mistake?”
“It was when Kaitlin was alive.” I analyse the sudden sadness in her expression at the mention of her niece, sniffing. “I kissed Toby . . . when he was still in a relationship with Kaitlin.” I watch fearfully as Mom takes this in. She’s shocked, that’s clear. She takes a deep breath.
She’s disgusted by you. What kind of person does that?
“Okay, well that’s not a good thing, but it’s not terrible. Did it happen on more than one occasion? Did you tell Kaitlin?”
“No,” I admit. “It happened once. I was a bit drunk at a party, but it only needed to happen once. She saw it . . . she ran, out of the house and into the road –”
“Oh, Riley,” she sighs.
“She died.”
Mom remains silent, looking away.
“I know. You don’t have to tell me. I know how awful it is, and I hate myself for it.”
Coward. Coward. Coward.
“Listen to me, Riley.” Mom turns back to stare at me and her voice is stern. She refuses to break eye contact. “It was not your fault that she died. You made a mistake, and fate played a horrible twist. You are not responsible for her death; you are not responsible for the way she ran into the road. You made a mistake. A mistake. We all make them, we feel bad about them and then we move on. That’s the cycle. The fact that you made that mistake once and you feel so guilty about it counts for a lot. You’ve learned, baby. You feel bad about your actions, and I’m sorry that Kaitlin’s death has amplified your guilt. It’s time for stage three – you need to let it go, accept it and move on. Kaitlin wouldn’t ever want you to hate yourself over something so small. You two were fifteen. It was a crush.”
“Mom, she ran away from us,” I whimper. “She ran away. She was so desperate to get away that she ran into the road. She died, running from me.”
“What brought this on, Riley? Why are you so upset about this right now?”
I hesitate.
“Someone found out,” I whisper, sniffling. “They found out and they’re using it against me. I can’t speak to any of my friends, or they’ll spread it across the school. I can’t tell anyone anything, and part of me doesn’t want to. I don’t want anyone to know about it.”
Mom squeezes me again. “Riley, do you trust your friends?”
“Of course I do.”
“Do you trust that they’ll stand by you?”
“Well yeah but –”
“Well yeah but nothing,” Mom finishes. “There’s your answer. You tell your friends everything, and if this nasty creature spreads it then you stand and you hold your head up high.”
“I don’t think I’m strong enough for that, Mom.”
“You might not think it, but I know you are. Have a little faith in yourself, Riley. God, the amount of mistakes I’ve made in my life. At the end of the day, you’re human. Now, who is this person? I’ll go down to the school right away and speak to the principal – I’ll see what I can do.”
I watch her hands tense up, and I can tell how angry she is at this situation.
“You can’t,” I say wearily. “It will make things worse. Her family are tied in with
the school board. She won’t be expelled; it’ll just make her angrier.” I wipe the remnants of my tears away and breathe slowly outward. I feel emptied of emotion, exhausted.
“Why does she have this vendetta against you?” Mom demands.
“She likes Alec.” I smile sadly at my Star Wars sheets. “She wants me to back off.”
“Girls these days are batshit crazy. If it were my day, there’d be none of this blackmailing business. Playing dirty is never a way to win a man, Riley.”
“Mom.” I giggle.
“Well, I’m sorry but it’s true.” She chuckles. “It’s no way to win anything else either, my girl. Now, what would you like for dinner? We can order in if you’d like.”
“I’m not really hungry.”
“Nonsense. I’ll order us some pizza, okay? For Jack too. Watch some films, take a bath. Cheer yourself up and get a good night’s sleep later. I promise you’ll wake up feeling better.” She kisses me on the forehead and gets up to leave.
“Thank you, Mom. I love you.”
“I love you too, more than anything.”
I stand by my window, shielded by my drapes, and look over at Alec’s room.
Surprisingly, his window is open. His drapes aren’t drawn. He’s sitting at his desk, listening to music and studying, and never before have I wanted to dash over and hug him so much. To tell him that I’m sorry and beg for another movie and takeaway day together.
I’m not sure what it is that alerts Alec to my presence. I’m pretty sure I don’t move a muscle – I don’t think my wearied body can physically handle that. Under the weight of my eyes, somehow, he turns and glances out. Our gazes lock, and I feel boiling hot and frozen all at the same time. My heart pounds in my chest.
Mixed expressions cross Alec’s beautiful face. Pain. Anger. Acceptance.
And suddenly . . . nonchalance.
He slides up from his chair and makes his way to the window.
I can’t breathe.
Just as I feel that he’s going to speak to me, he reaches up, grabs the handle and slams the window shut. The drapes close shortly after.
And just like that, my hope and determination dissolve into ash.
21
No Time
“Riley.”
I turn at the sound of my name, managing to pluck up the sides of my mouth ever so slightly at the sight of my ex-boyfriend. He stands before me in a crisp white shirt and dark skinny jeans, his blonde hair tousled and his hazel eyes happy. Toby grins at me, “I’m surprised you came, actually. I thought you’d stand me up. You look stunning.”
I smile back half-heartedly. We’re standing in the entrance of the Elephant Bar. Bamboo lines the walls, with cosy, mismatched furniture, statues and water features everywhere in sight. The atmosphere around us is buzzing with activity. This is possibly one of the liveliest places to host a first date, but I feel anything but lively. The thought of trying to pluck up excitement for this date is exhausting. I’m numb inside. My gestures seem doll-like, my face a mask. I feel fake.
“Thank you,” I say. “Shall we sit down?”
“Definitely.” Toby holds out his arm and I reluctantly place my hand in the crook of his elbow – allowing him to lead me to our table. My hair is down and curled, and I even forced myself into a dress. Simple, understated, but a dress nonetheless. I’m not sure why I made an effort, but it was certainly not to please Toby. Maybe I thought it was courteous. Maybe I thought there was a chance of Alec charging in, in a jealous rage, and stealing me away from the dragon. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m so goddamn lonely that the thought of any attention, be it from Toby or not, is better than the week of solitude I’ve just survived.
Sadly, the last is the most likely. I haven’t had the best week. Head down, trying to dodge the dirty looks and never summoning the courage to speak to my friends. I wonder if I ever will. I know I told my mom I would, but it’s so daunting.
“I see you’ve already ordered drinks,” I say, eyeing up the green-tea spritzer he bought for me. This used to be my favourite drink in the world. I’m surprised he remembered. Toby tucks my chair under me, role-playing a gentleman, and chuckles.
“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind. I know what you would’ve wanted.”
“I usually have lemonade,” I mutter softly.
“Oh, sorry, do you want me to send it back and ask for a lemonade?” Toby asks, not at all fazed by my impoliteness. It’s disconcerting, this friendliness. After everything he’s done, it makes me uncomfortable for him to be kind to me or vice versa. I shake my head and stare at the table. I don’t want him to be kind to me. I want him to shout, so that I have an excuse to shout back, storm out and leave this date.
“So,” Toby asks as he tucks himself in, “how have you been?” His face is flushed. He’s happy to be here; this is what he wanted all along.
I should play nice. It’s not like I’m a saint myself. Besides, it’s kind of nice to be able to talk to someone, even if it is him.
“What do you think?” I ask, wryly. I take a sip of my drink and taste nostalgia. Nostalgia over the person I used to be, when I was with him. When Kaitlin was still alive, and I had an all-consuming crush on Toby Charlton. The selfishness, the moodiness, the loss. The pain of my life back then, amplified by hormones. The drink is bitter, and I put it down.
“I’m gonna say not too good,” Toby says softly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.” I play with the rim of my glass, unable to look him in the eye. Stop being nice to me. You told Tiana about the kiss. You cheated on me. You’re the reason Tiana hates me. You’re why I’m in this mess right now. I struggle to keep my mouth shut.
“Fair enough, but I’m here if you do want to.” Toby clears his throat. “Things haven’t exactly been easy for you this week, and I understand that.”
“Because you know me so well.” I sip the drink again, trying to mask my irritation by not meeting his eyes.
“I’m not saying that. I’m just saying I understand it hasn’t been easy.”
“No part of my life has been easy,” I snap at him before I can help it. My hand slumps from the glass onto the table with a loud and painful smack, and I welcome the pain.
You’re lying. Those moments of your life with Alec were easy.
“I know,” Toby mutters, staring at his lap. “I deserve that.”
“You deserve a lot more than that,” I growl. “You told Tiana about how Kaitlin died.” This isn’t going to plan. If Tiana hears about this . . . well, I’m a bit screwed. I seriously need to regain some control over my emotions. If I let the anger in, I let the hurt in, and I can’t deal with that right now. Plus, Tiana wants me to try again with Toby. That means I at least have to try.
“How do you know that?” he asks sharply.
He’s shocked.
I falter. He doesn’t know what’s going on between me and Tiana. He doesn’t know why I’m here right now, instead of hanging out with my best friends or with Alec. I have to admit, this has caught me off guard. I thought Toby had a little more to do with this whole process, but apparently he has no idea about what’s going on behind the scenes. I wonder what he’ll think of Tiana when he finds out. At least I can tell him what’s happening, even if I haven’t mustered the courage to tell my friends quite yet.
“Because Tiana’s blackmailing me with it,” I tell him, stirring my drink with the straw. “And I made the link. We were the only two people that knew about the kiss, so math dictates that you must have told her.” Toby doesn’t even seem to hear the last part of my sentence. His eyebrows have furrowed.
“She’s what?”
“Blackmailing me,” I sigh. “That’s why I haven’t spoken to any of my friends in over a week. That’s why –”
“That’s why you’re here, on this date,” Toby finishes, deadpan. “Of course. It makes perfect sense now. I knew it was too surreal to be true.”
“Yeah,” I say softly. I feel a small amount of guilt for
Toby, which I shouldn’t because of everything he put me through. However, to find out that I was forced to come on this date when he was evidently so excited for it must be painful, and I empathise with that. It’s not like he knew that Tiana was going to blackmail me.
“Right.” He grimaces. “So I’m her charity case, and you must be angrier with me now than ever. For goodness’ sake.” He meets my eye after a second of brooding, and he looks . . . defeated. “I can promise you that I didn’t mean to tell her about the kiss. We were at her house and she was probing for details about my relationship with you. It just kind of slipped out, and I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” It’s not okay at all, but we all make mistakes.
“So she’s blackmailing you into staying away from Alec, correct? And I’m the ticket into pushing him and your other friends away. God, I feel used.”
“Yeah.” I laugh slightly but not because it’s funny. “Sorry.” I stir the umbrella round my drink mindlessly. At least now I have one person who knows what it feels like.
“Riley, I need you to tell me something.” Toby grabs my hand, surprising me. His eyes glue themselves to mine. I can’t look away. “We have so much history. But I can see you don’t want to be here right now, and it’s okay for you to say there’s nothing between us any more. We’ve changed, and I was a jackass to you, so I understand that all this is my own fault. Just tell me. Am I stupid to think we could be a couple again?”
Think before you reply.
“You aren’t stupid,” I tell him slowly. “Once upon a time, we had an amazing connection. Strong enough that I kissed you even when you were with my cousin, because I liked you so much. However,” I draw out the word and look into his eyes. “That time has come and gone. You cheated on me when we got together, and the moment I found out was the moment that you and I ended for good. I can see that you regret it, and maybe it wouldn’t be a bad choice to start afresh – I doubt you’d hurt me like that again. But it wouldn’t be the right one. We aren’t right together any more. I’m not sure if we ever were.” As I speak I understand how the whole nature of our relationship was wrong, somehow.