by Dan Gutman
Dedication
To my Facebook fans
Contents
Dedication
1. The Best Christmas Vacation!
2. The First Rule of Being a Kid
3. A Christmas Miracle
4. Cray-Z Is in the House!
5. True Love
6. Waiting in Line Stinks
7. A Present for My Sister
8. Plenty of Cray-Z to Go Around
9. Take a Chill Pill
10. My Turn
11. The Kid Who Ruined Christmas
12. The True Meaning of Christmas
Bonus: Weird Extras!
Professor A.J.’s Weird Christmas Facts
Fun Games and Weird-Word Puzzles
My Weird School Trivia Questions
About the Author and Illustrator
Back Ads
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
1
The Best Christmas Vacation!
My name is A.J., and I hate it when a song gets stuck in my head.
Does that ever happen to you? You hear a song a couple of times and learn the words without even trying. Then you find yourself singing it all the time. You sing it while you’re walking to school. You sing it while you’re taking a bath. You can’t stop singing it no matter where you are.
I hate when that happens!
Ever since Thanksgiving they’ve been playing this rap song on the radio over and over again. I can’t get it out of my head.
The song is by this kid who isn’t much older than me. His name is Johnny Cray, but his rap name is Cray-Z. My sister loves him. Every girl in the world loves him.
The song is called “The Christmas Klepto.” It’s about this mean guy who steals toys. It starts like this. . . .
’Twas the night before Christmas.
You know the rest.
Stuff was all over; the house was all messed.
I was dreaming of a Christmas white.
It was a totally silent night.
That’s when I heard a crash and a boom,
So I ran right down to the living room.
There was this guy dressed all in black,
And over his shoulder he carried a sack.
I took one look at him and said, “Whoa, man!
I know you’re not Frosty the Snowman.”
“Who are you?” I asked after a pause.
“You sure don’t look like Santa Claus.”
He said, “The name’s Klepto. I’m from the South Pole.
I grab all your presents. That’s how I roll.
“On Christmas Eve, I go around the world
and steal all the presents from boys and girls.”
Ugh. That song is the worst part about Christmas. And now it’s stuck in my head forever.
Do you know what’s the best part about Christmas? No school for nine whole days! That’s right. No homework. No reading, writing, math, or social studies. No teachers.
Yippee!
Nine days! Do you know how long nine days is? I figured it out on my calculator. Nine days is the same as 216 hours. 216 hours is the same as 12,960 minutes. 12,960 minutes is the same as 777,600 seconds. That’s a long time.
For 777,600 seconds I won’t have to see Andrea Young, this annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair.
I’m going to enjoy every one of those seconds. This is going to be the greatest Christmas vacation of my life.
2
The First Rule of Being a Kid
I was eating breakfast when the greatest Christmas vacation of my life got even greater. My mom was sitting at the table reading her newspaper when I saw this on the back page. . . .
SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!
I leaned forward so I could read the small letters. They said that Santa was going to be at our local shopping mall on Saturday, just before Christmas.
All my dreams had come true!
If you ask me, Santa Claus is the greatest man in the history of the world. Anybody who gives toys to kids should get the No Bell Prize. But I figure Santa will never get the No Bell Prize, because that’s a prize they give out to people who don’t have bells. And if there’s one thing Santa has plenty of, it’s bells.
“Can you take me to the mall on Saturday?” I asked my mom. “Please, please, please?”
“Dad and I need to clean out the garage on Saturday,” my mom replied.
“You can clean out the garage anytime, Mom,” I told her. “Santa is only going to be at the mall on Saturday. If I don’t go, I’ll never get to see him for the rest of my life.”
“Sorry, A.J. Not this Saturday.”
“But I need to buy a present for Amy,” I begged.
My sister, Amy, is three years older than me. She’s annoying, but I have to get her a present anyway.
“No,” Mom said. “No means no.”
Hmmm. Begging usually works for me. I would have to try something else. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. That’s what my parents always say. You can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it.
It was time to put Plan B into effect.
I started crying.
If you want something really badly and the situation is hopeless, there’s only one thing to do—cry. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
I peeked to see if my mom was watching me cry.
“A.J.,” she said. “Those are crocodile tears.”
What do crocodiles have to do with anything?
“Come on, Mom!” I pleaded. “I’ve been waiting to meet Santa Claus my whole life.”
Mom put down her newspaper and looked at me. She had a serious look on her face.
“Your father and I have been meaning to tell you something for a while now, A.J.,” she said. “It’s about Santa Claus. We think it’s time you knew that Santa—”
But she didn’t get the chance to finish her sentence because the phone rang. I picked it up.
It was my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.
“Santa is coming to the mall!” Ryan shouted into the phone.
“I know!” I shouted back. “Do you think it’s the real Santa? I mean, how could he visit every mall in the world?”
“He’s not visiting every mall in the world,” Ryan told me. “He’s just visiting our mall! That’s why we have to be there. Are you in? My mom said she would drive us. Spread the word.”
I hung up and called my friends Michael, Neil, and Alexia to tell them the big news about Santa.
“I want to go!” said Michael, who never ties his shoes.
“I want to go!” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
“I want to go!” said Alexia, who rides a skateboard all the time.
In case you were wondering, everybody was saying they wanted to go.
I looked at my mom with my best puppy dog eyes. If you ever want something really badly, look at your parents with puppy dog eyes. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
“Please?” I asked. “Ryan’s mom said she’d drive us to the mall. You don’t even have to go.”
“You’ll buy a present for your sister while you’re there?” Mom asked.
“Of course!”
“Okay,” my mom agreed. “You can go.”
Yippee!
3
A Christmas Miracle
I had to wait a million hundred hours for Saturday to arrive. Wednesday felt like it was two days long. Thursday must have been three days long. Friday took at least a week. I thought I was gonna die of old age.
But finally, it was Saturday. My mom made me wear the dorky red-and-green Christmas sweater that my aunt knitted for me last year. U
gh, it’s itchy.
“Do I have to wear this?” I asked.
“Yes,” my mom replied. “You want to look your best in front of Santa.”
“I don’t want to look like a dork in front of Santa,” I said.
“You look very handsome, A.J.”
When I came downstairs, my sister, Amy, was watching TV in the living room.
“Nice sweater, dork,” she told me.
I didn’t care what Amy said. It would be worth it to wear a dorky, itchy sweater if I could see Santa Claus live and in person.
I sat in the window for a million hundred minutes waiting for my ride. Finally, Ryan’s minivan pulled up.* Ryan, Michael, Neil, and Alexia were inside. They were all wearing their itchy Christmas sweaters.
“Nice sweaters, dorks,” I said as I climbed in.
Lots of people had decorated their front yards for Christmas. We drove past giant inflatable snowmen, candy canes, Santas, sleighs, and lots of reindeer. It was beautiful. Ryan’s mom started to sing “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas . . .” and we all joined in.
That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
It started to snow!
Well, that may not be all that amazing to you. But we live in California, and it hardly ever snows here.
“It’s snowing!” we all marveled as we pressed our noses against the windows.
It was a Christmas miracle.
4
Cray-Z Is in the House!
When we got to the mall, the parking lot was jammed. Ryan’s mom circled around trying to find a spot.
“Everybody must be here to see Santa,” she said.
“I wonder where he parked his sleigh,” Michael said, looking around.
“Santa doesn’t park his sleigh in a parking lot, dumbhead,” said Neil the nude kid. “That would be crazy.”
“Where do you think he parked it?” asked Alexia.
“Up on the roof, of course,” said Neil.
Right next to the mall entrance was a big bus. On the side of bus, in big red letters, it said: CHRISTMAS RAPPIN’ WITH CRAY-Z.
“Cray-Z is here!” shouted Alexia. “That must be his tour bus!”
“Cray-Z?” asked Ryan’s mom. “Who’s Cray-Z?”
Ryan’s mom is really old, so she doesn’t know anything. We had to tell her that Cray-Z is this kid rapper, and his song “The Christmas Klepto” is on the radio all the time.
“Do you like his music?” Ryan’s mom asked us.
“Ugh, no!” said Ryan.
“That kid is horrible,” said Michael.
“I call him Justin Timberfake,” said Neil.
We all said how much we couldn’t stand Cray-Z’s music. I didn’t tell anyone that Cray-Z’s dumb song had been stuck in my head all week.
Suddenly, a bunch of girls came running out of the mall. They surrounded the bus.
“We love Cray-Z!” they were shouting. “Marry me, Cray-Z!”
Those girls were screaming and crying and fainting all over the place. What is their problem?
“Girls are weird,” said Alexia, who is technically a girl but likes cool boy stuff anyway.
Finally, Ryan’s mom found a parking spot. We had to walk a million hundred miles to get to the entrance of the mall.
“WOW!” we all said, which is “MOM” upside down.
When we walked through the door, everything was Christmas-y. There were candy canes, wreaths, colored lights, jingle bells, and huge paper snowflakes all over the place. MEET SANTA TODAY said a banner on the wall. I could hear “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” playing. Big Christmas ornaments were hanging from the upper level of the mall. Zillions of people were walking around. There was electricity in the air!
Well, not really. If there was electricity in the air, we would get electrocuted.
“You’re big kids now,” Ryan’s mom told us as she took a cell phone out of her pocketbook. “I’m going to do some Christmas shopping. We can stay in touch by phone.”
She gave Ryan the cell phone and told him to put it in his pocket.
Cell phones are cool. My mom said I could get one when I’m in high school.
“We’ll meet at the food court in two hours,” Ryan’s mom told us. “I need you kids to stay together and be careful. Don’t get into trouble, do you hear me?”
“Us get into trouble?” I asked.
“What could possibly happen?” asked Alexia.
“We never get into trouble,” said Michael.
Ryan’s mom looked at us with those crazy grown-up eyes that make it seem like she’s drilling an invisible hole in your head. Then she left.
The mall is big. Right in the middle is a ginormous Christmas tree that almost reaches the ceiling. How they got that tree in the mall, I’ll never know.
We walked all over the place looking for Santa.
“I’m glad Andrea and Emily aren’t here,” said Alexia. “They’re so annoying.”
“Hey, I have an idea,” I said. “Let’s use Ryan’s cell phone and make a prank call to Andrea’s house.”
Everybody agreed that was a genius idea, so I should make the call. Ryan speed-dialed the number for Andrea’s house.
“Hello?” somebody answered.
I wasn’t sure if it was Andrea or her mother.
“I would like to order a large pepperoni pizza,” I said.
“You must have the wrong number. This is not a pizza parlor.”
The gang was cracking up. It was definitely Andrea’s mother on the phone.
“Do you have ravioli?” I asked.
“No!”
“How about spaghetti?”
“No!” Andrea’s mother said. “Wait a minute. Is this A.J.? Are you calling for Andrea? She’s not home. She’s at the—”
I didn’t hear the end of the sentence, because that’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened.
Somebody tapped me on the shoulder. But I’m not going to tell you who it was.
Okay, okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you.
5
True Love
“Hi Arlo!”
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
It was Andrea! She’s the only person in the world who calls me by my real name.*
I must have jumped three feet in the air. Little Miss Perfect was with her crybaby friend Emily. They were carrying a bunch of packages.
“What are you doing here?” I asked Andrea. “Buying yourself a new encyclopedia because your old one wore out?”
“Very funny,” said Andrea. “Emily and I bought toys for homeless girls and boys.”
“That’s right,” said Emily, who always agrees with everything Andrea says. “We want to bring peace and harmony to kids all over the world.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, we came to meet Santa Claus,” Alexia said.
“Oooooo!” Andrea said, all excited. “We want to meet Santa, too. Can we come with you guys?”
“We’ll have to talk it over,” I said.
The gang and I moved off to the side and huddled up like football players.
“What do you think?” asked Neil. “Should we let them hang out with us?”
“I say no,” I said. “I don’t want to walk around with Andrea all day.”
“Oooooo, A.J. doesn’t want to walk with Andrea,” said Ryan. “They must be in love!”
“Wait a minute!” I yelled. “I told you I didn’t want to walk with Andrea. Why are you saying I’m in love with her?”
“A.J., everybody knows you love Andrea,” said Neil. “It’s totally obvious that you only said you didn’t want to walk with her to hide the fact that you’re in love with her.”
Hmmmmm.
“Okay,” I said, “in that case, it’s okay with me if Andrea walks with us.”
“Oooooo, A.J. wants to walk with Andrea!” said Ryan. “They must be in love!”
“Wait a minute! That’s not fair!”
I shouted. “So it doesn’t matter what I say. I’m in love with Andrea whether I want to walk with her or not.”
“Oooooo, A.J. just admitted he’s in love with Andrea!” said Alexia.
“When are you gonna get married?” asked Neil.
If these kids weren’t my best friends, I would hate them.
6
Waiting in Line Stinks
Andrea said she knew where Santa was, and she led us to the other side of the mall. Finally, we found the end of the line of people waiting to meet Santa. There must have been a million hundred kids there! I could see a sign in the distance that said SANTA’S WORKSHOP, but Santa Claus was too far away. He was in a special roped-off area.
“We should sneak up to the front of the line,” I whispered.
“That would be wrong, Arlo,” Andrea said. “These kids got here before we did.”
I was going to sneak up anyway, but a big arm came down in front of my face. I looked up. You’ll never believe whose arm it was.
Officer Spence, our school security guard! He was standing on a Segway. Those things are cool.
“Officer Spence!” I said. “What are you doing here?”
“Making sure everybody waits in line,” he told me. “And earning a little extra money over the holidays.”
“How long will we have to wait in line?” Ryan asked.
“About an hour,” Officer Spence said.
“An hour?!”
“We could die from old age while we’re waiting,” I said.
“An hour is like forever,” said Michael.
Andrea rolled her eyes. “Boys should learn to be patient,” she said.
I wasn’t sure if it was worth it to wait in line for an hour. I thought that maybe we should just forget about meeting Santa. But that’s when I heard these magic words . . . .
“Santa is giving out candy,” some kid said.
“Santa is giving out candy,” said some other kid.
“Santa is giving out candy!” said another kid.