by Dan Gutman
That is, if I hadn’t dropped dead. Because if you’re dead, you can’t talk.
“Ho! Ho! Ho!” Santa said as he handed me a candy cane and a coloring book.
Whew! Santa has bad breath!
“Say, little boy, your name isn’t A.J. by any chance, is it?”
“How did you know?” I asked.
“I’m Santa,” Santa said. “I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake.”
“That’s creepy,” I said. “Do you have night vision goggles?”
“Ha! Ha! Ha!” laughed Santa. “No, but I know if you’ve been bad or good, A.J. Be good for goodness’ sake!”
Santa must have a GPS and state-of-the-art surveillance technology. I’m not sure, but I think that’s an invasion of privacy.
“So what do you want for Christmas, A.J.?” Santa asked me.
“I want the new Striker Smith Commando,” I said. “It comes with a missile launcher, voice activator, attack dog, and deluxe blowtorch. All other accessories sold separately. Batteries not included.”
“Striker Smith?” said Santa. “You mean the superhero action figure from the future who travels through time and fights all who dare to thwart his destiny?”
“Yes!”
Wow, Santa really knows his toys.
“A.J., didn’t I bring you a Striker Smith action figure two Christmases ago?” Santa asked me.
“Yeah,” I replied. “He fell under the school bus, and his head came off.”
“And didn’t I bring you another Striker Smith action figure last Christmas?”
“Yeah,” I said. “He met his untimely end when his head got tragically melted in a battle with an evil magnifying glass.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Santa said. “I hope you’ll take better care of Striker Smith this year.”
“I will, Santa!”
“Good. Merry Christmas, A.J. Ho! Ho! Ho!”
I looked out at the kids waiting in line. I wondered how Santa would remember which presents we all asked him for.
“Are you going to write down that I asked for a Striker Smith action figure?” I asked Santa.
“That won’t be necessary,” he replied.
“How will you remember, Santa?”
“My mind is like a steel trap,” he told me.
“You catch animals with your head?” I asked.
“No, I mean I have a good memory,” Santa told me. “That’s how I remember what I bring you each year.”
Some of the parents in the crowd were looking at their watches. I guess my time was up. But this might be the only chance in my whole life that I would get to talk with Santa. I didn’t want to leave.
“Can I ask you one question, Santa?”
“Sure, A.J.”
“I understand how reindeer can fly,” I said, “but doesn’t your sleigh need a wing on each side, for stability?”
“The Christmas spirit lifts it up,” Santa said.
“Yeah, but the sleigh doesn’t look very aerodynamic,” I told him. “Why not use a helicopter instead?”
“I thought you had just one question,” Santa said.
“How is it possible to visit every house in the world in one night?” I asked. “What about the houses that don’t have chimneys? What about people who live in apartments? How do you fit all the toys in the sleigh? And what do you do the rest of the year?”
“We have to wrap this up, A.J.,” said Santa. “There are a lot of children waiting.”
“You should really lose some weight,” I told him. “Obesity is a big problem these days. Have you checked your cholesterol? Isn’t it cold at the North Pole? Is there a supermarket up there? Where do you buy your groceries? Have you considered relocating to a warmer climate? Do the reindeer ever poop on people’s heads?”
“Time’s up, kid!” one of the parents shouted. “Let’s move it along, okay?”
I got up from Santa’s lap. But as I was doing that, my itchy Christmas sweater must have got caught on Santa. Because that’s when the strangest thing in the history of the world happened.
His beard came off!
11
The Kid Who Ruined Christmas
“Gasp!” everyone gasped.
“Hey,” I said. “You’re not the real Santa! You’re just some guy dressed up like Santa!”
“Uh . . . well . . . um . . . ,” Santa mumbled.
The fake Santa guy looked really familiar to me. I knew I had seen him somewhere before. So I picked his Santa hat up off his head. And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what was under there.
Nothing!
The guy was completely bald, just like Mr. Klutz, the principal of my school!
In fact, the fake Santa guy was Mr. Klutz!
“Mr. Klutz!” I shouted. “What are you doing here?”
“Uh . . . earning a little extra money over the holidays,” he replied.
I knew I was in trouble as soon as people saw Santa wasn’t the real Santa. But I had no idea how much trouble I was in.
“EEEEEEEK!” some girl shouted. “Santa has no hair!”
“He’s a fake!” a boy yelled.
“Mommy!” screamed another girl. “You told me that man was the real Santa Claus! You lied!”
All the little kids in line started yelling, screaming, crying, and freaking out. Their parents were upset, too.
“We’ve been waiting in line for an hour,” a lady shouted, “and now this!”
“It’s that kid’s fault!” one dad yelled, pointing his finger at me. “He ruined Christmas for my son. He ruined Christmas for everybody!”
I thought I was gonna die. Mr. Klutz looked scared. He got up quickly and put a sign on his seat that said
SANTA HAS GONE TO FEED HIS REINDEER. HE’LL BE BACK SOON.
“I’d better get out of here,” he told me. “A.J., what do you have to say for yourself?”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. I had to think fast.
“Uh, peace on earth, goodwill to men?” I said.
“Get him!” somebody shouted. “Get that kid who ruined Christmas!”
Bummer in the winter! There was only one thing I could do.
Run!
12
The True Meaning of Christmas
This was the worst thing to happen since TV Turnoff Week! I wanted to go to Antarctica and live with the penguins.
I jumped off the little platform to make a run for it, but I slipped on some fake snow and knocked over the Christmas tree. It landed on top of me.
As I was scrambling to get up, my foot got tangled in a string of Christmas lights. When I yanked at it, sparks started flying.
That must have spooked the reindeer in the petting zoo, because one of them broke out of the gate and started running around in crazy circles.
“Run for your life!” shouted Neil the nude kid. “The reindeer is on the loose!”
“Watch out for those antlers!” a lady screamed.
“It’s heading for the food court!” somebody shouted.
I finally got to my feet, and a bunch of angry parents started chasing me.
“Get him!” one of the dads shouted. “Get that kid!”
I bolted out of there. Crowds of people were all over the place. I had to run around them like a football player to escape the angry parents chasing me. I bumped into some lady, and she fell into a fountain.
“Help!” I shouted. “They’re gonna kill me!”
I ran up the down escalator. Then I ran down the up escalator. But I didn’t travel through time. The parents were still chasing me. I couldn’t lose them!
At the other end of the mall, I spotted the men’s bathroom. Maybe I could hide in a stall, I figured. It was my only hope.
I ran over there and ducked inside the bathroom. I was panting and gasping for breath.
And you’ll never believe who was in there, combing his hair in the mirror.
Cray-Z!
“Dude!” he said.
“What’s the matter? You look like you’ve been through a war!”
I put my hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eye.
“You’ve got to help me!” I begged. “I was sitting on Santa’s lap, and I accidentally pulled off his beard. The kids who were waiting in line freaked out, and now their parents are trying to get me! What should I do?”
“Quick!” Cray-Z said. “Let’s switch clothes again!”
“Huh?”
“Just do it!”
I tore off my itchy Christmas sweater and gave it to Cray-Z. He tore off his clothes and gave them to me.
“Now get out of here!” Cray-Z said. “And act casual.”
I whistled as I strolled out of the bathroom.* A bunch of angry parents were milling around, looking all over. None of them noticed me. I thought I was in the clear.
But that’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. An announcement came over the public address system.
Well, that’s not the amazing part, because announcements come over the public address system all the time. The amazing part was what happened next.
“Attention, shoppers. It’s two o’clock. The young pop sensation Cray-Z is about to do some more Christmas rapping on the main stage near the big tree. Come see him perform!”
Suddenly, Officer Spence came rolling over to me on his Segway.
“We’ve been looking all over for you, Mr. Z!” he said. “Come on! Everybody’s waiting!”
“Huh? What? Who? Me? Again?” I asked.
Officer Spence pulled me up on the Segway and rolled over to the stage.
“Yo, Z,” said the guitar player. “Let’s rock, man.”
There must have been a million hundred girls in the audience now. Some of them were trying to climb up on the stage, but the police were holding them back. That guy in the jacket and tie climbed up and took the microphone.
“Okay, boys and girls,” he said. “Here he is again. The latest. The greatest . . . Craaaaaaaaaaay-Zeeeee!”
The girls started screaming. The band started playing. I had no choice. So I started rapping. . . .
“’Twas the night before Christmas.
You know the rest.
Stuff was all over; the house was all messed.
I was dreaming of a Christmas white.
It was a totally silent night.
That’s when I heard a crash and a boom,
So I ran right down to the living room.
There was this guy dressed all in black,
And over his shoulder he carried a sack.
I took one look at him and said, ‘Whoa, man!
I know you’re not Frosty the Snowman.’
‘Who are you?’ I asked after a pause.
‘You sure don’t look like Santa Claus.’
He said, ‘The name’s Klepto. I’m from the South Pole.
I grab all your presents. That’s how I roll.
‘On Christmas Eve I go around the world
and steal all the presents from boys and girls.’
He went to the corner and got down on one knee
To scoop up the gifts that were under our tree.
He took them all. He grabbed my new toys.
He took my new clothes. He took all our joy.
To the Christmas Klepto, everything’s free.
‘I’ll take your partridge,’ he said, ‘and your pear tree.
‘I like your presents, and now they’re mine.
Say, how much of this stuff did you buy online?
‘You better watch out. You better not cry.
You make one peep, and I’ll poke out your eye.’
‘You’re a mean man, sir!’ I said with a hiss.
‘Just wait until Santa finds out about this.’
That Mr. Klepto thought he was a smarty,
But in the end, we spoiled his party.
Oh sure, the guy had lots of charm,
Until he tripped our silent alarm.
A few minutes later, the cops arrived.
Mr. Klepto, under the couch he dived.
The cops yelled, ‘Come out with your hands in the air.’
‘I was framed!’ he shouted. ‘This ain’t fair!’
The cops said, ‘Now don’t try anything violent.
All you have is the right to remain silent.’
They dragged him away, and he said, ‘Bye-bye.’
And that was the last I heard of that guy.
Now all this stuff that I’ve been rappin’
You may say that none of it happened.
After all, nobody came and stole your stuff.
Nobody broke in. Nobody got rough.
Well, the reason that you’ve got nothing to fear
Is because they put Klepto away for ten years!
So you can believe what you want to believe,
But that’s what happened on Christmas Eve.”
“Let’s hear it for Cray-Z!” said the guy with the jacket and tie.
The girls went nuts, screaming and yelling and freaking out. I jumped off the stage and ran back to the men’s room. Cray-Z was in there waiting for me.
“You saved my life,” I told him.
“Now we’re even, dude.”
Cray-Z and I switched back into our normal clothes, shook hands, and said good-bye. As I was about to walk away, I came up with the greatest idea in the history of the world.
“Hey, Cray-Z. I need to get a Christmas present for my sister. Can you give me an autograph?”
“Sure, dude,” he said.
Cray-Z took off his hat. He pulled a Sharpie from his pocket, signed the hat, and handed it to me.
“Y’know,” he said, “sometimes I wish I was in your shoes.”
“Why?” I asked. “What’s wrong with your shoes?”
“No,” he said, “what I mean is that the grass is always greener on the other side.”
“Huh?” I asked. “What does the color of grass have to do with anything?”
That Cray-Z kid is weird. Who cares about shoes and grass?
But as I walked away, I started thinking about what Cray-Z said. Christmas isn’t about malls and elves and trees and presents. It’s about being a good person. It’s about helping a guy out when he’s in trouble. Cray-Z needed my help, so I helped him. Then I needed his help, and he helped me. Christmas is a time for giving. That’s the true meaning of Christmas spirit.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll become Cray-Z’s stunt double. Maybe Santa will bring me the new Striker Smith Commando action figure with missile launcher, voice activator, attack dog, and deluxe blowtorch. Maybe another song will get stuck in my head. Maybe the real Santa will come to the mall next Christmas. May be they’ll pay the teachers more money so they don’t have to dress up like elves. Maybe I’ll travel back in time on an escalator. Maybe Santa will get some breath mints. Maybe I won’t have to wear my itchy Christmas sweater next year. Maybe I’ll get to eat some of those giant nuts. Maybe Santa will be arrested for invading people’s privacy. Maybe Mr. Klutz will catch animals with his head. Maybe Santa will ditch his sleigh and switch to a helicopter. Maybe Andrea and Emily will bring peace and harmony to kids all over the world.
But it won’t be easy!
Professor A.J.’s Weird Christmas Facts
Fun Games and Weird-Word Puzzles
My Weird School Trivia Questions
PROFESSOR A. J.’S WEIRD CHRISTMAS FACTS
Howdy, My Weird School fans! Professor A.J. here. I’m gonna tell you a bunch of stuff you probably don’t know about Christmas. It’s really important for you to learn stuff so you won’t grow up to be a dumbhead like a certain person in my class with curly brown hair who rolls her eyes and says mean things to me all the time. But it wouldn’t be polite to name names.*
First of all, do you know how the tradition of the Christmas tree got started? It was back in 1897. On Christmas Eve that year, a huge pine tree fell on top of a house in Lake Placid, New York. The Bates family was just sitting down t
o their Christmas dinner when the tree crashed through their roof and landed in their living room. The family freaked out and were really angry that they would have to spend their Christmas Eve getting that dumb tree out of their living room. So they decided just to leave it there. And ever since that day, people have been putting trees in their living rooms at Christmastime.
Okay, I totally made that story up, so nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!
But here’s some true stuff about Christmas. . . .
I could tell you a lot more stuff about Christmas, but I’d rather open my presents and go play out in the snow. Happy holidays!
Professor A.J. (the professor of awesomeness)
FUN GAMES AND WEIRD-WORD PUZZLES
I. WHERE'S SANTA?
Directions: Santa needs to deliver his gifts, but he doesn’t want to be seen! can you find where he is hidden in this picture?
2. WINTER WORD JUMBLE
Directions: The eight words below are all jumbled up! Can you put the letters in correct order and uncover the holiday words?
1. PNSRETE: _____________
2. YJO: ________
3. WOSMNAN: __________
4. SBLLE: _______
5. EGIHLS: _____________
6. SCHNETTSU: _____________
7. CNRAUERTKC: __________
8. DRNEIREE: ___________
3. GIFT GIVER
Directions: Everyone has something special they want for Christmas. Match these weird people and animals below with the gift that they would most want from Santa!
4. SNOWFLAKE MATCH
Directions: Snowflakes are falling! Each snowflake is an identical match with another snowflake on the page. Can you find all the matches?
5. CRAZY-CHRISTMAS WORD SEARCH