A nurse walked in and checked the machines, then began to speak to me as she did something to my arm. I nodded, but I was already somewhere else. On a beach with Dan where everything was golden and warm.
CH. 29 - Sawyer
London explained everything and I didn’t think twice. I jumped on a plane to New York and met with Dr. Rutherford.
“Are you sure?” he asked for the seventh time.
“I wanted to do this before so it didn’t come to this, so yes, let’s do it,” I said. “Just do it now before she even leaves the hospital.”
“And this is anonymous, correct?”
“Yes, please. I’m not sure how much her husband would appreciate it and I really don’t want the world to know.”
“Husband?” He coughed.
I nodded. “Yes….”
“Okay.” A weak smile turned up one side of his face. He furrowed his brow, then explained to me the next steps. I called Chris and told him I’d have surgery tomorrow. He was bringing Leslie as soon as possible and I couldn’t had been more thankful for him. Where Quin and I lacked true brotherhood, Chris more than made up for it, proving to me that blood didn’t matter as much as faithfulness.
I met with the anesthesiologist and a nurse practitioner in the hospital’s PREP center. They gave me detailed information on how to prepare for surgery tomorrow. No food or drinks after midnight. I had some lab work done again and they explained the recovery process. A social worker also met with me for a half hour to talk about the emotional aspect, which didn’t concern me.
That night, I tried to sleep in a nearby hotel, but couldn’t. Kept imagining her in the hospital and wishing I were by her side, but she had Dan now. I’m sure he was holding her hand and kissing her eyelids while she slept, enjoying the prize he won. It irritated me so much I wanted to walk in there and physically remove him from her life, but I never forced her in the past and definitely didn’t want to now. She’d come back to me if she wanted. At least I’d get to be a part of her now. Really be a part of her every day of her life with my own flesh and blood working together with hers.
He couldn’t say that.
An image of their bodies joining in the shadows taunted me, so I turned on the TV. My hands shook and my veins throbbed. I paced the room a few times, took a steaming hot shower, and tried to sleep again.
Thoughts continued distracting me until finally my brain gave up and surrendered to sleep. A few hours later, I woke up and went back to the hospital. Once I got settled in the pre-op room, I wondered if anyone would do the same thing for me if I needed a kidney. Parents were gone. Brother disappeared, sold his house, and hadn’t contacted me again since the last time I saw him. Chris … Chris was probably the only real family I had.
The idea of Melody was starting to sound more appealing by the minute.
A patient escort wheeled me out of the pre-op room, down a hall, through some doors, then down a stark white hall with bright windows. I focused on the tiles in the ceiling, trying to dispel any feelings of nervousness. Something creepy about an operating room. They wheeled me inside and I saw the surgical instruments on the table across the room, where several scrubbed people hovered and handed each other things. The anesthesiologist quickly showed up and stuck me with a needle to start the IV, then asked me to count backwards from 50. When I got to 47 the ceiling tiles blurred a little. And then a little more.
43 and … a black room. That’s the last thing I remember.
CH. 30 - Nora
Dr. Rutherford told me they found a living donor who matched all of my criteria, so we scheduled it and before I had time to think I was lying down in a pre-op room with London holding my hand. My parents hadn’t even gotten there yet. Those are the moments where being a celebrity made no difference. I was a normal person, in a difficult situation, experiencing normal people things. Something about it humbled me and made me realize that no matter how big we get on the outside, we’re always small inside. I was a girl in need of a kidney to survive and I wanted my parents and my best friend to hold my hand through it all. It felt good to remember how small I was.
We still hadn’t heard from Dan, so I gave him one more call before it was time to go into the operating room. Surprisingly, he picked up and I explained what was going on and asked if he could come out to see me.
“I’m sorry, Nora. You know I gotta stay and finish this up,” he said. “But I’m there with you in spirit. Always, okay?”
“Yeah.” A single tear fell. “Okay.”
“Don’t be upset. I would be there if I could, it’s just the nature of this business.”
“I know. It’s not your fault.” I wondered if he’d show up if it were my last few days on earth.
“I love you, Nora.” He whispered to someone in the background. “I gotta go. Director’s calling me. Be safe and call me when you’re in recovery.”
“I will.” I hung up with him and looked at London, who pretended not to notice the awkward stifled conversation I just had with … my boyfriend. Still weird to say that.
“You okay?” London said, putting her phone down to make eye contact with me.
“I’m fine. Can’t wait till all of this is behind me.”
“Me too.” She exhaled. “Been an intense ride. Your life is truly like a movie.”
“Hopefully it has a happy ending.”
“Well, depends what you consider happy. Romeo and Juliet seemed to have a happy ending to some people, although that’s not exactly my ideal fairy tale ending.”
I laughed. “Me neither.”
“What’s yours?”
I thought for a few minutes, but she interrupted me. “Remember what you said before?” She paused. “I want to be a great actress. I want to win a Golden Globe. And I want to fall in love. True love. Love that never dies. I want to find someone who still holds my hand when we are 90 years old, not out of obligation, but because he wants to.” She paused again. “Still feel that way?”
“I don’t care about acting anymore. Or awards. I’ve already fallen in love and it will never die, so I don’t know. What’s my ideal happy ending? Probably to get to my last moment on earth and know that I truly lived.”
“Wow.”
“What?”
“Different for you.”
“Yeah, life happens.”
A nurse came in and asked me to remove my clothing and put on a fancy hospital gown. London stood to leave, but I held her arm and made her sit back down. The nurse left as I changed, then came back in and started an IV in my arm and explained to me the precautions and side effects that could occur. I signed a few papers and smiled at London every few minutes, thankful that she was with me. “Not exactly Paris, huh?” I said to her.
She squeezed my hand and leaned down to hug me. “I’ll be waiting.”
The nurse wheeled me through an extremely bright hallway with white walls all around. She talked the entire time about apple pies and random weird things. I guess she was trying to comfort me, but something about it made me more skittish. Once we entered the operating room, I realized I hadn’t breathed for a few seconds and took a deep breath. The only other time I had been in an operating room was when I was knocked out and completely unaware of it. This wasn’t enjoyable, I can tell you that. They helped me onto the table and I rested my head on the pillow. As the anesthesiologist explained what he was doing I pretended to listen, but all I could think about was the tube that was about to be down my throat and the ventilator next to me that was going to keep me alive. Everything creeped me out and I couldn’t wait to be asleep. A few minutes later, the world grew hazy and I blacked out.
I woke up in my recovery room while a nurse checked on me. She spoke softly and kindly, but I was still too groggy to understand what she said, so I nodded and looked around for my parents or London, but instead I saw Sawyer sitting next to me. My eyes were still heavy and I faded in and out of sleep, wondering if I was dreaming about him beside me and hoping I wouldn’t wake up. If I cou
ld hold on to him for a few more minutes….
“I could die like this,” I said to him.
“You have a lot of life ahead of you,” he said. “You’re not going to die.”
“I mean with you.”
Then I blacked out again and entered a crazy dream about roller coasters and The Nutcracker, when I awoke he was gone and London was sitting by my bed reading a book.
“Rise and shine,” she said. “You’ve been in and out for the last half hour. Finally up for good now?”
“I had the weirdest dreams.”
“Like what this time?”
“I dreamt Sawyer was sitting in here, not you. Then I dreamt I was on a roller coaster that shot up toward the stars and suddenly I fell back down and was performing in The Nutcracker.”
She laughed. “Well, part of it was true at least.”
“Sawyer was here?” My throat hurt from the ventilator tube. “Are there ice chips around?”
“Hit that button and the nurse will answer.”
“Sawyer really was here?”
Her eyes closed as she nodded her head.
“Why do you seem upset about it?”
“No reason.” She handed me the remote to call the nurse. “Here.”
“What time is it?”
“Around 10p.m.”
I almost pressed the button for the nurse, but she walked in.
“Just need to check your bladder,” she whispered. “Do you need anything?”
“Maybe some ice chips.”
“Sure. You’ll have IV fluids for a while, until you are able to receive food and regular fluids. I’ll be coming in throughout the night to check your bladder and drain the urine. We want to measure and evaluate it to make sure the new kidney is functioning as it should.” She checked my blood pressure, then continued, “You’ll also be receiving anti-rejection medications, which we’ll be monitoring as well. Take it easy tonight and we’ll talk more in the morning.” She checked a few more things, drained my urine, took a blood sample, and asked, “What was it you wanted again?”
“Just ice chips.”
“Any movies or anything? I can bring you the list.”
I looked at London. She shrugged.
“No, thanks,” I said. “The ice will be great, thanks.” I turned back to London once the nurse left. “So, why was Sawyer here?”
“He cares about you, Nora. Why else would he be here?”
“Don’t be so snappy.”
“Just feel bad for him.”
“Yeah,” I said, pressing the button to make my bed a tilt up. “Me too.”
CH. 31 - Sawyer
The morning after my surgery I woke up feeling disoriented as hell. They made me walk around the night before, only hours after my surgery. Don’t know why, but that really exhausted me. I slept like a baby all night and woke up, rubbing my eyes as London, Chris, and Leslie talked at a small table across the room. I kept my eyes closed and listened to their conversation.
“I don’t know,” London said. “She acts happy and Dan does a lot of sweet things for her. It’s hard to tell.”
“Why would she marry him if she loved Sawyer?” Leslie asked.
“Because she wants attention and Sawyer wasn’t giving her what she wanted,” Chris chimed in. I tried not to laugh. Typical Chris.
“She didn’t marry him, guys,” London said. “Sawyer called while Dan was with her and he asked Nora to get him to go away for good. She felt pressured, so she just said whatever he told her to say. She moved in with him, but that’s it.”
Silence. My heart may had stopped beating for a few seconds, then filled with more life than it had when it stopped.
“I just think Dan says and does all the right things,” London continued. “And she felt like it was the right thing to do. Sawyer wasn’t budging. He wanted something from her she couldn’t give, so she confided in Dan and he sort of filled a void she had, I guess.” She sighed. “Nora’s always dated a lot of people. She’s kind of sporadic and I’m surprised she actually committed to moving in with someone, honestly.”
“I think she did it just to piss Sawyer off,” Chris said.
“No,” London said. “She wouldn’t do that to him.”
“My ass she wouldn’t.”
“Chris!” Leslie said. “Be nice. Sheesh.”
"She did it”—I coughed—“because he's People magazines sexiest man alive and I'm just a washed up hockey player who slept with his brothers wife and then paralyzed him."
Everyone turned. I smiled. London and Leslie tried to smile back, but Chris refused. I turned my face from them and moved my legs off the side of the bed. London rushed to my side and put her arm around my back.
"How do you feel?" she said, helping me stand.
"Is Nora recovering well?" I took a step toward the bathroom, thankful to be catheter-free. London didn't respond. I turned back to Leslie and Chris. Their sad eyes belonged in a chick flick or something. "What?" I said. "Why's everyone staring at me like that?"
"Why'd you do it, Sawyer?" Chris walked toward me with droopy shoulders. "I'm tired of seeing my best friend like this."
Leslie stayed at the table and London scooted toward Chris, as though she were taking sides.
"You're practically her sister," I said to London. "How can you not support me? She could die without this surgery.”
“It’s not that. It’s just…” She rubbed her hands together and shifted her balance to one leg. “I love Nora a lot, but she makes decisions and changes them in an instant. I worry she'll never grow up. Most of the time she is more concerned with what people will think instead of following her heart." She wiped a tear from her nose. "It's hard seeing your best friend ruin her life and not taking advice to make it better. She's gotta make her own mistakes." She glanced at Chris through wet lashes. "I know how it feels to be the one who is stuck watching your best friend go down the tubes knowing your words have no meaning in her life.”
"I'll win her back," I said. "You don't understand what we have."
"Sawyer." London dried her cheek with her sleeve. "In the beginning I was so cautious about you. Nora always said I was love's greatest cynic, but I guess when you've been alone for as long as I have and hurt by the one man you did actually let in, you can get a little skeptical about all this romance stuff. But ... seeing this ... you ... the way you love has changed me. I believe in love now because I've seen it up close and personal." She wiped her cheek again. "I just wish Nora loved you as much as you love her, that's all."
"I know her," I said. "You might know the way she thinks or feels, but I know the way her soul experiences life. I know because I'm the other half of her. Incomplete without her and one day she'll realize it and come back." I looked at all of them, welling up with an urge to make them all leave. Since when does a person need to defend love? "You don't have to believe me."
Chris shook his head. "This is getting old, man. Since when is loving some girl worth your own demise?"
I slammed the rail of the bed, looked at Chris, then Leslie, and back to Chris. "If you don't know”—I looked back to Leslie—“then you haven't truly loved."
"Whatever, man."
"No." My hands shook as I shoved my finger in his face, then lowered it. "Sorry." I looked down. "No. I'm not actually. For once I'm not sorry. I'm sick of this. If you love somebody you'll jump in front of a moving train to save their life and everyone will call you a hero. But here I am ... giving her everything I've got even if it breaks me and all you people think is that I'm some kind of victim. I'm jumping in front of the damn train though, whether anyone likes it or not. What kind of pathetic love only dies physically for the one it loves? That's easy." I walked toward the bathroom. "A victim is a person who unwillingly suffers. I'm choosing to do whatever it takes and I'm not a victim. Stop pitying me."
I closed the bathroom door louder than I needed to and stared in the mirror for a few seconds, washed my face with freezing cold water, then leaned against the w
all, thinking.
Maybe they irritated me so much because I needed their support. Someone's support. Even just one person, a stranger. Because somewhere under my heart's determination, my mind wanted to give up and run off like my brother.
I thought of Bruce Wayne in The Dark Knight Rises. When all hope was lost and he was at the bottom, the only way out was to push through the pain and fight for it. Maybe it was love for his people that fostered his determination. Or maybe it was his anger toward Bane. Either way, he needed that one person at the bottom, that one person to say, "Get up. You can do this." Otherwise, who knows ... he could've rotted at the bottom without ever finding the will to try.
I pictured Mom's smile at the bottom of the tree as I swung my legs around the first branch. "You can do it," she said. "Now try the next branch."
Shaking, I reached above me and gripped the calloused wood. My feet refused to move.
"Falling might hurt for a few minutes, but giving up will hurt for a lifetime," she said. "Come on, son. Fear giving up more than you fear falling. You can do this."
I smiled inside as I pictured Mom's glassy eyes from my perch at the top of the tree. She waved and beamed and I've never felt that way since.
I looked back in the bathroom mirror and saw that same boy in my eyes. She believed in me and if she were still alive she'd tell me to climb. She was, after all those years in Stony Hill Cemetery, still the most alive person I knew.
"You can do this," I whispered to myself. "Because giving up hurts worse than failing."
CH. 32 - Nora
I don't know why I always insisted on reading rumors about myself, but this time it started with people saying nasty things to me on my Twitter and Facebook accounts. It got so bad that I needed to delete them from my phone and iPad so I didn’t get tempted to see what people were saying. I was trying to figure out what they were going on about by typing my name into Google, but Dan called and asked me why Sawyer was visiting me at the hospital.
Marilyn Grey - [Unspoken 06] Page 16