by Kenna Bardot
"What do you mean?" Her face held such bewilderment, I almost reached up to pat her cheeks but stopped myself from encouraging any emotional intimacy with her. Instead I sighed, tucking the towel tighter around myself and glancing at the exotic tile of the public bathroom. "If you think your body is a commodity, then so will they. Because if you don't value it, then why should they? But if you treat your body like it's something special and worth protecting and only share it with men who you want, then maybe they'll see you that way too."
She narrowed her eyes on me, "I thought you didn't know what you did to attract them. That makes it sound as if you do."
"I have no clue if it will work. You'd have to ask them to get that kind of answer, but that would be my advice, anyway. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm tired and I'd like to go to bed." I darted around her, putting my attire on quickly in silence before leaving the bath.
I ran down the hallway and towards my room. As I was nearing my door, I heard Theo call out to me, “Mireyah!”
I sighed and considered ignoring him, but friendship made me turn around and allowed him to jog to reach me. When he did, he stopped short, brows furrowed together as he frowned down at me. “You okay?”
“I’ve been better.” I sighed and reached over to give his arm a squeeze. “I’m also exhausted. Can we talk some other day?”
He gave me a small smile and patted the top of my head - like an older brother would do to a younger sister. “Sure, Mireyah. Rest well, okay?”
“Thanks.” I turned around and walked again towards my room, my mind already flying in millions of different directions.
✽✽✽
I took the last few steps towards my room at almost a run. After running into Theo, I bowed my head and averted my gaze. He and Cyrille were more than enough socializing. I closed the door behind me and allowed the lock to click behind me for privacy. When was I going to learn my lesson about public bathrooms and luxuries? It wasn’t even the first time that shit had happened after my public bath excursion.
But Cyrille's words haunted me because she'd been right. Where my past self could not affect me, a well-meaning Sylfe who I could only call a fangirl chipped through the confidence and found the girl inside who still questioned where she had found herself in the world.
But I had no one to direct my anger, because she had made a plain and simple statement of fact. And because I had no one to direct my anger towards, it was harder to reconcile my emotions. That had been the reason I’d brushed Theo off - I was scared I would spew all over him and destroy whatever friendship we’d established in the last weeks.
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a face that was familiar, wrapped in an unfamiliar pink shell. I knew what the old Mireyah thought of it, but I wondered what the rest of them would. “How would you react if you found out I was almost a God?” I whispered it to myself even as I struggled to push the barrier and remember them. My eyes snapped open at the hazy memories because it came in spurts and bursts. I could remember how I'd felt when I'd been younger, could recall the way the sounds and smells had enveloped me in happiness and satisfaction. But it was more that I inherently knew rather than truly remembering them.
It felt like a betrayal of their memory.
I knelt down beside my bed and pulled the dark wooden box I’d stashed underneath it. It didn't weigh much, and it was plain, serviceable - ordinary. I pried open the lid to reveal the jade chest Colm had given me that first day I had been in Sylfeshire.
Some Sylfes displayed them in full view for them to see day in and day out. But I’d chosen to hide it - hide the very symbol of my entry into Sylfedom.
I touched the intricate opal inlay on the lid, running a hand over the design and felt the promise I'd taken when it had been given to me. The restriction that had been imposed on my shoulder. Since that day, I’d stowed it away, never once opening it in five years.
I took a deep breath, my hand trembling at the latch as I contemplated it. I expelled the breath I held and took the plunge, opening the lid before I could think to hide it away again. My breath caught in my throat when I looked inside. Inside, a toy soldier, the cheap green plastic well-loved and worn. It was tied to one of the few memories I had left - the promise I’d made to a brother I loved with all my heart.
My fingers itched to touch it. Wanted to take those memories back to me, if only for a short time. Remember, so I could remind myself what I had to live for. But I didn’t know when I’d be able to remember them again. Sylfeshire demanded a commitment from its Sylfes that erased any clear memories. For some, like Lysandra, strong emotions bolstered the memories. But I needed them back and if I had to face the reality of taking Ashric as my Sire, I would renounce it and live out the rest of my life as a Sylfe until I had to go to the Land of the Unwanted.
I touched the rim of the chest’s lid, as close as I could get. So near and so far. “Varo, I miss you. I miss my memories of you. I still remember my love for you. For how could I forget, but I want to hold those memories close to me again and find comfort in them." I said softly as I stared at it, feeling the tears streaking down my cheek.
Unable to bear the thought of it any longer, I slammed the lid shut and latched it back up. I dropped it back unceremoniously into its box before crawling into my bed and over the covers. I curled up into a ball and allowed the tears to come.
The desperate reality of having to be confronted by my circumstances enveloped me in darkness.
I let the sound of my sobbing comfort me.
✽✽✽
I must have slept because I could barely pry my eyes open from the puffiness caused by crying myself to sleep. Soft sunlight trickled in through the sheer curtains, and I heard the knocking on my door as I regained consciousness.
"Mireyah? Are you in there? You didn't come down to dinner last night, and you didn’t have breakfast this morning. We’ve been so worried.”
Astraea. With Lysandra likely in tow.
I tried to sit up and felt my world spin around as I did so, which reminded me it was never a good idea to fall asleep crying as I winced at the brightness of the light that shone in.
I tried to stand up, legs trembling from the effort of trying to do so as my world spun anew. I sat back down and buried my face into my hands. I took several deep breaths to steady myself.
“Mireyah!” Lysandra’s voice was sharp as she called my name. “Dammit, Mireyah, are you okay?”
I allowed the command in her tone to power me to make it to the door in short shuffles. I managed to unlock the door before I fell to the ground. Luckily, they must have heard the locks turn because the door opened shortly after.
Astraea walked in first and it took her a moment to realize I was on the floor. “Mireyah! What happened? Are you all right?”
“She’s on the floor, Aes. I’d say Mireyah is the farthest thing from being okay.” Lysandra was already bent over, trying to prop me up. At her words, Astraea bent over to help and with their joint effort, they managed to get me back into bed.
“Sorry we woke you, Mireyah. Tell us what happened.” Astraea’s gaze was on the dark uncovered box in the middle of the floor. I’d given it a wide berth when I’d walked to the door earlier. Didn’t want to be confronted with it.
But it was too much to ask that my friends ignore it.
I rubbed at my temples where a headache was already brewing. "I'm sorry I missed dinner and breakfast and worried you two." I shot them a smile, hoping to ease the worry, but I could see that they weren’t buying it.
Her gaze still on my box, Lysandra spoke up, voice uncharacteristically soft, “Did you… touch it?”
For the first time since I’d woken up that morning, I let myself look at it. I thought of how I’d broken down last night just looking at it and shook my head at her. “I didn’t, no. I’m not that brave.”
“All in due time, Mireyah. It wasn’t your time to confront that part of yourself yet. No need to beat yourself up about it.” Astraea gave my th
igh a bolstering pat. I tore my gaze from the box and let myself look into her eyes.
“Thanks, Astraea. Can I ask a favor?” They nodded, and I gestured towards the box with a nod. “Can you guys put it back under the bed? I can’t look at it.”
“Sure,” Lysandra said. She stood and held Astraea back. “I can do it, Aes. Just see to our Mireyah.” I heard the scuffles as she put the lid back on and pushed it under the bed.
She walked back to the bed, brushing her hands together. "Done. That doesn’t explain things, Mireyah.”
“No, it doesn’t. What happened? I know it was your victory time with the Tovenaar yesterday. What did he do?” her voice hardened as she spoke the name of her previous House. “"Lysandra actually thought you'd be livid coming back from it. She was looking forward to you spewing all the sparks."
Victory time with Ashric. Yes, I had been looking forward to venting to them about how angry and disgusted I’d felt after my time with him. I had been sure that they would enjoy the show.
But I'd gotten sidetracked.
"Oh. Yes, that. Spending any amount of time with Ashric was destined to be horrible. But he wasn't at fault for me forgetting dinner or sleeping through breakfast." I pulled at the loose threads on the bedsheet that covered my bed. "I was desperate for a decent shower before dinner because I felt disgusting so I used the public showers. Then I ran into Cyrille.”
“What were you doing using the public bathrooms? Didn’t you say you haven’t had a great experience with them?” Astraea asked with a worried look.
"Aes, never mind that. What did your fangirl have to say? Was she gushing about your magical vagina again?” Lysandra leaned back on her arms as she laughed at her own joke.
"I hate that we call her my fangirl but not because it's wrong but because she is, and I would just rather not have one if I could help it." I sighed. "Anyway, she was just gushing about becoming a God so young. She reminded me that my family is still alive back in Wintercairn. Well, she was talking about how dreamy my five are and how Lathyn is supposed to be this super duper amazing catch and also about how Ashric being creepy but, really, more the fact I could be a Goddess soon and how it impressive it is that I’m so fucking young."
Aes nodded. "And you don't think it's impressive?"
I met her eyes and threw her a smile. "Well, I know it's impressive and I can admit that. Besides, like I told younger Mireyah, I am perfectly willing to be a God if it means I could work on the betterment of the life of the people I used to live amongst. And that's fine, and I've learned to live with them. But she made me so tired, the way she talked about how being a God is such a big deal and how I'm so fucking impressive and it's just a lie, isn't it? I got lucky. The five came into my life to torment and torture me. Something they were successful in doing until they fell in love with me, and I had no choice but to allow myself to fall in love with them when it was the farthest thing from what I could want. But I did, despite the fact that they could make me a God. Hell, being a God was the worst thing about wanting to be with them."
“Is that why, then?” Lysandra asked. “Why you wanted to touch it? Because you wanted to remind yourself of what you’ve lost, what you’re desperate to fight for?”
I swiped at my eyes as the tears fell. "Yes. I got caught up. I allowed myself to be caught up, accepting the fact that I would be a God. Be a fucking hero for my people if I could help it. And that’s why I ended up looking at it.” I pointed downwards.
Astraea sighed out and looked away. “It's always heavy confronting our past and seeing if the way we're shaping our future is still in respect to that past. Or a betterment of it we can accept and live with. This journey we're in? It's not exactly a small thing, is it? I mean, why else would Mother Caprice do everything to ensure that we're ready?”
Lysandra interrupted, “And why else would Colm Svadeni walk around like he has something shoved up his ass if not for the fact that."
"With every step I take forward and faster into this journey, more and more of what they have allowed me to keep is trickling away. I can barely remember the emotion. I’m scared the time might come that they’d be a faceless, emotionless cause rather than a passion." I closed my eyes in thought before opening them again in a panic. "There's not much there, and I feel like it could become nothing else but worse. Will being a God, what I've hated more than anything else in the world for what feels like the longest time, mean I would completely forget? I'm not sure I would want that."
"Well, there's a decision you would have to make isn't it?" she commented sensibly, and it was one of those moments that I really hated her.
"Wouldn't you understand better than most? Weren't you hesitant to be Declared ready for the longest time because you questioned your readiness and your willingness? There's nothing wrong with me questioning myself now that I've been confronted by the truth." I swiveled towards Lysandra who was just looking innocently at me. "Aren't you yourself still not ready after how many decades?"
She raised an eyebrow at me and I could only imagine just how hard it was for her not to go off on me. "Yes, but everyone's journey is different, Mireyah. Perhaps you have to take a moment to decide if this is right for you. But don’t use our realities to make excuses for what you feel.”
I fell back onto my bed. "You're right. It's all up to me and how I feel."
"We'll leave you alone, Mireyah. Come down to lunch, okay? It’s bad to skip too many meals." I didn’t reply, but I heard them stand, heard them close the door behind them.
I tried to let my tears wash the bitterness away.
Chapter 24
Mireyah
A few days after, I still felt confused and lost when I took a stroll in the Visitation area after being cooped up indoors for too long. I invited Astraea and Lysandra to come along, but they had politely declined. Since I was desperate for fresh air, I left them to their own devices and strode out the main door.
I looked around for Theo, a little sad that he wasn’t anywhere to be found. After my encounter with Cyrille when I’d ran into him and ignored him, I wanted to make amends. It was disappointing to see that he wasn’t anywhere to be found. Perhaps I could catch him during dinner.
I strolled past the privacy nooks, nodding to the guards as I did so. Moving past it and beyond the large spruce tree, I reached Oryn’s private nook. "What are you reading?" I asked as I poked a head to look into the alcove. I smiled when Oryn looked up from his rather thick book. His dark bronze eyes were deep with worry when he looked up at me.
He looked down at the page he was reading and shrugged before shutting the book closed. "I'm not sure, actually. I just pulled it from the shelf and came over." Closed, he laid it beside him and pointed at the seat across from him.
I walked over and sat down, putting my book right next to me just as he had done. “What’s wrong? Here, I haven’t congratulated you on finally Declaring for Astraea, and I run across you looking like the world is ending soon.”
"I’m so happy about that.” He looked up at me and perhaps the look on my face was so shocked that he held out a hand. “No, really, I’m thrilled she finally came out. She must have told you by now, but I jumped as quickly as I could before she changed her mind.”
“Yes, she did. You’re both happy about that. So what’s wrong then?”
Nothing wrong, not in particular. How could it be when Astraea has finally moved off the stubborn block she’s been in the past four decades?” He shook his head and shot me a nervous smile.
“Oryn….”
“Okay! The deadline has passed and no one else has Declared for Astraea, so I don’t have to fight anyone for her. Except for me. And her." He pulled at the neck of his shirt as though it was strangling him and threw me a big smile. "I’m just worried something we do won’t be enough and we can’t move forward." He paused, as though he was thinking of his words for a bit. "But, more importantly, I'm actually more worried about talking to Astraea. I know I only just recently talked to her, b
ut it somehow feels different when it’s after the formal start of the Sire trials. More real, more at stake.”
"Oh!” Remembering the order I’d done things for my Sire Trials, I noticed differences. “Are your Sire Trials different from mine then? Is it because she’s Descendant-born?” I tapped a finger against my chin in thought.
"That might be true or it might be a little different when there's only one God involved in fighting for a Sylfe like me. I was the one to express an informal interest for her and the one to finally Declare for her. It feels like the Sire Trials would be to test our compatibility with one another." He shrugged and let out a long breath. "I've been waiting for what feels like the longest time and now it's here. I feel like I only have one chance and if I don't do my best, I’ll have lost that one chance. Lost everything I've wanted and wished for." He laughed and ran a hand over his hair. "Okay, I'm sappy. Let's change the subject."
I reached over and gave his knee a squeeze. "Sappy, sure, but mostly cute. I believe you, but okay, we'll change the subject. What should we talk about?"
"Well, I heard Ashric Tovenaar won your last Trial. Is that true?" His face hardened, and I had to reach over and take his hand to calm him even as my stomach churned.
"Yes, it was. I handled him well. How did you find out?" I tried to shrug it off, sound nonchalant even as the very thought of Ashric made me want to curl my lip in disgust.
"North. The North is abuzz because Charolais Vide has been publicly tormenting Ashric Tovenaar. Never too much that it’d be illegal, but enough for Demiorgo to frown on the affront against the status quo.”
I smiled as I thought about Charolais. It was not pleasant to be on the receiving end of his ire. I had personal experience with that. “I suppose Char was just letting his displeasure known. Ashric… frightened me.”