Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

  Quiet for a moment from the group.

  Phillip Wow. The postgraduate mind at work …

  Adam I’ll help you get dessert, Jenny, if you want to …

  Jenny … I still don’t think that makes it a statement. It’s graffiti …

  Evelyn What do you mean, it would be a huge statement … Especially for a town like this.

  Phillip Hey, some of us are from ‘a town like this’, so maybe you should watch it.

  Evelyn Well, we’ve all gotta be from somewhere …

  Phillip What do you mean by that?

  Evelyn I mean, it’s a little college town in the middle of nowhere and …

  Phillip One you chose, presumably …

  Evelyn No, it chose me, actually. Full scholarship. So, as I was saying …

  Phillip You’ve got a real winning way, you know that?

  Adam Look, Phil, it’s no big deal, let’s just …

  Phillip Which ‘Take Back the Night’ rally did you find her at, Adam?

  Evelyn … Can I finish, please?! Jesus, you’re really the obnoxious type, you know that? (To Adam.) How long did you have to stomach this guy?

  Everyone except Evelyn sort of freezes on that one.

  Adam Evelyn.

  Evelyn Anyhow, who knows what the person was saying by it, we don’t, but I think it was a gesture. A kind of manifesto, if you will …

  Phillip (drily) I don’t think a person’s dick can be a manifesto. Uh-uh. You can write a manifesto on your thing, but your thing can’t be one … I’m sure I read that somewhere.

  Evelyn See? You’re just trying to be …

  Phillip I’m not trying to be anything! Who the hell do you think you are, a few double dates and telling me anything about who I am? Un-fucking-believable!

  Jenny This is getting a little, ahh …

  Phillip … Adam, you can really pick ’em. Wow, man!

  Adam Look, it’s not, let’s just forget the …

  Evelyn You’re not gonna take his side in this, are you?

  Adam I’m not taking sides, I’m trying to get outta here with just a touch of dignity, okay? Jesus …

  Jenny I’ve got a test tomorrow, anyway …

  Phillip ‘Statement’, she says!

  Evelyn Shut the fuck up, alright? Just fuck right off … How would you know? I think she was making one, so that’s my opinion …

  Adam Jenny, thanks for everything. Phillip, I’ll call ya, or whatever, but we’re gonna …

  Phillip Yeah? How do you know it was a girl?

  Evelyn … I don’t. I didn’t say it was a woman.

  Phillip Girl, woman, whatever. You said ‘she’, how do you know that?

  Evelyn I don’t, I just said. It’s a guess. What it was, where it was placed. An educated guess …

  Phillip You are not … She’s not trying to take a poke at my being an undergrad, is she? Adam, tell me she didn’t just …

  Jenny Can we stop, now, please?! You guys …

  Adam Evelyn, let’s go …

  Phillip Hey, artiste … How’d you know it was a woman who painted the cock, huh? Very, very suspicious there …

  Evelyn You are such a prick, man, how do you go on, day after day? (To Adam.) Let’s go …

  She rises, snatches up her things and moves toward the door.

  Adam? Are you coming?

  Adam I’m … Yeah, but, just go. I’ll meet you downstairs, I just wanna … Go ahead.

  Evelyn ’Kay. (To Jenny.) You’re very sweet. Good luck … I don’t think that’s gonna be enough, but I still wish it on you.

  She heads for the door and exits.

  Phillip ‘Good luck.’ Hey, fuck you! (To Adam.) Where in hell did you meet that bitch?! / What’d she do, give you a haircut and a blow job and now you’re her puppy?!! / You don’t have to go …

  Adam … At the museum. / No, I’m not her … / (To Jenny.) The wedding sounds great. Really … It sounds … Yeah.

  He wanders off. Phillip and Jenny sit in silence.

  Phillip … What?

  A BEDROOM

  Adam and Evelyn in bed. Holding each other, staring off. A video camera on a tripod nearby.

  Evelyn … Umm, nice.

  Adam Very. Yes.

  Evelyn Our bodies are beginning to understand one another …

  Adam You’re right, I mean …

  Evelyn Getting a rhythm. And less inhibited.

  Adam Yep.

  He leans over and whispers something in her ear. A huge smile across her face. She turns and whispers back to him. They laugh and kiss for a moment. They hold one another.

  Evelyn (quietly) Were you always like this before? So … You know …

  Adam … Shy? Just about the fact that no one would sleep with me. That’s all.

  Evelyn Come on …

  Adam Seriously. You’re only, like, I dunno, the third person I’ve ever …

  Evelyn … No …

  Adam Yes, I mean it. And they were both young. I mean, I was too, I wasn’t, like, hanging out at a daycare or anything, but … It was during high school mostly. So … You’re sort of in uncharted waters here.

  Evelyn I don’t wanna blow your cover but … I could kinda tell.

  Adam (smiling) Yeah? Well, that’s okay …

  Evelyn And nobody here at school?

  Adam Nothing serious. Dates. Some close calls. But not anyone … You know.

  Evelyn … Like Jenny.

  Adam No.

  Evelyn You sorry you didn’t ask her out? I mean, if I wasn’t in the equation …

  Adam Not really. We just never got the right … Whatever. I sorta blew that one. Anyway, it’s kind of weird talking about …

  Evelyn It’s okay. That’s nice to see, every so often. Someone gallant …

  Adam Which is medieval for ‘loser’ … (Beat.) I wanna tell you something – and this is not because we’ve been sleeping together or because you mentioned another girl, it’s not – I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t. I mean, it’s not like a stalker situation … Yet … But I’m finding myself hanging out by your classes. Following you …

  Evelyn I’ve noticed …

  Adam I figured, yeah. And taking my jacket off, like, thirty times a day and looking at your number. Staring at it. Wondering if you’re looking at my number. And writing your name on anything! All over my books. In my food. Seriously, tracing your name in whatever I’m eating. I’m so whipped … You are dangerously close to owning me.

  Evelyn Wow …

  Adam I just signed my relationship death warrant, didn’t I? What a dork …

  Evelyn … No, it’s sweet. (Beat.) Were you nervous tonight? I mean, about us with the …

  Adam Nah. Not really. A bit.

  Evelyn Sure?

  Adam Yeah. It’s just … Let’s not watch it, okay? Do we have to do that?

  Evelyn Not if you don’t want to …

  Adam Good. I don’t think I could get into that, actually.

  Evelyn Why not? It’d be fun …

  Adam I don’t really need to see myself doing that. Doing … stuff.

  Evelyn See, I’m totally different. I think everyone should see themselves doing it, and their friends should see it, too.

  Adam And that’s why the tape’s gonna stay at my place …

  She smiles at this, kissing him.

  Evelyn Don’t be so frightened of everything.

  Adam I’m not. Not frightened, anyway. I just don’t think that’s a thing other people need to see. Ever. My ass …

  Evelyn People like who … Phillip?

  Adam No, that’s fine, you can show it to him … (Beat.)

  Are you nuts?!

  Evelyn Why is he your friend?

  Adam Do you really wanna go over that …?

  Evelyn I just don’t get it.

  Adam What’s to get? We were room-mates, we occasionally see each other, have a drink …

  Evelyn I just don’t think you need that kind of person in your life. No one does.
>
  Adam (mock-serious) … It may be a touch early to start dictating who my friends are.

  Evelyn (with charm) Yeah … I s’pose.

  Adam Geez, he really got under your skin, didn’t he?

  Evelyn Under. Over. Around. I hate that kind of guy …

  Adam What kind?

  Evelyn That kind. Whatever he is, that’s what I hate …

  Adam I’ll let him know.

  Evelyn No, God, no, don’t give him the satisfaction. And he’d take it, too, believe me …

  Adam Nah, maybe it’d help him, you know, be better … Or something.

  Evelyn The only thing that would help him is a fucking knife through his throat …

  They grow quiet for a moment. Adam studies Evelyn.

  Adam Okay, I’m glad I don’t have a pet rabbit or anything right now …

  Evelyn (laughing) You know what I mean.

  Adam Umm, no, not really.

  Evelyn I’ve just been around his type, that’s all. And I don’t like ’em.

  Adam Yeah, I got that part …

  Evelyn No big deal.

  Adam Right, no, it was the ‘knife through the throat’ part that was the big deal, I thought …

  Evelyn Oh, that’s just an expression.

  Adam … From where, Transylvania?

  She kisses him.

  Evelyn No … From the ‘Scorned Girl’s Handbook’.

  Adam Ahhh. Right … Page 666.

  Evelyn (smiling) You’ve been peeking. You know what happens to peekers, don’t you?

  Adam Well, if they’re DJs, they usually get asked to play ‘Misty’ on the radio all the time …

  Evelyn Close. No, I’ll show you … But you have to do me a favour.

  Adam What’s that?

  She starts to slip under the covers.

  Evelyn … Just smile. Smile into the camera. For as long as you can …

  A PARK

  Jenny waiting on a bench. Sitting by herself. After a moment, Adam appears.

  Adam … Hey.

  Jenny Adam, hi, hello.

  Adam Hi.

  Jenny Thanks for coming, I appreciate it.

  Adam Of course. How’s it going?

  Jenny You know … Okay.

  Adam Right.

  Jenny Lots to do for a wedding.

  Adam I’ll bet …

  Jenny Invitations to get out, arrangements to make …

  Adam … Air tanks to fill …

  Jenny laughs lightly.

  Jenny That too.

  Adam So, you guys’re still going through with that?

  Jenny That’s what we’re saying …

  Adam What do you mean, ‘saying’?

  Jenny No, we are, it’s what we’re doing, I’m just …

  Adam … Jenny, what?

  Jenny I don’t know. I’m, you know, worried.

  Adam Why? About what?

  Jenny What do you think? Phillip. He’s just … I dunno, being funny.

  Adam Funny, how? Like ‘telling jokes’ funny or ‘making letter bombs’ funny?

  Jenny No, no bombs yet, but kind of … Just funny. Odd. (Beat.) Like, nice …

  Adam ‘Nice’?

  Jenny Yeah, you know … Sweet. Now, I love him and all, I do, you know that, but that’s not the way I’d describe him to people. ‘Sweet.’ Would you?

  Adam thinks for a moment.

  Adam No, I wouldn’t exactly use his name and ‘sweet’ in the same short story …

  Jenny And that’s what’s bugging me.

  Adam Why, though? Maybe he’s just …

  Jenny I’ve only seen him like this once before, maybe twice. Definitely once, when we were first going out and he was seeing somebody else, too. It was over, mostly, but he was still seeing her. Remember that?

  Adam … Yeah. I do. The ‘other’ one.

  Jenny The other Jenny, exactly. I’d call and I could hear him freeze up, stop for a moment if he answered and I said, ‘Hey, it’s Jenny.’ He didn’t know what to do, so he’d get all sort of sweet and fish around slowly until he figured out if it was her or me … God, I used to hate that!

  Adam So, do you know anyone else named ‘Jenny’ right now?

  Jenny No, I don’t mean that, not the name so much as the feeling … That sense that there’s someone else.

  Adam Nah …

  Jenny Maybe I’m making it up, you know, my own insecurities and looking for a reason to not …

  Adam (smiling) … Dive in? Take the plunge? Jump off the deep end? Stop me before I …

  Jenny Cute … But yes. And that might be it, but I don’t think so. I want to get married, I do, and I love the guy, whether he’s sweet or not. It’s just that I don’t believe him now that he is …

  Adam Well, you got me …

  Jenny Really? You don’t know anything, haven’t felt that or …

  Adam I only see him, like, once a week in our survey course, so it’s not like I’m in the inner circle any more …

  Jenny I know, I just thought that …

  Adam … But I would tell you, Jenny, I would, seriously.

  Jenny Really?

  Adam I think so … I mean, that’s a lousy thing to pass on to a person, and if I did, you know, know something and then told you, you’d more likely hate me forever than be grateful …

  Jenny Yeah, that’s probably true …

  Adam Umm, you could lie, you know, feel free.

  Jenny No, you’re probably right …

  Adam So, that doesn’t exactly make me want to come clean here – which I don’t have anything to come clean about, okay, honestly, I just mean, whatever – But I feel I would. I do, because I think you’re pretty amazing, if the truth be known, and you’re almost married so why shouldn’t it be? The truth, I mean.

  Jenny … Thank you.

  Adam Not a problem. Anyway, that’s all I know. Which is, nothing …

  Jenny ’Kay. I’m just being stupid.

  Adam Look, if you feel it, it’s not stupid …

  Jenny studies him hard.

  Jenny You’re a lovely person, you know that?

  Adam ‘Lovely’? Jesus, why don’t you just call me ‘gay’ and get it over with?

  Jenny Hey, ‘lovely’ is nice … I wish there were a few more ‘lovely’ people in the world. I mean it, you are. (Looks at him again.) And getting cuter by the day. What is that girl doing to you?

  Adam Lots … She’s amazing, really.

  Jenny What happened to your … Are you wearing … Adam, are those contacts?

  Adam Yeah. Contacts.

  Jenny My God, this from the former ‘tape around the nose thingie’ champion …

  Adam That was only for a week, that one time!

  Jenny Still, you’ve gotta admit …

  Adam I do, it’s amazing. I feel better …

  Jenny Better? You’re, like, this totally hot guy now … (Beat.) I always thought you were handsome, anyway, but I didn’t think you’d go in for the makeover thing.

  Adam Me either. Who knew?

  Jenny Well, apparently she did … (Beat.) You are still seeing her, aren’t you?

  Adam Oh yeah. She’s … You don’t hold a grudge, all she said that night at your … God, I couldn’t believe that!

  Jenny It was great. No, truthfully, it was, Phil needed to hear every word of that and he did, too. Hear it, I mean. Even said something after you guys left that night. Not an admittance of guilt, exactly, but as close to one as we’re likely to hear from the guy …

  Adam Really, what’d he say? I’m amazed …

  Jenny As was I … He put on quite the show …

  Adam (sarcastically) Yeah, I remember vaguely … They both did.

  Jenny Right, but later he said something like, ‘He could do worse.’

  Adam Not exactly a seal of approval …

  Jenny No, but a lot. For him. And after what she said …

  Adam You’re right. Huh.

  Jenny Hey … Her middle name’s not ‘Jenny’ or anyth
ing, is it?

  Adam laughs at this.

  Adam Nah, no such luck. It’s ‘Ann.’ Evelyn Ann Thompson. Nice, right?

  Jenny Eat.

  Adam Huh?

  Jenny ‘EAT’. those’re her initials, the acronym of her names. E-A-T.

  Adam Hey, that’s cute …

  Jenny Oh God, you’re a goner.

  Adam I know, it’s pathetic, isn’t it?

  Jenny Yeah, somewhat … But lovely.

  Adam Not that again …

  He puts a hand up to hide his face. Jenny grabs one of his hands, studying it.

  Jenny What the heck is this? What is this?!

  Adam What …?

  Jenny Did you stop biting your nails?

  Adam Yeah, for, like, a month now …

  Jenny Don’t tell me …

  Adam It’s true. She put some crap on them, slapped ’em out of my mouth a few times and that was it. I stopped …

  Jenny You have nails! This is crazy …

  Adam It’s no big …

  Jenny Ever since I’ve known you, three years now, your fingers’ve looked like raw meat … Anyway, awful. And now you just quit?! This girl is the Messiah.

  Adam I’ve quit before …

  Jenny For, like, an hour! (Beat.) I love this woman …

  Adam Me too.

  Jenny Yeah, I see that. Wow …

  She looks over at Adam again.

  And you’d really tell me if you knew something?

  Adam … I would. Yes.

  Jenny ’Kay. Damn, when did you get so cute?

  She kisses him lightly on the cheek. They look at each other for a long moment. Suddenly, they kiss. A real kiss, not a ‘Great to see you, aren’t we the best of friends’ kiss. After a moment, they shudder to a halt.

  Adam … Shit.

  Jenny Yeah. Huh.

  Adam What was that all about?

  Jenny I dunno. I just … I’m not sure.

  Adam Look, I’m sorry.

  Jenny No, don’t be. I am. I’m the one with the ring on …

  Adam Yeah, good point. My friend’s ring. Thanks for reminding me …

  Jenny Welcome.

  Adam Oh, God … Damn it!

  Jenny … No, listen. It wasn’t because of, you know, my worries or whatever. How I feel about Phillip right now. It wasn’t …