Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

  Adam I’m telling you the truth. About Jenny, I mean …

  Evelyn I don’t believe you.

  Adam … I am!

  Evelyn Then we’ll have to leave it at that. Won’t we?

  They stare at one another. She touches her nose.

  Oh, and glad to hear about your trip … See you next fall.

  Adam That’s a bad joke …

  Evelyn It’s a worse lie …

  Adam What was I gonna tell them? Huh?

  Evelyn The truth?

  Adam Come on … I took shit about my new jacket! That’s all people say to me any more, ‘What’s up with you? What’s going on?’ I can’t exactly spread it around about what I’ve done …

  Evelyn What? You fell …

  Adam What’re we doing here?

  Evelyn I dunno. You tell me …

  Adam I don’t know. I really don’t …

  Evelyn Are you tired of me? ’S that it?

  Adam God, no! Are you nuts?!

  Evelyn Then I don’t get it … I don’t wanna sound ol’-fashioned here, but you’re a step away from fucking around on me …

  Adam I would never do that …

  Evelyn No, you would never do that with her, and mostly because she wouldn’t. I know the type, she needed a shoulder, well, what the hell, why not a kiss while she’s at it, and maybe a quick hand job. Who knows? But she’s not gonna screw you and you probably wouldn’t be able to get it up, anyway, because he’s your best ‘bud’. (Beat.) But lemme ask you, Adam, if it hadn’t been her, if it’d been, oh, say that ‘cute waitress’ the other night …

  Adam looks away; Evelyn doesn’t let up.

  … Didn’t think I caught that, did you? The chatty-chat and the extra three bucks on the tip.

  Adam … That was nothing.

  Evelyn It’s never anything. Until it’s something … (Beat.) If it’d been her instead … Out on that drive …

  Adam … We-didn’t-go-for-a …

  Evelyn … Whatever. But if she’d been there instead, then what? Just ask yourself.

  Adam Jesus, next you’re gonna tell me the handkerchief with the strawberries on it is missing …

  Evelyn I don’t know that reference.

  Adam Don’t worry about it. (Pleads.) Evelyn, please …

  She smiles and begins more gently.

  Evelyn I just wanna know where we stand … I thought I could trust you.

  Adam You can!

  Evelyn She’s your friend’s fiancée, Adam. I’m your girlfriend … Where’s the trust in that?

  He takes her hand suddenly.

  Adam I’ll do anything you want. Okay? I know what I did was wrong, I do, I messed up but I’ve never done that before. Lied to a person I was going out with … Shit, I haven’t even gone out with someone for the two years before we met! So, tell me what to do and I’ll do it … I just, I just don’t wanna lose you.

  Evelyn You’re sure …?

  Adam I am so sure. I love you …

  Evelyn I told you, that’s a big word …

  Adam … And I’m using it. I do, completely.

  Evelyn Anything I say?

  Adam Anything.

  Evelyn (without emotion) Give them up. As friends, both of them. No explanation. Don’t see them or speak to them again. Not ever.

  Adam … Huh?

  Evelyn That’s what I want. That’s the proof to me about how you feel …

  Adam Evelyn … That’s …

  Evelyn One should always be careful when asking to be put to a test …

  Adam … Jesus Christ …

  Evelyn So, what’s it gonna be, Adam?

  Adam And if I don’t …?

  Evelyn Pretty much like these things end. I mean, in life, at least … If this was a movie, I’d see the light eventually, but no such luck. Final answer?

  Adam stares at her for a long moment.

  Adam … I choose you.

  She pulls him close and kisses him for a long time.

  Evelyn You choose well, grasshopper …

  AN AUDITORIUM

  Phillip standing around, dressed up. Adam enters, holding a glass of punch, tries to go the other way but Phillip stops him.

  Phillip … Adam, dude, what’s up?!

  Adam (looking around) Hey, Phil. How’s it going?

  Phillip You know, okay. So, what, you don’t take my calls now?

  Adam No, I’ve been … I mean …

  Phillip ’S okay, I understand. The whole … thing …

  Adam Nah, it’s just been busy lately. At work and stuff …

  Phillip Yeah. Whatever.

  Adam Seriously. (Beat.) I need to get a seat …

  Phillip Hold on, hey … Where’s the fire?

  Adam (nervously) I just wanna … Good spot. (Beat.) Where’s Jenny?

  Phillip Funny.

  Adam What?

  Phillip Man, come on … We broke up. Broke it off, whatever. You knew that.

  Adam What? No, I, when …?

  Phillip Like, two weeks ago … Right after … You know. And I’m sorry about that. I was pissed off, but, I mean … No call for that ‘eye for an eye’ shit.

  Adam … It’s okay. But you and Jenny’re …? I can’t believe that.

  Phillip Believe it. (Beat.) She came over one day, after seeing you guys, I guess, and that was it. The ring off, and gone.

  Adam … I’m sorry.

  Phillip Listen, no hard feelings … I was looking to get out, you know that. But once you start making those plans, you know, like picking out napkins and shit, it’s almost easier to just do the thing! (Beat.) You did me a favour, really … Too young to get hitched.

  Adam I don’t know what to say …

  Phillip Don’t worry about it. (Beat.) You haven’t seen her lately, have you? Jenny, I mean …

  Adam No …

  Phillip ’Kay. Anyway, this oughta be good, huh?!

  They share a light laugh. Jenny walks up the aisle, sees them and goes for a seat.

  Adam Jenny, hi …

  Jenny Oh, Adam … Hello. Hi, Phil.

  Phillip Hey.

  Adam I’m sorry about … you guys …

  Jenny (glaring at Phil) Boy, you just can’t keep anything to yourself, can you?

  Phillip What?

  Jenny You never change … That’s what.

  She turns and walks off, taking a place in the auditorium.

  Adam What’s she …?

  Phillip It’s not, like, totally official yet … Ahh, fuck, what’re you gonna do?

  The lights flicker twice. Adam looks up.

  Adam We should find a place to …

  Phillip (looking) There’s two over there.

  Adam Umm … Maybe we shouldn’t …

  Phillip … Got it. Okay, whatever. Take care, man.

  He wanders off. Adam watches him go, then finds a place to sit.

  Lights go down, theatrical lights up. After a moment, Evelyn (dressed up for her presentation) enters crisply and smiles.

  Evelyn Good evening. Thank you for coming out tonight – it’s very cold and rainy and I’m sure this is not how most of you would choose to spend your time away from campus … On campus. So, I promise to make this presentation as quick and painless as possible, for most of you at least, and get you back home as swiftly as I can. The accompanying visual portion of this graduate thesis project is currently under review but will hopefully be available in the exhibition gallery down the hall for your perusal next week, so if you don’t stay tonight for punch and cookies, umm, please stop by and take a look at your convenience. (Smiles.) Okay, that’s the boring stuff …

  She turns over a note card.

  My task here tonight is to unveil my semester’s work, explain it and then smile and shake hands, leaving a few of you to examine it, grade it, etc. In essence, be at your mercy. Which is fine, since I realise I have been my entire academic life – at someone’s mercy, that is – which reaches back to when I was five. So be it … That’s the system and one pe
rson can’t change it … But perhaps they can make you question that system and your values just a little bit. Thus, my rather, ahh, dramatic presentation at this time. (Looks over card.) Blah-blah-blah …

  Evelyn starts to move but steps back into the light, as if she’s forgotten something.

  Oh, I almost forgot … And this is fairly personal, probably shouldn’t even do it but it really is the capper to my time here at Clarkson, so please indulge me. (Beat.) I was given an engagement ring two days ago and I haven’t answered the guy yet … So I wanted to do it this evening. Here goes. This is a beautiful stone and an amazing gesture on your part, for many reasons. By the time I’m through here, I promise that you’ll have your answer …

  She shows the ring off to the audience.

  My graduate advisor gave me this advice five months ago … ‘Strive to make art, but change the world.’ Pretty wise words, I thought, at the time, and so, being a good little student, that’s what I set out to do. As you know, every journey begins with a single step – boy, the ‘coffee cup slogans’ are coming hard and fast tonight – and so I set out to …

  She appears almost nervous, but not quite. She looks at the audience for a moment.

  As I looked around my world for something to change, I knew I’d been given a tall order. ‘Change the world.’ So, I decided to do the next best thing, which was change someone’s world. I mean, that’s a start, right? One person changes, and then another, and then, well, you get it … Crude but effective. With that in mind, I present to you this, my newest work. It is a human sculpture on which I’ve worked these past eighteen weeks, and of whom I’m very proud. I cannot legally name him tonight as he hasn’t yet signed a waiver for the various items on display in the visual portion, but it’s a small college, and a smaller town. (Laughs.) So you’ve got a pretty decent chance at guessing who it is. In fact, I’ve done all I could to be as visible as possible with him this year – I’m more of a stay-at-home person myself – since I thought that was an important aspect of his unique transformation. The piece itself – him – is untitled since I think, I hope, that it will mean something different to each of you and, frankly, anyone who sees it. His own name, however, is quite apropos.

  She turns over a large photograph from a nearby easel. The face has been blurred out.

  I did the MTV thing here on the face … This is a ‘before’ picture that I had a classmate take of us near the Pizza Hut out by the highway. That was our first official encounter after he asked me out – at his place of work, a big no-no, or so I was told – and it was here that I coaxed him into eating his first vegetarian meal. Well, as vegetarian as a spinach-and-mushroom calzone can be! He also had a salad … Anyway, he told me that, for him, it was a huge deal and it does mark the beginning of my systematic makeover, or ‘sculpting’, if you will, of my two very pliable materials of choice: the human flesh and the human will. (Beat.) I first spotted my chosen base material … It’s so funny not to use names! Sorry, but a lawyer actually told me I had to say that, ‘base material’ … On January 9th, the fifth day of winter semester, as I was actively pursuing another set of ‘base material’. (Grins.) Obviously, my current creation appeared much more right for my work and so I created a scenario that would allow for our eventual, yet seemingly random, connection.

  She scans the audience.

  Still with me? You’re very quiet … Okay. The exhibit itself will give you many first-hand examples of my efforts, some hands-on such as video tapes or sound recordings of our conversations and others more scientific in nature, as in growth charts, X-rays and accompanying data. As you can see from this photo, however, the hair, the glasses, the excessive amount of weight, offered a number of physical areas that made him unique and perfect for this project. A short list of alterations I’ve induced would include eating better and losing weight – some twenty-five pounds or more – an exercise regimen that included both cardiovascular work and weight training, the purchase of contact lenses, a complete change in hairstyles and significant wardrobe alterations as well. He even tattooed his body for me, without asking … In a highly questionable place. These are surface items, to be sure, but if I, in fact, tell you that I’m going through with it and marrying the guy, you’d probably all shake my hand and say, ‘Wow, how the hell can I do that to my boyfriend?’ but this, I’m afraid, was not done out of love or caring or concern … This was a simple matter of can I instil ‘x’ amount of change in this creature, using only manipulation as my palette knife? I made sure that nothing was ever forced during our sessions or ‘sittings’ together – I can’t really say they were dates, not on my part, although the illusion of ‘dating’ was imperative – and that his free will was always at the forefront of each decision. I coaxed, made suggestions, created the illusion of interest and desire, but never said, ‘Please do this.’ Not once. Any questions yet?

  She scans the crowd.

  Umm … You may be asking yourselves, ‘Well, did she at least tell him?’ Of course not, no, I couldn’t. Not until tonight, or he really wouldn’t be a piece of art. He would be a jilted lover, a spurned fiancé, etc. But he is more than that … He’s my creation. Now, it’ll be easy for many of you to condemn my actions as harsh, inhumane or unrealistic as you drive or walk home tonight, but remember this, like so many of you when pursuing your personal best in relationships and at work … I was interested in humanity, yes, but insistent on results above all else. How many here can say that they have never looked at their significant other and/or a business associate and said, ‘They’re perfect, they’re great, except for just one thing …’ Well, I too have taken my base materials and honed them into something new, something unique and, in the eyes and standards of society, something arguably improved. But, with the artist’s ruthless pursuit of truth and historical disregard for rule and law … I’ve gone a step further. I found that, with the right coaxing of my material – yes, ‘coaxing’ often of a sexual nature, I’ll admit – I could hone the inside of my sculpture as well as the surface. I found myself suddenly creating strong moral ambiguity where I could detect only the slightest traces before, often in direct proportion to the amount of external change. This means, as my subject became handsomer and firmer and more confident, his actions became more and more, ahh, questionable. Against medical advice, he had work done to his face, cosmetic surgery at age twenty-two, and insisted to those around him that he had merely fallen down. He also started to deceive his friends and myself with greater abandon during this period while showing increased interest in other women. Indeed, he had relations with his best friend’s fiancée and continues to harbour details from us about the incident to this day. Moreover, he was willing to give those friends up when asked, walk away from them without any further contact, after said encounter, leading me to an assumption of further wrongdoing with the young woman in question. And, as stated earlier, these universal corrections culminated in an offer of marriage to me, this coming from a confirmed, albeit young, bachelor. I call this act ‘morally questionable’ because it seems to be motivated, in my mind at least, as much out of guilt as genuine feelings for me. He has then, as I see it, been utterly and totally refashioned as a person. (Beat.) As my grandfather used to say, ‘He’s a real piece of work …’

  She holds up a large ‘after’ photo for all to see.

  And yet open any fashion magazine, turn on any television programme, and the world will tell you … He’s only gotten more interesting, more desirable, more normal. In a word, better. He is a living, breathing example of our obsession with the surface of things, the shape of them. (Beat.) Now, my work will fade, to be sure. Like chipping marble or crazing paint, it will succumb to a can of Pringles, a late morning in bed. To time itself. But for this one glorious moment, it is perfect. As perfect as I made it … (To photo.) Not bad, huh? And ladies, he is available. (To Adam.) This was a startling and unexpected gesture, but obviously, I can’t accept …

  She takes off the ring and places it on an easel.
>
  You can examine the stone and setting further when it’s placed in the exhibit. (Beat.) As for me, I have no regrets or feelings of remorse for my actions, the manufactured emotions … None of it. I have always stood by the single and simple conceit that I am an artist. Only that. I follow in a long tradition of artists who believe that there is no such concept as religion, or government, community or even family. There is only art. Art that must be created. Whatever the cost. (Beat.) With that in mind, I present you with my untitled sculpture and supporting materials tonight. Thank you.

  She takes a short bow and steps out of the light.

  AN EXHIBITION GALLERY

  Several podiums scattered about with various ‘supporting data’ on them. Evelyn standing all alone, punch in one hand, cookie in the other. After a moment, she takes a nibble. She crosses to a box of photos and browses. Adam enters and stares at her.

  Adam … Not a big ‘modern art’ crowd, I guess, huh?

  Evelyn Hey. (Beat.) Glad you stopped by …

  Adam Yeah, well, I didn’t really have anything to do … Plus, I can’t show my face in the streets, so it seemed logical.

  Evelyn Look, Adam …

  Adam Please don’t ‘Look, Adam’ me now, okay, or I might not make it through this … (Beat.) Just refer to me as ‘it’ or ‘untitled’, it’ll help me keep some perspective here …

  He wanders over and pours some punch. Stuffs a few cookies in his pocket. Shoves three in his mouth and chews them down.

  … That’s gonna shoot some piece of data all to shit, isn’t it?

  Evelyn Doesn’t matter now, do what you want … You’re finished.

  Adam ‘You’re finished.’ Wow. (Considers.) Most people just say, ‘Hey, sorry, can’t marry you.’ And they say it in private …

  Evelyn … Yeah, that might’ve been a bit too far.

  Adam Oh shit, Evelyn, you are so beyond ‘far’ that you’re in danger of hitting Uranus. And I mean the planet …

  Evelyn (smiling) See, you’re still funny …

  Adam Just stop, alright? I was never funny, ever, or goodlooking or clever. I was nothing until you started dicking around with me. I admit it. No-thing. But you know what? I was absolutely fine with that …