by Neil LaBute
They laugh together again and then don’t know what to say next. They decide to take a bite of their meals instead.
How’s that spinach coming along?
Man Mmm … so darn good!
Woman Looks great.
Man Yeah. Yummy.
Woman The pizza’s terrific here. I come by all the time for it …
Man I’ll bet. (Looks over at her.) I just mean … you know. If it’s so good, I would understand. That. (Beat.) Please-help-me …
Woman I get what you meant.
Man Great.
Woman You shouldn’t be so nervous … I mean, if we’re gonna start dating.
Man What?
Woman It’s a joke.
Man Oh, right. Got it. Little slow!
They laugh together. He looks around, self-consciously.
Woman I’m sorry. You should’ve seen your face …
Man What? No …
Woman I thought you were gonna choke on your avocado there …
Man That’s not true, come on …
Woman Pretty close.
Man No, that’s not … why would you say that? You just caught me off guard is all. Seriously.
Woman Anyway, I was just playing. Big people are jolly, remember?
Man Umm-hmm …
Woman It’s one of our best qualities.
Man Well, at least you’ve got one.
Woman And you don’t?
Man Ahhh … open for debate.
Woman Really?
Man I mean … you know, if I really had to come up with one, for, say, the big guy upstairs or whatever, I’d probably do something like, ‘does not run with scissors’ or one of those … ‘plays well with others’.
Woman Really? Handsome guy like you and that’s all you’re good for … to look at?
Man Pretty much.
Woman Good to know. (Opens a pudding.) You want one?
Man Nah, I shouldn’t …
Woman Why?
Man Excellent question. Okay.
He takes a tub of rice pudding from her and digs in.
Woman Good?
Man Mmm … wonderful. Haven’t done that in ages.
Woman What?
Man Enjoyed myself. Like that. Put something in my mouth without reading the back label like some Bible scholar …
He gives an example – holding the pudding up to the light as if it was an antiquity and squinting at it. Examining it from all angles. This makes her laugh again. A lot.
Alright, OK, we’re gonna have to ask you to leave … you’re actually enjoying yourself during the work week.
Woman Right! Sorry …
Man No, It’s, I told you, I love your laugh.
Woman Thanks. Again.
Man You’re welcome … again.
Woman So … no other good qualities, huh?
Man Ahh, I suppose. Faithful friend and co-worker, dependable, takes directions well.
Woman What about good lover? Not on the list?
The Man stares at her, glances around. She keeps looking right at him.
Man That’s very direct …
Woman Librarians are funny people.
Man I guess … I shouldn’t’ve let my card lapse!
Woman So?
Man Umm … I’m OK. I mean, no reports of absolute dissatisfaction, but I don’t think I’m, like, Valentino or anything.
Woman He died really unhappy, though. I’ve read his biography.
Man One of the perks of the job …
Woman Right! I’ve read just about every biography in the place, actually. Real people interest me. I don’t really have much time for fiction. ‘Fiction is for the weak and faint of heart.’ Somebody said that, a Frenchman, I think.
Man Cool …
Woman Anyway, you don’t have to answer the question. It was rude.
Man No, I … I mean, I sort of did.
Woman And you’re what? Just OK?
Man Something like that … I do fine! Wow. I’ve never … been asked that before. In that way.
Woman No?
Man Not at lunch, anyhow! (Beat.) It’s kind of invigorating, actually. You seem like a really … I don’t know. An interesting person, I guess.
They laugh together again. Really enjoying themselves.
Woman You should swing by the library some time. See what you’ve been missing …
Man Yeah. Listen, I’m … I need to get back to the office. Downtown. So I should finish up my, ahhh …
Woman Course. (Beat.) Sorry if I was …
Man No, no, it was … but could we … I don’t know what I’m asking here. Should we see each other again?
Woman Why?
Man I dunno … I mean, I’m just, it’d be good, I think. You seem really nice and I’m … what can I say, I’m just asking … sort of outta the blue. So, could we? (Beat.) I’m not trying to pick you up or anything, I just …
Woman Too bad. (Smiles.) Yes. We should.
Man For lunch? Or, umm, dinner …?
Woman I don’t only eat. I can be coaxed into doing other stuff, too …
Man Of course! I didn’t mean …
Woman I know. It’s a joke.
Man Right, sure … I’m really striking out on the humor part here!
Woman You’re doing fine … (Beat.) So when?
Man Any time.
Woman How about Friday? I’m good for Fridays, my day off.
Man Umm, yeah. Evening.
Woman Great.
She reaches over and takes a pen out of his shirt pocket and writes her number down on the edge of a napkin.
Now when you wipe your mouth you’ll think of me.
Man Good plan. (Beat.) So, OK, library lady, I’ll call you …
Woman Helen. My name’s ‘Helen’.
Man As in ‘of Troy?’ (Groans.) That was so lame, sorry …
Woman Right, the thousand ships and all. But that was just so they could carry me back –
He stands there, thinking about this. Doesn’t get it.
– because it would take that many to lift me … don’t worry about it.
Man Oh, I see. (Laughs.) I got it!
Woman Yeah. Just trying to be cute.
Man No, yes, I get it now … but you shouldn’t do that, though. Make fun of yourself so much.
Woman Why not?
Man Umm … I’m sure there’s a very good reason. I’ll get back to you.
Woman You do that. You’ve got my number there …
Man Right. I’ll call you. And I’m Tom, by the way.
Woman I’ll see you. Tom.
She wanders off with her tray and her bag. The Man stands alone. After a moment, she returns. Walks right up to the Man and gets close.
So, look, I figure there’s every reason why I’ll never hear from you again, and that’s why I came back here … just to say that I don’t do this, come after guys or anything, not like some regular habit or whatever, so I thought you should know that. I think you’re really cute and nice and that sort of thing … you might have a girlfriend already or not be attracted to me, I would just totally understand that, I would, but I really do hope you call me. Just even to talk on the phone would be fine, because I’d like that, if we were only these phone buddies … I think I would. Just … don’t be afraid, Tom, I guess that’ s why I came back here to say that. Please do not let yourself be afraid of me or of taking some kind of blind chance, or what people think … because this could be so great.
She smiles at him and does what she promised: wanders out of the joint. He watches her go, waves when she nears the door.
The Man goes back to eating the pudding and then looks up, off in the direction that she left in. He slowly folds the napkin up and pockets it.
BACK TO BUSINESS AND UNDER SUSPICION
Tom at his place of work. Busy doing something. Another guy enters, carrying some files and a cup of coffee. He throws himself down in a chair. His name is Carter.
Carter … So you’re not gon
na tell me, right? Anything else, I mean.
Tom No, I’ll … you know …
Carter Uh-uh, no you won’t. I know you.
Tom That’s not true, I always tell you crap! All kinds of crap about me.
Carter Yeah, but not the good stuff that I wanna hear. The dirt.
Tom I don’t have dirt …
Carter Everybody’s got dirt, my friend! We’re dirty, us folks. Very dirty.
Tom Who’s ‘us folks’?
Carter People. You-and-me type people.
Tom It’s not … this is not some nasty thing that I’m trying to keep from you. Seriously.
Carter … OK then, so?
Tom This is just … it’s new, that’s all. I don’t know what it is yet, so …
Carter So, like I said, you’re not gonna tell me shit.
Tom Kinda. Yeah.
Carter Fine. I don’t care.
Tom Bull … you’re dying to hear.
Carter Yes, but I’ll wait. I’ll hire some private eye or whatnot, get the scoop that way. Whatever it takes.
Tom Come on! I just wanna see what it is first, if it’s worth talking to anyone about or not. What I will say right now is that I am very happy …
Carter OK, now you’re frightening me …
Tom What?
Carter I don’t like it when you get all upbeat! Then it’s like girlfriend city, and that’s scary.
Tom It’s not scary …
Carter This is when we lose you for weeks at a time. Tom gets a lady friend and he drops off the map, I know how this one works …
Tom I’m not at all like that!
Carter Yes, you are …
Tom No, uh-uh. If anybody is, you are.
Carter Yeah, but that’s for good reason. I’m actually having sex with them.
Tom Very funny.
Carter Seriously.
Tom Shut the hell up! I have sex …
Carter Uh-uh, ‘oral’ doesn’t count … and especially for someone who thinks it means talking a person to death.
Tom Hooo … funny! (Beat.) Are you in here for an actual reason?
Carter I’m sure I had one when I started down the hall.
Tom Perfect …
Carter Oh, yeah, now I recall. Because I was bored in my office … (Beat.) Plus, you have nicer windows.
Tom Feel free to open one and jump …
Carter Tommy, you are so clever!
Tom Seriously, though, I’ve got work.
Carter I’ve got work, too. We’ve all got work, Tom, that’s why they call it that. ‘Work’. Because that’s what we do here.
Tom I agree. And I want to get back to mine …
Carter Fine. (Picks up a ball.) Dollar a point?
Tom nods and the two men break into a lazy game of Nerf ‘pig’. The hoop hangs on the back of Tom’s door.
A female co-worker walks in, carrying a stack of reports – ruins the game. She stops at Tom’s desk and drops a few. Smiles. Carter eyes her, then speaks.
Co-Worker Hello. Morning, Tom …
Tom Hey, Jeannie.
Jeannie Hi. (Drops off muffin.) Snagged you the last muffin …
Tom Oh, wow. (Glances at Carter.) Thanks.
Jeannie No prob.
Carter I’m sure mine’s being toasted. (Waits.) Kidding. Guess what?
Jeannie What?
Carter I said guess.
Jeannie Ummm … you’re an asshole?
Tom giggles out loud at this one. Carter blushes, then regroups. The girl smiles over at Tom.
Tom Aaah, you cheated! Somebody gave you the answers …
Jeannie Exactly!
Carter You guys are hilarious.
Jeannie What is it? I need to get back.
Carter OK, then don’t worry about it.
Jeannie Just tell me. What?
Carter Need-to-know basis. Tom’s got a gal.
Tom Would you shut up!
Carter Word on the street …
Tom Carter, seriously …
Jeannie Really? (To Tom.) That’s not true, right?
Tom No … he’s just being a dick.
Carter Am not! I mean, yes, I am a dick sometimes, but not at the moment.
Jeannie Tom …?
Carter He does.
Tom I do not.
Carter It’s what I heard …
Tom Carter, knock it off. Jeannie, he’s just trying to …
Jeannie stands there for a bit longer, looking back and forth between the men. Finally she saunters out.
You prick.
Carter What?
Tom That’s not funny.
Carter It was pretty damn funny from over here …
Tom I’m serious.
Carter Me, too. Try sitting on the couch and see if it’s any funnier. (He moves over.) Plenty of room.
Tom You know we’ve been dating …
Carter Of course. I-know-all.
Tom I mean it. You know how she gets.
Carter Yes, I know … (Beat.) Why do you think I said something? I’m not gonna tell the snack shop guy out front … I mean, why the fuck would he care?
Tom You are a piece of work, you know that?
Carter I try. (Beat.) Anyway, that’s what you can expect, by the way. Mean-spirited shit like that until you tell me who she is.
Tom I’m not gonna say a damn thing now …
Carter Your choice. But I’ll find out, I promise …
Tom Yeah, yeah …
Carter And then up goes her Polaroid in the break room.
Tom Fucker.
Carter Maybe. After you’re through with her, of course …
Tom Shut up and go back to your lair, Satan. Begone.
Carter Okay. (Beat.) Hey, seriously though … does Jeannie look kind of soft to you?
Tom What?
Carter A minute ago … doesn’t she look a bit sloppy or something? In her ass, I’m saying. A couple of pounds.
Tom … No …
Carter Come on, I’m just talking. It’s not a judgement on you.
Tom I know, but … I’m not obsessed by bodies the way you are. I’m not.
Carter I don’t know what it is, but I was noticing yesterday. She came in to my office with her suit jacket off and had on one of those, you know, flimsy pair of slacks, with no seam up the rear and … I seriously think her backside isn’t as taut as it used to be.
Tom Dude, you need some help …
Carter What? It’s an observation, that’s all … Her ass is right there. I can’t help it if I observe things.
Tom No, but you can keep it to yourself! And your therapist, who I hope you’re still seeing …
Carter Nah, that shit was too expensive. Plus, she was a total bitch.
Tom Nice.
Carter It’s not, like, some derogatory thing I’m saying about her – not the therapist cunt, but Jeannie – it’s just an idle thought. That’s the problem with winter: chicks don’t get out much and they bloat up …
Tom OK, I really can’t deal with you right now, so … go.
Carter Whatever. We on for basketball tomorrow? Chad can’t make it any other time …
Tom Ahh, yeah. But after nine, OK? I’ve got a dinner thing. (Off Carter’s look.) For work, dumb-shit.
Carter Sure.
Tom It is! I’ve got those folks from the, ahhh … you know …
Carter No, what?
Tom The Chicago group is coming into town. (Beat.) They are …
Carter Cool. I’ll email the other guys and meet you at the Y. See ya.
He finally gets up and saunters over to Tom – a quick ‘high-five’ and Carter exits. Tom returns to his work as Carter looks back inside the room.
I’m swinging past the restaurant to check, so you better be telling the truth …
Tom Asshole.
Carter That’s me. But when I get my PhD it’ll be Dr Asshole, so, hey. Something to look forward to …
He is gone. Tom shakes his head and gets back to the files that Je
annie has left. A minute later he looks up to see her standing in his doorway.
Jeannie Hey. (Smiles.)
Tom Oh, hi. There.
Jeannie Got a minute?
Tom Sure.
Jeannie I forgot some …
She holds up an extra file.
Forgot this one.
Tom Ah. Thanks.
Jeannie Oh, I, umm, I went on Ticketmaster and they still have those Coldplay seats, so …
Tom Really? Orchestra?
Jeannie Uh-huh, yeah. A few pairs …
Tom Huh. I thought I checked all the … Maybe they … Hmm. (Beat.) Cool. I’ll …
He gets up and crosses to her, reaching for the folder. She holds it a moment and they both tug on it.
Jeannie So … is it true, what he said?
Tom Who, Carter?
Jeannie Yeah.
Tom Umm …
Jeannie Oh. (Beat.) So where does that put us, then? I mean, I thought …
Tom No, I’m not saying it’s … He’s an idiot, so, you know, you have to make some allowances.
Jeannie Right. (Grins.) That’s true …
Tom But … I don’t know what I’m doing. You know that. I’m …
Jeannie Yes, I do. All while we’ve been going out I could tell that, but I still liked you. Gave you a million or so chances, but … hey. Whatever.
Tom I know that, Jeannie, I know, I’m just … It’s complicated.
Jeannie I’m not saying that I’m some, you know, beauty queen, but guys do like me. They really, really do.
Tom I know, come on … please. I like you. Don’t say it like that.
Jeannie Yeah, well … I wish you’d fire up a signal flare every now and then. (Smiles.) Could use it over here …
Tom Sorry. I do, though …
Jeannie Doesn’t seem like it. I mean, I’ve tried sweet and forceful and, you know, nonchalant. Everything. I don’t get it. What do you want me to do here?
Tom Nothing. I’m …
Jeannie What? (Beat.) So, just tell me. Is he lying or not?
Tom Carter is … I mean, by nature he’s a liar. You know that. He likes to provoke people. Get ’em riled up.
Jeannie Which says nothing.
Tom Jeannie, come on …
Jeannie So you are.
Tom I’m not … no. I’m not ‘seeing’ any other person, alright? Promise.
Jeannie Look, I’m just asking, so don’t make it seem like I’m pulling on your eye teeth or something. If you don’t wanna tell me, then OK.
Tom I’m saying it, to you, right now.
Jeannie Yeah, but …
Tom Carter’s an ass. He’s …
Jeannie … So why do you hang out with him then? Huh? All those guys down in Development. (Beat.) Why?