by Neil LaBute
Carter walks in and stops cold. Sees Jeannie on the phone and with address book in hand. He smiles.
Sorry, gotta go, I’ve got another call coming in. (Clicks a button.) Yes, this is Tom Sullivan’s phone. I’m sorry, no, he’s not here right now. Can I take a message? Fine, try after lunch and I’m sure he’ll be back. Thanks very much. Bye.
She turns and looks at Carter. Slips the address book on the desk as casually as possible.
I had to pick up some, you know –
Carter Sure.
Jeannie – and Tom’s phone rang. It rang and so I took the call but then another one came in … a call … just as you were …
Carter That last one?
Jeannie Yes, the one that I just finished. With.
Carter Cool.
Jeannie Good.
Carter Just so you know, though, I mean, in case somebody else walks in on you as you’re going through Tom’s personal items in a jealous-like frenzy – these office phones? The little button there lights up when a call comes in. That’s how I knew you were bullshitting at the end … no light. Your performance was actually pretty good.
Jeannie Oh … fuck off, Carter.
Carter I promise I won’t tell him.
Jeannie His phone did ring and I answered it … the other thing was just because I got a little flustered when you walked in and so I … whatever. Don’t worry about it.
Carter I’m not worried. I’m … what’s the word?
Jeannie A ‘douchebag’?
Carter No, thanks, good try but that’s not it … it’s more like … ‘intrigued’. I am very much intrigued.
Jeannie Listen, I came in here and I had some … files to get … and that’s why …
Carter And you thought they might be tucked in his desk or inside his address book, so naturally … No, I get it now …
Jeannie Carter, just leave it, OK? (Beat.) Please?
Carter Sure. Of course. (Beat.) Absolutely. If.
Jeannie ‘If’ what?
Carter Oh, I dunno, lemme think … keeping my big mouth shut for … you’re talking about for all time, correct, not just today or like that but forever? Tom never knowing that you were in here and rifling through his things? Right?
Jeannie That’s the idea. (Beat.) So come on! What?
Carter Okay, so that’s lying to my friend and … suppressing evidence, aiding and abetting a known felon … Shit, that’s a lot of bad stuff you’re asking of me, Jeannie.
Jeannie Just go! I know you want something so say it. (Beat.) GO!
Carter I could prob’ly do it for – maybe – a kiss.
Jeannie What?!
Carter No tongue.
Jeannie Are you fucking nuts?!
Carter No, I just worry that a week from now I’m sitting with Tom and I have one too many Amstel Lights – which are really good, by the way, don’t know if you’ve had one but they’re great, never bitter – I see me all shit-faced and I slip and say something. That would be bad, it really would, but I feel like I could keep my admittedly big mouth shut for the price of a single kiss from you. Open mouth, no cheating. But as promised, sans any tongue-age. No French action. At all. (Beat.) Do we have a deal?
Jeannie … You can’t be serious …
Carter Totally. (Beat.) Anyway, what do you care? You guys aren’t even officially going out any more – don’t hit me, I didn’t make it happen – just think of this as … some sort of community service. Or being drafted.
Jeannie I’d rather tell him myself!
Carter Yeah?
Jeannie Than kiss you?! Without question.
Carter Great. Lemme get a good seat for this –
He goes to the couch and gets comfy. Settles back. Smiles up at Jeannie.
– just act like I’m not here.
Jeannie You’re not funny. You do know that, don’t you? Carter?
Carter Yes. I am reminded of it on a fairly regular basis by various colleagues. Women that I date. My parents. People on the street, even … (Beat.) Children …
Jeannie Okay!
Carter So, yeah, I get it. Not funny.
Jeannie Good. Just so you know.
Carter ‘Not funny at all.’ Check.
It’s a Mexican stand-off now. Jeannie tries to think of an alternative but finally lets out a screech and stomps her foot. Gestures to him.
Jeannie OK, OK, shit! AHH! Just hurry up!
Carter Awesome!
Jeannie Don’t get all … God, just … eww …
Carter Wait …
Takes a hit of breath spray.
There.
Offers it to her.
Want a shot? It’s even got retsin in it; it’s nice. Minty.
Jeannie Just do it! He’ll be back soon!
Carter Fine, so you wanna embrace or should we maybe just … sit and be casual …?
Jeannie Fucking kiss me, you jackass! NOW!
Carter starts to say something else but she grabs him and gives him the real deal – there’s no mistaking what just took place. Some kind of ‘moment’.
They pull apart but remain close. Looking at each other.
There. Satisfied?
Carter My God … I’m blushing. You hussy.
Jeannie Oh, stop! Are we done here?
Carter I don’t know … I suddenly feel all … dirty inside. (Beat.) Some people might call that an ‘assault’, you know.
Jeannie Shut up. You’re such an asshole – and you loved it, by the way.
Carter OK, you’ve seen through my disguise. (He smiles.) So when do we send out the … you know? Whatdoyoucallems?
Jeannie What?
Carter Wedding announcements.
Jeannie Umm, let’s see, today is Tuesday, so … three weeks would be … Ahh, never! Loser.
Carter Yeah? Well, I have two canker sores, so who’s the loser now?
Jeannie I hate you …
Carter Sticks and stones, baby, sticks and …
Jeannie kicks him in the leg and walks out in a snit.
Oww! Why does bad shit happen any time I use that phrase?! Seriously. Any time!
He limps over to the couch and sits down. nursing his leg as Jeannie returns. She approaches him and grabs him up by his collar. Right in his face.
Jeannie And you say a word, I mean it, one fucking word about any of this – the call or the kiss, anything – and I will pull your ball sac up over your head like it was a hoodie. From behind. (Right in his face.) Do you get that? Do you?!
Carter Is that even possible? I mean, I get it but, come on … seriously?
Jeannie Try me.
Jeannie stomps off. Carter watches her go, then sits back on the couch. He mimes trying the idea of his balls being pulled over his face. Shakes his head. He’s unconvinced.
A moment later Tom walks in. Whistling. Stops dead when he sees Carter.
Carter Can’t do it. (On Tom’s entrance.) Hey, buddy!
Tom Hi, Carter. Do you ever knock?
Carter Seems like a lot of wasted energy … (Beat.) Hope you don’t mind, I was just camping out on the ol’ couch here for a moment. Had a real scare earlier …
Tom Yeah, what happened?
Carter You wouldn’t believe it – I was just in the hall, minding my own business, and –
He’s about to say something when Jeannie pokes her head in the door. Looks right at Carter.
Jeannie Like-a-hoodie. Just so we’re clear.
Carter Of course! Thanks!
Jeannie I’m not kidding.
Carter No, yeah, I mean, if you’re going shopping then yes, I could use … that hoodie. That’s very kind of you, Jeannie. Thanks.
Jeannie My pleasure. (To Tom.) Hey, Tom. Hope you had a good lunch. Whenever. With whomever you were wherever at. For however long … I hope it was yummy. So so yummy for you.
And with that she is gone again – Carter looks seriously frightened now.
Tom … What the hell was that?
Carter Dude, I think she’s
possessed. Seriously.
Tom Shut up …
Carter Yeah, well, if she comes in here and gets all pea-soup vomity on you later, do not say I didn’t warn you …
Tom Idiot. (About Jeannie.) I didn’t understand a single word she said just then.
Carter Me either.
Tom And what’s all the ‘hoodie’ thing she was going on about? Hmm?
Carter … Oh that.
Tom Yeah, ‘that’. What?
Carter Nothing, no, I just mentioned that I was in need of one and she said that she was gonna go shopping at lunch and so she’d grab me one while she was out … (Beat.) I hear the weather’s gonna turn. Later today. (Beat.) Chilly.
Tom Oh.
Carter Yep. So that’s all that was … Yeah.
Tom Are you lying to me? What is up with you two?
Carter Nothing! Dude, would I bullshit you?
Tom Of course. Any time, for no reason. Yes.
Carter OK, you got me. (Beat.) But I’m not!
Tom I do not believe you. Come on, man … what’s going on?
Carter Nothing. Promise.
Tom Carter …
Carter Dude … Shhh … (Holds up a finger.) She’s like a jackal! She just appears.
Carter sneaks over to the door and looks both ways. He seems satisfied and returns to Tom.
Tom What’re you doing?
Carter OK, it’s clear. So listen, earlier I was –
And like clockwork, Jeannie returns with some files. She clears her throat. Carter screams like a schoolgirl and jumps behind Tom.
(Pointing at her.) AWWW! You’re a witch! Be gone with you!
Tom What is going on here?!
Carter Save me, Tom, save me …!
Jeannie I have files for you, I don’t know what goes through the mind of your retarded colleague …
Carter I’m not retarded! I’m not! I was diagnosed as ADHD and I only rode on the short bus because of zoning patterns! (Beat.) I’m sorry … that might be more than either of you needed to know. I’m going back to my area now …
He finally steps out from behind Tom and moves cautiously toward Jeannie.
If you’ll excuse me?
Jeannie Of course. (She steps aside.) Go on.
He moves toward Jeannie. She makes a sudden move at him and he jumps. She laughs.
Carter Stop that! You’re only embarrassing yourself …
Jeannie Really? How?
Carter By being … Because … I don’t know! I thought that phrase stood by itself!
Jeannie It doesn’t.
Carter Then fine!
Jeannie Fine.
Carter You’re … Tom, jump in here and help …
Tom Carter … Jeannie, I don’t mean to put too fine a point on it, but … what the fuck’s going on?!
Jeannie Carter?
Tom Please? Somebody.
Carter Jeannie’s trying to … I mean … we were … nothing! It’s just this sexual tensiony thing we’ve always got between us … Can’t help it. Sorry. It’s just a yoke that we both carry around! Forgive us!
With that Carter scoots out of the room and disappears. Tom watches him go, then turns to Jeannie.
Tom You guys have sexual tension? Really? I never realized that …
Jeannie Yeah, like Fred and Ethel.
Tom Ha! (Smiles.) I Love Lucy, right? Nice to see you joking around and actually acting like yourself again.
Jeannie Of course. No hard feelings here. About anything. Ever.
Tom Good.
Jeannie Just because you’re dating somebody else and you didn’t have the decency to even let me know. That’s cool.
Tom Jeannie, that’s not … Let’s not do this again. Let’s have lunch and talk … or …
Jeannie When?
Tom Soon.
Jeannie When soon? Tomorrow?
Tom Umm … can’t tomorrow.
Jeannie The next day? Thursday?
Tom Some time. This week, maybe, or first of next. I promise.
Jeannie Yeah …
Tom I do! We will deal with it. ’Kay?
Jeannie Sure. Like Coldplay.
Tom I did call about that! I just … ahhh …
Jeannie Doesn’t matter. I got the tickets. Do you still wanna go? (Beat.) Even as friends?
Tom Maybe.
Jeannie ‘Maybe’? Maybe what? Why is it always a ‘maybe’ with you or a, a, a ‘we’ll see’? Hmm? Do you need to call Susan and ask permission? Just be a man, God!
Tom Who? Call who?
Jeannie What? (Beat.) Nothing. Susan. Your mom.
Tom Why’re you … how’d you know my mom’s name is Susan?
Jeannie What? (Beat.) Of course it is. It’s Susan Sullivan. I mean, God, we only dated for, you know … however long … like I wouldn’t know your mom’s name! We girls ask about things like that because they matter to us, the little details in life, OK? That is how I know, because I care about you! That’s how! (Beat.) Shit, I can’t believe you’d even question me about something like that! How insensitive …
Tom OK, sorry, I just don’t remember telling –
Jeannie You don’t seem to remember a lot of crap, Tom. Like how great it was when it was … great. Between us. That’s because you’re a guy and you don’t know things even if you think you do. You don’t know when a concert is or, or, like, the first names of mothers because all that you care for is yourself whereas I know your favourite foods and your mother’s name and, and … that you even liked ponies when you were a boy! I know that because I listen and because I care! Okay?! (Gives him files.) Take ’em! I carried them all the way down here from Word Processing to you and why? Because I care, Tom! That’s why! I care!
She stomps off and out. Tom stands there dumbfounded. He hasn’t understood anything from when he walked into his office. Suddenly she returns.
… They’re playing next Thursday over at the Coliseum and the National is opening for them. We could go late and get some dinner or just eat there. I leave it up to you. I’m just putting it out there – putting myself out there once again. One more time because I am a beautiful and loving person and I don’t hold a fucking grudge … (Beat.) Lemme know by the end of business today or I’m gonna ask somebody else!
Tom Alright, umm … when is it again?
Jeannie God! You know what?! Don’t worry about it.
Tom Jeannie, that’s not … I just didn’t know the date of the …!
She’s already gone.
Good talk. Thanks.
And off she goes again. Tom shakes his head and goes to his desk, very confused. Finds his address book out on his desk top. Looks around, checks his stuff. Puts it away. Looks up to see Helen in the doorway. Jumps up.
Helen … Geez, you even have windows.
Tom Helen!
Helen Hi there.
Tom Hey! This is … really … Come in, come in!
He ushers her into his office and sits her on the couch. Checks both ways out the door.
Helen Surprised?
Tom Very. Yes. A lot. So … they just let you right past security? I mean, usually …
Helen No, I asked for you. Somebody said your office was this way and I could go back if I wanted to.
Tom Good. Great. That’s … very …
Helen You left your phone. So. I … I was gonna call and tell you but then … Hey. (Holds up phone.) I have it! Your phone, I mean, so that was a bad plan. And I don’t know the number at your work. Here. Since you never gave it to me …
Tom Sorry. I just figured … with my cell …
Helen Of course! No biggie. You don’t have the number to the library, either. I mean … do you?
Tom No …
Helen Good, ’cause that’d be weird. Sort of. Nobody has the number to libraries in their phones … except maybe the elderly.
They both smile at this – not sure what to do next.
Tom True! (Checks his watch.) Anyway … so I left it there? Gawd, that’s so stupid!
/> Helen No, you were just in a hurry, said you had to get back and so that was … but I was getting ready to leave – I used the rest room before I left, probably way too much info for you there – and the waitress came over with it. Said she found it on the table next to us – I guess you put it there when we ate. That was nice, right?
Tom Very. So … cool. And then you came all the way over here to …? You’re so sweet!
Helen Hey. That’s me. ‘Sweet.’
He sits with her for a minute, gives her a quick kiss on the mouth.
Tom I love your perfume.
Another peck on the cheek.
There. That’s your reward.
Helen Thanks. I was hoping for a fifty but I suppose that’ll do …
Tom And … I wasn’t finished yet … I’m gonna throw caution to the wind and take you back out. Right now. For a, a … a bite!
Helen Tom, we just ate. Even I’m full …
Tom No, I know! But I felt bad that we didn’t get a chance for any dessert so let’s do that now. Okay? (Beat.) I hated having to leave you there before, and I wanna make it up to you – let’s go over there to the, um, Cheescake Factory and get something tasty. Like … cheesecake. It’ll be fun!
Helen You sure? I mean … I don’t wanna …
Tom No, it’s great! I hate being all cooped up here – Let’s do it!
Helen OK, but … you wanna show me around first or anything? Lemme see how the other half lives?