by Janet Dailey
"You've evidently seen a great deal of Lee Walters in these last few months." Rad's statement brought Lainie's head up with a jerk, not so much because of the ending of the silence but because of the ominous quiet in his voice.
"Yes, I have." Lainie inhaled on her cigarette deeply. She deliberately exhaled the smoke so that it would make a cloud between them.
"Did you know how he felt about you?"
"Yes." Her teeth bit off the end of the word as she guessed the purpose of this cross-examination.
"And what are your feelings toward him?"
The cigarette smoke began dissipating into the air and she no longer had a barrier between her and his searching eyes.
"Does it really matter?" she asked bitterly.
His expression became grim and forbidding. The words were already forming on her lips to deny that Lee meant anything more than a friend. Then she remembered how certain Rad had been of her last night; how sure he had been that after a few minutes in his arms she would capitulate to anything he requested.
"I've grown very fond of Lee. It was an affection that was in the growing stages." She marveled at the way she was able to meet his eyes so easily. "Given time, it probably would have matured into love." A bittersweet smile played at the corner of her mouth. "A quiet, comfortable love, like the warmth of a fire in a cold world, something you could snuggle up to. I always felt safe with Lee. He was a haven, dependable, always there when I needed him. I could always count on him to protect me, to stand up for me."
The glint in his eye reminded her that it had been Rad who had sprung to her defense, and Lee had been the one who had attacked her. She regretted her choice of words.
"And you don't believe I would protect you?" He mocked her openly.
"With you, I always have the feeling I'm hanging over the edge of a precipice and no one is there to rescue me." Lainie refused to let his amusement daunt her. "You're quite capable of protecting me from everything but yourself."
"And after last night-" his half-closed eyes roamed over the upper portion of her body with a thoroughness that seemed to strip away her clothing; a burning rush of color filled her cheeks "-after last night, you still want to be protected from me?"
With a slightly lurching movement Lainie rose from the table, feeling like a wild animal trying to flee from its captor. She grabbed her brown leather coat, which she had substituted for her leopard skin one, and dashed out of the room, knowing that Rad would be delayed from following her by taking care of their bill. She hated the knowing look that had been in his eyes, but not nearly as much as she hated herself for giving him the knowledge to put it there. Outside she glanced frantically around for a taxi, but there was none in sight. She had taken two steps toward the bus stop when her arm was seized violently. Rad spun her around and shoved her in the direction of the parking lot, maintaining his viselike grip on her arm. She wanted to scream and scratch and claw her way free, but she knew it was useless. She submitted weakly as he propelled her to his car.
Rad didn't start the motor immediately. He stared instead at Lainie, who looked unblinkingly straight ahead. A peculiar numbness possessed her as she waited for the repercussions to start raining about her head. His hand reached out and turned her chin toward him, and the touch of his hand on her skin brought her senses to life, chasing away the numbness. Lainie moved backward to escape his touch before she dissolved into his arms.
"I believe you meant that," he said quietly. A blankness had come into his eyes when she had moved away from him. "But you ask the impossible. For the time being you might as well erase your mind of any thoughts about Lee Walters."
"Why did you come back into my life, Rad?" Her voice quivered uncontrollably.
"You were the one who came back into my life. You came to me for my help.
"You could have just given me the money and let me go."
"I could have," he agreed calmly. There was a scorching intentness in the way he studied her. "I probably would have if-"
"If what?" Lainie persisted.
Rad took her hand and slowly pulled her toward him, until she was nearly in his arms. Then he placed her hand underneath his overcoat against his blue-striped shirt. Unwillingly she felt the swift, beat of his heart beneath her hand, contradicting his cool expression.
"If you still didn't have the ability to do this to me," he said. "You must be the original shrew, but this time I won't let you get under my skin."
She pulled away from him. And Rad didn't make any attempt to hold her. He seemed to accept the fact that their conversation was at an end. Lainie was hurt, confused and ashamed by the discovery that he had taken her back for physical reasons. Individually she meant nothing to him, yet nonetheless she still loved him. He was arrogant, cruel and callous, taking what he wanted from her and indifferent to any pain he was causing her.
This morning she had looked upon the desire he felt for her as a foothold to make their marriage work. The affection and love was all one-sided, and that tipped the scale against her. Lainie glanced out the window of the car, weaving in and out of traffic. She was reminded of her journey less than twenty-four hours before.
"Why aren't you living at our house anymore?" The question that had been unasked the night before came to the forefront.
"It was too big and inconvenient," he replied sharply. "I sold it about a year after you left."
"You sold it!"
"You surely didn't think I'd keep it for sentimental reasons? There were very few good things that happened in that house." He glanced at her cynically.
Lainie agreed, but she did so silently. What happiness they had known had been at the cabin in the mountains where they had gone for their honeymoon. Love must have clouded her eyes, because then her husband had appeared to be a very tender and loving man, nothing like the embittered person beside her.
They arrived at the apartment building a few minutes later. Rad unloaded her suitcases and placed them on the pavement. She waited expectantly by the glass doors for him to accompany her inside, but he walked back instead to the car.
"I have a couple of meetings to attend this afternoon," he tossed over his shoulder. "I'll be back in time for dinner. Send Dickerson down for the luggage."
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Chapter 7
IT WAS A LONG and uneventful afternoon. Lainie filled most of it with unpacking, arranging her clothes in the drawers allotted her by Mrs. Dudley. She called the hospital, discovered that Rad had already given them her change of address and phone number, and talked with her mother. Again she didn't mention that she was back with Rad, not finding any words to make it sound right. Finally she took a long relaxing bath, filling the tub with mounds of bubbles before finally dressing for dinner.
She chose a long skirt of black and gold plaid with a wide buckled belt at the waist, and wrapped several strands of long chains around her neck to complement the black turtleneck top. She spent nearly another hour in front of the mirror trying to decide how to style her hair. Her indecision stemmed from the desire to avoid meeting Rad again.
When she finally entered the living room, Lainie had chosen to sweep her hair on top of her head in a bun, a severe style that was harsh to her angular features. The evening paper was lying neatly folded on the coffee table-courtesy, no doubt, of Dickerson, Lainie thought irritatedly. She picked it up and leafed through it with desultory interest. Dickerson appeared almost instantly, offering her a glass of sherry, which she accepted. He informed her that dinner would be ready as soon as Mr. MacLeod had arrived home.
Rad came a few minutes later. He brushed away the sherry that Dickerson offered and walked immediately to the bar, where he mixed himself a martini. Lainie continued leafing through the newspaper, refusing to show undue interest in his arrival, even though her heart had increased its pace when he walked in the door.
"Have you settled in?" His voice came from behind the sofa where Lainie sat.
"Yes, thank you. How did your meetings
go?" She refused to be drawn in by his baiting tone and kept her voice deliberately light.
"They were satisfactory enough, if you're really interested."
"Were you really interested whether I'd settled in or not?" Lainie snapped back.
"Unlike your duty question, I was interested."
"Why? Didn't you want to spend the evening alone?"
Lainie hated the tension inside of her that was causing her to be so sarcastic, but it seemed the only safe reaction to his presence.
"The evenings I spend alone are of my own choosing."
"How convenient to be a man and to be able to choose the company you want and when!"
"Yes, it is," Rad replied calmly. "I understand our dinner is ready. Are you ready to eat?"
He waited at the archway near the hall, plainly indicating that if Lainie didn't join him, he would go alone. She rose from the couch slowly and walked toward him, ignoring the impatient and demanding gaze in his eyes that ordered her to hurry.
"Arguing is bad for the digestion, so why don't we dispense with any conversation at the table?" he drawled just before they entered the dining room.
"That's an excellent suggestion, one that I heartily endorse." Lainie tried to make her voice match his stinging tone.
But the silence to her was uncomfortable, although it didn't seem to upset Rad a bit. The throbbing ache in her chest left little room for food. She should have been witty and charming, impressing Rad with her lighthearted conversation. Instead, the minute he had walked in the door that evening she had been bitchy and sarcastic. Why did they continually have to poke and prod at each other? There was that constant crackling of electricity between them, sparks generating more sparks. Lainie knew she had two options in front of her. One was to maintain the silence that Rad had decreed and she had agreed to, which would set a precedent for their future evenings together. Or she could break the silence with small talk and hope to set aside the antagonism and animosity that were riding on the surface. She chose the latter.
"I thought I would go to the hospital tomorrow morning," she said. "I'd like to speak to Doctor Henderson when he makes his morning rounds. And mother will expect me to spend time with her."
Rad lifted his eyebrow at the break in the silence. Lainie lowered her gaze to her plate, bracing herself for the sarcasm that would undoubtedly follow.
"You'll be needing a car," he said. "The keys for the Mercedes are on the hall table."
"I thought that was your car?"
"Of course it is. How else could I give it to you?" He smiled at her with an indulgent amusement.
"That's not what I meant." She was a trifle breathless, liking the way his eyes had caressed her softly.
"I have another car if you're concerned with my getting back and forth to the office."
"Actually, I was thinking about that." She smiled hesitantly.
"Well, you'll be needing transportation anyway. I believe Ann wanted to get together with you this week, too."
"You don't object?" Lainie immediately wished she hadn't said that. For a minute she saw the shutters start to close.
"I told you I wasn't going to make you a prisoner here." Rad glanced down at his plate thoughtfully before looking up at her with a sort of bland amusement. "But I would appreciate it if you wouldn't make any evening engagements without checking with me first. I wouldn't want them to conflict with any commitment I may have made."
"No, of course not," Lainie murmured in quick agreement, glad that she hadn't angered him with her question.
The meal was suddenly pleasant. The expertly prepared dishes had a better flavor. The chocolate mousse was delicately light and delicious. The whole mood seemed to have changed and Lainie basked in its warm glow. Later, in the living room, she was able to lean against the back of the sofa and relax in contentment as Rad put a stack of long playing records on the stereo. The change in mood seemed to have affected him, as well. The lack of conversation between them brought an intimate silence, enhanced by melodious strains of violins in the background. A smile of happiness curved Lainie's mouth at the frown that gathered on Rad's forehead when Dickerson appeared in the archway, interrupting their privacy.
"What is it?" Rad asked sharply.
"Miss Gilbert is here to see you. She has some papers."
"At this hour?" Lainie exclaimed. Her smile was replaced with a frown and she received a quelling look from Rad.
"I won't be long."
There was more than a fleck of green in her eyes as she watched Rad walk out of the room. Not if Sondra had anything to say about it, she thought ungenerously.
THE CLOCK TICKED past the nine, and the ten, and still Rad hadn't returned.
An inner compulsion drove her footsteps through the archway and on into the hallway, but Lainie was not even conscious of the movement. It was almost a waking version of sleepwalking. Not until she heard voices coming from behind a closed door did she realize she had left the living room. Even as she listened intently to what was being said, a terrible feeling of guilt knotted her stomach.
"It won't be long. A few months, no more." Rad's well-modulated voice came to Lainie clearly.
"It seems like such a long time, though." The feminine voice left Lainie in no doubt that Sondra was still there.
"Does it bother you?" Rad asked.
"Of course. Did you think it wouldn't?"
Rad made no reply to Sondra's question. Seconds ticked past and there was no further sound. Again Rad's voice broke the silence, but it was too low for Lainie to pick out the words. She reached for the doorknob. What did she hope to find in there? The image of Sondra's red head nestled under Rad's chin danced in her mind's eye, and she knew she didn't want to subject herself to the final humiliation of finding another woman in Rad's arms.
Her hand never reached the doorknob. She turned and walked swiftly back to the living room. This time she was thankful for the carpet that muffled her movements. Her fingers were twined tightly together as she tried to fight the terrible pain in her heart. She paused in front of the fireplace, half-turning to let the harmony of the room soothe her restless spirit. The white, gray and black colors jumped out at her. They were a perfect backdrop for Sondra with her titian hair.
Lainie fled into the bedroom. Jealousy was a green flame that consumed the last vestiges of her hope. She stared at the bed, wondering if she could stand to have Rad make love to her again knowing that at the present moment he was consoling another woman. Slowly, mechanically, she began changing into her nightclothes. Over the long nightgown of green cotton she slipped on a velvet-dressing robe of olive green. Taking the bristled brush from the dressing table, she sat on the bed and began brushing her hair. The ritual of counting each stroke acted as a drug that numbed the pain.
When Rad walked into the room a few minutes later, Lainie was able to glance up at him with an aloofness she wouldn't have been capable of earlier. His tie had been removed and was sticking out of his pocket. There was a drawn tiredness about his face that made Lainie wonder with malicious satisfaction if he had perhaps had trouble reconciling Sondra to the change.
"I didn't think it would take so long," Rad said as he walked to his dresser and began emptying his pockets.
Her hairbrush swept through her hair with the one-hundredth stroke. Lainie rose from the bed, walking over to her own dressing table to place her brush with the rest of her vanity set. She didn't bother to comment on Rad's statement, her remoteness acting as a shield to protect herself from him.
"What's the matter with you?" Rad stood blocking her way to the bed.
"Nothing." She gazed up at him calmly, feeling like a mannequin devoid of any emotion and insulated from the glittering electricity in his gaze.
"There were some difficulties I had to get ironed out with Sondra." A light flickered in and out of Lainie's eyes at his statement. "Concerning business," he added darkly.
"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Rad."
"Don't I?" he sneered
.
"Fidelity wasn't part of our bargain," she replied smoothly, sidestepping him and walking to the bed.
If she had been in a more sensitive state of mind she would have recognized the telltale warning signals being emitted from Rad. Instead of deriving satisfaction from hearing the way he slammed doors and drawers, she would have been frightened. Slipping out of her robe, she slid under the bedclothes, blind to the anger she had caused.
"Good night, Rad," she murmured as the light was switched off and the room was enveloped in darkness.
"Good night, hell!"
The sheets and blankets were stripped away from her. Lainie glanced up with a startled gasp, her hands moving up to ward off the naked chest that was descending on her. She would have screamed, but her mouth was covered by a punishing kiss. The euphoric sensitivity was gone.
FLAINIE PUSHED HERSELF into an upright position, glancing around trying to identify the sound that had awakened her. Then she realized it was not a sound that had wakened her, but the cessation of a sound. Someone had turned off the shower in the adjoining bathroom. Lainie winced as she reached out for her olive green dressing robe to cover her nakedness. The bruise where Rad had buried his fingers in her arm was already turning a purplish hue.
As she slipped her arms into the sleeves of her robe and folded it around her, Lainie remembered how she had struggled to evade Rad last night. Her lips relived that avenging kiss that had ground them against her teeth. She had twisted and fought, pummeling his back with her fists in an attempt to writhe free of his crushing weight. But Rad had pinned her to the bed, not content until she had responded to his savage sweetness.
Her nightdress lay on the floor beside the bed. Lainie reached down and picked it up, examining the torn armhole and the ripped seams. A misty veil clouded her as she heard again Rad's husky voice as he nuzzled her earlobes, demanding, "Love me." It was an unnecessary order, since she already loved him more than she had ever thought possible. The torn nightdress was pressed to her lips while tears trickled down her cheeks.