by L A Cotton
That was the million-dollar question, wasn’t it?
Because while I could no longer deny my feelings for Ryan, I wasn’t ready to let go of Lucas either.
My voice came out as a whisper as I said, “I have no idea, but I need you to do something for me.”
~
I stood outside of the motel room, fingers almost touching the door, heart pounding so hard I could hardly hear myself think. Tanner had tried to talk me out of it, but our conversation had made me realize a thing or two. So taking a deep breath, I raised my hand to knock, but before I made contact, the door swung open to reveal Ryan. His eyes widened a fraction before narrowing in on me. “What do you want?”
“I- I …” This was not going the way I’d hoped. His wall was firmly back in place. “Ryan, I’m so-”
“Sorry? You’re sorry, is that it? Are you fucking kidding me, Mila? You left … again. After everything.”
My eyes shuttered, and I breathed in remembering last night.
I couldn’t forget it.
“Listen, I have to get out of here. Clear my head.”
I reached out for him, but Ryan inched back as if my touch repelled him, and my heart sank.
“Ryan, please. I just want to talk. There’s a place …” My voice trailed off. I was putting myself out there—for him. Couldn’t he see that?
I waited, my hand still lingering between us awkwardly. Ryan’s eyes searched mine. For what, I wasn’t sure, but he hadn’t slammed the door in my face or left, yet. That had to be a good sign.
Didn’t it?
His hand rubbed the back of his neck all while he stared at me with emotionless eyes. I wanted to go to him, to show him that I was in this with him, but right now, he was the Ryan everyone else saw. The son his family had cast out. The guy that my brothers had warned me to stay away from. Not the Ryan I’d slowly been falling for. The Ryan who made me feel a little closer to whole every time he touched me.
“Let’s go.” He pushed past me and kept moving. I pulled the door shut and followed him to his car. No words were spoken as we climbed inside and he backed out of the parking lot. He didn’t ask me where to, and I didn’t tell him.
He just drove.
Drove until the landscape changed and landmarks became recognizable. Until I was staring at the place my brothers had brought me to the day before the funeral … the place I’d wanted to bring Ryan to today.
The car swerved off the main road, following the dirt track further down to the lake. When it rolled to a stop, I stared out at the scene I’d laid eyes on so many times before. “H- how did you know?” I swallowed hard, suddenly overwhelmed by the significance of this moment.
“It was written all over your face. I may not say a lot, but there isn’t much I don’t see.”
“This is …” Breathe, just breathe. “This was-”
“Your place. Yours and Lucas’s. I know.”
I nodded as warm tears rolled down my cheeks. Ryan’s voice sounded so distant—so cold—chills ran through me. He climbed out of the car, and hands jammed in his pockets, he started walking down to the lake. I watched him through blurry eyes. He moved stealthily, something people might have mistaken for confidence or even swagger, but I saw past all that. I saw the vulnerability, the uncertainty. I saw the guy who just needed someone to tell him that everything was going to be okay. That losing Lucas didn’t mean he was alone.
Exiting the car, my legs carried me in the direction of Ryan. He didn’t slow down or stop, not until he reached the water’s edge and sat down on the grass. I joined him, but he didn’t acknowledge me. He didn’t even look at me, and I almost felt like an intruder on his private moment. But I didn’t feel out of place because everything about the lake reminded me of Lucas. The water and the feel of the grass as I ran my fingers through it. Even the birds singing their melody reminded me of my best friend and the moments we’d spent here. I’d almost expected it to feel wrong by bringing Ryan here.
But it didn’t.
Being here with him, in the place Lucas and I had shared as our own, felt right. I couldn’t explain it or even try to put it into words, but when I’d asked Tanner to turn around and take me back to the motel—to Ryan—I’d known that I would bring him out here, to this very spot.
Ryan plucked a strand of grass between his fingers and twirled it around and around. I wanted to say so much, but now that we were here, the words couldn’t find their way out.
“I was always jealous of the two of you, you know.”
Pulling my knees up, I rested my head there and watched Ryan. His eyes were staring out across the lake, and I knew he was lost in his memories.
“He was my brother, but the two of you were inseparable. In fact, in ninth grade, I hated you. It was an especially shitty year. Digger McShaw had made it his mission in life to make my life hell. Any opportunity he got to rough me up, he took it.”
My mind backtracked. Lucas and I were in junior high then, but everyone knew Digger McShaw. He was a bully. It didn’t matter if you were weak, strong, popular—if he took a disliking to you, he made your life hell.
“He gave you a black eye.”
Ryan tensed beside me. “You remember?”
“I remember your dad demanding to know what had happened. He thought you’d been fighting again, and you said it happened in the gym.” Even by ninth grade, Ryan had a reputation of his own. He was hotheaded, impulsive, and didn’t care much for authority. The total opposite of Lucas, who thought rules were there to be kept, not broken. “It was him, wasn’t it? Digger?”
“Yeah. It wasn’t the only time.”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
A bitter laugh escaped him. “Like anyone would have cared. I got into fights. Caused enough of my own trouble. To them, I wasn’t a target, Mila, I was the problem. But one day, right after Spring Break, it just stopped. I remember waiting for school to start up again with that sick feeling in my stomach. I wasn’t scared; it wasn’t about that because I gave as good as I got. I was just so fed up with having to deal with him. But that first day, Digger just walked right past me like I was nothing to him … he didn’t even look at me.”
Realization dawned on me, and I gasped. “Lucas? You think Lucas did something?”
Ryan laughed again, but this time, it was quiet and sad and filled with regrets. It made my heart twist in my chest. “Not did … said. Lucas wasn’t a fighter, you know that, but he could charm the socks off people. I never asked him about it, and he never mentioned it, but that first day back, I came home, and Lucas was waiting. He said ‘Good day today, Ry?’ and he had this glint in his eye. You know, the one he had whenever he was scheming.”
Oh, I knew all right. Lucas might have been an incessant rule-keeper, but he loved an adventure. Just the well-planned, well-thought-out kind. Silence settled over us. Ryan still hadn’t looked at me, his eyes still locked ahead as he ran the blade of grass through his fingers. Over and over.
“He was always looking out for me. People think I’m the strong one just because I got into a few fights in school, boosted a few cars, and left home as soon as I could.” His head dropped, the blade of grass fluttering to the ground as his palm clenched into a fist. “I was never the strong one. Lucas was. He had his head screwed on straight and knew where he was going in life. What did I do? I ran the second shit got real. It should have been me in that car that night, Mila. The world lost the best person I’ve ever known. I- I…” Silent tears streamed down Ryan’s face, and without thinking, I wrapped him in my arms and whispered into his hair.
My heart shattered all over again.
For Lucas.
For Ryan.
For the three of us.
As I sat there, consoling Ryan, rocking us back and forth, I let my own tears fall. He was wrong on so many levels. Lucas adored his older brother—looked up to him in ways only I knew. He admired his bravery, his confidence, his no-shit attitude. But how could I make Ryan see that? See that, for a
s much as I wished Lucas were still here with us, he wasn’t, he was gone. That wherever he was now, he would never want Ryan to feel this way.
Because in my heart of hearts, I knew Lucas was looking down on us, happy we had one another to get through this. He wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
Chapter 11
“YOU’RE WRONG, you know.”
We’d been sitting there, at the edge of the lake, for what seemed like hours. The sun’s reflection had traveled across the lake, and I guessed it was afternoon. But time didn’t matter. It stood still as I held Ryan, smoothing his hair away with my fingers as he silently sobbed against me. When he finally regained control of his emotions, he remained there, accepting my comfort.
Eventually, Ryan pulled away from me, eyes sore and weary. “What?”
“You’re wrong.” I held his gaze. “About Lucas. He admired you, Ryan. When we were kids, I didn’t get why he always talked about you, especially when you never seemed to be around. But I quickly learned that you were his hero, and by the time we were in junior high, I stopped questioning it. You were his brother, his badass big brother, and he loved you so damn much. Don’t ever doubt that.”
“Why did you come back, Mila? Look at me, I’m a fucking mess.” Ryan’s eyes dropped, but I palmed his cheek urging him to look at me.
“Because this”—I motioned between us—”is real, Ryan. I didn’t know what it was, at first. I couldn’t explain why the one person who shouldn’t bring me comfort did, and if I’m completely honest, it freaked me the hell out. Now, I realize it’s more than that.”
Ryan pulled away, staring at me with such reverence that my insides began to churn. Was I too late? Had I pushed him too far?
Then, his hand was cupping my face, and he leaned into me, capturing my lips with his own. His grip tightened, anchoring me to him, and I melted into him letting the kiss wrap around me like a blanket. Ryan shifted, nudging me back into the long grass and covering my body. He broke the kiss staring down at me. “I don’t deserve this … you.”
“Shh,” I whispered leaning up to kiss him again, running my tongue along the seam of his lips. Ryan groaned softly, smiling against my mouth. I pressed back into the ground and said, “I’m done fighting this thing between us, Ryan. I don’t care what my family or your parents think. Lucas would be happy for us; I know he would. He’d want us to give this a shot.”
Ryan tensed and then scrambled off me, cursing into the warm air.
“Wh- what is it?” I sat up, my stomach pooling with dread all while Ryan cradled his face in his hands. When he looked up and turned to me, I knew it wasn’t good.
“Ryan?”
“I’m … shit, I don’t know how to say this, Mila.” He eyes pleaded with me—begging my forgiveness for something I didn’t understand yet—and I closed my eyes trying to prepare myself for whatever was about to come out of his mouth.
“I’m leaving, Mila.”
My eyes opened wide, and I felt like he’d physically hurt me, his words a slap to the face. “Wh- what?”
“I got a call. My boss has a job for me and needs me back as soon as possible.”
I stared at him unable to digest his words. And it occurred to me that I didn’t even know what he did for work.
“You’re leaving? When? When were you going to tell me?” Ryan’s jaw clenched as he reached out for me, but I leaned back, shaking. “No, tell me, Ryan. When do you leave?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” I shrieked. “When did your boss call you?”
His eyes dropped to the ground. “Two days ago.”
“You knew you were leaving, and you didn’t say anything?” I swiped a tear away, biting back the rest.
“I- I wanted to. Fuck, I did. But then, I saw you at the bar, and I wanted you so badly. I just wanted to see you again, hold you … be with you.”
“You wanted a goodbye fuck? Is that what this is about? Is that all this was to you?”
“Shit, Mila, no. No! This is coming out all wrong. I’m, shit-” He thrust a hand into his hair and dragged it over his head, trying to find the words, but I beat him to it.
“Wait. What if you hadn’t seen me at the bar, Ryan? Were you going to tell me or were you just going leave?”
His eyes dropped again, and I had my answer. I leaped to my feet and stared down at him, unsure of anything anymore. “You let me believe this was real, Ryan. I chose you. Over my family, over Lucas, and you’re leaving me. Just like that. You promised me you wouldn’t leave. You promised!”
Tears trickled down my face. I couldn’t hold them in. Anger, frustration, hurt, and rejection coursed through me like a storm.
Ryan stood and tried to reach for me again, but I dodged him. “Mila, I’m … fuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know when I’d get the call, and things got so confusing between us. I feel it, Mila, I do, but I need this job. I need the money. I’m nothing without it.”
“Take me home, Ryan.”
“Mila, we can talk about this, we can-”
“Just take me home. You’ve made it perfectly clear where I fit into your plans.” I brushed past him and headed for the car. Convinced I was leaving the last piece of my shredded heart at the lake.
~
Ryan dropped me off at home. The whole ride back into town, he’d tried to explain, again and again, but I was done. I’d let him in, given him a piece of me, and he’d thrown it back in my face. What more was there to say? He had his life to get back to, and I had to try to put the pieces of mine back together. It wasn’t as if we’d talked about the future or what came next—we’d just lived in the moment, and apparently, for him, the moment was over.
“Mila?” Tanner said from the other side of the door. I’d retreated to my room, and stayed there for most of the day.
“Not now, Tan.”
“Come out or I’m coming in, your choice.”
“Tanner!”
“Fine, have it your way, Jeanie.”
The door handle rattled a couple of times, and then Tanner’s head peered inside, eyes squeezed shut. “You’re not naked in here, are you?”
“Go away!”
“Chase isn’t here, so it’s up to me to annoy the hell out of you. I’m going to open my eyes now, three, two, on-”
“I’m naked.”
“One.” He opened his eyes slowly. “Liar.”
I shrugged and clutched the cushion closer to my chest.
“What happened? Do I need to call reinforcements? Do we need to go kick his ass?” Tanner searched my eyes, and after a couple of seconds, the playfulness in his gaze disappeared, replaced with concern. “Seriously, what’d he do?”
“He’s leaving.”
“Oh.” He slipped into the room and pressed the door shut behind him.
“You don’t sound surprised?”
“Well, what did you expect, Jeanie? He hasn’t lived in Radeno for a long time. He has a life somewhere away from here.”
“We slept together, Tan.”
Tanner froze, his eyes darting around me. Tipping his head back against the door, he inhaled deeply and said, “Okaaay, too much information, but I’m the sensible brother. I can handle it. Lay it on me, little sister.”
“Something changed between us, Tanner. I felt it. I know he did too. And he’s leaving, just like that. Like I mean nothing to him.”
“Did you let him explain?”
“Well, no, I-”
“Maybe he had a plan?”
“Or maybe things got real, and he bailed. It wouldn’t be the first time.”
“Low blow. You know he left because his parents wanted him out. Granted, he pulled some uncool shit back then, but they still washed their hands of him, Jeanie. That has to affect a person.”
I shrugged again picking the threads from the hem of the cushion, unraveling them between my fingers. “He doesn’t care about me, not the way I thought. I should have listened to you.”
Tanner pushed off the wall an
d came to the bed, dropping down beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. He pulled me close, and I let my head fall against him. “Or maybe, just maybe, he felt it a little too much, and it freaked him out, and now, he’s running from his feelings.”
“He knew about the job before he saw me at the bar. He knew and still took me back to the motel. He could have told me then, before we …”
“You’re hurting, both of you. People do crazy shit when they’re in pain, Jeanie. Heck, it’s why you’re in this position in the first place, isn’t it?” Tanner nudged me gently, and I growled. “Not funny, jerk.”
“Give him a chance to explain. Hear him out and then decide. Don’t live with the regret of not giving him that chance.”
“Why are you team Ryan all of a sudden?”
“Oh, I’m not, never liked the guy and probably never will, but I’m team Mila Jean, and I’d hate to see her lose another person from her life right now.”
I smiled up at my brother before burying my head in his sweater and letting the tears fall. He was right; I needed to give Ryan a chance to explain. But right now, I needed this more.
~
“Mila, honey, what are you doing here?” Carol smiled, but I could see the surprise there.
“I know it’s late, but can I come in?”
“Sure thing, honey. Peter, Mila is here.”
“Mila? We weren’t expecting you tonight. Is everything okay?” He appeared in the doorway to the living room, and I followed Carol toward him.
When we entered the room, I said, “Actually, it’s about Ryan.” They glanced at each other, and my stomach twisted. Something wasn’t right. “What is it?”
“He came by earlier.”
“He did? I don’t suppose he said where he’s staying tonight? I went to his motel, but he’d checked out already.”
“You went to his motel?” Carol’s voice was almost a squeak, and I realized how odd it must have sounded to her.