by Radclyffe
It was the first time in a while that I’d felt so alone dealing with my being gay. My friends had been supportive for years, but here I was alone again. It had always killed me to keep this from my parents and from my family. Maybe I should have waited a little longer. But why should I have to? Why should I hide this from my own family? Shouldn’t they know who I am? Should they know?
“Stop it!”
The shrill cry pierced through my circling thoughts. My mother’s voice, and she sounded panicked. Immediately, I jumped out of my bed to see what had happened. I quickly ran down the stairs to see my parents standing in the bathroom with pills scattered across the floor. The two of them looked at me and didn’t say a word.
“What—”
“Just go back to your room,” my mom in a voice soft with despair. “This is why you shouldn’t have told him. Go back to your room.”
My mother’s voice killed me. She sounded so sad. The pills were scattered all over the bathroom floor. The scene didn’t seem real to me. This only belonged in dramas on television. This didn’t belong in my house—in my family.
“What happened? Tell me!”
“He tried to take a lot of the stupid sleeping pills! Now go back up! I told you, you shouldn’t have opened your mouth! Go up!”
I stood there frozen, staring at the two of them in the bathroom. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. My father hated me. He was absolutely disgusted by me. His feelings were so extreme that a permanent escape was his only solution. I had almost killed my father by saying “I’m gay.”
“Go away!” my mother yelled again.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly before turning away to go back upstairs to my room.
I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. As I crawled back into my bed I began to cry again. My own selfishness had almost taken my father away. I had just nearly lost my father because I didn’t take into consideration what his feelings about my being gay would be. All I had wanted was to be open about myself. I didn’t want to feel as if I was lying anymore. I didn’t think my parents wanted me to lie, but perhaps it was better to protect someone’s feelings than to tell the truth? I wish this didn’t have to be so difficult. How could I have known?
I wasn’t sure what I was going to do after tonight. How was I supposed to look at my father tomorrow, or ever? Would he even look at me? Would he stop talking to me? What if he didn’t even come home tomorrow because he tried to kill himself again? Was that even what he had intended to do in the bathroom? My mind was consumed by the worst possible outcomes.
I felt as if I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I’d handled my coming out poorly, and now everything to come would most likely be the polar opposite of what I’d hoped to achieve. Everything that I had imagined for myself in the future seemed to remain an unattainable dream. What if my father wasn’t there in the future to see my someday-family, my someday-children? That would devastate me.
I saw a flash illuminate my window, followed by a strong boom of thunder. I felt its intensity through my body. A summer thunderstorm was about to come rolling in. The rain began to pour.
There was a knocking on my door. It was my father.
My Aahana
Ariana Montoya
“Rise and shine, Joanna. You have to get this room presentable. You have a roommate coming and I expect you to treat her well,” Madame Beauclerc ordered, pulling my covers away and trying to rouse me from my sleep.
“Jo. How many times do I have to tell you? I’m Jo.” I groaned, yanking the covers back and turning onto my stomach, trying to ignore the middle-aged dorm mother and French instructor. I hated that woman.
“That’s a man’s name. Now get up, Joanna!” she replied tersely, yanking the covers off me completely. Turning to her quiet favorite, who was lurking in the hallway about to rouse me for breakfast, her tone was exasperated. “Marlena, you deal with her!”
A half hour and a cup of coffee later, I was conscious enough to be aware that I had a new roommate. I was also extraordinarily angry about it.
“I can’t believe some new girl shows up and I have to share my room!” I exploded, angrily throwing my things onto my “side” of the room. Every speck of me was being obliterated from that side. My photographs, band posters, knickknacks, every bit of me was being restricted to one side of the room that had been mine since I came here when I was fourteen. “It’s no fair! All three years, we’ve had an odd number, so this chick shows up and now I have to deal with her encroaching on my space.”
Laughing at my anger, my best friend Marlena simply shook her head. The motion caused her brown curls to stir, releasing her trademark floral scent about my room. Her dark brown, faintly red-tinted eyes sparkled. She knew that smell alone could calm me. “You’re being too critical, Jo. She might be a very nice girl. Besides, haven’t you always wanted a live-in girlfriend?”
Not able to resist her teasing, I grinned a little. My secret was safe with her, as it always had been. “Oh, of course, my love. Why do you think I invite you over all the time?”
We both broke into giggles at that. We were sisters of the soul, never meant to be lovers, though it didn’t stop her from dating my twin brother.
“Anyway, I should let you get your things settled. Don’t kill the poor girl.” Giving me one more smile, she departed.
Alone with my thoughts, I let out a sigh. If I had to share a room, I wished it would be with Marlena instead of with some strange girl who could find out my secrets and expose me to the rest of my all-female classmates. I didn’t need that kind of hell. I didn’t need to wind up like Lilly.
Soft knocking brought me out of my musings. “It’s open!”
The door swung wide to reveal the single most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her almond-shaped eyes shined with pure innocence, the amber color even more vivid and beautiful when coupled with her dark skin and black hair.
“Hello. I was told this would be my new room. My name is Aahana Vasuman.” Her words were accented lightly, sounding as if she had been taught the language by a British instructor.
“Uh—” My tongue felt swollen and useless, and my eyes were glued to her beautiful visage.
Shifting uncomfortably, she stood in the doorway, still clutching her bags. “Perhaps I have the wrong room?”
“No!” The word came out too loud, too harsh, and she flinched at it. My face heated. “No, I mean, this is the right room. I’m sorry, you just…caught me off guard. You’re stunning.” There wasn’t a hint of flirtation in my voice, just honesty. I moved to help her with her bags and the door behind her, leaving us alone together in my room. Our room.
Quite surprised by my words, she smiled gently at me. “Thank you. But I’m certain you have the same effect, with those eyes.” Her praise caused my entire body to heat.
Glancing in the mirror, I shook my head. Her eyes were like molten amber. Mine were a calculating silver-gray. There was simply no comparison to me.
Appraising the room thoughtfully, she cocked her head to the side. “I take it you were not thrilled to have a roommate?”
My face turned bright pink, I’m sure, but I laughed. Oh, did I laugh! “I was pissed.”
Her smile was filled with humor. “Well, Joanna, I promise not to be too much trouble. Madame Beauclerc already informed me that you’ve yet to have a roommate since your arrival freshman year.”
“Ugh. That woman! I’m Jo. Just Jo.” I smiled and offered my hand to her.
She looked surprised and awkwardly shook my hand. “Sorry. Still getting used to the customs. We don’t shake hands much in India.” She looked embarrassed, as if she was afraid to look foolish to me.
“Eh, don’t worry about it. Come on, I’ll show you around.” I grabbed her arm and pulled her from the room, ready to give a tour. “Welcome to the academy—dumping grounds for all those who were too smart for their parents to handle, complete with a lovely Christian theme.” I gestured to the statue of the Virgin Mary in the cou
rtyard. It was technically not a Christian school, but a private one in a Christian place.
Looking around, her golden eyes seemed to dance with intrigue, clearly taking this all in. From the dormitories to the Southern backdrop, it was foreign to her, but interesting. “Dear Jo, would it be all right to ask where the library is?”
I nodded, swallowing thickly. Every expression she made captivated me. She was too beautiful for words. Too sweet, too smart, too much of everything…I couldn’t help but love her.
*
Like bells, her laughter rang through the air as she tugged at my hair. “Oh, dear Jo, how do you get into such things?” She was gently pulling all the ornamentation from my stiff blond hair, sprayed into place in the hours prior.
Had I been in a better mood, I might have smiled at her laughter. However, all I could do at that moment was wince. “She asked me to help her practice! I didn’t know she meant practicing her hair-styling—”
“What won’t you do for Marlena?” Shaking her head, Aahana smiled and pushed the hair ornaments to the side as she worked my hair itself, trying to get it to loosen up.
“Sit through another reality TV marathon,” I replied with a shudder, knowing it would earn me more of her rich, feminine laughter.
As I expected, my words were rewarded by her sweet-sounding giggles as well as a fleeting brush of her fingers on my neck. She either didn’t notice, or didn’t want to know why, when I shivered slightly. “I swear, if John and you had been switched, you would be her boyfriend. You’re so loyal. Even when your poor hair suffers.” She continued to pull things out, finally backing up and grasping my arm to go to the sink and turn the water on warm.
Knowing what she wanted me to do, I bent, putting my head under the current of hot water as she poured shampoo into her hands. “Maybe I do all this as an excuse to get one of your hair treatments for free.” My tone was light, joking. But deep down there was a sliver of truth. Her touch was irresistible.
More laughter spilled from her lips. “You’re so funny, dear Jo.” She slipped her hands into my hair, lathering it slowly as she massaged the suds into my hair and scalp.
Biting back a sound of pleasure, I closed my eyes. Her touch was wonderful, but it almost undid me when coupled with her little name for me. “Dear Jo.” I had asked her about it once or twice, but she would simply smile and tell me I was a dear. From the beginning, she’d captivated me, and my reactions had only become intense in the past few months.
Every day, we ate breakfast together, went to see Marlena in the courtyard, attended class, and even meandered across the street to the boys’ academy to see my twin. We were together so much, but it was normal, because she was my roommate. Just my roommate. My heart clenched.
“All right, all done!” she announced in a chipper way, smiling at me as she watched me wrap my hair in a towel.
Standing in front of her, so close we could be embracing, I felt an intense longing. I could lean down and kiss her. I could hold her in my arms. In the end, though, she would most likely reject me. I would be just like Lilly, heartbroken and ostracized by everyone.
Besides, even if she did return the kiss, she would never be accepted at home. Her ailing grandmother would disinherit her and her father would be quick to follow. They were very traditional, and so was she. It would only serve to hurt her relationship with them.
It was too much. My heart was tied into her and her happiness far too much. And it hurt. God, did it hurt.
*
Watching my pretty friend pace, I frowned. Her posture was so defeated. Sliding off my bed to move to her side, I massaged her shoulders as she was talking on the phone, wanting her to relax. She was so tense, and the yearly talent show would be starting in only an hour or so. Our last hurrah before the month of exam prep and then finals.
“Yes, Father. I understand, Father. Yes. Yes. I love you too, Father.” When she hung up, her eyes met mine, all of her pre-show excitement having wilted away.
Wordlessly, I opened my arms and she began to sob into my shirt, the shaking of her body causing the bells and chimes on her outfit to ring throughout the room. The jangling sound was a mockery of the beautiful rhythm they normally had. “Shh, it will be okay. The fune—”
“No! No! It’s not that. Grandma is still with us. But she made a change to her will. If I want my father to keep his inheritance, I must comply with her last requests…When I graduate, I must marry the son of a dear old friend of hers.” Tears caressed her cheeks, her lips trembling.
My own heart shattered in my chest. “Aahana…” I wanted to brush her tears away, kiss her, tell her she could not marry him because I loved her. But I could not. I could not risk the little time we had left together, nor could I ask her to do something she herself would consider an act of betrayal. Instead, I released her when she pushed back a bit.
Drying her eyes, she walked to the mirror and cleaned her face up. “Regardless, the show must go on.” She gave me a wan smile and I nodded.
That night, when the talent show closed with her act, I cried. She was so beautiful. Too beautiful. Music, ancient and mystical sounding, played as her hips moved in time. The bells on her skirt tinkled with every motion, keeping your attention even more focused on her movement. Her hands swam in the air, graceful and almost exotic. It was an art. She was moving, breathing art.
Marlena took my hand, squeezing as we watched. She didn’t know the full story yet, but she sensed my pain and longing.
After the show, Aahana came to me, nervous. “Was I that terrible?” She was searching my still-somber face, looking for a trace of my usual self.
Shaking my head, I smiled. “You were entrancing, amazing—the most talented of the night. Makes me wish I had the rhythm to belly dance.” The last part was said jokingly, a wink added for effect. Everyone knew I was too gawky and uncoordinated for that. In the end, that’s who I was. Awkward, joking, even when I was shattered on the inside.
“You’re a true friend, dear Jo.” Her arms wound around me as she closed her eyes. “Maybe I can convince my father to fly you out for the ceremony?”
*
Before I knew it, it was time to see her off. Finals had been taken, school was over. Now to say good-bye to the only girl I’d ever loved.
“Thank you for seeing me off, dear Jo.” A smile graced her features. Breathtaking, lighting my world. She gave me a hug, leaning her head against my chest.
“I’ll always be here for you.” I let go, feeling tears in my eyes. “Now, go on. I don’t want you to miss your flight!” I wiped my eyes furiously and stepped back.
Her features softened as she gazed up at me. “You may call me, anytime.” She turned, finally going. She got only four yards before I couldn’t take it.
“Aahana!” Desperation leaked into me as she turned her amber gaze on me. “Aahana, I…” The airport was crowded, and it seemed cheap to tell her then. Nothing would change. She would still be the dutiful daughter who’d marry for family. I would still be suffering from hopeless, unrequited love. Worse than any of this, she would turn her back on my words and I wouldn’t even be able to cherish our time together. It would be a mark, a stain on the end of our friendship. “I looked up what your name means. It’s true. It’s so beautiful. Aahana, the first rays of the sun.” That was as close to a confession as I knew I would get.
There was something in her eyes at that. Understanding? I will never know. She wiped her tears away. And without a word, she trudged on.
*
Time has passed. Lovers have come and gone. When life just gets to be too much, I still cry to my soul sister and my twin. But she will always be my first love, my dawn. My Aahana.
First Time
Archer Darke
Dear Hayden,
Wear this and come to my parent’s house tonight at 7 p.m. I’ll be waiting for you.
All my love, Grace
Hayden Terraciano blinked for several seconds, reread the note, and then glanced down at the
tuxedo pantsuit that lay in the box it had come with. What mischief was Grace up to? Shrugging, she pulled the suit from its wrappings and studied it, wondering if it would fit. She undressed, pulled it onto her lithe frame, and studied herself in the mirror. Surprisingly, it was a perfect fit and hung just right from her lean but muscled shoulders. She ran a hand nervously through her short auburn hair, wondering what important event was about to happen. Why else would Grace want her to wear this?
After an hour-long commute from the college both she and Grace attended, and where they had first met just over a year ago, she made her way up the driveway of Grace’s parents’ house and stopped before the huge oak door with its antique lion head door knocker. She’d only been here a couple of times before. On the first occasion, she’d received a stern grilling from each of Grace’s mothers on her intentions toward their daughter—the most nerve-wracking thirty minutes of her life. She and Grace had only been dating a few weeks by then, but she’d allayed her mothers’ fears by explaining how much she loved Grace and how she’d spent almost a year loving her in secret and being nothing more than the best friend she could be until Grace had confessed her own feelings.
She was shaken from her musings by the click of the door lock as somebody opened it from the other side. It swung open to reveal Grace, a genuine, loving smile on her face that left Hayden momentarily breathless. Stunned, Hayden took in the slinky black dress that Grace was wearing like a second skin. The fabric clung to her body in all the right places and moved with a whisper as Grace took her hand and gently pulled her inside the house, closing the door behind them.