Also has a café, usually full of harassed child-bearing families and old people eating cod and chips and drinking tea.
Primark
A department store linked with ‘Pennys’ in Ireland. Sells much the same things as BHS, but at a much cheaper price. For example, a cardigan here will set you back £6 instead of £18. (Though instead of being a classic, grey, cashmere mix it will be neon yellow, and made of rayon wool). Lots of social comment involving sweatshop labour.
I once slipped on half a pasty that someone had left on the floor of a Primark changing room.
Iceland
A shop where bargain foods can be bought, almost exclusively frozen or pickled, for the convenience of the thrifty minded and nutritionally unconcerned.
The Town of Bath
The setting of this book, a town located in Somerset, the west of England. It rains a lot there, and there are a lot of big hills. It’s a town in which there is a large Abbey (a big-ass church), Roman baths (big, smelly, old swimming pools), two universities (one for the arts, one for actual subjects) and approximately 1 billion cafés. All normal prices, upon entering Bath, inexplicably increase by about 50%.
I lived there for three years, and adored everything about it, except the tourists, the terrible jobs I had there, and the fact that it is impossible to get good coffee for less than £4 a cup.
Bristol
A town adjacent to Bath, and regarded as ‘the wild one’ of the two. Were it a person, Bristol would regularly chug alcohol, pass out in the gutter, and become ‘that relative’ who shows up every year to borrow money. Bath is its older sister, the sensible one who wears tweed, reads a lot of Jane Austen novels, and has never, ever been accused of having a good time.
The biggest Primark that I have ever seen is in Bristol.
The Daily Mail
A daily newspaper, and the only one my racist and paranoid Gran has ever read. Keeps the nation informed and terrified in equal measure.
BBC
Stands for British...somethingsomething. Produces lots of costume dramas about illegitimate bustles and bonnet factories etc etc. Produces about one good thing a year (usually Dr Who). Also features Panorama, a programme much in the spirit of the Daily Mail.
Cagoule
A thin, nylonish coat that can be folded into a small clump and stored in a bag or the pocket of an actual coat. Much favoured by hikers, and middle-aged women on walking tours of monuments.
I used to own one for camping, but it was eaten by a goat. Ergo, all goats love the taste, smell and texture of cagoules (they are the only ones).
The Big Issue
A magazine produced to be sold by the homeless, thus giving them a source of income. (This is the only option below the dole queue, aside from prostituting yourself to German businessmen).
The Great British Bake Off
A programme on the BBC, like the Hunger Games, but with cakes instead of murder, and dishonour instead of death. A contest judged by Mary Berry (kitchen Goddess) and Paul Hollywood (know in our house as Satan).
Bargain Hunt
Also on the BBC. Two teams spend money on three ‘collectables’ and then auction them off for dramatically less than they paid, in an attempt to kick-start the flagging British economy.
MasterChef
Also, also on the BBC. Depending on the version, a group of normal people (or celebrities) who like cooking, are put through challenges including, cooking in a studio, cooking in a fancy restaurant, cooking for the army, cooking for a TV crew, cooking in India, cooking at the bottom of the sea, cooking on the moon etc etc. Finally, a winner is selected, (sometimes, the winner is the best at cooking).
Argos
A shop where, instead of going in, locating the item you want, and then paying for it, you go in, read a large list of everything-ever, tell a bored teenager what you want, pay for it, then sit on a little chair while a network of teenagers behind the scenes scurry to locate what it is you wanted, bring back the wrong thing, take it away, tell you the item is ‘out of stock’, refund you the money, then discover that they do have one item left, but it’s a former display item, and they have to re-box it and tape it together in a way that will fall apart the moment you take it outside the shop.
The Edinburgh Wool Mill
A shop that sells lots of things made of wool, that may or may not be made in Edinburgh. They also sell other things, like biscuits for some incomprehensible reason.
The Dole Queue
No longer a queue, this is slang for receiving ‘Jobseekers allowance’ which is money given to you by the government when you don’t have a job. To get this money, you have to go every two weeks to sit in a hot room, between a woman and a man, one of whom will smell. Then you have to sign a piece of paper (hence the expression ‘signing on’) and then apply to work at Argos or whatever fresh hell the Jobcentre decides to inflict on you.
Sainsbury’s Basics
A food range popular with those on the ‘dole’ and students. Somehow everything in this reduced packaging, white-and-orange labelled range is cheaper than normal food, whilst still managing to very closely resemble something you might actually want to eat.
Pub
Short for ‘public house’. There are many different kinds of pub. Pubs for alcoholics, pubs for people who want to eat steak and have a beer with friends, pubs where you can play Jenga, and pubs where they nail stuffed pheasants to the walls.
The best pub in the world, is the Westgate in Bath. The wallpaper has monkeys on it, they serve strawberry cider, the best fish finger sandwich ever, and, crucially, the bar staff are hilarious, and friendly.
Debenhams
A department store about twice as expensive as BHS. They also have a café, frequented by middle aged women in ‘creative’ knitwear and couples who have just bought their first home together and are now staring into the abyss of ‘till death us do part’.
I love the Debenhams in Bath, mostly only because the ground floor is covered in shiny, sparkly linoleum.
Orangina
The only drink a British person studying GCSE French knows how to order.
Bucks Fizz
A disgusting drink that only the very posh, and alcoholic would ever drink. Typically served with breakfast, it’s a mixture of champagne and orange juice.
Halfords
A shop that no one goes into unless they need a bicycle or something to fix their car. The ‘something’ will inevitably not be the right thing, so it really is better to go to a mechanic.
Bicycles can be stolen very easily.
Battenberg
A cake loved by grannies the country over. In each slice there are two squares of yellow sponge, and two of pink. The whole cake is wrapped in marzipan.
It is very important, that, even if you are starving, you don’t eat any Battenberg, because it is vile.
Look for some angel cake instead, they are usually next to one another, and so in easy reach if you are, say, looting a shop after a zombie apocalypse.
999
This is a good number to call if you are in England and need an ambulance, fire engine or the police.
It is not a good number to call for directions, a locksmith, or a piece of Battenberg.
The Royal Crescent
A prestigious street in Bath, which is crescent shaped. All the houses are identical, and have to have the same coloured doors by law.
Worzel Gummidge
A talking scarecrow, constantly browbeaten by ‘Aunt Sally’, I don’t know if she’s a scarecrow or not, because I’ve only ever heard their stories on audiotape. Perhaps she is a giant, fire breathing lizard wearing a dress and a fancy hat. But I doubt it.
Tea
Obviously, tea exists in other countries, but it is not the same as English tea. English tea is magical, and can be used to cure sadness, illness, shock and sexual perversion. Tea applies to all situations in England, and is drunk to wake people up, put them to sleep, and make them more attentive to others du
ring difficult conversations.
In England you are a MIFY – which means you put the milk in with the tea bag and sugar before adding hot water. This produces a weak brew for grandmothers and the infirm.
Or a MILY – meaning you put the milk in last. This produces tea the colour of wood varnish.
PCSOs
A Police Community Support Officer, or ‘plastic copper’ as they are known by rude people. Unlike regular police officers, these are members of the public given training to become ‘half-police officers’ in the same way that a lycanthrope is half-wolf, half-man.
A lycanthrope would be more effective at fighting crime though.
Chav
Apparently this term used to mean ‘Council House and Violent’ but now it is used more generally. For example, even people who don’t live in council owned homes can be chavs.
There are a lot of similar style, so it is easy to confuse a chav with a townie, or both with a ‘preppy idiot in jogging bottoms’. But, an easy way to identify a chav is to glance at them for about ten seconds (taking in as you do so their tight ponytail/baseball cap, gold jewellery, velour tracksuit, long fake nails, neon-orange tan, heavy eyeliner, tattoos and possibly a Staffordshire bull terrier) and after those ten seconds, they will say something that sounds like ‘Watchoo lookin a’?’
This is a chav.
Now run, brave explorer, like your life depends on it.
Angel Delight
This is a dessert that comes in a packet, it comes in four kinds, pink, dark brown, light brown and white. After opening the packet, the coloured powder within is mixed with milk, and left to set in the fridge, until it is thick and set to the consistency of chocolate mousse.
I am given to understand that this is not something available in many other countries, and seems to be a product intended for use during wartime.
The butterscotch (light brown) flavour is delicious.
Tosspot
A pot into which one masturbates, or ‘tosses’ oneself off.
Womble
Wombles live on Wimbledon Common, and look a bit like hedgehogs. They recycle and pick up litter. Oh, and they’re fictional characters from an old children’s TV show. Like Bagpuss (a stuffed toy cat with pink and white stripes that comes to life) and The Clangers (tiny pink hooting rodents that live on the moon with ‘the soup dragon’).
Limey
Slang for ‘English person’.
Miliband
Current leader of the Labour party (one of the three major British political parties). It’s OK if you don’t know who he is, no one in England does either.
Jeremy Paxman
TV presenter, and snide, posh face of University Challenge, a quiz show. Also famous for thinking he’s too important to read the weather on television.
V&A
The Victoria and Albert Museum. Victoria and Albert lived on a yellow submarine, with Guy Fawkes and the Queen Mother. After they died, their extensive collection of macramé animals was found floating in the Thames, near Glasgow, and they were dragged out and exhibited for the whole populace.
The Famous Five
A group of four children, and a dog, who feature in Enid Blyton children’s stories. They solve crimes usually involving smugglers, or gypsies, and eat sandwiches on picnics. All of them have weirdly posh voices, and the stories take place in the halcyon days of yore, when butter was still a halfpenny a pound, and dinosaurs still roamed the earth in flannel pyjamas.
Eastenders
This is a soap opera that has been on BBC1 for forever. Unlike American soaps, there is no dramatic tension, no cursed emeralds, and no ghost has ever appeared on screen. Instead a group of miserable people live out their lives on a single street, occasionally having cheerless affairs and ripping each other off. Every Christmas there is a dramatic storyline, usually something to do with a secret finally coming to light, only, it’s a secret the audience has known about since March, and no one gives a shit by that point.
The Sun
Another newspaper, one of the tabloids. Very good for sports news, or so I’m informed. Stereotypically loved by builders and those educated to GCSE level (age sixteen). Page 3 always has a semi-naked woman on it.
H&M
A pretentious and expensive high street clothes shop, loved by teenage girls and hipster boys.
Topshop
A pretentious and expensive high street clothes shop, loved by teenage girls and hipster boys, (also, sell nothing above a size 16).
New Look
An inexpensive high street clothes shop, loved by teenage girls and hi- you get the point.
Prince Phillip
The Queen’s husband.
Fig Rolls
The greatest biscuit the world has ever known. They might be known as ‘fig newtons’ elsewhere, but perhaps not. A crumbly biscuit exterior houses a figgy, jammy centre. They are delicious, and everyone should eat them.
WI
Women’s institute. Make jam, knitting etc.
Nigella Lawson
A TV chef who wears tight jumpers and has great big massive...plans, for all festive occasions.
Betterware
A catalogue that mysteriously starts turning up at your house the moment you turn sixty. It offers such useful gadgets and microwaveable glass saucepans, banana safes, rubber shower shoes with insole scrubbing brush, and other stuff that demented, housebound old people like to spend their pensions on.
The Beano
A children’s comic book, featuring Dennis the Menace (which in my opinion hasn’t been good since it became priced at over a pound, and started being printed on shiny paper).
Maybe I’m just a neophobe, I mean, after all, I did hate the Matrix. (Budum-tish).
Weebles
Not to be confused with Wombles. A weeble is a child’s toy, a plastic person in the shape of an egg with a rounded, weighted base which makes the weeble wobble about. Their slogan is ‘Weebles wobble, but they never fall down’.
Brookside
Soap opera on British television. Famous for Anna Friel’s lesbian kiss.
The Brownies
Like the girl scouts, only with no cookies. Instead they learn the ancient arts of British weather magic, such as tying knots to call the wind, and throwing jam around to make good weather ‘stick’ around.
Jammy Dodgers
A chalky biscuit with a jammy heart shape in the middle. Not to be confused with ‘jammy buggers’ or ‘jammy beggers’ which are phrases applied to cheeky boys, who wear caps and work down mines in the Sheffield area, circa 1805.
Rossers
Pronounced ‘rozzers’, a slang term for police – see also, Pigs, the law, scum, and ‘Good day officer, lovely weather we’re having’.
Wetherspoons
Commonly referred to as ‘Spoons’. A chain of almost-pubs that offer cheap food during the day, and cheap drinks at night. Very depressing either way. Unless you are a student, an alcoholic, or starving to death, you never need go into a Wetherspoons.
They do excellent burgers.
Vodkat
Cheap vodka drunk by the aforementioned students and alcoholics. It comes in two bottle sizes for your convenience, ‘handbag’ and ‘I will need a wheeled trolley or pack mule to get this bottle back to my house’.
ASDA
Wal-Mart for the English.
Lidl
Wal-Mart for the terminally short of cash, and criminally insane. You can buy a great many things from Lidl, and a surprising amount of them come from Germany.
Channel Four
If BBC one is Dickens, BBC2 is Dan Brown and Channel 4 is what happens when you lock horny teenage boys in a public toilet with fifty marker pens and a production budget.
The least said about Channel 5 the better. Let’s leave it at ‘they show a lot of CSI’.
This concludes the lexicon of British-ness.
A Letter from Sarah
Hello!
Thank you for buying my book,
This is the first chick-lit book that I have written, and I hope you enjoyed reading it, because I had a lot of fun writing it (when I wasn’t, you know, tearing my hair out with writers frustration and cleaning toilets in a hotel to make a living). If you’d like to read more by me, I’ve also written several romantic dramas, which you can read about on my blog sarahlgoodwin.wordpress.com.
If you enjoyed this book, then great! I’d love to hear about it, and you can help me out by reviewing on Goodreads, Amazon or anywhere else you like. (Even if you hated the book, I’d still like to know how you think I can improve, so don’t hesitate to post). And if you know someone who might like this book, then please recommend it to them, because, as a self published author, I am really grateful for your help.
Thanks again for buying a copy of Prior Engagements,
Love, Sarah.
The following is the first chapter of my new novel, Heartless, which is going to be published sometime this year.
Bailey lives in a world where vampires are real, and not everyone’s happy about it, least of all him.
Because of a law introduced before his birth, Bailey is a donor, the one person from his family who has to live in a vampire’s compound, and provide them with blood. Bailey was eighteen when he first came to a vampire’s home, leaving his brother and sister behind, and, six years later, he hasn’t seen the outside world since.
When Bailey is bought by a rich, incredibly old vampire, and moves to a new house, he finds that not all vampires are the same, and his new boss, Cohen, is not what he’d thought him to be at all.
As Bailey begins to feel an attachment growing between him and the vampire he serves, he also becomes aware of the disappearance of donors, and witnesses hideous executions as the terrorist group The Martyred Lamb fights to eradicate vampires, and all humans who sympathise with them.
And then there’s the question of what really happened to his family...
Prior Engagements Page 28