by C. A. Saari
“What he does? What does that mean?”
“I told you I don’t have details.” She examined her nails while I salivated for information.
“Yeah, but you have to explain that! What do you mean he’s good at what he does? What have these girls said?”
“Not much Remi. Just, that they’d do it again, and again. And again. If he’d have them.”
I digested that. I felt jealous. Jealous that these other girls had been with my boyfriend, but also kind of proud. Proud that even though they wanted him back, he wanted only me. I sighed.
“Do you have any idea how overwhelming it is to be with someone who is good at every single thing he does?”
“Oh yes Remi, please talk about this hardship of yours with me. I know it must be such a burden for you to have such freaking awesome boyfriend. It must be just horrible for you.”
I smiled at her sarcasm.
“I’m serious Kendra. I’m not at his level. I’m having a really hard time figuring out what it is he sees in me. I’m worried one day he’ll wake up and think what am I doing? This girl is a loser.”
Kendra gaped at me.
“Holy shit, I cannot not believe that just came out of your mouth. You are good at everything you do too Rem. I mean, if you and Jake were to get married someday and combine your awesomeness you’d produce, like, superhero babies.”
I rolled my eyes at her.
“Remi. You are hot as hell. You are smart, smarter than me and I’m ranked tenth in a class of a hundred and twenty. Yes, I’ve checked. You’re funny, you can sing like bird. You’re strong. You have this aura of goodness around you that I’ve never seen in another person before; and I know a lot of people. All the shit you’ve taken from everyone in your life and you’ve never retaliated. You’ve never given shit back, you never even talk badly about people. Well, except about yourself, which I’m getting really tired of, by the way. You are a rare person Rem, and Jake would have to be an idiot not to hang on to you for as long as you’ll let him. Not the other way around.”
I really hoped she was right.
Jake picked me up right at six. The drive back to his house –yeah, it’d be a very long time before I would consider any part of it mine, even though he insisted that I do- was tense. We both knew what was coming up, and with Ana so generously enlightening me to the fact that the demons were targeting Jake because of me, my pure absolute displeasure of the upcoming evening was almost physical enough to shovel through it. Jake linked his fingers with mine but said nothing until we reached the house. He led me to our room, carrying a little black bag. My curiosity got the better of me.
“What’s that?” I asked. He handed it to me.
“I got you something.”
I looked inside to find an I-pod and looked back to him with surprise.
“Jake. You didn’t have to do that.”
“I like you using mine, but it’s nice to have your own stuff too.” I knew what he meant, I didn’t have stuff. Even my clothes weren’t really my own. He turned to his computer, tapped some keys. “You can use my account and fill it up with anything you want.”
And that’s what I spent the night doing. After an extremely hard goodbye and watching him drive away until I couldn’t see his taillights again, I sat at his computer and went through music. I learned the songs I liked and realized that I’d been deaf to a whole world of music because of my limited resources.
This time by midnight he still wasn’t back and my worry reached limits that I wasn’t aware were humanly possible. My stomach hurt and nerves were stretched so tight that any little sound had me jumping out of my skin, and running to the door to look for Jake. It was nearly two thirty this time before I finally heard the trucks. I ran out to meet him much like last night, but this time I made sure I looked for any obvious wounds before jumping into his arms.
“I’m okay.” He said, letting me curl myself around him and cling. I found that he’d only suffered a minor scrape on his back after being thrown into a tree, but a couple of his stitches in yesterday’s wound had popped and had to be re-stitched. The rest of the team had suffered only minor injuries as well, and while exhausted, their spirits were high. Quinn explained that they were better prepared, knowing there was a possibility that the demons would target Jake again, they were able to redirect their defense. It helped to know where the attack would be directed I guess.
And again much like yesterday we had a mind blowing make out session in his bed, and again Jake was left wholly unsatisfied. I was starting to feel bad for him. But I didn’t lose any sleep over it.
Jake woke me Sunday morning in a similar fashion as he had the morning before. But this time I was on my back and his kisses were placed around my cleavage and I responded to him immediately. I didn’t protest when he slid the straps of my tank top down my arms. I did not wear a bra to bed. I saw him take in every inch of newly exposed skin, his jaw ticked when he glanced up at me. I said nothing. I let him have this. His lips and his mouth worked their way over me. I fisted my hands in his hair and my spine arched as his hands joined the play. His mouth trailed down my chest and over my belly, stopping just at the waist of my shorts. He looked back up at me and I knew he was asking for permission, but I couldn’t give it to him yet. I couldn’t say no either. I reached out and touched his hair. He groaned and dropped his forehead on my belly for a moment then pushed himself off the bed.
I lifted myself up on my elbows and watched him walk to the door, he turned and looked at me before he opened it. Took me in staring back at him, topless. A long breath whistled out between his lips.
“You let me know the second you’re ready.” He said gruffly and left. Was it my imagination, or did the door slam a little? I flopped back on the bed and covered my face with his pillow so I could scream into it. Why the freak couldn’t I do this?
Jake wasn’t at breakfast but I found him again already working out. He was kickboxing with Ryan, and very obviously working out some aggression, so much so that Ryan eventually had to back away –or risk bodily injury- and told Jake that maybe he should practice with the bag for a while. So Jake did. Ryan glanced at me and a small smile crossed his lips for just a split second. Crap, he obviously knew I was the source of Jakes aggression –and what the reason was. I blushed. However, aggression and vigorous workout aside, Jake still seemed to be happy. At one point I even heard him yell out a whoop and turn up the stereo that pumped music through the barn, claiming this was his “jam”. He and Ryan danced around like clowns for a while, Jake even crooked his finger at me to join them. I shook my head, so he came to me. Sliding his arm around my waist, he bent me back over it and swung me around and had my hair not been in a ponytail it would have whipped –yes folks, whipped- like some big haired bimbo in an 80’s rock video. Even Ana joined in. When the song was over Quinn barked at everyone to get back to work, but he smiled. I guess even the toughest demon hunters were allowed to have fun every once in a while.
I took my turn up on the treadmill and stuck the buds of my new I-pod in my ears, and screw these people, I was singing. I paid no attention to anyone else, but I could see in my peripheral that all motion had stopped. I knew they were all looking at me. Ana, on the treadmill next to me was staring, her mouth slightly open. I only looked to Jake, and one corner of his mouth kicked up in a cocky smile.
Yeah, okay Kendra. Maybe I was a little bit cool.
After lunch Jake joined his dad and Quinn. Ana and Ryan disappeared –literally, they got in a car and drove away. I couldn’t meet up with Kendra again, Sunday’s were family days with the Detmer’s. They went to church in the morning then got together with various relatives to cook and eat, so she was pretty much out of pocket all day. I’d never had downtime at home before. I’d spent every free second I could away from the trailer, whether it was with Kendra or working at various neighbor’s houses. I found I could get bored very easily. I sought out Maria and found her weeding a garden just next to the guest house. She smile
d grandly when I asked if she needed help.
After dinner –which I helped make- we played cards. It seemed to me that aside from the whole demon hunting thing, Jake had a pretty wholesome life. By ten thirty everyone decided to retire for the night. Jake was pleased with how my face had healed. The bruise had faded to a dusting of yellow and could easily be hidden by carefully placed cover up now, rather than pancaking my whole face.
On our way up to bed, Jake stopped me.
“Let’s watch a movie.” He suggested and led me instead into the living room. It became very apparent to me that he was purposely avoiding the bed when he sat far enough away from me on the couch to fit another version of me between us, and again when the movie was finally over and we did go to bed, he didn’t pull me into his side like he usually did, he didn’t even kiss me good night.
I laid on my side of the bed, staring up at the dark ceiling, swallowing around a lump in my throat. I jumped slightly when his hand slid across the sheets and linked with mine.
“I’m just trying to back off a bit.” He explained, his voice low in the silence of his room. “I’m not going to like myself if I push you when you’re not ready, and I really want to push you.”
“I don’t want you to back off though.” I whispered.
“You can’t have it both ways Remi.” He chuckled. “I want you to come to me when you’re ready. Not because you think you have to give in because I won’t let up otherwise.”
I turned to lay on my side so I could look at him, it was too dark, but I could make out the outline of his face.
“I think we both know that I’m not going to give in just because I think you won’t let up, Jake. I don’t want you to back off.”
He sighed.
“You are aware that you cause me daily physical pain, right? I mean, I literally feel pain every time I have to stop with you.”
Now I smiled.
“So, you’d rather not enjoy anything at all, than enjoy something and feel a little pain, which I suspect you enjoy also. I’ve never done this-”
“I know.” He interrupted. “I’m painfully aware of that fact. Which is why I’m trying to be respectful. But my respect has its limits before I just start acting like…a guy.”
“You don’t have to be so respectful.” I whispered. “I think I can handle you being a guy.”
Now he chuckled and reached to slip his arm over my waist, I squealed when he roughly pulled me to him. He kissed me, but stopped it before it turned into the tornado it usually did.
“Can we take this off?” He asked, tugging on the hem of my tank. I took a deep breath and nodded. He’d already seen this part of me this morning, so what would be the point in taking it back? He pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it on the floor. I lay on my side facing him, he lay on his side facing me. I expected him to touch me, maybe use his mouth again, but he didn’t. He slid his arm over my waist again and pulled me tight up against him, my chest to his. Skin to skin. “I just want to feel you.”
I knew we fell asleep that way, but in the morning I was on my stomach again. I knew this because Jake’s hand was rubbing my bare back.
“Are you awake?” He whispered, nipping at my shoulder –obviously he knew I was, I nodded anyway though. His hand drifted down my back and over the curve of my butt and down the back of my thigh to my knee, he lingered there while he planted several kisses over my back. Then his hand traveled back up over the back of my thigh and…oh, I felt a curious twinge low in my belly as his hand slowly turned inward instead of back up over my butt again. I held my breath as he ran his hand over the inside of my thigh, dangerously high –yes, I still had my shorts on, but it was no less intensely intimate- but only once, and that twinge turned into a rolling ache and my pelvis tingled, then his hand was back up over my butt and resting on my back again. He kissed my shoulder and pushed himself off the bed.
“I’m going to go take a shower.” He announced and left the room. Just opened the door, stepped through it and closed it again. Just like that. No big deal. Like he hadn’t just touched me there. I lay there for a few seconds, just blinking. Waiting for the twinges to subside. What the hell was that? If this was what I left him with every time I said no –I certainly hope it wasn’t worse- then I understood why it was making him frustrated.
He played cool –if it was playing- during breakfast and while we got ready for school, seeming oblivious to my curious and questioning looks. I had no idea if I was supposed to say something, or let it go and pretend it was no big deal like he was. But it was a big deal to me. I was truly frustrated by the time he opened the front door for me, and as I walked past he whispered in my ear;
“You said you could handle me being a guy.” I flicked my gaze up to his and he had that single dang eyebrow cocked. Oh the bastard! He was planning on teasing me just as much as I was teasing –albeit inadvertently- him. I’d be angry if I weren’t so intrigued. Two could certainly play this game. So I met that raised eyebrow with a slow cocky smile of my own and turned without a single word. I heard him groan and I looked over my shoulder, he was sagged against the door, exaggerating his need for it to support his suddenly weak knees. I laughed.
Kendra greeted Jake and I at school that morning like it was the most natural thing in the world that Jake Wagner gave Remi Dexter a piggy back ride to her locker. Like it happened every day. Murmurs went through the halls, texts were sent and jaws dropped as he held my hand to our first class. I made it a point to go to my locker now after every class I didn’t have with Jake just to see him. And at lunch I sat –for the very first time ever- at Jake and Kendra’s table. People were still staring, still confused, but they were starting to treat me like one of theirs now. Like we were friends. We weren’t. We never have been and we never would be. And while I did not initiate a single conversation with a single person, I was polite when they spoke to me.
“You have the patience of a saint.” Jake whispered next to me. I leaned over –I didn’t have to lean far, Jake had insisted on sitting as close to me as he could get without actually having me in his lap- and kissed his shoulder. There was a lull in the conversation. Holding hands was one thing, kissing was a whole other animal. Jake took it one step further though, when I pulled away from kissing his shoulder and looked up to smile at him, he leaned in and kissed me on the lips, and not just a sweet boyfriend at school peck that would leave another lull in the conversation, but a full on lingering kiss just short of turning into one of our devouring make out sessions. There wasn’t just a lull in the conversation, it stopped for five full seconds.
We parted and it took another second to catch my breath. Kendra, who was sitting on the other side of me nudged me with her knee under the table. When I turned to her she winked and started up a conversation with the girl across from her and everything resumed to normalcy. I glanced up at Jake, he shot me a cocky smile and went about his business too.
He walked me to choir practice after school before heading to his own practice. After practice one of Kendra’s friends –not the one who fell on her butt, she still refused to acknowledge I even existed- stopped me as I was heading out to meet Jake.
“Hey Remi.” I turned. What was her name again? Dharma? Debbie? Dora?
“Darva.” She said; she must have caught my look. “So, I was wondering, do you and Jake had any plans after the game this Friday? I’m having a party.”
I had to do some quick mental math in my head. Jake and his group had been on Friday and Saturday, off Sunday and Monday, on Tuesday and Wednesday, off Thursday and Friday. Yep, we could be free Friday. But did I want to go to a party at Marva’s, I mean Darva’s?
“I’ll have to check with Jake.” I answered.
“I know he’s a pretty busy guy, he doesn’t always make the parties. But hopefully I’ll see him, I mean, you guys, there.”
Yeah, I bet she hoped to see me there. I was fairly certain that she hoped to see me hit by a bus before she’d hope to see me at her party with Jake
Wagner. If I remembered correctly, I think precious little Dharma here had been Jake’s prom date last year. Actually, showing up at her party on Jake’s arm sounded like fun.
“I’ll talk to him. Thanks Marva.”
“Darva.” She corrected, her smile a tad too sweet.
“Right.” I smiled sweetly back and stepped around her. Kendra wasn’t entirely right, sure I wouldn’t retaliate, but I wasn’t above subtle jabs either.
It was only six when we got home, Jake made me work out with him for an hour before dinner but it wasn’t our usual work out. He started teaching me sparring moves, and not the dips and ducks and turns that Ana was teaching me. He put on a pair of sparring gloves and started teaching me how to throw punches. Even I knew I wasn’t very good, but he stuck with me and after the hour was up, I didn’t feel so embarrassed by myself. Dinner was cooling when we came in and we had to eat by ourselves, but I couldn’t have been happier. He was taking my decision seriously, and he was not trying to delay me. It felt wonderful to be wholly included. After dinner we took turns at the shower. When Jake took his turn I made a dash downstairs for our back packs and our homework. I was taking the first steps back up the stairs when a voice called my name.
“Remi.”
I took a step backwards and looked into the library. Mr. Wagner was sitting behind his big desk, his glasses on his nose.
“Yes, sir?”
“Come on in here. Sit down.”
I went in. I sat down. I had to consciously keep from playing with my own fingers, the man made me nervous.
“How are you doing?” He asked, setting his glasses on his desk, but even without them on his eyes seemed sharp. He watched me closely.
“I’m good, thank you.” I wanted to gulp, but I didn’t want him to hear it.