Wounded to the core, I didn’t say anything.
I closed my eyes, and after a few seconds, I heard his footsteps as he walked away.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
When Shannon showed up later, I told her everything and we both wept.
“Damn, I was so hoping that you two would end up together. He was perfect for you.”
“Nobody is perfect for me because I’m not perfect for myself.” At her dazed expression I tried to explain. “I have to stop trying to protect myself and start fighting for what I want.”
“Yes, but haven’t you always?”
“In my career, yes. But not in my private life. I sort of stunted that part of my growth.”
“That’s crazy talk. You’re a very well-rounded person. The whole family is proud of you.”
“Why? What did I achieve?” I made a disgusted noise. “I got women huge settlements, more than what half of them deserved. I took pride in being a ball buster. How bad is that?”
Shannon chuckled. “Come on, Honey. You love your job, and you’ve worked hard for your accomplishments. Your entire life is wonderful and the baby is only going to make it better.”
“I keep thinking about what Dad says—that sometimes you have to risk everything to gain the most. And that if we never take a chance, we’ll never know what we might have had.”
“The only reason he kept telling us that is because he’d run his business into the ground, and we’d have to start over somewhere else.”
“You think so?” I looked at her in surprise.
“Of course. How many different schools did we go to? How many friends did we leave behind? What was wrong with the life we had, that we had to change it all the time?”
“I didn’t know you felt that way, too. You always settled in so easily and made friends right away.”
She moved restlessly around the small room. “It was hard for everybody. But it wasn’t all bad. We experienced more than most kids, and it also brought the family closer together. Not that I want to do that to my family. I’m content to stay put for the rest of my life.”
“That makes two of us.” We smiled at each other. “Shannon, I’m so mixed up right now. Normally, I have everything under control, but I think fate played a trick on me, and I can only wait and see how it’ll play out. I have no control over anything, and the very things I thought I cared about, suddenly seem unimportant. I don’t even know if I want to make partner anymore.”
“You’ll want it bad enough when you get out of this hospital bed.”
“Probably.” I thought about it for half a sec. “I’m not sure. I’m thinking of doing something different. I want a career change that doesn’t involve broken homes and broken dreams.”
“Now you’re talking. So do it. You can be anything you want.”
“I also want to do more pro bono work.”
“You should.”
“And I want a man to love and share my life with.”
“Wow. I think that fall knocked some sense into you.”
“Maybe it did.” I sniffled. “I’m getting all weepy.”
“Of course you want to have a man around, especially now that you’re having a baby. You will, sweetie. The right guy is probably right around the corner.”
At that moment a young intern popped in, and Shannon and I started to giggle.
“Hi, I’m Doctor Delaney. How’re you feeling?” he asked, checking my chart.
Shannon snorted with held back laughter, and he seemed surprised. “I’m glad to see you two are in such good spirits.”
“We’re trying, Doctor, but Lydia is still a bit anxious over the baby.”
“The baby is fine. No problem there.” He stepped towards me. “I will be re-setting your nose in the morning, and then you should be good to go in a day or two. You’ll need to take it easy for awhile—no strenuous exercise, no swimming, no Salsa dancing,” he joked.
He was kind of cute. A little like Antonio Banderas. “Aw, shucks. And I had a big night planned.”
He smiled kindly. “A night’s rest will do you good.”
“I don’t feel much like dancing anyway.”
After he left, Shannon chuckled. “I think the Doctor was flirting with you.”
“No way. He had a wedding ring on.”
“It was a college ring.”
“You sure?”
“Looked like it to me.” She winked. “He was hot.”
“Hot guys, especially hot doctors, are not sitting around looking for dates.”
“Who says?”
“You and I know it’s not easy to find that special someone. I might be book smart, but I totally flunk out in relationships. Face it, there’s no manual for me to memorize, no classroom that can teach me what I need to know.”
“Cut the crap and the self-pity. I’m not buying it. When it comes to men you just haven’t given them a fair chance.”
“Not true. I know how to love but I don’t know how to make a man love me.”
“Baloney. Remember Tommy from fifth grade? He kept hitting baseballs into your bedroom window hoping you’d take notice.”
“Yeah, that’s love,” I said dryly. “How could I ever forget something as romantic as that?”
“Then there was that pimply-faced guy from high school. What was his name? I don’t remember, but you know the one. He wrote a book of poems and published one in the school paper. You didn’t live that down for awhile.”
I was grinning by now. “Okay, that’s two. Try to come up with a third. And it better be good.”
“Stephen.” She said triumphantly, then, seeing my look, tempered her enthusiasm. “It didn’t end the way we’d hoped, but it started with a bang, and he did love you, I just know it. He’s probably kicking his ass for leaving you and is hating every minute in the nipple-freezing cold, cut-throat Capital.”
“He’s getting married, and he’s moved back.”
“He is?” Her eyes widened. “Son of a bitch. Since when?”
“A couple of months ago. I ran into him and his fiancé.”
She frowned. “How could you not have told me? I’m your one and only sister. That puts me on a need-to-know basis.”
“You would have made too much of it. I am so over him. I’ve been so over him for so long I can’t remember.”
“Good. You know something? I never really liked him. And all bull-shit aside, I want to know how you feel about Jed since he’s our primary candidate.”
“For what?”
“For husband material.”
“How about minding your own business?”
“Not an option,” she laughed. “The truth is I think he’s crazy about you, and you’re pretending not to care. You are pretending, right?”
I didn’t answer. I wasn’t sure what to say. I liked Jed—a lot. Okay, more than a lot. I’d been on the verge of falling in love with him. But he had made it clear that any feelings he might have had for me were dead. I’d blown any chance we may have had to build a future together.
It all came down to trust. He didn’t trust women and I didn’t trust men-women relationships in general. That was it in a nutshell.
I mean, sexually we were as explosive as a keg of dynamite, but you couldn’t base a relationship on that. A man had to respect me number one. And Jed didn’t.
“I take your silence as a yes.”
“No, Shannon,” I lied, feeling my cheeks grow hot. “Jed doesn’t do it for me.”
“Could have fooled me. I thought the sparks between you two were going to catch on fire.”
“That’s just sex. I want an intellectual man.”
“Of course you do,” she snickered.
* * *
Susan and Fran came to see me next.
Fran gasped. “Oh my God, Lydia. You look awful.”
“Thanks, Fran. I love you too.”
“No, I mean…”
“She means,” Susie stepped in, “that you look like you’re in a lot of pain. You p
oor thing. And your beautiful nose. Thank goodness nothing else was broken in your face. You’ll be good as new in a week, tops.”
“How’s the baby?” Fran squeezed my hand.
“The baby’s fine.” I forced a smile to my lips. “I was lucky, after falling on my face like that.”
“Thank God the baby is okay.” Susie hugged me. “But, I’m going to call my dad.” She flipped open her cell phone. “He’ll fix your nose for you, instead of whoever is on the hospital staff. It’s your nose. Right smack in the middle of your face. You should have the best.”
“No way. You should see the hot doctor who’s fixing it. Picture Antonio Banderas with a George Clooney hairstyle—that’s him. And my insurance will cover it.”
Susie ran to the door hoping to catch a glimpse of the hot looking doctor. “Oh, where is he? He sounds like my dream lover.”
Fran sniped, “Forget it. George Clooney is mine.”
Susie gave up checking the hallway for the doctor, and returned to sit on the edge of the bed. “We’ve got some news you’ll be interested in.” She exchanged a look with Fran, and they were both smiling. “Your friend, Marcia. Two security guards marched into her office and waited while she packed all her personal belongings and then they escorted her from the building.”
“They fired her?”
“She was given the option of handing in her resignation, effective immediately.”
“Can’t say I’ll miss her. So, what happened to the weasel?”
“He’s working the mail room,” Fran giggled.
They stayed for another half hour, until finally I said, “Hey, girls, I hate to be a party pooper here, but I’m ready to crash.”
Like a revolving door the girls left, just as Mom and Dad entered.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
After my release from the hospital, Shannon drove me to my car. It was still parked on the side of the road in front of the medical building, only now it had three parking tickets. Just what I needed! I mean, could my life get any worse? I sat in the car and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were black and blue, my nose was bandaged, my hair looked like hell, and my heart felt flat.
I knew I was feeling sorry for myself, but I had plenty of reason. Jed hadn’t come back to the hospital. He didn’t care what happened to me. Because of my stupidity and fears I’d lost him. And suddenly, not having his love and his respect was of paramount importance. Partnership, be damned. Who cared about something so trivial? It didn’t matter a whit in the grand scheme of things.
I needed Jed to understand and forgive me. Even if he couldn’t love me.
I got the car rolling and drove home, thinking about what I would say to him, how I would open up and put my heart on the line. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. He was the father of my baby and if I didn’t give it all I’ve got, I’d never forgive myself. I wanted him in the baby’s life. The baby deserved to know he had a good man for a father.
Once home, I kicked off my shoes and sat down to listen to my phone messages and sort through the heaps of mail. Mixed in with all the junk I found a small padded envelope from UPS. I ripped into in, and inside was my stolen wallet with my personal ID still intact. Seeing my social security card, birth certificate, driver’s license, Blockbuster and department store cards was such a relief, I started to cry.
There were still honest people in the world after all. Well, maybe not that honest. My money and credit cards were gone. But still I was so grateful to have retrieved my valuable documents that I felt as if I had been given a wonderful gift.
I took a long hot bath, and fortified myself with all the positive things in my life. I was so lucky, really. It was wonderful being home instead of in a hospital bed. My face was bandaged up, but it would heal. And my baby was well and thriving. Life was good.
Once I got out of the bath and dressed, I sat down at my kitchen table with the phone in my hand, willing myself to call Jed. We had to talk. I needed to explain things to him, and he needed to listen.
I could do this. I took a deep breath. This was one of the most important telephone calls I would ever make. But I couldn’t let him go on hating me. I wouldn’t let him.
I dialed the number, and felt a cold dread. What if he hung up on me? I was so afraid to hear his voice. When he spoke to me in the hospital it had been so harsh, like icy daggers that cut right through me, making little tears in my heart. I’d protected my heart so well after Stephen left that I hadn’t ever expected to feel pain again.
And I wasn’t going to. Jed was not going to hurt me. No matter what he said, I was going to plough my way through and make him understand that I did it for him, as well as for me.
“Jed?” I was almost relieved to hear it was his answering service. “I’m home now, and we need to talk. Please call me back or come around. I’ll be in all night.”
There. That hadn’t been so tough. I’d just hang around and wait for his call or the knock on my door. I decided to read a romance novel while I waited; it would help take my mind of matters. I was in a good juicy part when I realized it was already seven o’clock and I hadn’t eaten a thing since breakfast. I made some Penne pasta with Vodka sauce.
After dinner, I tried again. He was either not answering his phone or he wasn’t home yet. I decided to go downstairs and check for his car. I rode the elevator down to the parking garage and there it was. His blue BMW was sitting where it belonged. Third row, number 12A.
He was home after all. And ignoring my calls.
He couldn’t do that. We had important life decisions to make, whether he liked it or not. I stopped at my apartment to pick something up, then got back into the elevator to ride up to his floor. I was determined that he was going to hear me out. Steeling myself for combat, I pounded on his door. He didn’t answer.
“Jed,” I called. “I know you’re in there.”
The door cracked open. “Lydia, the kids are asleep and I’m not in the mood to talk.”
I didn’t want to wake the kids but I wanted to have this out with Jed while I still had my nerve. It wasn’t easy admitting you were wrong and I wanted to get it over with.
“Can you come out into the hall for a second? I really need to get this off my chest.”
“Forget it, Lydia. We have nothing to discuss.”
“Let me in, Jed. I’m not leaving ’till you do.” I thrust some files into his hands. “This is some background information on our baby. All the doctor’s reports and all my personal research. I want you to read it.”
He looked at the huge pile in his hands. “Thanks.”
“Please let me in, just for a moment?”
He stepped aside and I slid past him.
I took a deep breath. My hands were trembling hands so I stuck them into my pant pockets. “Jed, I want to apologize and to hopefully explain why I kept the baby a secret, but it’s very hard when you’re standing here glaring at me.”
“What’s to explain? You’re a lying bitch.”
It was like a slap in the face. I recoiled, and my eyes darted to his face, but he wouldn’t look at me. “Okay, maybe I deserved that, but please hear me out, and reserve judgment until you do.”
“This isn’t a court of law, Lydia.”
“Pretend it is, just for a moment or two.” I swallowed hard. “May I sit down?”
“No.”
I remained standing. “First of all, you made it clear that a baby would be a terrible mistake, and that it was the worst possible time. Remember something along those lines? Then more than once you told me how happy you were that I wasn’t pregnant.”
“That was a natural response.” His eyes met mine. “And the fact remains, you were pregnant.”
“Yes, I understood your initial reaction. When I thought I was in the clear I was happy too. But, my period didn’t come.”
“And that was when you tried the second EPT, and told me you’d been to the doctor. You said something about your period being late because of stress, or you were fat
igued. Ring a bell?” His voice had a razor edge. “That was about two months ago?”
I gulped and blushed under my bandages. “Yeah. But wait. There’s more to this story.” I let out a deep breath and plunged in. “My brother and sister-in-law are desperate for a child, and she’s had a couple of miscarriages. They wanted to adopt mine. I knew right then that I wasn’t giving up this kid. Not for anyone. Not for you. Not for my brother and his wife. This baby was for me.”
“You were worried I would insist on an abortion? Is that it?”
“No, I knew better. I was afraid you’d insist on joint custody.”
He didn’t answer right away. He walked over to the sofa and sat down. He put his head in his hands and leaned forward, rocking a little. I stood where I was. I had to continue my explanation, and then I had to leave.
Oh, but a part of me longed to throw myself at him and to wrap my arms around his middle, and rest my head on his chest and plead with him to love me, and to forgive me, but of course I didn’t. I was way too strong for that.
Finally he looked at me. “Yes, I would have demanded joint custody. You are not qualified to be a mother.”
Oh, ouch, damn it! He was not supposed to hurt me. I wasn’t going to allow him to hurt me, but he snuck it in before I could get my defenses up. I lifted my chin and tucked in my hurt, shifting it to a less vulnerable place.
He was still tossing words like daggers at me. “A mother needs to stay home and look after her children, not to be working twelve hour days.”
I smiled coolly, ignoring the pain in my chest. “What a modern view. Did you get that from Ozzie and Harriet? Or the Brady Bunch?”
“Enough said.” He tapped the files I gave him. “I’ll read this and get back to you.”
“I want you to know something, Jed. It doesn’t matter if the baby has a problem or not. I’m keeping this child, regardless. And you can decide for yourself whether you want an active part in our baby’s life. I know you are a good man and a wonderful father.” I held up my hand so he couldn’t speak. “The decision is yours. But, I don’t want or expect anything from you. Nothing. No child support. Not one damn thing.”
The Candy Bar Complete - 4 book box set: Candy Bar Series Page 23