The Astounding Broccoli Boy

by Frank Cottrell Boyce

  Ms Annabel Roose –

  ever so lovely, whatever the colour

  Contents

  While the City Sleeps, an Unknown Hero Watches Over It from His Lonely Outpost in the Rooftops

  The Next Thing I Knew . . .

  How We Became Astounding . . .

  Attack of the Killer Kittens

  The Chocolate Frisbee of Doom . . .

  Revenge of the Henchmen

  Monday Morning

  The Weird Mutation of Rory Rooney

  Destination – Secret

  Diagnosis – Super

  Rory Rooney, We’ve Been Expecting You . . .

  Enter the Bogeyman . . .

  Revenge of the Nemesis!!

  Team Green

  Inside the Fish Tank

  The Night Walker

  Rory Rooney – Prisoner of the Ice!!!

  A New Age of Superheroes Begins . . .

  A Lone Figure Paces through the City Alleys and Underpasses

  Holy Teleportation, Rory. You’ve Taken Us to China!

  Mocked by Mere Mortals, the Green Supervillain Swore That He Would Avenge Himself on All Normal-Coloured People!!!

  Britain’s Top-Top-Secret-Secret Scientists Are Summoned to the Top-Secret Government Installation Where the Astounding Broccoli Boys Are Being Held . . .

  ‘If I’d Known There Were Going to Be Fist Fights, I Would Have Sold Tickets’

  What Adventures Does the City Hold for Our Heroes Tonight?!

  The Night City . . . fragile as a set of fairy lights on a velvet carpet, just hoping that no one will tread on them. Who takes care of the sleeping?

  Who Would Win in a Fight Between a Hippo and a Freezer?

  Who Will Win in the Fight Between Good and Evil? (Read on . . .)

  And So Our Astounding Green Heroes Set Out on Their Mission . . .

  The Streets Are Quiet, Too Quiet. But the Astounding Green Boys Are Brave. Too Brave?

  What to Do If You Are Caught in a Riot . . .

  Introducing . . . the Incredible Koko Kwok

  The Next Morning . . . The doctor is astonished to discover an extra green child

  The Map of Treats

  London in Fear-Quake! Alien Plot to Cancel Christmas!

  Three Heroes Stand on the Edge of a Skyscraper Who knows what dangers, what secrets, the sky above London is hiding?

  And So the Heroes of London Await Their Fate . . .

  A Superhero Can Be Locked Up But His Spirit Can Never Be Imprisoned!!!

  The Return of Peter the Penguin

  Is It a Bird? Is It a Boy?

  KEEP. AWAY. FROM. MY. PENGUINS.

  Batman Drops In!

  Surrounded and Outgunned, Will the Little Green Men Surrender?

  On Tower Bridge Thousands of Onlookers Hold Their Breath as the Little Boat Turns Around . . .

  Ban Wrong-Flavour Snack a Jacks!!!

  Top-Secret Meeting . . .

  Invisible Boy Addresses the Nation

  Taller Than King Kong

  Who Can Save Them Now?!

  Meanwhile in a Zoo on the Far Side of Town . . .

  Official Statement from the Prime Minister’s Office . . .

  While the City Sleeps, an Unknown Hero Watches Over It from His Lonely Outpost in the Rooftops

  Every story has a hero.

  All you have to do is make sure it’s you.

  On my first night in Woolpit Royal Teaching Hospital, I thought my chance had come. The boy in the next bed sleepwalked. Hands straight down by his side, head held high, like a piece of spooky Playmobil he sleepwalked right up to the ward door, which is locked with a security code. I didn’t want to bother the night nurse, so I followed him. He typed some numbers into the keypad. The door opened and off he went along the empty hospital corridors, through a staff canteen – where I was distracted by cheese – and out of the fire door.

  I thought we’d walked on to the street.

  I’d forgotten we were twelve floors up.

  We were standing in the doorway of a kind of hut thing right up on the hospital roof.

  Miles below, the city twinkled like a massive Christmas tree. The boy did the Spooky Playmobil right to the edge of the roof. One more step and SPLAT! he would be a splodge of jam on the pavement hundreds of feet below. I thought about shouting his name, but what if he woke up, got scared and fell?

  His name by the way was Tommy-Lee Komissky – though everyone called him ‘Grim Komissky’. And mine is Rory Rooney. We were in the same class at school. He was the biggest and meanest. I was the smallest and weakest. I could tell you stories about the times he squashed my sandwiches, the times he threw my bag off the back of the bus, the times he threw me off the bus. But I wasn’t thinking about that now. I was thinking – this is it, this is one hundred per cent my chance to be a hero.

  All I have to do is save his life.

  As long as he doesn’t take another step, it’ll be easy.

  There was a flash of lightning.

  He flinched.

  I blinked.

  There was a rumble of thunder.

  He took another step.

  Then Grim Komissky fell off the roof.

  The Next Thing I Knew . . .

  I saw him fall. I was standing in the doorway on the far side of the roof. There was nothing I could do to help him. But the next thing I knew . . .

  I was standing next to him.

  On the ground.

  Between a row of wheelie bins and a skip.

  I’d saved him.

  I looked up at the roof twelve storeys above us. How had we got from there to here?

  How?

  Well the truth is, I am astounding.

  And this is the story of how I became astounding.

  We had fallen off the top of a twelve-storey building. We didn’t splatter into pavement jam. We didn’t crash through the pavement. We didn’t bounce. We weren’t even scratched. Our fall had left us completely unharmed, though it had woken Grim up.

  He looked around, stretched and growled, ‘What’s going on? Where are we? Are you trying to dump me in a wheelie bin?!’ (This might seem an unusual question, but while we were at school, Grim Komissky had once dumped me in a wheelie bin. He probably thought I was trying to get Revenge.) He shoved me into the corner so I couldn’t dodge past him. But I wasn’t scared.

  Tonight – for the first time since I met him – I was not scared of Grim Komissky.

  Tonight I was not scared of anything.

  ‘What are we doing here? How did we get here?’

  I looked up at the top of the building – way, way above my head, so high I could hardly see it. ‘We jumped,’ I said. ‘From up there.’

  He looked up too. ‘You laughing at me, Rory Rooney?’ He pulled back his fist ready to thump me.

  ‘No.’

  ‘We can’t have jumped. We’d be dead.’

  ‘But we did jump. And we’re not dead. And,’ I said, ‘the jumping isn’t the only inexplicable thing. When we came off the ward, you unlocked the door in your sleep. When we were on the roof, I teleported slightly. What does it mean? Think about it.’

  Grim Komissky looked as if he’d just swallowed a furious wasp.

  I worried he was going to be sick. ‘What’s up? What’s happened? Are you OK?’

  ‘I’m thinking.’

  ‘Oh. Right.’

  ‘No. No good. Nothing’s coming.’

  ‘OK, Tommy-Lee, listen.’ That was the first time ever I called him by his real name by the way. ‘They put us in the isolation ward here at Woolpit Royal Teaching Hospital because they think we’re sick. What if we’re not sick? What if what we are is . . . superheroes?’

  How We Became Asto
unding . . .

  No one is born Super (except Superman obviously).

  The Incredible Hulk was mild-mannered scientist Bruce Banner until he was blown up by his own Gamma Bomb.

  Spider-Man was ninety-pound weakling Peter Parker until he was bitten by a radioactive spider.

  Swamp Thing was a botanist. He was trying to find a way to make deserts fertile, but he died and his soul got stuck in a bush.

  They didn’t choose to be heroes. They didn’t even want to be heroes. Something weird happened and they became astounding. Maybe they could have gone to hospital to have their astoundingness removed. But no. They chose to use it for Good. That’s what made them heroes.

  That’s exactly how it was for us.

  When I looked up at the hospital roof, I seemed to see all the weird things that had happened to us, trailing after us like the tail of a comet. My life was flashing past me like the pages of a Spider-Man comic!

  And I don’t even like comics! (My dad does but I don’t.)

  On the front page of this comic was a picture of me and Tommy-Lee and the words, ‘How We Became Astounding . . . Now read on.’

  Attack of the Killer Kittens

  Government Health Warning:

  Feline-Origin Respiratory-Tract Infection – commonly known as ‘cat flu’ – is a virus spread by domestic house cats. Although the virus is not especially serious, it is extremely contagious. You can avoid infection by keeping your contact with cats to a minimum. If you have a cat, please keep it indoors until the epidemic is over. Thank you.

  No one called it cat flu except on the news. Everyone called it ‘Killer Kittens’. Especially my mum. We didn’t have a cat, but we did have a cat flap – the people who lived in our house before us put it there. Mum nailed up the cat flap and spread anti-cat pellets all over the back garden.

  ‘Don’t be scared, love,’ said Dad. ‘No one else is scared.’

  ‘Just because no one else is scared doesn’t mean things are not scary,’ said Mum.

  She was definitely right about this, by the way. No one else was scared the day we started at Handsworth High. I was scared and I was one-hundred-per-cent right to be scared, because on that very first morning Grim Komissky took my bag off me, rooted around inside, took out my sandwiches and ate them right in my face.

  Bonnie Crewe – the Girl with the World’s Longest Ponytail – said to him, ‘Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?’

  ‘There is no one my own size,’ growled Grim, through a mouthful of my lunch, ‘and if there was, why would I take that risk? It’s much safer for me to pick on someone I know I can squash like a bug.’

  ‘That makes sense,’ said Bonnie and skipped off with her ponytail swinging from side to side.

  Dad explained to Mum that the virus wasn’t serious anyway – it caused flu-like symptoms and drowsiness. Plus, even if you had a cat, you only had a ten-per-cent chance of catching it.

  ‘If there’s a ten-per-cent chance of catching it,’ said Mum, ‘that means ten per cent of people will catch it.’

  ‘No, it doesn’t.’

  ‘Yes, it does.’

  ‘It doesn’t.’

  ‘It does.’

  ‘It doesn’t.’

  ‘If ten per cent of people catch it, that will mean ten per cent of people are off work. What if those people are the people who deliver flour to the bakeries or milk from the dairies? What if they’re the people who take the food to the supermarkets? Or the people who open the supermarkets in the morning? What then? That’ll mean there won’t be enough food to go round. And people will be rioting for food. And what if some of the people who are too sick to go to work are policemen? Then there won’t be any policemen to stop the rioters rioting, and what then? A total breakdown in law and order all because of Kittens.’

  ‘I think the chances of that about 0.001 per cent,’ said Dad. ‘There’s nothing to worry about. Or only 0.001 per cent.’

  Mum bought about a million tins of Spam and ten tons of pasta. She didn’t buy them in one big lot from one big shop because people might see her, then copy her, and that might trigger a wave of panic buying. She also bought a camping stove with its own gas canister and loads of matches and candles in case the electricity went off, and she made us keep the bath filled up with cold water in case the water went off.

  ‘Now I’m not scared,’ she said. ‘Now I’m prepared.’

  Don’t Be Scared, Be Prepared is the name of a book that Dad had bought for her. Under the title it said, ‘Dangerous situations are not dangerous if you know what to do.’

  It tells you:

  What to do about wasp stings

  How to light a fire with no matches

  How to catch skin and cook rabbits

  How to stop a nose bleed

  And what to do in the event of a total breakdown of law and order in society, etc.

  And . . .

  How to deal with bullies.

  Until then everything I’d done to try and stop Grim Komissky picking on me had failed.

  There was the night I tried to stop him from throwing my bag off the back of the bus by giving my bag to my big sister Ciara, who went home on the late bus. Instead of throwing the bag off, he threw me off.

  There was the time I tried to avoid him by getting the late bus myself. He waited for it with me, complained about the delay to his homeward journey and threw me off again.

  Every day he’d take my sandwiches out of my bag and lift off the top layer to check on the filling. If it was something he liked – say, ham – he would eat the whole sandwich. If it was something he didn’t like – say, cheese – he’d roll the whole sandwich into a ball between his chopping-board hands, drop it on the floor and stamp on it. SQUELCH!

  In the comic-book version of my life story, there was a drawing of me hiding in the geography store cupboard, which was surprisingly comfortable. The caption said:

  At last Rory Rooney finds peace in his Fortress of Solitude.

  The Fortress of Solitude is a vast complex hidden away under the polar ice where Superman goes to do his thinking. Except Superman has droids to serve him food, whereas I had a big papier mâché model of the West Midlands in the Ice Age, which I used as a table to put my sandwiches on while I was listening for Trouble.

  And the next picture was Grim Komissky bursting into the geography store cupboard with his almost-as-big-as-him mates (Kian Power and Jordan Swash) shouting, ‘Surprise!!!’

  In the drawing you can tell from the expression on my face that it’s no surprise to me.

  The next picture after that would be just the storeroom door with ‘POW! CRASH! THUNK!’ written across it and the word ‘Ow!’ sneaking through the gap under the door.

  In Don’t Be Scared, Be Prepared it says that if you’re being bullied the first thing you should do is inform a responsible adult – for instance, a parent.

  ‘Mum,’ I said, ‘bad things are happening at school.’

  ‘Have you disinfected your hands?’ She’d put a squeezy bottle of disinfectant gel by the front door.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Then don’t worry. We’re not going to catch the virus, and even if there’s a total breakdown in law and order, we’ve got pasta. We’ve got candles. We’ve got water. We could last out for weeks. We’re not scared. We’re prepared.’

  ‘Great.’

  I also mentioned it to my dad.

  ‘When I had trouble at school,’ he said, ‘you know what I did? I sneaked into our yard when everyone else was asleep and tried to summon Batman. I got a big rubber bat from a joke shop and shone a torch at it on to the side of our house – to make the Bat-Signal.’ Dad has always been unusually serious about comics.

  ‘Did it work?’

  ‘No. You know why?’

  ‘Because Batman’s not a real person?’

  ‘Exactly. If you need a hero, you have to be one. Sometimes – for instance if you are the youngest and the littlest in your year – you might think, How ca
n I be the hero? I’m the littlest in my year. But there’s more than one kind of hero. There are heroes with shocking great muscles who can stop a speeding train with their bare hands, thus saving the passengers from Certain Death. But there are also skinny little heroes who destroy big bullies using only their superior intelligence and cunning.’

  ‘But I don’t have superior intelligence or cunning.’

  ‘But I do.’ And to prove it he showed me his antigravity trick. In the Rory Rooney comic there was a diagram to show you how to do this trick.

  Humiliate Bullies with this

  Simple Antigravity Trick

  1 Ask the bully to pick you up and then they pick you up.

  2 Ask them to put you down and try again.

  3 While they’re getting ready to lift you, allow your own body to go limp. Concentrate on a spot on the floor, between their legs.

  4 Put your arms out, forcing the bully to pick you up by your forearms. When they pick you up, gently press on the inside of their elbow joint with your thumbs. Continue to concentrate on the spot on the ground and to keep your body limp.

  5 They will not be able to lift you up. Works every time.

  ‘Are you sure it works every time?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  So I tried that.

  After Grim picked me up the first time I was about to say, ‘Now . . . put me down and try to pick me up again.’ This is when you do the part with the thumbs and staring at the floor, etc. In fact, when I said, ‘Now put me down –’ Grim did put me down – face down – DUNK! – in the wheelie bin.

  In every story there are Heroes and Villains, winners and losers. If you don’t decide which you are, someone else will decide for you. Someone like Grim Komissky.

  The Chocolate Frisbee of Doom . . .

  Every superhero has a nemesis. Batman has the Joker. Spider-Man has the Green Goblin. Superman has Lex Luther.

  My nemesis was Grim Komissky.

  If I was a superhero, how would I fight my nemesis?

  ‘If you were a superhero,’ said my sister Ciara, ‘what would you be called?’

  ‘I don’t need a secret identity. I need Grim Komissky to stop hurting me.’