"Yeah. I really am. Okay, I'm going to wash my face and we'll get this show on the road."
"Daddy's home," Jake said, running from the room, his chubby legs pumping furiously. A moment later Tyler was standing in the middle of the room, Jake on his shoulders.
"Ash, nice to see you. Where's Sunny?" he boomed. Then in a whisper he said, "Did you talk to her?"
"You know women. She's splashing perfume or something." Ash nodded and whispered in return, "It's under control."
In the family room there were more hugs and kisses, more oohs and aahs, as Tyler showed off his new daughter.
"She looks so much like Sunny it's uncanny. Do you agree, Ash?" Fanny said as she reached for her granddaughter.
138 Fern Michaels
"It was my first thought when I saw Sunny holding her. I brought a present. Will you get it, Birch? I want you to know I sweated this present, kiddo, but I managed to track it down. It's used, secondhand if you will, but I thought you'd like it."
There was a mild scurry as brothers and sister ran to the courtyard to bring in Polly's gifts. They laughed over the tricycle and scooter. Sunny openly frowned at the puppy in the basket. "I don't think so, Mom. Not now. Jake might hurt it without meaning to and I don't have the time to train a dog. Please don't be offended, but you'll have to take her back. I appreciate the bond. Thanks, Mom and Uncle Simon."
"C'mon, c'mon, open mine," Ash said.
"It's almost too pretty to open," Sunny said breathlessly. "Okay, here goes." She removed the large red bow and the silver foil paper. Nestled inside the large box, amid mounds of tissue paper, was a complete layette.
"Your mother made you one just like this when you were born. I convinced her to make another one for the fund-raiser at the medical center. It fetched the most money in the raffle. A doctor's wife bought it. She saved it all these years. I tracked her down through the medical center and got her to agree to part with it. This layette is what convinced your mom to go into business. Sunny's Togs are the result. The woman said it's in mint condition. Do you like it?"
"Oh, Dad, this is super. What an absolutely wonderful gift. Mom, it's exquisite. I'll save it for Polly's first baby."
Fanny stared at Ash, her mouth dropping open. The urge to put her fist to her ex-husband's face was so strong, she clutched at the puppy until it squealed.
Simon leaned over to take the puppy and whispered, "Easy does it, Fanny."
"Thank you all for the wonderful presents. Listen, there's something I want to tell all of you before the minister gets here. Please, let me say what I have to say and when I'm finished, let's not beat it to death. I don't want any discussions, any advice, or any of that stuff."
Sunny reached for her husband's hand. Ash reached out to take her other hand. He squeezed it.
Sunny talked steadily, her eyes on Bess, who was holding Polly. "So, that's the way it is. Dad's going to go with me. He's going to be my . .. backbone until mine stiffens up a little more. I'll deal with it, and I'll handle it the best way I can. I have the best husband in the world, and I know he's going to be there for me. When whatever it is I have is under control I'm going to go back to work at the casino. I guess that's it and in the nick of time. I hear Reverend Gillespie so let's get Polly christened so we can enjoy the party and just being together. Is everyone okay with this?" Sunny beamed at the smiles and nods.
Fanny could feel her insides start to quiver. All she wanted to do was run from the room and cry. Everyone had to be as aware as she was that her daughter had difficulty looking her in the eye. Her hug had been a mere touching of the shoulders and there had been no kiss, or smooch, as Sunny referred to a real kiss. She hates it that I got married and moved away, Fanny thought.
Baby Polly voiced her opinion of the christening with one long, loud wail. She was asleep in Billie's arms a moment later.
For the first time in her life, Fanny felt like an outsider. It showed in the stiffness of her shoulders and the grim set of her jaw.
After the ceremony, the young people moved off toward the kitchen and the patio, Ash and Simon headed for the cemetery. Fanny looked at Bess.
"It's going to be okay, Fanny. All you need to think about now is the end result. It doesn't matter how or why Sunny gets there. Let Ash do the father thing. I saw something in his eyes, Fanny, when Sunny was talking. It was good. Usually you, me, the world, can read Ash Thornton. Today was unlike anything I've ever seen where he's concerned. Maybe that's what's bothering you. This time he might come through all the way for Sunny."
"I refuse to believe that. I know Ash."
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"You used to know Ash. The puppy wasn't a good idea, but then I guess you know that. If Sunny is feeling deserted, the puppy was just a reminder of that desertion. You cut the strings, Fanny. Don't attempt to tie a knot now to make things better. It is what it is. You're entitled to a life of your own. You paid your dues, and it's your turn now. You are happy, aren't you, Fanny?"
"Actually, I'm not happy at all, Bess. My marriage is . . . was ... a mistake. I think I'm finally ready to talk about it. I feel like I don't belong here."
' 'You don't. You're damn right we'll talk about it later. Your kids get their own lives, you get yours, if you're lucky, and everyone gets on with the business of living. Or, moving on if you prefer that term. I like to think of it as my time in the sun."
"Bess, the last time I saw Jake was at his christening. He's three years old. I can't tell you where those three years went. They're gone, and I can't get them back. I don't even know that little boy. What's worse, he doesn't know me. I know in my heart Sunny left him with a sitter when Sage and Iris got married just to keep him from me. Sunny looked right through me. All those calls, every single day. They meant something to her. I... oh, Bess, I thought of them as interruptions because that's how Simon viewed it. More often than not I'd hurry her off the phone. My God, what did I do in the name of love that's now sour?"
' 'You had the audacity to reach out for some happiness with a new life. We'll talk about that new life when you're ready. Stop being so hard on yourself. Mother-daughter love is something that can never be destroyed, no matter what."
"You're wrong, Bess. I feel it here," Fanny said, thumping her chest. "Maybe I'll stay on for a little while. Simon can handle things back at the ranch. I'm not sure I even want to go back there. With him."
"Were you invited?" Bess asked bluntly.
"No. I should . . . don't I ... I need an invitation?"
"Absolutely. You never take anything for granted where
kids are concerned, and it doesn't make any difference how old those kids are."
"This is my house," Fanny said defensively.
"Was your house. Another family lives here now."
"Are you saying I'm not welcome?"
"Fanny, I don't know. So much is going on right now. You could offer to stay. Sunny would probably view it as after the fact. That's just my personal opinion. If it were me, I don't think I would even offer. You need to go back home and settle your own life. If Sunny needs you, she knows where to find you."
"You make it sound like I'm forcing myself on my daughter. I don't much care for this conversation. My children are like yo-yos, Bess. They keep switching sides and that shouldn't be. A parent's love is unconditional. A child's isn't. Someday I hope I'm wise enough to understand it all. I'd leave right now if Billie and Thad weren't coming."
' 'That's something Ash would do, not something Fanny does. Shift into neutral and ... what is it Ash says? Oh, yes, play the game, it's the only one in town. Go join your daughters and daughter-in-law in the kitchen. Just be Fanny."
Fanny walked into her old kitchen. It was Sunny's kitchen now, warm and light with plants and herbs on the windowsill and shiny copper pots hanging from the beams. A colorful rag rug sat beneath the huge claw-footed table. There were baskets of flowers on the hearth and a new red plaid cushion on her old rocker. Bess was right, this wasn't her kitchen any more
than the rest of the house was hers.
At some point during her scrutiny of the kitchen she'd become aware of a change in the tone and the conversation.
"Am I interrupting anything serious?"
"Of course not, Mom," Billie said. "We were trying to figure out what it will take to get Birch to the altar with Lily. Bachelorhood isn't that wonderful."
Fanny had never been able to warm up to Lily Bell. Secretly she thought Birch could do much better, but she would have cut out her tongue before she voiced such an opinion.
E42 Fern Michael-
"Birch was always a slow starter. He builds up to thin r Fanny said lightly. "How's your family. Lr
"Mom and Dad went on a cruise. When they make a port
.ail Dad golfs and Mom shops. They're bringing Sage and me grass skirts anc -vears he" 11 dance for all of us wearing
It should be interesting because he has two left feet."
"I would like to see that He has rhythm though,* 1 Fanny smiled. "Do you use the studio much. Sunr.
"I haven't been in it since the day we moved in. It's not locked if you want to go down there
just curious. Ir seems a shame to waste the space now that we've moved the officea back to town.''
"We can't disturb the shrine." Sunny said as she nestled small baby carrots next to thin slivers of cucumber on a sl
She wasn't going to touch that one. Because she was the closest. Fanny reached out to take the tray from Sum-hands just as Jake charged through the kitchen door, his father in pursuit. The tray fell and skidded across the floor.
"I'm sorry, it was my fault" Fanny said, dropping to her knees to pick up th Ma our fault Sunn;
b hadn't dropped it I would have. I drop everything. j ou need to stand Jake m the comer. He knows better than to charge through the door like that."
"Honey. He's onl> three. Three-year-old the attentioo
span of a gnat'" The moment the wo: e out of her mot
:-rted them.
"• was it good enough for us and not for him?
Some of my earliest memories are of 'don't run. walk or you'D
■ fanny paddled' Getting paddled when I didn't listen is
another unforgettable memory. Long-distance grandmothering
-n't work these days. Mom."
"I see that" Fanny said as she put the ables in the
disposal. "I think 1*11 go If there's anything you want
me to do. call me."
"Sure. Mom." Billie said.
"Simon put her back in her basket in the car. I'm sorry about the dog. I guess neither Simon nor I thought it through." Fanny's tone was apologetic, defensive. The urge to reach for her daughter and shake her made her quicken her pace.
Outside in the bright sunshine, Fanny wandered aimlessly through the garden, stopping to pick a flower from time to time. How many hours she'd spent in this very garden. Once it had been a comforting place to sit and think, a place where she found solace in her troubled marriage. More than once she and Ash had made love on the springy green grass. It was silent now. She looked overhead to see if there were any birds nestled in the trees.
Fanny sat down and reached for a long blade of grass. She placed it between her fingers and brought it to her lips. An earsplitting sound echoed around the garden. Once she'd had a contest with her mother-in-law. She couldn't remember who had won. The little contest had been one of her nicest memories, and now she barely remembered it.
"A penny for your thoughts, Fanny."
"Tyler. I'm afraid they aren't worth even a penny. Where's Jake?"
"Napping. He plays hard and falls asleep on his feet. How are you, Fanny?"
"I thought I was fine until I got here. The truth is I can't wait to leave. I don't feel like I belong here, and I also don't feel welcome."
"I live here, thanks to your generosity, and I feel just the way you do sometimes. These last two years have not been easy."
"Why didn't you say something'"
"Why didn't you ask, Fanny? Sunny's your daughter. We talked about her several times. If there was anyone in the world she'd listen to, it was you. You didn't take the time. 1 guess I'm blaming you. It isn't right, but it's how I feel."
"Honesty ts always good. A person would be a fool not to respect an honest statement of fact. Are you asking me it I'm going to defend myself for the last three years?"
144 Fern Michaels
"Only if you feel the need to explain. At this point I really don't care where you've been or what you've been doing. My only concern is my stubborn wife and my two children. Is that honest enough for you?''
Fanny stared at her son-in-law. She saw the torment and anger in his eyes, noticed his clenched fists. She adored this young man with the magical hands, hands that could reconstruct a person's face after a bad accident and make that person whole again. She knew he was a good husband and father. ' 'Of course. Let me make sure I understand this. What you're saying is you're holding me responsible for Sunny's condition. You're her husband, Tyler. You live with her every day. Why couldn't you get her to a doctor? Surely you must have watched her deteriorate. I wasn't here."
"My point exactly. A psychiatrist I spoke with told me women, Sunny in particular, want to be perfect for their husbands. That means no warts, no nothing. When deformities, real or imaginary, show up, the wart holder feels inferior and starts to go into a shell. Confiding in a mother who loves unconditionally, accepts everything unconditionally, is the way to go. That mother gives emotional support. To Sunny you were her cherry Popsicle but you didn't show up to hand it to her. I know she calls you every day because I see the phone bills. What in the goddamn hell did you think. Fanny?"
Fanny felt her insides start to crumple. "I think I thought she wasn't happy. I swear to you, each time she called I asked how she was and asked if there was anything I could do. I invited her to the ranch, but she declined, said she didn't want to come without you and you were too busy. She never once asked me to come here. If she had asked, I would have come. I think you know that, Tyler."
Tyler shrugged. His voice was frosty when he said, "I went to Ash. I have to say he was already on top of it. You have to give the devil his due. Fanny. He came. saw. and did what you should have done."
"That's so cruel, Tyler."
"It's a fact. You can't dispute a fact. I came here to tell you Billie and Thad have arrived and they're on the patio."
Fanny nodded because she didn't trust herself to speak. She watched her son-in-law walk away. She wished she could cry, but her eyes felt dry and hot. The rest of her body felt icy cold.
Fanny straightened her shoulders and strode up the path to the patio. Her smile was warm and all-encompassing when she hugged Billie and Thad.
4 'Fanny, this baby is so beautiful I never want to let her go. She looks like Sunny. Sit, sit, and tell me what's going on and then I'll tell you horror stories about Washington. I can't wait till we get married. Keeping two residences is ridiculous," she whispered. "I heard about the pup and Thad and I are going to take her if you don't object. He's got her inside his shirt. He's some guy. I didn't think I could ever be this happy, Fanny. You aren't exactly blooming. Do you want to go for a walk and talk?"
"I'd like that. Let me check first to see if there's anything I can do to help."
"Not a thing, Fanny," Bess said. "Be back in an hour. John's barbecuing, and he wants to hear compliments."
"Are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
"That's good because we have to leave right after dinner. Thad rented a plane to make the trip. He has to be back in Washington at the crack of dawn. We'll make it with the time difference. God, I hate politics."
Billie linked her arm with Fanny's. "Now, tell me what's wrong."
Fanny told her. "I want to cry," she said. "I need to cry, but I can't."
They talked, these two old friends who understood family, and who had shared more tragedy in their lives than most people experienced in a lifetime.
"When is it my turn, Billie? Why is this my fault? They're all blaming me. I can see it in their faces. Ash . . . Ash has taken my place. I swear on my children, Billie, I don't begrudge
146 Fern Michaels
what he's doing as long as his motives are pure. I don't believe they are, and I hope I'm wrong. I'd give up my life for any one of my children just the way you would.
"I was sitting in the garden before and I started to think about Sallie. She knew her children would break her heart. She talked about it so often. It has to be me, Billie. My children keep switching up. One minute they side with me, the next it's with their father. Why can't it just be all of us? They have every right to love their father. That doesn't mean they have to like all the things he does. The same goes for me. They constantly choose sides and smack in the middle of all of this is Simon. If I had married anyone but Simon, things would be just fine. I don't know what to do."
' 'What did Sallie always tell us? When you don't know what to do, do nothing. That's my advice, Fanny. You want to stay here now, don't you?"
"Part of me does, but as Bess pointed out, I wasn't invited. Simon and I will be right behind you when you leave. Ash will be here for Sunny. If I believed in my heart that there was something I could do, nothing in this world could make me leave. It's a terrible feeling not to be needed or wanted by your own children."
"At this point in time, Fanny, your children love you as much as you love them. This is one of those crises that pop up from time to time when everyone goes off the deep end. Things always right themselves later on. Do whatever feels right to you, Fanny. You can call me any time of the day or night. You know that. When you have more of a grip on things, we can take a vacation together. We could go back to that little house in Arizona that belonged to Sallie and Devin. Or if you feel the need to get away to lick your wounds, you could go alone. Did you ever tell Simon about that little house?"
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