"Fanny, let's not get into that right now. Let's just say God acts in mysterious ways and let it go at that. My mother always said you never question God nor do you make bargains with Him."
"I find myself wondering what I did wrong. First Ash, then Sunny, and now Birch. Maybe I wasn't supposed to marry Simon. Maybe I'm not supposed to be happy. Why can't I cry, Bess?"
"Because you're numb. Crying just makes your eyes red and ugly. Remember how my mother used to tell us that all the time? It's true."
"I don't feel anything. It's as if someone took away my insides and the rest of me is just a shell. I can walk and I can talk, but I can't feel."
"Why did you go to the cottage, Fanny?"
"I had to do some hard thinking. Mostly about Sunny. I knew if I didn't get it all straight in my head, I would start to cover myself in guilt. I don't want to live with guilt. I had to do some thinking about Simon, too. We didn't have that talk, did we, Bess? I know now I was wrong. I never should have allowed Simon to dictate to me. I stepped over the line where Sunny was concerned. I have to find a way to make it right. At one point, early on, Tyler more or less, without actually coming out and saying the words, implied that Sunny was playacting to get attention. He worked long hours and she was alone a lot and there was trouble with Ash. Three doctors said they couldn't find anything wrong with her. John felt as I did, but we couldn't drag her wherever we thought she should go. Did John ever tell you Sunny told him if he didn't get out of her life she'd get her brothers and sister to agree to remove him from the staff?''
"No, he never told me that."
"Well she did. John backed off just the way I did. I wish you had a phone in this car so I could call the center. Does . . . Birch have a lot of tubes in him?"
"Uh-huh. He's hooked up to a lot of machines. It's frightening at first when you see them until you realize they're keeping him alive. Like John says, Birch is young, he's healthy, and he's a fighter."
"And he's in a coma."
There didn't seem to be any comment to Fanny's statement. Bess drove on in silence.
A long time later, Bess said, "I'll drop you off in front and park the car. ICU is on the fifth floor."
Fanny pressed the elevator button. Your firstborn son will break your heart. Fanny whirled around, certain she'd heard Sallie's voice. You need to be strong, Fanny. Not for the others, for yourself.
Inside the elevator, Fanny pushed the number 5. When the door closed, she whispered, "Are you here, Sallie? You are. I can feel your presence. Does that mean you're here to take ... my son? Tell me, please." When there was no response to her plea, Fanny's shoulders slumped, then squared immediately when the doors of the elevator slid open to reveal her family in the small waiting area. No one rose to their feet, no one greeted her except Simon, who held out his hand. You need to be strong, Fanny. Not for the others, for yourself
"Where is he, Simon? I want to see him."
"Ten minutes on the hour, Fanny. It's the rule."
"Then break the damn rule. I want to see my son."
"The second door on the right," Simon said.
Fanny heard the whirring sound of Ash's wheelchair. She turned in time to hear him hiss, ' 4 What the hell makes you so damn special? You abide by the rules, that's what makes this place work. We've been sitting here for four days with two and a quarter minutes each every hour. Suddenly the Queen of the Mountain decides to show up and claim the time for herself. It doesn't work that way, Fanny. Sit down."
"You're absolutely right, Ash. I'm sorry. Will they let me look through the glass?"
"No."
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"Can I get you something to drink, Fanny?" Simon asked, his hand tight on her arm.
"No. Have you seen him, Simon?"
"For a few minutes. I didn't want to take the time away from the kids and Ash. He looks like he's sleeping. Ash is in charge, Fanny. From what I've seen, it's not a bad thing. I'll go get us some coffee while you talk to him. He needs to talk to you."
Fanny walked over to Ash. "It's twenty minutes to the hour. That gives us twenty minutes. Can we talk? Someplace other than here. The end of the hall looks empty."
Fanny walked alongside the whining wheelchair. "Ash, I'm sorry about before. I just wanted to see him right away. I want you to tell me the truth. How is he? Has there been any change since the first day?"
"Absolutely no change at all. I don't know how he is, Fanny. The doctors don't say much. You know how doctors are. Tyler and John keep us updated hourly. It's as though he's in a deep sleep. Birch was always a deep, sound sleeper. Remember that time we rang a bell in his ear and he didn't move a muscle?" Ash's voice cracked then. Fanny placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"I remember. So many memories. All of them good with the exception of a few, and they don't matter."
"What will we do, Fanny, if he doesn't make it?"
"I don't know, Ash. I guess you go on because you don't have a choice. Just pray that doesn't happen."
"Do you seriously think God's going to listen to me? Give me a break."
"You don't know that He won't. Let's go to the chapel. It's just around the corner."
"I can't remember the words. It's been so long since I prayed."
"I know the words. I'll say them aloud and you can repeat them after me. When it's down to the wire, it's all that's left to any of us." Fanny reached for Ash's hand. He grasped it gratefully.
*'Fanny, the kids ... I want you to know I didn't say a word to them. I told them you'd be here. I tried to do what you would have done if you'd been here. I admit I'm a pretty poor substitute, but I did my best. We pulled together. Sunny went off the deep end for a little while, but she's back on track now. I don't want to see you trying to cuddle up to them. They'll turn on you. You have a right to your life, and I told them so. If they don't understand that or if they refuse to accept it, it's their problem."
Fanny nodded as she guided Ash into the small chapel. She lowered her voice "Ash, about Sunny, I want to thank you for getting through to her. It stung a little at first, but I'm okay with it. I did desert her, and I did neglect her. I'll find a way to try and make it right. I want you to know that."
"Do you think I don't know that? We got down and dirty and pulled it all out. Do you know what her defense is?"
"I can't even begin to imagine."
Ash cleared his throat. "Sunny said she wanted to be perfect like you. She refused to believe her symptoms were anything but, as she put it, pregnancy and new mother pains. Ignore it and it will go away was her philosophy. I don't want you to have regrets, Fanny. You were and still are a wonderful mother. I was and probably still am a lousy father. You can cry in here. Everyone does. I see them when they come out. I come in here once a day and just sit."
"She said that?" Fanny wailed. "Do you cry, Ash?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I do. There was some guy in here the other day bawling his head off. I tried to offer him some comfort. I told him about my accident and about Birch. Turns out he's the top surgeon here. He operated on a ten-year-old boy and lost him on the operating table. When he was leaving, he said something Mom always used to say, God never gives you more than you can handle. I'm ready to pray if you are."
"Our father who art ..."
Simon quietly withdrew from the doorway. His features were so tormented he didn't see Bess until he bumped into her. "I
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don't think it means what you think it means, Simon. Parents tend to stick together in situations like this."
Simon nodded. "Do they hold hands and pray together? I'm asking because I've never been in a situation like this before. Maybe I should leave. I feel like I'm in the way."
"Do whatever feels right. There's no protocol in matters like this. I'll take that coffee if you aren't going to drink it." Simon handed over the plastic cup. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Ash and Fanny coming down the hallway.
"You can have my time, Fanny. I'll sit here and talk to
Simon and Bess." Fanny flew down the hall.
Inside the dim, cool room, Fanny was only aware of her son. The machines, the tubes, the beeping sounds didn't exist. She reached out to touch Birch's hand, certain the words she was searching for would be forthcoming. Her mouth was dry, her tongue felt as if it were two sizes too big for her mouth. She realized then that there were no special words. In the end all she could do was let the tears roll down her cheeks and whisper, "I'm here, Birch."
"I know. I smelled your perfume when you walked in."
Fanny threw her head back as she bit down on her lower Up. Her tears continued to flow. Thank you, God.
"Oh, Birch, you're talking. How long have you been awake?"
"I don't know. Is it important?"
"Probably not."
"I had this bad dream that I was in a deep, dark hole, like a well of some kind and Sunny kept yelling and yelling. She wouldn't stop. Dad and Billie started to pull me out, and I kept slipping back. Then I smelled your perfume so I knew they must have pulled me out and I was okay." A second later he was asleep.
Fanny ran from the room and was almost run over by the team of doctors and nurses. "He's awake. He talked to me. Birch talked to me. He fell asleep again, but he's okay. Oh, Ash, Birch is going to be okay. I know it. I feel it."
"What did he say? Mom, tell us everything," Sunny squealed.
Fanny told them, word for word. "He smelled my perfume. Can you imagine?"
"See! See! I told you if you talk to coma patients they hear you. That's all I did. I yelled at him. I did and said everything I could think of. Sage did the same thing. Birch thought he was dreaming, but he wasn't—he was struggling to come out of that dark place. It worked. Did you believe me? No, you did not. From now on you will all listen when I tell you something. He didn't say anything else, did he?" Sunny asked.
"Only what I told you."
"I think those prayers worked," Ash said as he reached for Fanny's hand. Fanny clasped it tightly in both her hands. Simon left quietly and walked down the corridor to the elevator. He wished he was a kid again so he could crawl into a corner and suck his thumb. For the first time in his life he felt truly displaced.
10
Fanny looked at the kitchen clock and then at the calendar. It was hard to believe thirty days had passed since Birch's accident. Today he was coming home and tomorrow she was going back to the ranch, back to Simon. Her adrenaline started to flow at the thought of what would happen when she saw her husband again. Struggling to keep the conversation going on the phone twice a day was something she didn't want to think about. She wondered again, and not for the first time, how she'd managed to survive in this chrome-and-glass modern penthouse apartment that was Ash's home. She sipped at her coffee as she looked around. There wasn't one single thing in the kitchen that said anyone actually lived here. There wasn't
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a fingerprint anywhere on the shiny glass and chrome. There were no colorful chair cushions, no green plants, there wasn't even a window to decorate with curtains. She hated it, hated the bouncy chrome chair and the glass-topped table that tilted if you propped your elbows on it. Nor did she like looking at her feet through the glass tabletop.
Fanny heaved a mighty sigh. Tomorrow she'd be back at the ranch, back in her cozy kitchen with the red-checkered curtains and matching cushions on the worn, scarred oak chairs she'd found in an antique store. She wondered if Simon had watered the plants in the kitchen, the plants that she nurtured so tenderly. Of course he hadn't. Simon never did anything unless it affected him in some way. There would be mounds of dirty dishes in the sink. Her plants would be yellow and wilted. There would be dust on all the furniture. The same sheets would probably still be on the bed.
Right now, this very second, she knew Simon was sitting in his rocker by the fieldstone fireplace with his feet propped on the hearth, reading the paper, the small kitchen television set on the counter turned low. He'd be listening with one ear, muttering about excessively cheerful people at six in the morning.
Today was the most important day of her long stay. Ash and Sunny would be back from Johns Hopkins, Birch would be home, and she'd finally get to pack her bags in preparation to going home. Maybe, if things went well, she could leave later in the day and surprise Simon. Would he be surprised? She dreaded the trip because it was time to make decisions. Time to take charge of her life. Time to tell Simon the way it was going to be from now on.
Fanny wandered into the living room and turned on the television set. She watched an early-morning rerun of Mannix. All problems solved in sixty minutes allowing for commercial breaks. Life should be so simple and wonderful.
She hated this place. Truly hated it. She would shrivel up and die if she had to live in this shiny, forever-light place. She snorted when she remembered asking Ash if the windows could
be opened. He'd stared at her as if she'd sprouted a second head and said, "Why would you want to open the windows when you have air conditioning?" Maybe the word hate wasn't strong enough. She needed to think of other things.
Her eye fell on the stack of mail on the glass-topped table. A funeral home thank-you card from Lily Bell's half sister and brother. "We appreciate your family's kindness during our bereavement." Signed, Anna and Paul Bell. How sad that there was no warmth, no smiles, no anything. They'd all gone to the funeral, paying for it as well. Sage had ordered the stone, closed the bookstore, and filed all the necessary papers. All Lily's assets would eventually be turned over to Anna and Paul. It had been a bad time for all of them. Birch had been stone-faced when he listened to the details. It was only later that Sage had told his mother what happened the night of the accident. Shy, quiet Lily had instigated a fight the moment they got into the car because Birch had told her he was having second thoughts about marriage and wanted to cool their relationship until he could get a better perspective on his feelings. Lily had grabbed the wheel and told Birch to pull over so they could settle it right then and there. He lost control and the car went over the side.
Birch, Sage said, would carry his guilt for a very long time. He would require several months of therapy, fresh air, and good food. He would mend. Would he ever be the same old Birch? Fanny simply didn't know. What she did know was she'd been there for her son, twenty-four hours a day once he came out of his coma. Not because of some misguided sense of guilt, but because she wanted to be with her son, to encourage him, to be there for him. It had taken its toll on her, though. She was hollow-eyed, and she'd lost eight pounds. Birch was on the road to recovery. She said a prayer that Sunny would be as fortunate. In just a few hours she'd know the outcome of all of Sunny's testing. In one hour the results would be in and then Ash and Sunny would fly home. A celebratory luncheon at Sage and Iris's house was scheduled for noon.
How was she to while away the hours until noon? Maybe
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she should go shopping and fix this place up. Ash would probably throw a fit if she tried to create a homey atmosphere in the penthouse. She shuddered when she thought of the shimmery, quilted black bedspread. She'd ripped the black satin sheets off in the blink of an eye and added cornflower blue flannel ones because Ash kept the temperature at 60 degrees and threatened to cut off her fingers if she played with the thermostat. Fanny scratched the whole idea of changing the apartment and opted for a bubble bath instead. She could bring in the portable phone and have a risque conversation with Simon while she soaked. Provided Simon was in the mood for a risque conversation, which he probably wasn't.
Fanny walked into Sage's house at ten minutes of twelve. 'It's good to see you, Fanny," Iris said, hugging her. Sage kissed her lightly on the cheek.
"Where's Birch?" Fanny asked.
"Drinking a cold beer on the patio. He wants to sit in the sun and get some of his color back. Iris is going to fatten him up in no time. He's a little jittery, and he isn't talking too much. I guess that's normal considering what he's gone through. Can I get you a soft drink?"<
br />
"Sure, honey. Iris, can I help?"
"It's under control. I'm just so happy I have the day off. Later I'm going to scrub the kitchen and bathroom. I miss doing all those things, believe it or not. I guess underneath it all I'm just a homebody like my mother. I can't wait to have a baby. Sage and I want a whole houseful of kids," she blurted. Fanny laughed.
"You're sure there's nothing I can do?"
"I'm positive. I'm trying to show off a little for my husband. He thinks of me as a bookworm."
"Then I guess I'll keep my son company for a little while."
Fanny sat down across from Birch. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?"
"There were days when I didn't think I'd make it. I think
I ... no, I know I now have a healthy respect for what Dad endures every day. I have a long road ahead of me, but I'll make it. I have this guilt about Lily. Everything was fine that day until Sunny said something, and for the life of me I can't even remember what it was she said, and suddenly, everything changed for me. Lily knew it, too, because she got really quiet. What does that make me, Mom?"
"It makes you human. It was a tragic accident with tragic consequences."
"How was the funeral?"
"It was a funeral, Birch. You have to put it behind you and go on."
"I guess so. Mom, I've been thinking about something. Promise me you won't laugh when I tell you, okay?"
"I promise."
"I want to leave here when the doctors discharge me. I need to find my own way. I'm sick of the casino business, sick of never seeing sunlight. Sage found his niche, and now it's time for me to find mine. One of the therapists told me about this place in Oregon where I could commune with nature, and from there work into a trail guide. I think I need to do something like that. At least for a little while. Sage and I drifted apart these last few years. I always thought we'd be inseparable forever. I've learned nothing is forever. I don't think I'll ever take anything for granted again."
"It sounds like you've learned a lot in the past thirty days, Birch."
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