by Jason Luthor
Yet as I stood there with the breath in my lungs burning out of my nostrils, I heard the dark voice again, speaking to me.
“Pity. Your lack of curiosity disappoints me, David Marshall.”
I fled the room.
Recording Thirty-Nine
I think it’s funny that so many things feel so dramatic and tense in your life, and then it’s all just . . . over. And it’s not like there’s a sense of finality to it. It’s more, like, you start asking yourself, what’s next? Because, honestly, the minute me and the crew are done getting more supplies, we have to pretty much get back to business as usual. We still have to watch out for the Creep, and we still have to keep an ear out in case there are any Cultists around. You know, that sort of thing.
Not that it’s exactly the same. You don’t go through a big hunt trying to rescue someone and risk your life half a dozen times then expect to stay the same. We’re all changing, because life. I mean, some of us more than others, but still. Like Tommy and Dodger. I don’t know entirely what’s going on there, but at least Tommy’s finally found a way to check that massively large ego of his. If that’s because of her then more, please. And Mike? Well, Mike’s different than I remember, but that makes sense, right? It’s like, the more I talk with him, the more I realize it’s not because he’s changed into some super mature person I can’t chill with or anything. It’s just more like, we never really knew each other in the first place. And, really, that’s nobody’s fault, you just get these ideas in your head about what other people are like and who you are. Then you stick with those ideas. The thing is, I’m not thirteen year old Jackie that needs him to rescue me. He’s not too cool older guy Mike that I didn’t think needed anyone. It’s like I’ve said, I’ve had a pretty bad habit of thinking people were certain things they’re not, but they’re way more complicated than you think. That’s the cool part about getting older though. You get to really know people. And so, yeah, this horribly terrible journey we’re going to be on is actually going to be the first time that we actually have extended time to chat with each other. Which is weird, and awful, and strange all at the same time that it’s crazy and exciting. But life’s always kind of a little like that. Just, not always with creepy overgrown muscle biomass growing around you.
So, I guess what’s really changed is me. Or, maybe it’s more like I finally figured out how to answer questions about who I am. I’m still Jackie, obviously, even if I still can't give you a whole answer about what that means. Please. I wish I knew. What I think I’ve figured out is that I’m surrounded by people who’ve got my back, and I totally never realized that I was the one pushing them away. And then, somehow, I’ve become Miss Put-My-Life on the line. Like, something in me just isn’t going to let them get hurt. It isn’t going to let the people on the upper floors down. It’s weird. I just have this urge to protect people. And I hate people.
Or, at least, I used to. At the very worst, I just dislike a lot of them now.
But, really, I think I’m just okay with wanting what I want. I wanted to save Mike. I want to get to know him better. I want to keep searching for ground, if it’s there. I want to wear a stupid dress to a stupid dance one day and decide for myself if I like it or not. And I’m tired of overthinking what people think of me and what I want, because it turns out I was never as good at reading minds as I thought I was. Everyone I thought was terrible was actually pretty chill. They would’ve never cared if I was the girliest girl in the Tower or just copped to being a total sports head and tech geek. They would’ve been cool with whoever I was.
God. Okay, recorder, enough with the drama. Everyone’s going to think I’m weird if I stay in this bedroom by myself any longer. Obviously, I’m going to keep recording in the future because, I mean, this is the only version of therapy that works for me. Although, I think I’ll start a new set of recordings because I feel like I’ve kind of closed a door behind me, and I don’t have a therapist anymore, so I’ve got to talk to someone.
Except, you know, that’s the funny part. It’s just now hitting me, like, smack in the face that I do have people to talk to. I finally figured that out, and all it took was putting my life on the line, way down here below Floor 21.
But you know? I can live with that.
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