The four of us load our plates with barbecue and potato salad, squeezing past other hungry kids. Someone jostles my elbow and I nearly drop my paper plate as we grab seats on the grass in front of the communications building.
Colton fist-bumps me. “Now that is what I’m talking about. Three barbecue sandwiches and a hot dog?”
“I’m starving,” I say, taking a big bite of the hot dog.
“Ugh,” Kelsey says. “I have heartburn just looking at Annie’s plate.”
I slurp some water in response.
“If this won’t end your drought, I don’t know what will,” Vanessa says to Kelsey as they gaze around at the guys.
Colton says in a deadpan tone, “I’ve never seen so many hot girls, myself.”
“So go talk to one,” Kelsey says.
“Then who would carry your Coke and silverware while you’re trying to balance your plate? You never would’ve made it through that buffet line without me.”
Kelsey pops a bite of potato salad in her mouth. “True. You’re a good manservant,” she says.
“And you’re a pain in my ass,” Colton replies.
“Why don’t y’all just do it already?” Vanessa blurts.
“Not gonna happen,” they say simultaneously, but the minute they stop talking, he pulls her hair out of her face so it doesn’t fall in her potato salad and she wipes crumbs off his chest.
We finish eating and go in search of dessert. On our way to grab cookies from the buffet, we pass a bunch of Delta Tau Kappa guys wearing T-shirts with their letters embroidered across their chests. I spot Jeremiah standing with two guys, chatting up a couple of girls. I haven’t seen him yet today because he ran in a race instead of pacing somebody…I kind of missed him. His pretty blue eyes meet mine. “Annie,” he calls, holding up one finger.
Vanessa grabs my elbow. Kelsey’s mouth drops open.
“You know somebody in DTK?” Colton asks in a rush. “That’s the fraternity I want to join. But it’s hard to get into unless you’re a legacy.”
“What does that mean?” I ask.
“Unless, like, your father or brother or cousin or somebody’s in it, it’s hard to get in. It’s the best fraternity on campus.”
“What’s so important about being in a frat?” I ask. I haven’t actually talked to Jeremiah about it yet.
“Good connections for jobs after school,” Colton says. “My father still plays golf and does business with people from his fraternity. But they don’t have a chapter of Kappa Theta here at MTSU. That’s what my dad is.”
“Why didn’t you just go to school where your father went?” I ask.
Colton glances at Kelsey, not answering my question.
Finished with his conversation, Jeremiah jogs up, his light brown hair bouncing everywhere. “Hey,” he says to me. “So your run went well this morning?”
“I finished in three hours, five minutes.”
He beams, crossing his arms. “Nice. How’s the knee? Did you get a good stretch in afterward? Or do you need a partner stretch now?”
“For the hundredth time, I do not need you to partner stretch me.” Ever since Jeremiah caught Matt doing those weird pretzel stretches with me, Jeremiah’s been offering to “partner stretch” me.
“How was your race?” I ask, thrilled to see he’s in one piece—no cuts, no bruises, all limbs intact.
“Not bad. I came in second place. Won a thousand dollars. That ought to cover my books for this semester.” I give Jeremiah a quick congratulatory hug and he tweaks my braid, like he likes to do.
“I haven’t been to the bookstore yet,” I say. “That’s really how much they cost?”
“It depends.”
Vanessa loudly says, “Ahem.” She, Kelsey, and Colton are watching us like we’re a movie.
“Oh,” I say. “I’m sorry. Guys, this is Jeremiah.” I introduce him to the girls and Colton and everyone shakes hands. Vanessa and Kelsey start sniggering like eighth graders and making eyes at the two of us. Jere laughs at that. I get a hankering to kill them all, Jeremiah included.
“So you’re in DTK?” Kelsey asks him.
“I am.”
“What year are you?” Vanessa asks.
“I’m a junior.”
She mouths at me, “He’s a junior!”
“What’s your major?” Kelsey says. Every person I’ve met in the past day has asked that question, and it’s starting to get real old because I have no real answer. Undecided but maybe physical therapy? Vanessa is majoring in accounting and Kelsey is thinking about journalism.
“Jere,” I say, rescuing him from the inquisition. “Colton is really interested in your fraternity.”
Jeremiah looks over at Colton, sizing him up. “You’re a friend of Annie’s? She hasn’t mentioned you before.”
Colton’s face starts to fall, but I speak up even though we’ve never hung out much. “Yeah, we went to high school together,” I say. “I’ve known Colton forever.”
Kelsey gives me a grateful look. No matter how much she and Colton try to play down their feelings, it’s obvious she cares deeply for him. They’ve been great friends ever since Kelsey moved into his neighborhood.
“We’re having a back-to-school party at the house tonight,” Jeremiah tells Colton. “We’re not starting rush until next month, but you should come to the party. Get to know some of the guys.” He walks over to another boy and grabs a couple fliers from him, then hands one to Colton.
“Thanks, man.”
Jeremiah offers the other flier to me, his eyes flickering to mine. “I hope you can make it. And Vanessa and Kelsey too.”
I look at the piece of paper. DTK: Back-to-School Beach Bash. Beach Volleyball Tourney. Bathing Suits Required!!!
“We’ll be there,” Kelsey says in a rush.
“Nice meeting you, Jere!” Vanessa says, then links her arm through mine and starts power-walking me toward the dorms. I glance over my shoulder at him and he waves.
Kelsey grabs my other elbow and hauls me even faster. Colton stays behind, continuing to talk to Jeremiah.
“Where are we going so fast?” I ask.
“You’ve been holding out on us, little missy!” Vanessa says.
“Who was that?” Kelsey says.
“Jeremiah Brown.”
“And who is Jeremiah Brown?”
I take a deep breath. Kelsey and Vanessa are all over me. “Why do you want to know?”
Vanessa gives me a look. “Who doesn’t love girl talk?”
“Let’s talk about you and Rory then,” I say.
“Bo-ring,” Kelsey sings. “They’ve been doing it for ages.”
Soon we’re back in our suite, piled on Vanessa’s bed. Kelsey is so excited, she seems to have temporarily forgotten our falling-out.
“How’d you meet Jeremiah?” Vanessa says. “I love his crazy hair.”
“And he has a great body,” Kelsey adds.
“And those tattoos on his arm! Oh my God, that’s hot—”
“He has The Flash on his shoulder blade,” I say. “The comic superhero guy.”
Kelsey and Vanessa giggle. “You’ve seen it?” Vanessa asks.
My lips begin to tremble.
“Spill already,” Vanessa says.
“I met him running on the trails.”
“He seemed interested in you today.”
I know he’s interested, I want to say. But I can’t. If I wasn’t so nervous to talk about this—about my feelings for Jeremiah, about how I’m not over Kyle, about how I’m worried to death Jeremiah’s going to hurt himself—it might feel good to have a girl talk.
When I was little, when Kelsey’s mom took care of me at night while my mother worked, Kelsey and I had slumber parties all the time. We draped sheets over the dining room table and pretended
to camp out and talked about everything. But our conversations grew different as we got older. We went from talking about Barbie, to learning cursive, to who had gotten their periods, to who we wanted our first kiss to be. That’s what today feels like, and the excitement makes my heart pound faster. But back then, even though I freaked out over every little last thing, nothing was truly at stake.
Everything is at stake with Jeremiah. I don’t want to lose him to some crazy sports accident. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, either. And like Liza said, sometimes it’s okay to be single. That’s what I need.
“Do you have a cute bikini for the party tonight?” Vanessa asks me. “If not, I bet one of Kelsey’s will fit you. Maybe the orange one with white polka dots?”
Kelsey nods quickly. “I’ve got a cute white sarong to go with it—”
“I’m not going,” I interrupt.
Vanessa slaps the mattress. “You have to go! I couldn’t believe the tension between y’all today.”
“That’s precisely why I don’t want to go.”
“What aren’t you telling us?” Kelsey asks slowly.
I fall over onto a pillow. “I hooked up with him.”
“What? When?” Vanessa squeals.
“Right after graduation. Um, when we were running.”
“You hooked up while running?” Kelsey asks, furrowing her eyebrows. “How does one hook up while running?”
“I thought only, like, Cirque du Soleil performers could do stuff like that!” Vanessa says.
I roll my eyes. “We were running on the trails by the Little Duck River and then we went down by the water.”
Vanessa and Kelsey glance at each other.
“So why haven’t you mentioned him?” Kelsey asks.
I pull myself into Indian style. “He didn’t call afterward…” And then I found this ring in Kyle’s bedroom. “And I just felt…”
The girls stare, waiting for me to finish.
“It felt wrong.” Saying that is sort of a lie, but the emotions are too complex to figure out.
“But do you like him?” Vanessa asks. “I could tell something was up between you guys.”
“We’re friends.”
My heart beats faster and faster when I think back to that moment on the banks of the river. Yeah, I’d never felt so turned on, so out of control, but lust and love are two different things. Love is far more dangerous.
“He’s not for me,” I say.
The girls let out sighs.
“We’re still going to this party, right?” Vanessa holds up the DTK flier.
“Yeah, maybe we’ll meet other guys there,” Kelsey says. “And we can both get rid of these droughts.”
“I don’t think Annie has a drought,” Vanessa says. “She hooked up like a circus performer while running, remember?”
I swat her with a pillow.
“Was the hookup fun?” Kelsey asks with a hopeful gleam in her eye.
We’re back in seventh grade again, chatting about our crushes, back when we always told each other the truth—our deepest secrets and fears and hopes and dreams.
That’s why I admit, “Jeremiah was really good.”
And they squeal.
•••
I’m not sure how, but I manage to convince Vanessa and Kelsey that I’m not ready for a party at the DTK house.
“My muscles are killing me from this morning’s run,” I say, which isn’t remotely a lie.
The girls exchange looks but ultimately give in. Vanessa did find me zonked out in an ice-pack puddle earlier today, after all. “Text us if you change your mind,” she says, checking her bikini in the mirror for the nth time.
“Is Rory gonna be pissed when he hears you went to a party without him?” I ask.
“Nope,” Vanessa says confidently. “I already texted him a picture of me in my bathing suit. He’s very happy now.”
“Ugh, I do not want to know what that means,” Kelsey says.
“Hey, you try having a long-distance relationship. It’s tough having my boyfriend two hours away.”
After one last quick mirror check—Kelsey adjusts the straps on her orange polka-dotted top and Vanessa adds another layer of lip gloss—they are out the door. I let out a deep breath.
I decide to read some of Mom’s book I found on the coffee table at home, a medical thriller about how a rogue FBI agent teams up with a hot doctor to stop a worldwide plague, then wash my face and start getting ready for bed. I roll my shoulders and stretch my arms. This morning’s run did a number on my poor body. I change into matching pink pajama shorts and a tank, then sit down on the rug and attempt to stretch out my legs. The long run made them stiffer than steel. I lean over onto the floor, pressing my nose to the rug. That’s when someone knocks on the door.
“Who is it?”
“Jere.”
Did he come to drag me to the party?
“Come in.”
He walks in and finds me pressing my face to the floor. “Is this your way of saying you want me to partner stretch you?”
I sit up straight, and the sight of him wipes the scowl clean off my face. He’s wearing long red board shorts, a cheesy neon green tank, and flip-flops. Sunglasses sit perched on top of his head. I don’t know if his outfit makes me want to die laughing or fan myself. It’s ridiculous, yet ridiculously attractive too.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“I’m here to beat you at something else. Now, I know you’re interested in being a nurse, but I think I can hold my own.” With a wicked grin, he holds up the board game Operation.
“Bring. It. On.”
We sprawl out on the floor with the game between us. I go first, carefully extracting the butterfly from the cartoon man’s stomach. Then Jeremiah plucks out the broken heart. My turn to get the wishbone.
“Why didn’t you come to the party?” he asks quietly.
I glance up. Because you scare me. “This morning’s run was hard. I just wanted to relax and not have to be social.”
He opens a bag of Swedish fish he brought and offers me one. I choose an orange fish. “I wish you had come—I wanted to show you around our house…but this is good too.”
“Yeah, most guys I know love playing Operation on Saturday nights.”
He chuckles. “You know what I meant. I like hanging out with my friend.”
“I like hanging out with my friend too.”
Soon it’s down to the wire. If I remove the wrenched ankle without hitting the board, I’ll win. I worry on my lip, my hand shaking as I descend toward the ankle. I grab the wrench with my tweezers and slowly start to pull up when I bang against the board. It buzzes loudly.
“Dammit!” I say, and before I can even pout, Jeremiah plucks the wrenched ankle out with the tweezers, winning the game.
“Arrrgggh!” I pound my fist on the floor, cracking him up.
With the game over, we decide to watch a movie. He scrolls through my iTunes while I flick off the overhead fluorescent light and turn on my desk lamp.
“What is all this crap?” he says. “Dirty Dancing? The Notebook? Legally Blonde? Twilight?!”
“Hey! Those are good movies.”
“Oh my God, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?”
“Jeremiah Brown.”
“A Walk to Remember?!”
“If you don’t behave, I’m gonna send you right home.”
“Yeah, that’s the scariest threat ever. You’d be sending me to a bathing suit party.”
“I know you’d rather stay here with me.”
Crap. Where did that come from?
“Fine,” he says with a smirk. “We’ll watch Mean Girls, whatever that is.”
He positions my laptop at an angle where we can both see it, then lies back on my bed, pulls his glasses from his
pocket, and slips them onto his nose. I sit Indian style and lean over onto my knees. The room is quiet, except for the movie, our breathing, our laughing.
Jeremiah folds his hands behind his head. “Man, these girls are bitches.”
“I know, genius. That’s why it’s called Mean Girls.”
Without a warning, he yanks me back against his chest. “Watch the movie with me,” he whispers.
“That’s what we’re doing.” Deep down I know what he really means, and that makes my heart beat wildly, but I can’t decide if that’s a good or bad thing. My thoughts and pulse are racing.
He arranges me under his arm, and I wrap my trembling hand around his middle, cozying up to him. He feels warm, but I’m shaking like it’s snowing. It’s hard work to control my breathing. We lie together in silence for what feels like hours just watching the movie, until I feel him dragging his fingertips gently up and down my arm. Up and down my spine. Is his hand shaking?
Is this what adult relationships are like? You just touch someone without first laying down the boundaries? I mean, I’ve never been in a relationship except for with Kyle, and it was slow moving and had barriers to cross. First handholding, first kiss, first make-out session, first time he took off my shirt. And with Jeremiah, I feel lost, like during personal training when I don’t know what the next exercise will be. It’s scary not knowing what’s coming.
I’m not ready for a new relationship. I don’t know if I’ll ever want one again. I don’t want to have that conversation with Jeremiah. But I don’t want him to stop tracing his fingertips up and down my arm, either. It feels soft and smooth and tingly. And being pressed up against him is sweltering.
That’s when the door opens to reveal Iggy holding what appears to be a mandolin.
“Kelsey, are you in here? Did you steal my cheetah-print bra—Oops. I didn’t know you had somebody over, Annie. Why didn’t you tie the jump rope to the door?”
Breathe, Annie, Breathe Page 18