"Convert him!" Dumbledore commanded bravely; and all at once—the students began to shout.
"You have been tricked by the lies of society," Harry shrieked knowingly. "You deserve to burn in hell!"
"Come over here!" Dean Thomas screeched articulately. "Debate me on religion!"
"I'm just so upset that you don't accept the Bible," Hermione sobbed femininely. "The Bible is the best book ever. Why can't you just respect that?!"
"I'm a Gryffindor Hat now!" Draco yelled boldly with the inspiring zeal that so many newcomers to the faith have. "Do you hate me now? I bet you do!"
Voldemort covered his ears with the discomfort that heathens often find themselves with when they are confronted with the truth; and he shouted loudly to drown out the word of the Lord, "You've been preparing to do this? To scream at me?"
"It is the work of the Lord!" Dumbledore explained accurately.
"Aren't there better ways to spend your time than preaching to a bored idiot who makes fun of people on the internet?" Voldemort questioned hedonistically. "Your Lord seemed to be pretty concerned about helping the people around him. Is that not his work anymore?"
"How can we focus on helping people; when there are people like you trying to destroy us?" Dumbledore countered astutely.
"I told you before, that Reddit account is a joke," Voldemort whined pathetically; but the Reverend shook his head.
"I thought that might be so at first," the Reverend commented fairly. "But it was just too realistic."
"How was it realistic?" Voldemort inquired uninformedly. "It wasn't even subtle! I waxed poetic about the sexiness of neckbeards and said that Christopher Hitchens has superpowers. It was supposed to be funny! How could you take it seriously?"
Dumbledore scoffed; and he replied faithfully, "Like it or not—your little 'joke' is what most atheists today are like."
"So my Reddit account solidified your conception of atheists as a bunch of anti-Christian bigots who are just angry at God?" Voldemort solicited stupidly; and then he sighed. "Okay, you know what, this has gone too far. I'm sure that most people can tell that I'm not being serious, but if I'm contributing to misinformation and stereotypes, I don't feel comfortable continuing this."
Voldemort pulled an iPhone out of his pocket; and he began to type on it. After a few minutes, he showed the screen to Dumbledore. "See this? I just made a post: 'I am a troll.' It is the last post I will make on that account. Are you happy?"
Dumbledore virtuously ignored the heretic; and he turned to the little ones standing behind his protection. "Students of Hogwarts! This fool will not listen to reason. Let's save this heathen's soul!"
All the little ones got down on their knees; and they raised their hands to the sky; and they screamed to the heavens, in the voices of those who knew they were doing great work, "Lord, please make Voldemort a Gryffindor Hat!"
Voldemort sighed wickedly; and he shook his head godlessly; and then he walked away depravedly. But even as the fornicating, drug-addicted Evolutionist disappeared into the distance, the righteous little ones continued to pray. They knew that, if they screamed loud enough, they could change the world.
The Internet Responds...
"Okay little miss religious housewife. What kind of MORON are you if you are SERIOUSLY stupid or INSANE to think your kids will 'turn into witches' if they read a FANTASY story book about witches? First of all, I think you and anybody else who think that way need some SERIOUS psychiatric help for THAT line of CRAZY thinking and shouldn't be allowed around kids at all. Because exactly WHERE in KNOW history is it written that people become witches for real just from reading books? Sure they can dress like witches for Halloween but its not like they can actually suddenly DO magic. Its all PRETEND and MAKE BELIEVE moron. Your kids won't suddenly become REAL spellcasting witches and wizards just because they read about it in BOOKS. Its not like the books are about devil worshipping wi
Your poor kids. All they wanna do is simply read a popular fantasy book series and they have a crazy insane religious NUT of a mom like you not only ruining their fun, but you have the NERVE to BUTCHER the series by turning our longtime magical heroes into a bunch of non-magical bible reading nutcases just to make YOURSELF feel better about the series then post it online? "—Harry Potter lvr
"I hope you don't mind my cursing, but this is a load of cr*p. At first, I thought you were joking. Then I realized that you seriously were doing this. My betters have already commented and explained, but I must add my own two scents, or I will not be at peace with myself:
You are taking everything good out of the series.
This series isn't about witchcraft. The magic isn't even the center of the story, it's the tool, the instrument JK Rowling uses in order to show what the series is actually about: Friendship, love, right and wrong.
This series encourages children to think, to see that there is evil and all of us and yet that we choose every day to be good. It talks about racism and equality and apparently, things that you are incapable of grasping.
Hermione doesn't have to be obedient in order to be good. McGonagall doesn't have to be pretty to be good. In fact, the entire point of Harry Potter is that it isn't our looks that define us, or prestige (such as the handsome and rich Malfoys), but the actions we take.
This I write despite - and perhaps because - of me being deeply religious.
Choosing to serve God is a choice we make every day. This is something all of us can do.
Evolution is real, and there is evidence for it.
The place of a woman is not at a husband's side, nor is it in the kitchen.
You're even taking the anti-abuse message out of the story. Do you understand how effed up that is?
I would not read this story to my children. Never in a hundred years. Harry Potter is so educational, so good - and you have, quite simply, taken your children's choice to think away from them.
I pity you."—JustGail
"Wow. You're a joke and a disgrace to Christianity, this community, your children, and writing. This is laughably the most horrible story here-worse than "My Immortal". Go get educated and literate, if your IQ is anywhere close to being above an 80. This perverse piece of feces perverts a religion, a god- brilliant series, and your children if you torture them with it. For Pete's sake let them read the real deal and not your convoluted drivel. "—Lithia Sunset
"You are depraved, idiotic, sexist evil monstrosity. You should be ashamed of yourself!
Witches are not real, people can't turn into witches... just how stupid are you!? "—Guest
"go kill yourself"—Guest
"Okay, but Harry's eyes are green, you putrescent Philistine"—Um
"Fuck you retarded bitch. I would kill you if I meet you, because you're messing up your child brain with bullshit"—Guest
"I am so fucking angry right now.
DID DUMBLEDORE JUST LIMIT WHAT THE GIRL'S CAN EAT?! WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? WHAT FUCKING RIGHT DOES HE HAVE TO DO THAT?! "TWO FOR THE LADIES". FUCK YOU. YOU DON'T DO THAT. LET THE BOYS EAT HOWEVER MUCH THEY FUCKING WANT, BUT IF YOU'RE A LADY THERE ARE LIMITS? HELL NO. THAT'S HOW EATING DISORDERS START, YOU SEXIST SLIME. WHO ARE YOU TO SAY WHAT THEY CAN OR CAN NOT EAT? FUCK YOU.
AND OH MY GOD IF HARRY STARTS BEING A XENOPHOBE I SWEAR I'M GONNA PUNCH SOMETHING"—MapleTreeway
"This is horrible! Being a witch is not a bad thing you horrible vile woman. Being Pagan is not wrong. It came well before your religiong and your sad version of God. I feel glad that I am not your kid."—Skye
"I still can't tell if this is real or satire. All I know is Christy Prayer seems to have a serious chest hair fetish. Ew."—Guest
"Read this to my family at one of our reunions. I the mix were some Buddhists, Christians, Catholics, and Atheists. Mostly Atheists.
Their initial responses were, "Her parents' condom must have broken."
Then they said, "I feel so bad for her kids."
Then, "What the fuck?! Catholics don't pray to statues! You
said she was American?! I thought America was the country where anything was possible! This woman is why there are religious wars. Because people like her can't shut their mouths about how other religions are hateful and shit."
Mrs. Grace Anne Parsons, I'm sorry your parents' condom broke."—An Angry Teen
"The writing is sappy, the fundamentalist Christianity stomach turning, the ignorance astounding and the self righteousness sickening. Stop writing forever please."—Tim
"YOU STUPID HATEFUL IDIOT. You are dirtying the good name of Christians all around the world. This is hurtful, racist, sexist, and just plain bigoted. God would NEVER want you to hate. He would NEVER want you to judge people on anything other than their souls.
Also btw THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN EVOLUTIONIST! Evolution is not a religion, it is a proven science! And Dumbledore is gay, and I liked him that way! Furthermore, God does not provide a taxi service automatically whenever you pray. God will send something good your way when you ask, but not like that.
And what is all this Southern nonsense? You people are insane. GAAAAAHHH! This fic makes me angry for so many reasons, and I feel sorry for your kids, having this poison shoved down their throats. Hopefully they'll get minds of their own before it's too late, though if your belief that kids can't tell fact from fiction is based on your own kids then I don't have high hopes from them. This story is written at the literacy level of a seven year old, is bigoted and makes Christians the world over look evil. It also ruins one of the best series I have ever read.
Signed, A Lesbian Scientist Evolutionist Career Woman Feminist "Witch" AKA someone who can actually tell fiction from real life
PS. I am normally actually a rational person, but your story made me so angry I can't think straight. I'll just go off and fornicate . . . because I can't marry, because of people like YOU! "—nerdgirl1234
"What the f. is this.
I won't even bother being constructive : Stop witing fanfiction. Leave this website. Like, right now "—Caustic Reviewer
""If they screamed loud enough, they could change the world"
Way to go, spouting religious bullshit and teaching your kids how to be brats all in one chapter. Congratulations."—Guest
"Why in the fuck would you do this! I'll get the Ministry of Magic to shove a wand up your arse"—Aidan
"They knew that, if they screamed loud enough,
they could change the world."
Hogwarts School Of Prayer And Miracles Page 5