by Lucy Knott
Chapter 12
The smooth base of the sled slides over the snow with ease. I’m shooting down the small slope at some speed. ‘Arrrrrrrgh,’ ‘Woohoooooo,’ I’m shouting at the top of my lungs, a smile plastered on my face. If I had any cares or concerns right now, I might be worried my dimples are going to freeze and become a permanent fixture on my face. The same could be said for my bright red elf-like cheeks. Could windburn be a blush replacement?
We come to a bumpy stop at the bottom of the short slope. ‘That was fun, can we go again?’ Poppy pleads, her pretty brown eyes open wide. Her nose resembles Rudolph’s and her voice comes out cute and sweet. I can’t possibly say no, and I don’t want to.
‘I’ll race you to the top,’ I say and receive a giggle and shout of ‘yay’ in return as she turns and runs up the slope towards Bella and Evan. It takes me a minute to scoot off the sled, my puffy ski jacket still quite new and rigid and my skirt getting wedged underneath. I can hear Bella laughing at my struggle and when I look up to scold her, she gives me a thumbs-up and throws her head back to continue her mocking.
I make it to the top and Evan, with his piercing brown eyes, immediately tugs on my jacket. I bend down so I’m at his level. He is quieter than Poppy, who had no trouble jumping on my knee and getting straight to playing with my hair, when I met up with Bella at the café and she introduced me to the twins earlier. Evan has stayed close to Bella while I’ve been sledging with my new partner in crime, Poppy, for close to an hour now.
‘Harper,’ Evan’s sweet voice starts. ‘Can we have a race?’ His face lights up when he completes his question, like the excitement overcomes him leaving no room to be shy.
‘Of course, we can have a race,’ I reply, causing him to clap his hands together. He then grabs Bella’s hand and says, ‘Come on, Bella, we’re having a race with Harper and Pop.’ Hearing his nickname for his twin sister melts my heart. I’m frozen watching him as he pulls Bella onto their sled. A little hand taking hold of mine brings me out of my trance and I look down and see Poppy smiling up at me.
‘Come on, Harper, we’re going too slow. We’ve got to win the race,’ she says, like butter wouldn’t melt.
‘Ooh, yes, quickly, let’s go,’ I say, as Bella and Evan are in position watching us climb onto our sled.
‘Are you ready, Harper?’ Evan asks, when I sit down and shuffle back to make room for Poppy. ‘Are you ready, Pop?’ he asks his sister and again my heart tugs at the loving way he says her nickname. She’s his home, she’s probably been his only constant in his four years of life and somehow, I can feel it when he says her name.
I wipe away the water that is quickly prickling my eyes, just in time to grab hold of the rope on the sled as Poppy and Evan both scream, ‘Go!’
We’re flying down the children’s slope, which is part of the play area at the back of the ski lodge. It’s full of sleds and doughnuts, giant connect four games and slides. It’s an absolute treat, one that I’m enjoying just as much as the kids.
We’re flying down the hill and again laughter is barrelling out of me as Poppy and Evan cheer and whoop. Be it twin magic or fluke, Poppy and Evan’s outstretched feet hit the barrier at the bottom of the slope at exactly the same time. This causes them to jump off their sleds, with way more speed, agility and energy than either Bella and I, and hug each other giddily while congratulating each other, with: ‘You did it, Pop, you were so fast.’ ‘Good job, Evan, that was really fast.’
Before the waterworks can begin again, I get a snowball to the side of my face. The twins erupt with giggles and shouts of ‘arrrgh’ as they run away from Bella when she starts to chase after them, snowballs held aloft in each hand.
‘I’m going to get you back for that one,’ I shout at Bella and clamber up off the sled, quickly adding it to the pile of sleds ready for other children to have a go, before running after my group.
‘I’d like to see you try. Snow is my forte. I thought rain and grey clouds were London’s specialty,’ Bella retorts with a snort and a wink.
*
Two hours later and we are all snowballed, connect-foured and hide-and-seeked out. We’re tucked away in a booth with a fire pit, which now has a grid around it to keep the kids safe, and we are warming up with hot chocolates – whiskey-free, Jake assured us.
While Poppy and Evan are busy counting out their marshmallows and recounting their brilliant and successful attempts at covering me in snow while I made a snow angel, I chat with Bella.
‘They are delightful,’ I say wistfully. Being outdoors was again refreshing and playing with the children had been revitalizing. I’m aware that my emotions have been all over the place as of late. I know I’m on dangerous ground getting so attached to these kids, and allowing myself to entertain ideas of having kids right now is absurd but I can’t help it.
‘Talk to me,’ Bella says gently before dunking a biscuit into her hot chocolate.
I look away from the twins and into Bella’s warm brown eyes. A small sigh escapes my lips.
‘I’m scared to want kids,’ I finally say after a minute or two. I feel at ease talking to Bella even though I have only known her a short time. Her manner is encouraging and non-judgemental, like Hayley, so my words find their way into the open.
‘How do you mean?’ Bella asks, giving me the chance to unload my thoughts and herself a chance to fully understand me before giving me advice.
‘Well, I wasn’t so scared before, you know when Scott and I were together. Back then it was exciting. We talked about it so much, talked about baby names and nurseries and the wonder of growing our family and I knew I wanted it; I knew I wanted to be a mum. I could boldly say it, knowing that I had this wonderful means of it becoming a reality, that Scott would be an amazing dad and I was lucky to have it all.’
Bella reaches out and takes my hand but doesn’t speak.
‘But now, now I don’t have that. I don’t have time to date people, to figure out if they want to marry me and have kids with me ten years down the line. I’m thirty and I’m scared because I wanted it and I thought soon I would be having it and now it’s gone.’ My lips are trembling. I look out the window, at the snow-covered mountains and the crowds that are still gathered after this morning’s tournament practice, worried that if I look over at Poppy and Evan I won’t be able to keep my emotions in check and that I’ll break down in front of them. It’s not something I want them to see.
Bella waves over a server as I focus on my breathing by spotting Hayley whizzing down the slopes and taking to a jump on her board. She does a backflip and lands without a wobble. I smile and turn my attention back to Bella, who has acquired colouring books and crayons for the twins.
‘I sense there’s more?’ Bella says softly, gently patting my hand. I look down at my hot chocolate and prod at the marshmallow watching it then bob up and down.
‘I feel selfish; like I’m a bad person. Is it wrong of me to be spending so much energy and time thinking about kids when I’m on my own? How could I purposely want to bring a child into a home with only me to provide for it and take care of it? There will be financial strains, emotional needs to be met for both the child and me. What if I’m not strong enough or capable or simply can’t offer the child enough?’ I reveal the inner workings that have been on replay in my mind over the past year, making sure to whisper so the kids don’t hear me. I’d never want them to grow up and speak such silly words. I’d never want them to think they alone weren’t good enough or capable of anything, because they will always be worth it, yet the thoughts continue to sneak into my brain.
‘Honey, you are not weak or incapable. I understand when we go through bumps in the road that our insecurities come to light; words people may have said stick around for longer than we’d like and how others have made us feel can poison our insides and interfere with our confidence. But you’re growing from all these things, there’s lessons to be learnt in all of them. Now, you know what you want, you care about something so much that of cou
rse you’re going to be scared, it’s just testing you. But it does not mean you are selfish.’ Bella pauses and takes my hand in hers.
‘I happen to know that Poppy thinks you are a princess. She’s mesmerized by your hair and your kindness and Evan over there thinks you are the best racer there is. They adore you; you’ve got so much to give. You must start believing that. Families come in all different forms and, Harper, having a kid is not quite the vision we think it is in our heads at first but we learn as we go. We all make mistakes and that’s OK – please don’t be afraid of making them,’ she adds, squeezing my hand.
Bella proves to be a great motivational speaker and listener as she keeps hold of my hand, assessing me without judgement. She takes care to choose her words and it’s this care that helps them to get through to me.
‘You are right, you know? When I think about it, it feels wonderful to know what I want, but extremely terrifying at the same time,’ I say through a chuckle. ‘I think I’ve held an ideal vision in my head for so long about what my family would be, what it would look like, that accepting anything different; offering a child anything less than what I deem perfect, it feels wrong,’ I admit. Bella squints her eyes at me and leans forward on her elbows.
‘We can put a lot of pressure on relationships, on ourselves, on our dreams and put them all on pedestals without realizing it. Though it’s great to push ourselves and reach for perfection, there comes a time when you realize it’s all in your head. You have the power to find the beauty in everything, Harper, in all the imperfections, in all the bumps and twists and turns. Those pedestals sometimes make us think that a situation we didn’t plan or envision is wrong and ugly, when in fact it turns out to be the most right and magical,’ Bella finishes, squeezing my hand again for further reassurance. Her words hit me as hard as the snowball she threw at me earlier – so painfully hard; Bella has a strong arm.
I feel brave enough to glance at the twins, though my eyes are threatening to switch on the water sprinklers, and I don’t want them to see me cry. Poppy and Evan are colouring away, sharing crayons and huddled over their drawings, nattering to each other in what I believe must be twin language. I can’t make out what they are saying, but it’s a beautiful thing to witness. All the while Bella’s words are buzzing around in my brain. Here I am talking about being a single mum, worried about what I can offer when Bella is sat in front of me, a single carer to Poppy and Evan, who both never planned for a childhood in the foster care system, but whose smiles are beaming back at me bright and beautiful. Bella is giving them all the love in her heart and it is more than enough for these two gorgeous creatures.
I know I’d like a child and though I’m not quite sure which avenue I’d like to go down right now, I believe when the time is right, I will be strong, and I will be capable for that child. Even in my weaknesses and my vulnerability that child will know love. I stifle a yawn as Bella and I lean back in the booth and finish our hot chocolates, a comfortable silence creeping over our conversation. With her last words, I had nothing more to offer than a small nod and a smile, which she returned in understanding.
After a few moments I notice that Bella’s eyes are glassy as she looks out of the window. It’s not lost on me that for someone who’s been on this planet five years less than me she just imparted some heavy and knowledgeable wisdom on life. My stomach turns with the thought that she has been hurt in such a way that has afforded her this knowledge. When Jake walks over to top up Poppy and Evan’s hot chocolates and is rewarded with giant cuddles from the both of them, I can’t help feeling a pang of protectiveness over Bella and curiosity draws the next question out of my mouth.
‘What made you get into fostering?’ I ask, lightly, sensing this may be where her knowledge comes from. I place both mine and Bella’s empty mugs on Jake’s tray, waving away his offer of a refill, Bella does the same and watches Jake walk away with a grateful smile on her face before she turns her attention back to me. I notice her eyes seem far away, lost in distant memories. I don’t push her to answer and am prepared to change the subject, for fear that this whole conversation has brought up a past that is causing pain to my new friend. I’m about to tell her that she doesn’t have to tell me if she doesn’t want to, when she speaks with a smile at her lips.
‘Don’t you even dare think of keeping your feelings to yourself,’ she says first, reading the apology behind my eyes. My throat suddenly feels less restricted. I offer a small smile in return. ‘Life is about connecting with others. If you don’t share your feelings and experiences, how are you supposed to connect and find those souls that were meant to find yours?’ she adds before taking a bite out of her peach and cinnamon muffin. The velvety cake brings the colour back to her eyes, making them full and rich once more. I feel as though Bella has chosen to avoid my question, so I simply nod, holding up my vegan carrot muffin in cheers and to say thank you.
After a short minute, she leans back in the booth, releasing my hand and looking at the kids colouring. I follow her line of vision and get lost in watching them do their best to colour in the lines. For four-year-olds, they are doing a brilliant job.
‘I love my parents because they are my parents. It’s that label that keeps them in my heart despite them not living up to my expectations of what parents should be. They were young when they had me, still in their teens, so I can’t blame them for not knowing what to do with me. They had their whole lives ahead of them and they deserved to go out and live it. They did well for a while. I remember being packed up in their mini camper van going on trips, but a crying baby and diapers to change couldn’t have been easy on the road. I was four when I was put into foster care and seven when I got a new family. They visited with me for a while after my initial placement, but I think it got to be too much; for them because the further they travelled the harder it was for them to stick to meetings, get back in time for events, and for me because I couldn’t understand where my parents kept disappearing to. I think it became easier to think of the happy times we shared and focus on what I had and not what I didn’t.’
I’m staring out of the window, again not wanting the twins to see my face. I’m crying, tears streaming down my cheeks. My hand is over my mouth to stop the short gasps from escaping and it’s taking all I have not to jump over the table and embrace Bella. She spoke in a hushed whisper, so Poppy and Evan couldn’t hear much. At moments during her recollection, her voice became wobbly with sadness, yet her face remained light and she kept her eyes on me. I had broken eye contact almost instantly when the tears rushed my face.
‘It’s OK, Harper, it really is. I had an amazing childhood with my new family. They never made me feel like a burden and I did everything a kid should be doing, always playing, always laughing. My new parents were always there with support, encouragement and love, but of course I’ve struggled over the years. Like you, no matter how great my new family was I had a picture of the old one in my head, would go to sleep at night dreaming of the perfect moment my parents would come back and get me, feeling a little empty that I wasn’t good enough or that my new situation wasn’t real, that it was all a lie. I stopped believing I was lovable and couldn’t accept life for what it was. I stopped laughing for a period, but my new parents never gave up on me; they just continued to shower me with love. Other children came to the house for respite fostering and I got to learn their stories and mine didn’t seem so bad. We were all there for each other and that became all that mattered. Looking after them, I started to see my worth, what I could offer, who I could be and here we are today,’ she finishes with a bright smile and reaches out to play with Poppy’s hair.
I quickly and aggressively wipe away my tears with the sleeves of my top, not wanting to upset anyone with my outburst, but I am in awe of Bella. I’m trying to find the words to help her, to support her, to thank her for being so amazing, but I’m struggling to get them out.
‘And listen,’ Bella starts, leaning across the table, ‘I didn’t tell you all that
so you can feel bad about yourself or to make what you’re going through seem like nothing. I say it because all the things that you are feeling now, I’ve felt them too. I wouldn’t say I’m over it; it’s more about continually getting through it each day. I go weeks, months even, without thinking about it and then boom, one day something will catch me off guard and I’m a mess, but that’s OK too. That just brings new lessons. You will grow from this. I understand your fears and your desire to have children but try and let go of your expectations or maybe the way you have been picturing it all these years with Scott. Life might have a different plan for you right now.’ She leans over the table, half standing, and kisses me on the forehead like a protective mother. I close my eyes to feel my heart burst with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for this woman.
‘Right, toilet break, you two,’ she announces scooting out of the booth and shuffling Poppy along with her as she edges out, walking like a crab between the bench and the table, leaving me to digest the conversation we have just had.
I recall the conversation I had with Hayley the other day and how we discussed the idea that it isn’t about getting over it but getting through it each day, and it made sense again when Bella said it. I can’t just snap my fingers and make my insecurities go away – they are there but it’s how I use them, how I listen to them, that will make all the difference. I look over the mountains and watch the numerous snowball fights taking place between friends and families. I gape at the skiers and snowboarders taking to the skies as they double backflip off the jumps in the distance, as I tap my nail against my mug to the same beat of the song playing over the speakers, throughout the café. My face feels sore from the cold winds earlier and from the tears I so harshly rubbed away moments ago but connecting with Bella just now felt special.
She is right: opening up releases something inside us and helps us connect to those around us. We are not perfect and it’s these imperfections that make life meaningful, that make it real. I feel like I was meant to come to the mountains, that I was meant to find this unique group of women, who are all teaching me something about myself, helping me rediscover who I am.