by Harlow Hayes
“I’m a good mom. I should have called the police. I’m such an idiot. Why didn’t I report him? Now he has my son.”
“Sophie, I know this is hard, but you can try again. I know in this moment it seems pretty bleak, but time changes things. And you’re going to need your strength for yourself and your son. Don’t give up now.”
“I’m sorry, I’m a mess. I never cry, so I think I’ve reached my quota for the year,” she said.
I let out a short laugh.
“Now my parents are coming to stay with me because they’re ‘concerned,’ but I’m sure they think I’ve gone nuts. I’m twenty-eight, and this is my life, one big mess, one after the other.” She pulled out a Kleenex to blow her nose.
“It’s not going to always be like that, Sophie. Things don’t stay the same; they are constantly changing, moving. You just have to recognize it and move forward with it. Yeah, this sucks, but you’re going to get your son back. Cry it out now, worry about the rest tomorrow,” I said as I leaned back into the bench. “What’s your son’s name again?”
“Isaiah.” She lit up when she said it.
“Do you have any pictures?” I asked.
She fumbled around in her purse for her phone. “Yeah, tons.” She pulled up a few on her phone and a cute, red-haired, chubby-cheeked kid was looking back at me. “He’s beautiful, Sophie. You did good.” I smiled at her.
“Thank you. He’s my stud muffin.” She gazed at his picture before she moved on to the next. “I mean it. Thank you.”
She looked at me with so much gratitude I felt as though I had finally done something good without thinking about myself the whole time.
The moment was brief. As soon as I became lost in feeling somewhat happy again, my phone rang. Sophie mouthed to me that she was going to be on her way and I offered her a smile and I answered the phone.
“Mara, don’t hate me, please don’t hate me,” Frankie said.
“What is it?” I asked nervously.
“I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it to your potluck tonight. I got caught up in some shit here at work, and I mean serious shit, and the boss is on my ass, but I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
My stomach began to twist in knots. “Frankie, this is the third time this month you’ve canceled on me. What is going on? And of all nights? The one night that I need your support and you can’t—”
“Look, I’m sorry, I just can’t,” he said. “Mara, I’ve been there for you, so don’t act like I haven’t, but I got stuff going on, too. Responsibilities, just like you.”
“Yeah, okay,” I said, wanting to smack him through the phone.
“I’m sorry, I got to get back to work. I’ll check in later to see how it went.” The phone went dead.
Why was I never prepared for anything? I guess that was life’s big joke. I needed Frankie there to keep me in check. It had been a couple months since I had been together with all of my classmates and I was certain they all knew about my encounter with Jason and Erin. Somewhere in the delusional corner of my mind I hoped that everyone had forgotten about the entire thing, but I knew better.
When I stood up to leave I saw Niko walking out of the clinic. I hadn’t seen him since we had coffee, but I felt that he could be my way out. Niko looked perfect, so much better than when I last saw him. His beard was groomed, cut close to his face, and his hair was pulled back away from his face, making his features stand out more.
“Niko,” I said.
He turned around to face me. “Mara.” He walked closer.
“You are just the man I wanted to see.” He looked at me, somewhat perplexed by my enthusiasm.
“Are you busy right now? No, wait, are you busy this evening?” I asked.
“That depends,” he said. “If I’m spending it with you, then no.”
I tried to contain my smile. I didn’t want him to know that I was so excited.
“What did you have in mind?” he asked.
“Well, Mr. Almeida, I am extending you an invitation to the hottest, trendiest gathering of the century,” I said, adding some extra theatrics.
He crossed his arms. His lips didn’t part, but he smiled and his brown eyes sparkled in the afternoon sun.
“Okay, I lied. It’s my class potluck. An amazing event attended by the most intellectual, stimulating group of young therapists. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and to miss it would leave you a social leper and—”
“Yes, Miss Goodwin, I would love to attend this esteemed event,” he said, cutting me short.
I let out a sigh of relief. I knew that I wouldn’t flip out if he was there. I actually had a better chance of not getting in trouble with him than I did with Frankie. Frankie was good at keeping me calm, but if he got upset he would lash out quick, too, and I did not need that. We both couldn’t be on that path.
“Thank you,” I said. “I thought that my elegant speech was going to turn into me begging and pleading. But be excited. I will make this a night you won’t forget.”
“No, I don’t think I will.” And he smiled.
Chapter 15
I didn’t want to see my classmates. I knew what was whispered behind my back. I didn’t have any hard facts but it was something that I could feel and read on their faces. Most of them were still in town for the summer, so our professors decided to have a social gathering for everyone to say goodbye before they left town for good. This was supposed to be my triumphant return. I was to look amazing and have an amazing-looking man on my arm to prove that I was stable, responsible, and in a good place. But I didn’t look amazing, just frumpy as usual, and Frankie flaking on me left me with Niko, who was handsome but a little rough around the edges. When Niko and I walked into the banquet hall, I heard someone call from across the room.
“Mara, girlfriend, good to see you.”
I recognized his voice.
“Twice in the last few weeks, this must be a record. What have you been up to?” Jason asked. His voice was irritating, like a dripping faucet or a beeping smoke detector.
Before I could answer, another one of my classmates walked over. I guess she intended to snoop as well.
“Mara, it’s so good to see you. It’s been forever. How are you? I heard you were doing clinicals at Dr. Abbley’s office,” Kelly said.
I hadn’t spoken to this chick in months. She hadn’t even sent a message to see if I was alive, but now she had a deep interest.
“Yeah, I’m over there,” I said, voice dull, hoping she would register my lack of enthusiasm and leave.
“We’ll have to get together sometime and do lunch. You know, before I leave town. But first, who is this lovely man standing next to you?” She inspected Niko from head to toe.
I didn’t like the way she looked at him.
“This is my friend Niko,” I said. “Niko, this is Kelly and Jason.”
Niko reached out to shake their hands.
“Well, it is a pleasure to meet you, Niko,” Kelly said. “I wish I could say I’ve heard a lot about you, but I haven’t.”
“What happened to your other friend, Mara? The super-hot one? I thought he was nice,” Jason said, and I wanted to hit him again, dead in the nose.
I guess this was Piss Mara Off Night. I assumed that he was hoping to elicit some type of rage, or expose any potential whoredom. I’m sure Erin did her part as well and told everyone that I needed to be in a straitjacket; it nauseated me just thinking about it. If they only knew what I had been through.
“Oh, Frankie? He’s fine, just working today,” I said with a half smile. “Well, it was good seeing you,” I said, grabbing Niko’s hand. “I think I’m a go talk to Dr. Bradley now.” I cut through them and pulled Niko with me into a corner next to the food table to get him alone.
“Your classmates seemed nice enough,” he said, smiling, “I think they get the impression that we’re a couple.”
“Yeah, that’s people for you. If I’m talking to a guy, we’re dating. If you buy
me a drink, that guarantees you a blow job. And if you buy me dinner, we are certainly sleeping with each other.” I spoke without thinking about what I was saying. It wasn’t an invitation.
Niko laughed. “Yep, that sounds about right. You’ll hear no arguments from me. So when can I buy you dinner?” he asked.
I let out an awkward laugh because the thought made me uncomfortable, but I shouldn’t have even said anything so inappropriate in the first place.
“So how much longer of this?” he asked, leaning against the wall.
“Just an hour or so,” I said, my voice flat.
“You really make it sound so exciting, you know that?” He looked me in the eyes and his face had such a pleasant expression on it.
“I’m all kinds of exciting, that was just a sample,” I said.
“For what it’s worth, I just want to let you know that I’m happy that you invited me. I haven’t gotten out much lately,” he said.
“Thanks for coming,” I said. “I needed the company.”
Despite the comment about dinner, I felt comfortable with Niko. Talking with him was like talking to my clients. I was able to focus on something beyond myself and that put me at ease. I was on edge all the time, and even my time spent with Frankie was beginning to become strained and tense, and that strain had been pulling us further apart since my birthday, the night of the rape.
The food was spread out on a long table that stretched along the wall and more of my classmates, their friends, and significant others started taking up more space. The air conditioner had been running nonstop, so I leaned in closer to Niko, hoping it would reduce the number of goose pimples on my arms; his body radiated heat.
“I know you’re a chef and your standards, I’m sure, are pretty high, but if you don’t try anything else, you have to try Dave’s taco salad. It’s the best, hands down.”
Niko crossed his arms. “Really? The best?” He looked at me as if I was trying to trick him. “I’ll give it a shot, and I’ll try not to be too harsh in my critique,” he said, rubbing his chin. “So who is this Dave? This master chef?”
I scanned the room, looking for him.
“He’s over there,” I said, pointing to a good-looking middle-aged man that was talking to Dr. Bradley. “He’s one of our clinical coordinators.”
My pointing caught Dr. Bradley’s attention, and she motioned for me to come over.
Before we started walking, I gave Niko a warning. “This is my boss, so be good,” I said. “Or else.”
“I am always good. I’m offended that you think anything else of me,” he said jokingly.
He seemed to be doing fairly well. Pretty happy, even for a widower. But maybe he was just that type, resilient. Dave was walking away as we approached, which left me and Niko alone with Dr. Bradley.
“Where is Dave off to? I hope I didn’t frighten him away,” I said, but for me the statement held some truth. I was scary even to myself.
“No, I think he said he was going to the restroom, but how are you? I hear that things are going well over at Dr. Abbley’s. She has nothing but nice things to say about you,” she said, the whole time looking at Niko.
“Things are well.” I crossed my arms to try and stay warm. “I’m adjusting pretty well, just happy to be back in the swing of things.” I prayed that she didn’t mention anything about the counseling center. I didn’t need Niko knowing anything but what I had told him.
She directed her eyes back at me. “Good to hear it. I am happy that things are on the right track.” She looked back Niko. “And who is this?” she asked, her eyes curious.
“Nikolas Almeida. I’m a friend of Mara’s.” He reached for her hand to shake it.
“Dr. Joanne Bradley.” She reached out to receive it and glared at his forearm and the tattoos that covered it. “I hope you’re a good friend. Mara needs all the good influences she can get. She tends to be attracted to trouble.” She said it as a joke but I knew that it had deeper meaning.
“I try to be, but I can’t deny I like trouble,” he said as his eye caught mine and I became overwhelmed with giddiness.
“You two should help yourself to something to eat,” she suggested. “There’s plenty.”
“We will in a minute,” I said. “I have a few people that I want to catch up with first.”
I didn’t really, but I wanted to talk to Niko more alone, without the awkward silence between bites of food.
“Good, and are you guys going to the pier for the fireworks show?” she asked.
“I’d like to go but I’m not sure about him.”
I turned and looked up at Niko.
“I forgot to ask, can you go?” I asked. “Or would you like to go? I don’t want to keep you if you have stuff to do.”
My stomach was in knots waiting for his response.
“I have no plans. We can make a night of it,” he said.
The words leaving his lips made me feel as if a cage of butterflies had just been released in my stomach.
“Well, I’ll see you two around then, I’m going to go grab some food,” she said before she patted me on the back and walked off.
“I’m going to run to the bathroom to wash my hands,” Niko said. “I’ll be back.” Niko placed his hand on the small of my back before he walked away, his touch gentle and firm at the same time. After a moment I figured that it would be a good time to wash mine as well, so I headed toward the bathroom.
I stood at the sink, letting the warm water run through my fingers. My hands were clean but the warm water was soothing. I had a crush. I couldn’t believe it. It had been years, and I mean years, since I had a crush on anyone, but Frankie popped up in my mind as I thought about Niko, and then I wasn’t so sure of my feelings. I loved Frankie, and he loved me in our own way, but with us it was different. I looked in the mirror and for the first time in a long time I wasn’t completely disappointed in what I saw. This new girl standing before me looked happier for some reason, if only just a little, and more hopeful, even if it was just a sliver. I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t want this improvement to be all about some man I barely knew, but something had me feeling hopeful. Maybe the broken pieces were slowly coming together, and my grief, my armor, and exterior were shedding away.
I was losing track of time playing with the water, and the screech of the door opening startled me. I turned off the water and reached for a paper towel to dry my hands, but when I looked up, Erin’s ugly reflection is what I saw in the mirror.
“Hello, Mara,” she said coldly. She walked over to the sink next to me and turned on the water.
“Hello,” I said, trying to avoid eye contact.
“How are things going? How’s that probation? Our justice system sucks if you ask me.”
“Well, that’s the thing, no one asked you,” I said, trying to keep cool.
“Well, if I had it my way you wouldn’t even be here. People with your kind of problems need special help.” Her voice was bitter. I threw my hand towel in the waste can. I looked at her reflection in the mirror. I saw that she had tried to cover up the leftover bits of her black eye with makeup, but even with the effort I could still see light bruising. My calm turned into anger and hate. I didn’t understand the boldness of some people. I had already beaten her up once, but she was looking to go for round two. Poor judgement on her behalf, but I couldn’t risk getting into any more trouble, so I did what I should have done in the first place and I left the bathroom.
When I met back up with Niko he was standing far away from the food table, watching everyone else as they waited in line to get some of Dave’s taco salad. I walked up to him and tapped him on the back.
“You ready to eat?” I asked.
“What are you eating?” he asked, his smile had faded to disgust.
“The taco salad,” I said. “I’ve been talking about it all night. You have to try it.” I stepped toward the table.
Niko reached out, grabbed my arm, and pulled me back so fast I thought h
e was saving me from getting run over by a speeding car. “Mara, don’t.”
My body bounced back into his. I turned to face him. “What is it?” I asked, somewhat startled.
“Don’t eat that taco salad,” Niko whispered.
“What? What are you talking about?” I demanded.
He leaned down and whispered in my ear.
“Look,” he said, pointing at Dave.
I looked over at Dave who was standing over the table prepping everything. Tossing the salad with his hands.
I looked back at Niko, confused. “What’s the problem? I’m sorry, but I don’t get it. What’s going on?”
“Let’s just say when I was in the bathroom, that man was in there giving the toilet a number two special and he didn’t wash his hands on the way out.” Niko said it as if he was going to vomit with each word.
I looked back at Dave, who was touching every ingredient with his hands, and when he was done he licked the tip of his fingers.
“Oh, hell no!” My classmates stared at me and I smiled jokingly to not cause alarm, but my stomach soured.
“Did you say something to him? That’s disgusting.” I placed my hand over my stomach to ease its unsettlement. I had been eating that salad for the past two years.
“When he walked out I was washing my hands and I asked him if the water wasn’t working,” Niko said.
“Well, what did he do?” I asked.
“Acted like he didn’t hear me, and walked out.”
I started to laugh so hard I thought I would burst. It had to be the most disgusting thing I had ever heard. Dave was an awesome cook, and over the past couple years I’d always ate what he brought in. He even did all of the cooking for our Cinco de Mayo celebration last year, and now all I could think about were the fajitas. The fecal fajitas.
“I’m so hungry, though,” I said. “What do you want to do about food?”
“I know a spot on the pier. A clean one. We’ll eat there,” he said, grabbing my hand, and I went with Niko down to the pier.