by Harlow Hayes
There he was, being nice again. Heat was still radiating from my body, but I couldn’t let him end it because if I let him go on, I would find myself back in his arms. So I opened my mouth.
“Look, I have nothing else to say. You were right, I don’t know you. Not at all.”
The look he gave me broke my heart. And as I walked away I tried to replace that last moment with the first, the soft eyes that had greeted me and gazed upon me earlier. I went to bed that night hoping to dream of his soft eyes, but the ones that haunted me in my sleep were the heartbroken ones.
October 12
LOSS
What do you do after you’ve been stripped naked and placed in the middle of nowhere? A place unfamiliar to you in every way. I’ll tell you what you feel. You feel unsafe and vulnerable, and anxiety consumes you. I have always feared loss because it makes me feel this way. I’ve lost myself only to be in close reach of myself, and then I lose my grasp again, but now I see. I see why loss is important, because loss can change you for better or worse. If you allow it to be felt instead of burying it deep inside, it can be a catalyst for change. I can be defeated by loss and pain, or I can alter the way I perceive it, and that is the only way that I will feel safe. It is the only way for me to be independent without the crutch that was an old lover turned friend, turned enemy, who was lost to me all along. Maybe I tried to replace him with Niko, not fully understanding that the challenge wasn’t to change them, but to change me. To understand the new person that I can and should be without Frankie. To grieve the relationship and be on my own.
Chapter 25
Vodka, tequila, rum, and like magic, the room spun like a dreidel. Lights, music, blurs of colors and bodies swayed out of the corners of my eyes. Shot glasses fell to the floor and people fell onto each other like much-needed chaos. I was consumed by laughter and wanted to float out of my body and fly. My body swayed as the music seduced my ears. It was the best borderline blackout drunk I had ever been. I was a hollow barrel with no purpose, so I gave myself one—go forth, be merry, and fill yourself with spirits.
“It’s time to go,” Sophie said, grabbing my arm.
“No, I’m dancing.” I pulled away from her and walked towards Melanie, who was still in the middle of the dance floor.
She grabbed my arm again, with more urgency than before.
“Mara, we need to leave now.”
“Why are you pooping my party?” I said.
“Yeah, why are you pooping the party, Sophie?” Melanie asked.
Then I saw a bouncer making his way through the crowd towards us. Sophie looked over her shoulder.
“We need to leave or they’ll put us out.”
“Put me out? Can’t nobody put me out,” I said, tearing away from her and pounding on my chest.
“I’m hungry,” Melanie said.
“Well, if you come with me, I can get you some food,” Sophie said, luring us towards the exit.
“Mmm, pancakes. I want pancakes.” Melanie jumped up and down in excitement.
The thought of food distracted me. “Who got pancakes?” I asked.
“Sophie, she got them,” Melanie said.
“Yeah, the pancakes are this way,” Sophie said, ushering us toward the door.
“Excuse me. I said, excuse me!” I shouted, pushing my way through the crowd.
“Yeah, move, bitches,” Melanie said, backing me up.
People gave us dirty looks, but I didn’t care. We were the whole reason that the club was so lively anyway. They should have paid us for even being in there.
“Where are we going? Where the pancakes at?” Melanie asked.
“Oh my God, they’re in my car, come on,” Sophie said, dragging me and Melanie through the parking lot, tethered together like a chain gang.
“I need to pee again,” Melanie said, crossing her legs as she stood.
“You are such a lightweight,” I said, I shoving her through a pair of parked cars.
“What? I can drink more than you,” she said, defending herself.
“We have to pee,” I told Sophie.
“Come on. You’ll have to do it out here,” Sophie said.
We found a secluded corner in the parking garage and held up there.
“Cover me,” Melanie said, squatting down.
Sophie stood in front of her and shielded her from peeping eyes.
I collapsed on the wall next to them, watching Melanie’s piss trail down the incline.
“What’s wrong? Mara, what’s wrong?” Sophie asked.
I slid down the concrete wall upstream of the piss. “I hurt Niko. I hurt his feelings.”
“Why? Why did you do that?” Melanie asked as she was pulling her dress back down.
“I don’t know. I don’t know,” I said. I smacked my own face.
“Did you say something racist to him?” asked Melanie. “We can’t be friends if you’re racist.”
“You two need to hurry, it’s cold,” Sophie said, tapping her foot.
“I am not racist!” I shouted.
“Yes, you are. You hurt his feelings because he’s gay.”
“I forgot about that.” I slumped further down the wall. “Niko’s gay… I love a gay man… No. That’s not right, he’s bi, I love a bi man… he’s fucked a dude… and a girl, I think, but he still fucked the dude.”
“Damn,” Sophie said, shaking her head.
My eyes began to fill with tears.
“It’s okay,” Melanie said. “Healing tears.” She wobbled over to me and patted me on the back.
I pushed her hands off me. “I’m not crying!”
“Hey, we were bonding,” Melanie said, insulted that I pushed her away.
“Bond in the car,” Sophie said. She grabbed both of our arms and pulled us forward.
“Oh, that’s where the pancakes are, Mara,” Melanie said, and she happily followed.
When we got to the car, Sophie’s face was relieved. “Get in,” she said.
“Whose car is this?” I asked. “It’s nice and you’re broke.”
“My parents, so don’t mess it up. Fasten your seat belt.”
We got in and buckled up.
“It’s suffocating me,” Melanie whined.
“Put it on,” Sophie said, her voice stern.
We rolled down the street and I watched the moving buildings and the people on the street. This was my world, my universe, and it was swallowing me whole.
“I want to go jump from that building,” I said. It looked so beautiful in the night, each room like a star in a galaxy, and I wanted to jump from it into another dimension.
“What? Why?” Sophie asked, her voice concerned.
“I want to fly.”
“Trust me, you don’t want to fly from there.”
“I want to feel the wind on my face and, I just—”
“Like an airplane? Let’s go to Vegas!” Melanie said, interrupting my thoughts.
“No, like a bird.” I rolled down the window and unfastened my seat belt and stuck my body out of the car like a raging lunatic, or even better, a dog.
“Get back in here!” I thought I heard Sophie say, but her voice was muffled by the wind blowing across my ears. The cool night air of fall made the hairs on my skin stand on end.
Melanie followed suit. She leaned out of the window, screaming.
“Fuck you, Chicago! Fuck your toll roads!”
“Get in here, now!” Sophie yelled, trying to keep her eyes on the road.
We made it about two blocks before I heard the siren. Sophie pulled over and pulled us back into the car.
“Don’t say a word,” she said. She turned around and stared at us like we were little kids. The ones that were always raising hell on road trips. The cop made his way up to the driver’s side window, flashing his light in everyone’s faces. Sophie rolled down the window.
“Miss, could I please have your driver’s license and registration,” the officer said.
Sophie was compliant, but Me
lanie and I forgot our orders.
“Hey, we were going to get pancakes,” Melanie said.
“Yeah, you’re interrupting my pancakes,” I added.
He looked at us and he was not amused. “Do those two have ID?”
“What do you need my ID for?” I asked him. I was irritated at his request; we weren’t driving. “I know what this is. This is racial profiling. Riding while black,” I said as I reached into my pocket and pulled out my ID and handed it to him. It was a bold statement to make but I was drunk, so my capacity to care was relatively low.
“And hers, too,” he said, pointing to Melanie with his flashlight.
Melanie was shocked. “Am I black, too?”
“Today you are,” I said.
“Oh God,” Sophie said, hanging her head in disappointment.
“Miss, you and your friends need step out of the car,” the officer said.
Another police car pulled up next to his.
“Oh God,” Sophie said, panicked.
I was getting pissed. “Why do we need to get out of the car? Write your ticket and go,” I said.
Another police officer walked up and stood next to the other cop. He was younger and dark skinned. He and his police uniform looked like one color.
“Oh, wow, you brought reinforcements,” I said.
I got out of the back seat and stood while the first cop searched the car and the dark one stood watch. I stared at him.
“Wow. You are so black.” He looked at me with smug face, daring me to continue. “You’re dark blue, like indigo, purple… you’re blurple.”
“Mara, shut up,” Sophie said.
“What? You aren’t blind. He blends so well with the night. Do you always work the night shift? I bet the bad guys don’t see you coming.”
“Forgive my friend, officer. We found out that she is racist, just a few minutes ago,” Melanie said, struggling to stand up.
“We’ve found what appears to be marijuana in the vehicle. A substantial amount,” I heard the cop speak into his radio.
“What?” Sophie shouted. “That’s not mine!”
The cop grabbed my arm.
“What are you doing? Get off me!” I yelled.
“Taking you to jail,” the dark one said.
“What? Wait. I can’t go to jail, I’m on probation.” I stood there, barely able to stand as he put the handcuffs on me, but I wasn’t as nervous or troubled as Sophie and Melanie. They cried all the way to the station. And the whole time we were in the back of the police car, I felt like I had befriended the biggest punks in the world. I should have been more concerned, but I wasn’t. This was the end. I was going to jail for violating my probation and I was going to lose my spot in the program. I knew it was coming sooner or later, so I leaned back, rested my head against the back seat, and listened to their whining.
“Are there pancakes in jail?” Melanie asked through her tears.
“No, no pancakes.” And I closed my eyes and drifted.
Chapter 26
Fluorescent lights seared my eyes as I opened them. My head was pounding and I could hear my heart beating in my chest. I laid on a bench, curled up in a fetal position, with the taste of stale liquor in my mouth. I tried to sit up but was overcome by dizziness and nausea. My ears wouldn’t stop ringing, dinging like church bells. Melanie and Sophie sat slouched and huddled together in a corner on the floor while other people, strangers, floated about. I took a good look at my surroundings and realized that I was in a cell. The drunk tank. I was in trouble.
The door opened.
“Goodwin, Peters, Scott, let’s go, you made bail,” an officer said.
Groggy and dazed, we staggered out of the cell. In front of me was a desk area, and when my eyes focused, there was good old Jack, my attorney at law, and his whore offspring, Kate. When I asked her about hiring him, I knew she wasn’t exactly sure why I needed him but now she did, thanks to Frankie.
“What the hell happened? What were you thinking?” he said. I could tell that it was more of the father coming out of him than the lawyer. “This is not looking good for you, Mara. I told you to take it easy, not to do anything stupid.”
I leaned up against the reception desk, folded my arms, and buried my head there, hoping that this was all a nightmare and I would wake up at home in my bed, laughing about how I had scared myself to death with my silly dreams, then life could go on.
“Look, I’m sorry… It’s just been a rough couple of weeks.” I almost vomited at the smell of my own breath. I had to take a step back to escape it.
“Well, it will be a rough couple of years if you don’t get your shit together,” Kate said. “I think you just violated your probation, right?”
I stood there and looked at her. The smart-ass expression that she had on her face quickly diminished. I decided to lighten up. I needed her dad and I didn’t want to piss him off.
“I appreciate it, I really do, but I just need to get home.” I looked over at Sophie, who was sitting a few feet away in a chair that she had found while Melanie, obviously still drunk, sat next to her on the floor, head hung, legs splayed.
“Sophie, I’m sorry,” I said, and I meant it. I hadn’t said sorry in a long time, and I wanted her to believe that I meant it with all sincerity, but I don’t think she did. I don’t think she even cared.
“I’ll never get him back,” she spoke so low I could barely hear her. Then louder, “I fucked up. I had no business going out. I’m a mother, I should have stayed at home.”
I walked over closer to her, trying not to be sick on my way there.
“Sophie, don’t beat yourself up.”
“What? Don’t beat myself up? You have nothing to lose. I could lose my chance now. This could be used against me in court. I could lose my son. I could lose everything!”
Melanie started whining. “What? That’s terrible, and I have a record now. I’ve never had a record. They have my fingerprints, they have my DNA. I’m a delinquent now. Because of you,” she said, pointing her skinny little finger at me. She was speaking idiot, so I paid her no mind.
I understood what Sophie meant, but the way she said it pissed me off. It implied that because I wasn’t a mother, nothing I had was worth losing.
“What do you mean I have nothing to lose? I could lose my career, my freedom. You were the one with pot in the car.”
“I told you, it’s not mine!” she shouted.
“Enough of this,” Jack said. “Mara, be in my office first thing Monday so we can clean up this mess. Sophie, your parents are in the waiting area.”
“What about me?” Melanie asked. “What am I supposed to do about my criminal status?”
“You come, too. But for now, go home and do nothing. Don’t even breathe,” he said, staring at both of us with green eyes that could have lit my ass on fire.
He walked ahead of us and Kate. Melanie and I followed like a pack of pups.
Kate moved in closer to me and started talking.
“I don’t know how you could be so unsafe, drunk in the middle of the night after—I mean, I just don’t…”
She caught herself before she let the words slip out. I couldn’t believe it. She was scolding me. I guess she thought she was helping or that it was coming from a good place, but I didn’t want to hear any of it. I didn’t even want her talking to me.
“What? Don’t what, Kate? You don’t understand how I could be so dumb, so stupid after what happened to me?” She looked at me, confused as to where my anger was coming from. “You don’t get it, do you? You don’t understand. You haven’t been where I’ve been. Yeah, Kate, I search every car I ride in looking for contraband… and yes, I drink on occasion and sometimes drink a little more than I should because I can’t live with myself. Is that what you want to hear?” I grabbed my head in frustration. “It’s my fault for what happened to me. I’m such a wretched human being, a fat-ass liar, and I drink a little.” I should have stopped as soon as I saw the tears well up in her eye
s. “Understand this, I don’t need your pity or your sympathy. I don’t think you could sincerely give it anyway. Say what you want and don’t worry about sparing my feelings. Frankie didn’t, why should you?”
“Mara, I didn’t…” She sounded like she had a frog in her throat.
“What? You didn’t know? Is that what you were going to say? Whatever.” I shook my head. “Well, now you do. Struggling every day to get my life back and I can’t do that when people keep throwing it back into my face. Group each week, Dr. Abbley’s office, working and hearing horrible stories all day long, then each day I face my own horrible story. And as soon as I think that I’ve gotten past it, there someone else is, making me live it again. I just wanted a night, one night, where I wasn’t afraid, where I could… never mind. You’re just like the rest. You don’t fucking get it. It’s easy for you to attack me because you’re on the outside of it, but I wonder if you’ll stay cool if it’s ever your turn.”
“I’m sorry,” she said.
I walked away. I was tired of defending myself. Maybe that would teach her to keep her mouth shut next time and not comment on things that she didn’t understand.
I felt sick and I just wanted to go home.
“Mara.” I turned around to look but I didn’t see anyone.
“Mara Goodwin.”
Then I saw her hidden behind a couple cops escorting jailbirds. She started to walk towards me. Kate and Melanie walked ahead.
“Detective Clark. How are you?” I asked.
“Well,” she said, “and I hope the same for you. What brings you to the station?”
I didn’t want to say anything, but I was sure that my disheveled appearance said it all.
“I got into a little trouble last night.”
She looked at me sternly, like a military officer looks at a subordinate after they disobeyed an order.
“Nothing major, I hope,” she said.
“Nope, not yet, at least,” I said, scratching my head. I didn’t feel like being social. She looked as though she had something important to say so I stood there waiting.
“Well, I was going to call later today but you’re here, so I might as well tell you. There’s been a witness that has come forward in your case.”