by Harlow Hayes
I was going to try.
December 5
FRIENDSHIP
I don’t know what it was about them, but with them I felt a wholeness that I didn’t want to let go. I felt that in this stage of our lives we needed each other more than ever. Time has a funny way of working and time is what we needed. As the parts of our lives began to break down, we began to build, and what we have built is something that will not be broken down anytime soon. It was the something deeper that I wanted, the something more that I needed, and I’m glad that they were in my life, for they had seen me at my ugliest and I had seen theirs, and none of us turned away.
Chapter 34
“Wake up!”
I jumped, almost falling out of my chair, eyes wide and scanning the room. I was in a chair across from Frankie’s bed at the mental hospital, shivering at the cold air coming out of the vent above me. I had been coming there for a week, but each time I came he had been asleep. I was sick of hospitals, considering I had spent two weeks inside of one fighting for my life, but what made it worse was that I was sitting across from him, just watching him sleep most of the time. It freaked me out. Too much like staring at a dead body in a casket, so I was relieved to see his eyes open and staring at me.
“Jesus, Frankie, don’t do that,” I snapped.
His eyes looked tired and irritated.
“Were you watching me?” I asked.
He looked uncomfortable at my question, then he spoke. “Have you seen a doctor? I mean, have you talked to one?”
“Um, earlier,” I said, pulling my sweater up around my neck.
“When am I supposed to be getting out of here?”
“I don’t know.” I stood up and walked over to the head of the bed. He pushed a button on a remote to raise the bed up further. His demeanor was solemn.
“Are you feeling all right?” I asked. “Do you need me to get you anything?”
“No. Unless you can get me home.”
“You know I can’t do that.” I reached to grab his hand, but he pulled away from me.
“Why are you here?” He kept his gaze directly ahead of him, ignoring me as I stood beside him.
“What do you mean, why am I here?”
“You don’t need to be.”
“What? Frankie, come on.” I reached for him again.
“Leave. You don’t need to be here.”
“Frankie.”
“Get out.” He looked at me, his eyes wild as fire.
“No. I’m not leaving,” I said, my voice stern.
He sighed in defeat.
“What happened?” I demanded. “You tried to kill yourself.”
Frankie wiggled uncomfortably under the sheets.
“Talk to me. You haven’t talked to me, Frankie. This whole year. When did you start feeling like this?”
“Shit, Mara, don’t try to psychoanalyze me.”
“Frankie, please. I’m not trying to argue with you.”
He sat there, still.
“Regardless of what happened, I care enough to know that I can’t see you like this. I don’t want you like this. I found you in that car and… I can’t even.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, looking up at me. “I didn’t want it to be you.”
There was silence. All that we had been through, all that we had said over the years, kept racing through my head. Why couldn’t the right words come out of my mouth? Why couldn’t the right words come out of his? Everything we had said to each other only seemed to repulse us, pushing us both further away from each other. Maybe the silence was best. I started to walk back to my chair.
“Mara.”
I turned back towards him.
“I don’t know what I’ve done most of this year. I just know that I hurt you.” He turned away so as not to look at me. “I can’t even remember… too drunk, too high. I couldn’t get past it. It got so dark. Everything dark. I’ve hurt you and I don’t even remember. That’s all I seem to do, hurt you, and I don’t want to, and even now, with all that, with all this, you’re still here.” He took a breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “There was just so much, so much coming for me. Then I let you get hurt…” I could see the tears swelling up in his eyes.
“What? What do you mean you let me get hurt?”
“It’s my fault, Mara. I should have been with you. I should have walked with you to the car, made sure you were safe. God, I couldn’t deal with another death anniversary, then to almost lose you. To see there being a real chance that I might lose you.”
“You blame yourself for that?”
“I love you.”
I sat down on the edge of the bed. Something needed to be said and I fought myself on whether or not I should say it to him, being in the state that he was. Our relationship was strange, and to say that I was complicated would be putting it mildly. I looked him in the eye and spoke.
“I don’t doubt that, Frankie, but our love for each other stems more out of an insecure need instead of really wanting each other. It’s sick love. It doesn’t blossom, it only suffocates. All the other women and the fights, and I stuck around pretending to be okay with it. Too afraid to know anything else. You love me and I love you, but not really. It’s not real if it’s rooted in fear. The truth is that you stuck around because you were afraid, too. Afraid of being alone, but you’re not, Frankie. You still have your brother and aunts and uncles, you still have family.”
“Do I not have you? Is that what you’re saying? Is this how it ends?”
“I don’t know. I think we both have a lot of healing to do, but I’m not going to leave you during the worst of it. Frankie, at one time I thought, I really thought that I would spend the rest of my life with you, but I don’t think that way anymore. We are so wildly different. I think at this point you and I both know it is not meant for us, not in that way, if we’re being honest with each other. But as long as I’m alive, you will have my friendship, and I hope I’ll have yours.”
I sat on the edge of Frankie’s bed and propped myself up next to him. He didn’t ask me to leave and we just sat there.
There wasn’t much else left to be said.
December 7
LONGING
I had never been so close to something but so far away at the same time. I was in a better place, no longer mad about what had happened this year but disappointed about what hadn’t happened. I hadn’t found MY peace, not completely. There had been peaceful times and turbulent waters, but there was still an ache inside of me for real peace that left me unsatisfied. Then there was something else that I longed for, and I didn’t know what it was. When I was a little girl I would look up into the sky and get upset because I couldn’t grab the stars. That I couldn’t reach up and hold on to one. That was the frustration that I felt. That I was constantly reaching but could never grasp anything. I needed to find out what it was. The thing barely in my line of sight, distant from me, the thing I was desperately chasing. It could be a mirage but it could also be real, so I just have to try harder.
Chapter 35
“I don’t know what I’m going to say,” Frankie said as we stood outside the door of the rehab facility.
“Franklin, grow some balls. You can do this. Now come on, let’s go.”
“Wait.” He reached out and grabbed my arm.
“No, let’s go,” I said, pulling him as he attached himself to me. Then he stopped.
“Thank you for this. You’ve been… you’ve been you again but better, happier, and I am so glad that you are who you are. Thanks for not giving up on me.”
I smiled at him.
“No problem,” I said. “Now let’s go.”
Frankie had gotten out of the hospital three weeks earlier, started going to AA meetings, and had been seeing his own therapist for about two weeks. We were surviving Christmas, so we were in a good place today. We had salvaged as much as we could from the wreckage of our relationship and it felt nice, but something was still off. I tried not to think about it
too much, not wanting to spoil the day or the moment. Frankie reached out to grab my hand as we walked through the door. With each step we got closer to him and I could feel Frankie’s hand sweating in mine.
“Mara!” he said, standing up from the table. There were many visitors there that day, but he had a table saved just for us.
“Hey, Tommy,” I said, smiling so hard it made my face hurt. “I almost didn’t recognize you.”
Tommy walked from behind the table towards me and embraced me so tight that I thought he would crush me like an aluminum can.
“I know,” he said, continuing to embrace me. As he pulled away his eyes diverted to Frankie.
“Hey, big brother.” He wrapped his arms around Frankie with the same force he used on me. “You two look exactly the same. And you, Mara, you’re still gorgeous,” he said, winking at me. “You two married yet?” he asked jokingly as he pulled away.
“No, we are not, but thanks, Tommy, you look good, too,” I said.
It was good to see them together again. Tommy did look good considering the fact that he had been a drug addict the past several years. They had aged him, but he still acted like the same exuberant teenager I remembered from years ago. Frankie was just sitting down when I heard my phone ring. I didn’t immediately recognize the number but when I did, I thought my legs would buckle beneath me.
“I’ll be back, I have to take this,” I said.
Frankie looked reluctant to let me leave, but they needed some time to talk alone. I walked until I found a quiet area near the entryway and stood there leaning against the wall.
“Hello,” I said, fumbling the phone and dropping it. I went to pick it up off of the ground.
“Mara?”
“Yeah, who is this?” I asked, knowing full well who it was.
“This is Detective Clark. How are you doing today?”
“I’m doing okay so far.” I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
“Good to hear. Well, I’m not going to keep you wondering why I called.” She paused again to say something to someone in the background. I assumed it was someone she was passing. But I just wanted her to spit it out. What did she want? There was more muffled speaking, then I finally heard her voice again.
“I just wanted to let you know, we got him. We arrested him this morning at his home. He will never be able to hurt anyone ever again, not if I can help it.”
The words consumed me, playing over and over and over again in my head. I slid down the wall that I was leaning against, unable to feel my feet beneath me. I took a deep breath. Drowning out everything else.
“Mara, are you still there?”
I came to, not realizing she was still on the phone.
“Yeah, I’m here, I’m just a little busy right now,” I said as I wiped the one warm tear I was able to shed from my cheek.
“All right. I’ll call you tomorrow with more details on how we will move forward from here, but Merry Christmas, Mara. He’s off the streets.”
“Thank you,” I said. “What’s his name?”
I heard it loud and clear and I wanted to be sick, but they had him. They finally had him and I ended the call.
I couldn’t believe it. But it had happened. And I felt so light I thought I would float away.
December 25
FREEDOM
I had never felt so free. I could walk out of that building and know that he wasn’t there anymore, watching or listening. I was free and there was nothing like it. I was free from old thinking and behavior and free from expectations. I was finally free of so much pain that limited me. I think the sad part for me is that it took this for me to realize it. Something painful for me to realize that free is my natural state and that I had always been free. I had been tethered by invisible chains. But now I walk carrying no shackles.
Chapter 36
Destiny rubbed her hands around her large belly. “We found out yesterday…I finally caved in,” she said, staring down at her protruding stomach.
“A girl! That’s so exciting!” Sophie said, but Destiny didn’t seem too enthused.
“What’s wrong?” Roe asked, irritated. “Was your husband not happy about it? Wait. Let me guess, he wanted a boy?”
“No, he’s thrilled,” Destiny said.
“And you’re not?” I asked.
“Destiny, tell us what’s upsetting you,” Dr. Moore said.
“I didn’t want it to be a girl.” I could hear the tears trying to tear through her voice. “I don’t want it to be a girl.”
“What’s wrong with it being a girl?” Zoey asked.
“Everything is wrong with her being a girl!”
We all leaned back in our seats, certain that we had just opened a can of worms that we couldn’t close the lid on.
“Well, you can’t change that now,” Carla said. “You just have to make the best with what you got.”
“Hold on, group,” Dr. Moore said, directing her body to Destiny. “Destiny, what do you mean by ‘everything is wrong?’”
Destiny rubbed her stomach again before she spoke. “She could be like us…”
The room fell silent.
“She could be just like us!”
“You can’t think like that, Destiny,” Sophie said.
“Well, I can and I do,” Destiny snapped back.
“Why do you feel that way, Destiny?” Dr. Moore asked.
“I think that way because she is a girl who will one day be a woman. Men, they don’t have to worry about this kind of thing happening to them. If they do, it’s very rare.” She paused to take a breath. “A son doesn’t have to worry about going to the grocery store late at night or hiking or riding his bike in the woods or running in the park alone at the wrong time of day. He won’t worry about whether or not someone drugged his drink when he went to the bathroom on a date or if someone brings him an open beer at a house party.” She diverted her gaze to the window. “You know, when I was raped I looked up the stats and one in four, one in four women are raped or victims of attempted rape, so that might include my baby, your babies… This is the world that I am bringing her into, and you know what? I feel guilty. She didn’t ask for this, and I’m pulling her into a game where the odds are already against her.”
Roe spoke first. “Look, I get what you are saying, but the world we live in is the world we live in. There isn’t another place we can go and be safe. I’m not a mother and I understand you have a legitimate concern, but you can’t control that. If we’ve learned anything in this damn group it has been that we don’t have control over what happens to us, but we have all the control on how we respond to it. You are already condemning your baby to the worst, but she may be smart, gifted, and strong. She doesn’t have to be a victim of society. She may even be able to change it.”
“Very well said, Roe,” Dr. Moore said.
“Well, I’m deep and shit when I need to be,” Roe said, leaning back in her chair like a don. That got a couple of laughs.
“Ladies, I want you to remember what we have discussed here the past several months,” said Dr. Moore. “As we know, most women don’t seek help, and if they do, it’s only when the PTSD symptoms have gotten out of hand, so just you being here has showed me a lot. You are all intelligent and resilient, and what has happened to you has not destroyed you. Though you may feel weak, you are not. Though you may feel hurt or crippled, know that you can heal. There were no dumb decisions you made that got you here. You asked for nothing. You have all grown so much, and with that growth you can increase your capacity for love, forgiveness, and intimacy, and ultimately reclaim power over your life.”
She stopped and looked around at each of us. I knew that she wasn’t talking about me, but the gesture of inclusion was nice all the same. She knew I hadn’t said much since this process started, and I was light-years behind the rest, but in my eyes I felt that I was right where I needed to be for me to feel comfortable. I knew my role as the giver of opinions, not the sharer of secrets, and I was fi
ne with that. Until that day. That day I wanted a new title.
“Now I’m going to continue our discussion.” She turned and looked at me. “Mara, do you have anything that you would like to share or discuss?”
I did, but in the moment, fear almost got the best of me. Was this new information something I wanted to tell? Could I find the words, or did I need to just keep it to myself? Dr. Moore looked over at me and my mind raced. Rethinking it, reliving it all.
He watched me walk in and out of Frankie’s, he sat at the dinner table with us, I broke bread with that son of a bitch. I remember the last time I saw him in the hall before I found Frankie. Never in my life would I have thought that he was capable of doing what he did. I looked over at Sophie, who was staring at me, edging me on with her eyes. Fucking peer pressure, I thought as I watched her smile sweetly at me while beads of sweat ran down my back. But if I did say something, I knew that at the very least that I could leave there knowing that I had given it a shot, and that even in my own stubbornness I was able find the remains of my bravery somewhere and resuscitate it.
“They caught him… the rapist.”
Dr. Moore adjusted herself in her seat and looked directly into my eyes. Sophie’s jaw dropped, and Carla and Roe’s eyes widened. I could feel Zoey’s body tense up next to me and Destiny held onto her belly for dear life.
“It was my friend’s neighbor, and when they told me I wanted to punch myself in the face for being such an idiot. There he was, right there, under my nose the whole time, and I didn’t have any way to know, no way to protect myself. I don’t like talking about it, I still don’t. It makes it real all over again, but I guess nothing has made it more real than not talking about it.” I buried my face in my hand. “It’s been eating me alive.”
I sat back in my seat and took a deep breath. “I’ve never understood how another person could do something so horrible and then just go about their life. I mean, you rape someone, you rob them of their choice, you impose your will, and you leave them in a parking garage to die, and then you go home, go to sleep, wake up, and enjoy your morning coffee as usual? How fucked up do you have to be?” I could hear the anger in my voice and it startled me. “I saw this asshole at parties and talked to him in the hall, and the whole time he was smiling in my face, knowing what he had done. I don’t understand… I just don’t understand.” I stopped before the tears came.