“No need, Gertie. Jessica and I heard it all. I’m fine with it. What do you say, Jessica?”
“Let’s see, our options are to walk hundreds of miles while being pursued by witch-hunters or to be there with a shake of your broom. Tough decision. Hmm. I vote broom. I don’t care if she comes along.”
“Darcy, what are your thoughts?” Brad asked.
“Meow, meow.”
“Broom travel it is. Is everyone ready now?” I checked each nodding head and motioned for us to hold hands.
“Katherine, I’m going to hold the broom and recite a short spell, when I squeeze your hand, I want you to clearly say the name of the place.
“Witch’s flight, day or night
To and fro, take us now to where we must go
To…” Squeezing her hand, I gave her the signal.
“To Hulne Park at Alnwick Castle, Northumberland!”
Chapter 21
Dragon Hunting
The green hills gently rolled out below the crag we found ourselves standing on. Erratically placed strips of mossy stone fence made the pastures appear naturally made for their beauty.
Most striking was the colossal castle seated on the other side of a lazy river. Atop the battlements, brightly colored banners fluttered in the wind.
“So much for leaving the geese behind.” Brad stood in the middle of Katherine’s confused honking charges.
“Don’t look at me. I have no idea how this witchcraft works,” Katherine said sheepishly.
“Ditto for me,” Jessica added.
“Not to worry. That’s some castle. What else did the gamekeeper say? Any specific place around here we should start looking?”
“All I know is the dragon was spotted in Hulne Park, by the castle. It looks like a big area, and I suppose it’s the hunting land for the castle.”
“Gertie, do you think Olaf likes water, trees, or rocky places best? I’m just trying to narrow down our search.” Brad cupped his hands to his forehead, shading his eyes while he scanned the landscape.
“He never cared much for water until he met Rebecca…of course. I know he suns himself in rocky places, like our gravel driveway out back. Then again, he loves scratching trees. Hmm. If I were Olaf, I’d stay up as high on the hills as I could, especially if there are rocky cliffs. It would give him the ability to see anyone coming his way.”
“Speaking of people, look!” Jessica pointed to the road leading to the castle.
“Jaysus, it’s like the circus is coming to town,” I remarked.
A large procession was approaching the castle. It must have included a hundred riders, and nearly as many footmen. Flags flew above the lead horses, runners paced ahead of them toward the castle doors. In the middle of the parade were two huge and very ornate carriages, only these carriages weren’t on wheels. Instead, long poles supported them on the shoulders of many men.
“We sure want to steer clear of the castle. Way too busy for Olaf and way too easy for someone to spot us.” Brad pointed to the forest. “Looks like we’re going on a nature hike. Other than tracks, what other signs should we look for?”
“Well, deep scratches in tree trunks, uprooted trees, and big holes. He likes to dig holes to sleep in sometimes.”
“What does he look like? Is he fierce and frightening? With horned spikes on his head? Maybe smoke rolling out of his nostrils?” Katherine asked eagerly.
“Yeah, and does he have huge bat wings? Or a tail that starts fires?” Jessica asked, equally excited.
“Not exactly. Um, as far as dragons go, Olaf is more Dragon Tales than Harry Potter, if that helps. Unless you blow on a horn, then he goes into a pure rage. Other than that issue, he’s quite cute actually and very sweet. Clumsy, though, just an absolute klutz. His skin is smooth and white, with a ridge of rainbow colored triangle-shaped bumps that run from his neck to the tip of his chubby tail. Oh, he’s a bit overweight and to be honest, he’s become quite sensitive about it, so please don’t poke his pudgy belly or paws, as irresistible as it may be.”
Jessica had her hands on her hips and shook her head in disappointment.
“Seriously? Okay, Gertie. If you’re going to have a pet dragon, it should be an honest to God scary looking dragon, not a giant Beanie Baby.”
“I’ve taken in several wild and terrifying dragons at the plantation. Trust me, they aren’t for the inexperienced witch or wizard. Getting them into proper homes becomes a priority, they are that scary.”
“And dangerous! Don’t forget they’re dangerous! I’ve got the scars to prove it,” Brad emphatically reminded me.
“He’s referring to the time when he went to the barn to feed a young Black Water Bludgeoner. Those razor sharp claws and needle-like teeth nearly amputated his legs.”
A chill ran up my spine when I pictured it. “It’s true. Not all dragons are sweethearts like Olaf. Just hope you never come across a constipated Yellow Bellied Assassin. Saw one of those eat an entire village in Madagascar. Thank the Saints it was carnival season and everyone was in the next village, well, almost everyone.”
“Katherine, I should tell you that Gertie runs her own shelter for paranormal creatures. She even has a unicorn. A unicorn! Can you believe it?” Jessica gushed with excitement.
“It must be an amazing life you lead, Gertie. You’re a witch, with dragons and all sorts of magical beasts. And is that handsome man your husband?”
“Brad? No, not yet. But we’re engaged to be married.”
“Exciting! A wedding! You know what the man gets to do to you after the wedding? He gets to kiss you on the lips!” Katherine laughed and her geese honked.
“I hate to change the happy subject, but I’ve got one more question. How big is this dragon we’re looking for?” Jessica asked.
“His body is about the size of a Fed-Ex truck. I know because he jumped on one. The driver blew his horn, of course, so there was nothing I could do.”
“Should make him easy to find,” Jessica replied.
Brad waved his hand. “Like most people, I bet you’ve never come across a dragon. Right?”
Jessica nodded. “Uh huh.”
“You know why? Because they’re experts in camouflage, and they are very good hiders. I swear Olaf is part chameleon. So don’t underestimate a dragon. Anyway, we should get moving before it rains.”
Our dragon hunt was finally underway. We fanned out, staying within eyesight of each other. The rocky areas were empty, not a single sign of Olaf.
The forest, we knew, would take much longer. It was dark, with many fallen trees, deep ravines, and other natural hiding places. We stayed closer together, making our search even slower. Every now and again, I whistled and waited to hear Olaf’s distinct roar, only to be disappointed by the silence of the woods.
Something strange happened. For an instant, it was as if a python had coiled around my feet. I froze, staring at the leafy debris covering my shoes. “Huh,” I said, completely puzzled.
“Hold on! Don’t move another step!” Jessica shouted. “There’s some kind of a—” but her warning was interrupted by the sounds of branches being smashed.
My legs were pulled from under me by some supernatural force and someone screamed like a scalded ape. As it turned out, the screaming came from me being jerked high into the trees by my feet.
“Trap,” Jessica said, finally completing her warning.
I did my best impersonation of a human yo-yo, bobbing up and down, when Darcy decided to abandon me. She leapt from her pouch and made her best flying squirrel pose. Of course, she didn’t glide at all. She dropped like a stone on top of Brad’s astonished face.
Even from my inverted bouncy vantage point, I could see her claws piercing the flesh of his temples as she slid down his face and clawed her way back up, like she was one of those last survivors on the sinking Titanic. It was deeply disturbing. Oddly enough, he didn’t scream at all. He just made a weird muffled grunting sound as he stumbled about blindly.
The w
hole place was booby trapped to catch Olaf. Brad and Darcy fell into a concealed pit. Jessica was snared and snatched up into the trees alongside me. The only ones to escape the danger were Katherine and her geese.
I noticed Jessica had the palms of her hands against her chest, just like I was doing. “I think my boobs hit my chin on that one. I guess bras were never designed to hold things in upside down.”
“You’re lucky, I bounced off that tree and back up again like one of those paddle ball toys. My boobs are the least of my worries right now.”
“Brad! Darcy! How’d you make out with your trap?”
“Well, other than the fact that Darcy transplanted my face onto my ass, it’s really muddy. Too deep to climb the sides, so I’m sending Darcy up.” He promptly chucked her out of the hole.
“Katherine? Are you all right?” I asked, unable to see her.
“I’m fine. That was really something to see, the two of you whipped around like that,” she said amid a steady pounding sound.
“What’s that noise, Hun?” Jessica asked.
“A sharp rock. I’m using it to chop through this rope.” Katherine’s steady pounding slowed until it finally ceased. “It’s not working. I need a knife or an ax. I’ll be back.”
“Wait! Katherine!” Brad shouted, but Katherine had already gone too far to hear his muffled pleas.
“Damn. I thought she had a good idea, but I wish I would’ve told her to drop some big branches down to me. I could’ve used them to get out of here.”
“Meow. Meow.”
“You're right, Darcy. She’s just a kid, but she’s trying her best.”
Chapter 22
Booby Trapped Boobs
Brad grunted and groaned as he continued his escape attempt.
“I sure hope Katherine’s okay. If I hang upside down much longer, my belly button will be permanently relocated to my chest. How long has it been, Gertie? A few hours?”
“About fifteen minutes. It just seems longer. Any luck, Brad?”
“I’m finally getting somewhere. I clawed through the mud and I’ve found a tree root. I think I can make it out. Just…have…to grab…on…arrgh. I’m…almost…just one more pull…I’m coming…out!”
“Sweet mother of God, what are you doing down there?”
“Yeah! Woo! Hey, ladies, why are a couple of nice girls like you hanging around in a forest like this?”
“Pleeeeaaase! Just get me down from here. I’m losing my mind!” Jessica sobbed.
“Okay, okay, you’re first.” Brad looked over the giant snare until he found a knot in the thick rope. After a few minutes of struggling, Jessica landed on the ground with a thud. He immediately repeated the process on my snare.
As he helped us to our feet, we heard the whinnies and neighs of horses closing in. “Halt! In the name of the King!”
“Aw…seriously? This guy?” Jessica referred to the leader of about a dozen mounted men.
“Again! My wand and broom must have fallen out when I got flung through the air.”
“Lord Tossinoff, what are you doing here?” Brad asked.
“California King! Your Highness, I should be asking the same. I am hunting a dragon. King Henry is holding court here at the castle. He will be joining in the great dragon hunt as well.”
“The dragon, of course. I heard a rumor about a dragon. That’s exactly why I’m out here. I haven’t come across a single track. Have you found any signs of the dragon?”
“In fact, ten of my best men cornered it under a rocky ledge just a mile west of here. They’ve gotten it caged. It is too large to move, but it is our captive there, as anywhere. I was just on my way to notify King Henry so that he may slay it tomorrow in the evening. He will be occupied with the royal jousting matches in the morning.”
“Why of course! The king should be the one. I would very much enjoy witnessing his triumph.”
“Of course. It appears that thou has subdued the witches!” Lord Tossinoff pointed at the snares still coiled around our legs. “A vicious struggle, no doubt. My household will furnish you with clothes and meet any of your needs. My men will take the witches and lock them in the keep. I know the king, as well as my good friend, Duke Charles, will be most pleased with these prizes.”
“Yes, well…” Brad glanced at us and winked once. He had a plan. “Give me a horse, and I will take these wenches to the castle myself. I believe I’ve earned that honor.”
“Very well. We will follow well behind, Your Highness.” He waved a hand in the air, giving a signal for one of the soldiers to dismount. The man handed the reins to Brad, then bound mine and Jessica’s hands before removing the rope from our feet.
I’d never considered Brad to be a rider. From the way he so warily approached the horse, like he was about to mount an enraged escaped rhinoceros, neither did he. Brad circled the horse as if he couldn’t find some imagined stairs or an on-off switch.
“Is there a problem with the horse, Your Highness?” the soldier asked.
Brad expertly hid his incompetence behind blustery criticism. “It’s an English horse. It goes without saying there’s a problem, you boob. In my kingdom, the horse genuflects before its master. You know, it bows down so one may easily sit his royal ass on the leather seat.”
“It bows down, Your Highness?” the soldier asked, quite confused.
“Yes! Of course it bows down, you buffoon! And it would close its eyes the whole time.”
“Did he say genuflect? Really?” Jessica whispered.
“Psst. Brad, the leather seat is called a saddle,” I whispered.
“Huh? Oh, okay.” Brad gave me a secretive thumbs up and patted the horse’s nose. “It would be undignified for the California King to ride such an uncouth beast. Take it away! It offends thy royalessness.”
“Yes, Your Highness.” The soldier returned the horse to Lord Tossinoff’s patrol.
“I will lead on foot,” Brad said, taking up the rope that was tied around our waists. “Stay well behind me, Tossinoff. I do not wish to smell your foul beasts.” Darcy took the opportunity to quietly jump back into the plush cat carrier.
We were a few hundred yards out of the forest before Lord Tossinoff’s patrol moved out. My optimism faded fast. It seemed we were out of luck. Olaf had been found, but frightened, cornered, and caged by mean men. Ezzy was lost to herself and was lost in time. Cosmos and Randy had no idea where we were, and the only other person was a young girl with a flock of geese.
“Brad, you played your part well back there. Someday, I’ll show you how to ride a horse.”
“Hopefully, that someday will be hundreds of years in the future. Did either of you see which way Katherine went?”
“I’m hoping she is watching us right now. You never know, she might be the one to save us.”
“At least Tossinoff doesn’t think I’m in cahoots with the two of you. Not yet anyway. Which is good because after it gets dark, while you’re locked up, I can find a way back out to the woods, rescue Olaf, then rescue you. Or something like that.”
“Very optimistic of you,” Jessica said sarcastically. “Or maybe you could break us out and we could all get Olaf and go back to Randy and Cosmos.”
Chapter 23
Challenged
“Duke Charles, greetings!”
“Your Highness! What a surprise. We all gave you up for dead after the witches took you. Tell me, how did you overpower them?” The duke was impressed and he may have been slightly suspicious.
“It’s a long story. A very long story. In fact, it’s such a long story I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to tell you. I must ask you a favor, Charles. When you confine these witches, you must provide them with comfortable lodging. They are my prisoners. As it is the custom in my kingdom, the king’s personal captives must be treated like they are the family of the king.”
“A very strange custom. Very strange indeed. Very well, they will be comfortable. The best room in the castle keep, I assure you.”
; “As for myself, I would prefer a room to rest, undisturbed, until after dark.”
“Another custom of your kingdom, Your Highness?”
“Of course. Oh, and we have one more custom. I require one ice cold beer now.”
“Ahhmmm.” Duke Charles sighed. “Certainly, Your Highness. Anything else?”
“Just tell my friend, King Henry, that I’ve cleaned up his witch problem and I’ll see him later. Thanks.” Brad gave me another sly wink.
“Wow, Gertie. I’m impressed. Your boyfriend sure knows how to play these guys for fools.”
“Who would’ve thought? He’s a natural. This might still work out fine.”
Our captors led us to the castle keep.
The cell was drab, with a washbasin, a small table, and two uncomfortable beds. “This is the best room in the keep? Christ almighty, it might be fit for an Englishman, but not for me.”
Darcy abandoned us, and as she slunk away, I asked her to return to the forest and find my wand and broom. It’s hard to say, sometimes, whether a cat is saying she understands you, or if she’s simply providing her answer with a disgusted display of her ass. I’m pretty sure she did both.
Jessica and I passed the waning daylight hours talking about all the paranormal critters I’ve taken in over the years. It’s always good to find someone with a passion for animals, and even better when that passion is for the special gifted animals that I take care of.
“I’ve never met a cryptozoologist before. To be honest, I never even heard of one either. You should create a reference book, like one of those bird watcher’s guides. I’ve been hoping you would consider visiting me at the plantation. Would you, please? You can meet all the creatures.”
“Yes! Are you kidding? Of course I’ll visit! And that’s a great idea about writing a cryptozoologist’s field guide. Plus, I can catch up on giving Randy shit about his pretentious clothes.”
“We’ll have so much fun. You’re more than welcome to come and stay at the plantation any time you’d like.”
“Do you think it’s after dark yet?” Jessica seemed like she had more to say, but both of our eyes locked in on the echoing sounds of a heavy door being opened.
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