“Where in the world did these people get their morals? Anyway, so now Charles has been snubbed in front of everyone. What’ll happen, Jessica? Is the deal between him and Brad still good?”
“Oh yeah, it is. I’m sure that was just for show. He never expected Ezzy to act so rudely. Now he’ll really be out for blood.”
I took out my wand and buffed it off. I was determined that Brad would come through unscathed and victorious.
The din from the applauding spectators caught our attention. Another rider trotted out on the field. This knight’s polished steel armor shined like a diamond, and he would’ve looked perfectly regal if it wasn’t for his long lance waving around like he swatted at flies. His horse stopped, backed up a few steps, moved forward, and even sidestepped.
“Jaysus! I think that horse is doing the moonwalk. That can only be Brad in the saddle,” I said. “Psst, Brad! Over here!” I waved, but Brad couldn’t hear a word I said.
“I’m just impressed he was able to get on the horse. I’ve read that they sometimes had to lower the knights down on their horses because the armor was so heavy. I bet that’s what they did for him.”
“Prepare to die, California King!” Charles shouted, lining himself up on one end of the field. I assume that Brad was supposed to be lining up to charge his opponent, but he couldn’t figure out how to make his horse move.
Then it happened, the signal to charge sounded. That signal was the blast from a trumpet. “Oh no! Olaf!” I screamed as I watched the duke’s horse take off in a full gallop. They were on a collision course with Brad. He was about to be shish-kabobbed by the duke’s lance.
The entire place turned into a screaming cauldron of fear. The bleachers were reduced to splinters when Olaf ripped into them. He roared so loud the sound alone knocked people over. The Sasquatches weren’t about to miss a fight. They joined in the destruction, with unabated enthusiasm.
“This isn’t anything like I expected,” I mumbled just before Olaf’s tail swung around and destroyed the stage above us. Katherine’s frightened geese joined us in the rubble, which had conveniently collapsed around us, forming a little fort.
Charles, upset that the marauding dragon had spoiled his tournament, squared off against Olaf. The duke must have seen the confrontation as the ultimate test of his gallantry and skill. To Olaf, the armor-clad warrior was merely a canned snack.
My hands covered my face. I could barely watch, but I had to. Peeking out between my fingers, I watched Charles charge Olaf. The dragon was unfazed by the pointy lance targeting him. His front paws swung together and snatched the knight right out of his saddle, and shook him violently. In a final swing of his paws, Charles twirled high into the air. His arms frantically grasped at the air, like a trapeze artist who missed the bar.
Olaf threw his head back and opened his mouth wide. It was snack time. He clamped his jaws with perfect timing. The only part of Charles that I could see were his legs dangling out from between Olaf’s closed lips.
“Olaf!” I screamed. “That is quite enough!” I shouted, running onto the jousting field. “Remember how sick you were after eating that canned dog food?”
Olaf spit the duke out. The drool drenched man landed unceremoniously on his backside.
“Roo? Goo roo?” Olaf cooed apologetically.
“No, I’m not mad. It’s time to calm down.” I scanned the grassy arena, looking for Brad and Ezzy.
“Gertie! Look!” Jessica shrieked. “Kate’s on Brad’s horse with him. And she’s got the reins!” She pointed to the Sasquatch mounted on the galloping horse, a knight in shining armor seated behind her. But he was facing backwards. “That must be Brad. He’s in the reverse cowboy position!”
“Oh. My. God.” I didn’t have anything more to say. On the other side of the field, Wills had commandeered Charles’ horse and had captured Ezzy. His big hairy arm curled around her waist and he held her close to his side. To give the surreal equestrian performance a touch of the absurd, he had returned the purple dildo to the mounting device on top of his head.
Wills and Kate charged toward each other, playing chicken, or horse-chicken. By the third narrow miss, Ezzy passed out, either from fright or because the blood had drained out of her head and piled up in her legs. On that last run, Brad flipped head first over the horse’s hind end, and landed next to me.
“Quickly now! Everyone, grab hold of Olaf!” It took a minute, but soon enough, Katherine and her flock joined me, Brad and Jessica. Wills and Kate brought Ezzy, tossing her unconscious body on the ground like a sack of potatoes.
I took out my little broom and in the blink of an eye, our whole gang left the ruined jousting field. We were off to the Devil’s Arse.
Chapter 26
Reunited
“Gertie! You actually did it!” Randy hugged everyone. “Just in time, too. Cosmos has been driving me nuts.”
“Have you two figured out a way to get us back? Errr, I mean forward? In time, that is.”
“Of course not. I see you picked up some stragglers on your trip. Kate and Wills, of course. I should’ve expected them to get into this mess, but who’s the girl with the geese?”
“That’s Katherine. Just a curious young lady from one of the farms around here. She was very helpful.”
“Hmm…” Puzzled, Randy watched her. Whatever bothered him, he dismissed in seconds. “Gertie, let me ask you something. How would you like to try spelunking with me?”
I quickly looked over my shoulder to make certain we were out of earshot. Brad and Katherine were busy tying Ezzy to a chair while Jessica and the Sasquatches worked to calm Olaf down.
My face had to have been as red as a boiled lobster. “Randy! I can’t believe you!” My voice was hushed. “Uh, I’ve never considered it. Okay, I have, once, maybe twice. But it was purely in a dream. Okay, partly in a dream if I’m honest. But I can’t. I won’t. Brad is the only one—”
“Why are you all flustered, Gertie? Don’t worry, I’m planning on asking Brad to join us.”
“Jaysus Christ and his uncle Gabe!” I swallowed. It was one of those hard, dry swallows you get when you’re nervous. Explicit images of group sex, nasty and quite vivid, flew through my head. I took a very deep breath and exhaled.
“Randy, listen, I’m not entirely opposed to the idea…as long as Brad joins in. I’m kind of intrigued actually. Please keep that in mind. But that being said, a part of me is abhorred by it. There are many, many things to consider and this is hardly the time or the place to discuss it.”
“What? This is the perfect time and place.” Randy turned around, his arms outstretched. “Hey, Brad! Got a second?”
My soul cringed.
“Yeah, what’s up?”
“You want to do a little spelunking with me and Gertie?”
“Who wouldn’t?” Brad playfully put his arm around my waist and pulled me close. “I haven’t done that in years.”
“Hold on a second.” I was quite shocked over this revelation. “This is something you’ve done before? How many times?”
“Oh, I dunno. Used to be something I did with my friends every weekend. I was even in the same spelunking club as Randy for a while.” They high-fived each other over my head—I stood between them.
“Sweet Jaysus.” I felt sick.
Randy retrieved several coils of rope. “Picked these up at a local market this morning. Man, what a mess that village is. Looks like it took a direct hit from a tornado. Anyway, these should support us. I’ve also built a platform with pulleys I scrounged from some of the wells around the area. I have torches, too.”
“Pulleys? Torches,” I squeaked. My curiosity shifted to fear.
“Sure. I’m anxious to explore that cave. From the strange writings Cosmos found in here, we have a hunch we might find our answers down in the chasm.”
Something in my brain clicked. “Uh, could you please define spelunking?”
“Caving, exploring caverns, that kind of thing,” Brad answered.<
br />
“Ah ha. I see.” A tsunami-sized wave of relief washed over me and I let it all out there. “Whew, for a minute there, I thought you two were talking about the three of us having sex together.” I gasped, shocked I’d just said it out loud. I wanted to suck the words back into my mouth, but it was too late.
Complete and awkward silence filled the spaces between us. Naturally, I avoided eye contact with both of them. I think we all kept our eyes to ourselves.
“Well—it’s probably flashbacks from those mints Ezzy gave you.” Brad cleared his throat. “Let’s talk to Cosmos about this writing he found,” he said, quickly changing the subject as he walked over to Cosmos’ makeshift alchemy lab.
“Cosmos, what’s this writing you’ve discovered in the cave?” he asked.
“Ah! You mean symbols, not writing. There are two different sets. One is very ancient. It took a long time to decipher, but it explains the noises coming from deep in the cave.”
“The water chambers you mentioned when you first showed us the cave. Right?” I asked.
“Wrong.” Cosmos waved his arms. “Forget what I said. The symbols tell us this is an ancient nesting site. Once every five hundred years, monstrous creatures come to this cave to breed and give birth to their young.”
“Monstrous creatures? Like?” Brad asked.
“Dragons. Wait until we hear the sounds again. They’re overdue and should start again soon. Watch Olaf’s reaction. He will be drawn to it.”
We waited for a few minutes. Just as Cosmos promised, the belching sounds echoed from deep within the cavern.
“Roo? Roo?” Olaf whimpered. He clamored to his feet and hopped to the edge of the precipice. Below him was pitch black nothingness. “Rooo? Rooo?” he moaned, more determined with his sound.
“I can’t believe it! Jessica! Come here. It seems Olaf has found another dragon,” I shouted.
“You’re right. Just as I’d expected, there is a dragon,” Cosmos said. “Now, let me tell you about the other symbols I’ve found.” He pointed to chalk marks on the cave wall. “These symbols are all new. Alchemist’s symbology from the current period. I’m guessing the oldest is no more than a year old.”
“What do these say?” Brad asked, tracing his finger over the marks.
“Nothing to do with the dragon. Whoever has been writing this has been quite unaware of the dragon’s nest. Instead, they say this is a magic well. They describe it as a cornucopia that provides them with strange and wondrous things. In fact, there is a running list of items that have been coughed up, out of the cave.”
“What kind of things?” I asked, my curiosity on full strength.
Cosmos pointed to various marks and explained them as his finger moved from place to place. “Hats, shoes, clothing. This one says tiny sharp blades affixed to a handle made from strange elements.”
“Huh. Sounds like a razor,” Brad said.
“Precisely what I was thinking. There is also candy, crackers, a fake phallus, more shoes and more shoes. Many shoes and women’s lingerie.”
“A fake phallus? What the hell?”
“I’ve studied many kinds of magic, and I’ve learned that a spell exists that can transport inanimate objects to a designated location. With items like these, it can only be a female witch that has been transporting these assorted items deep into this cave.”
Contrary to popular opinion, I’m not thick headed. I knew what was going on—sort of. These were all items I’d bought while shopping at some point in the past year. Items I’d stored in my magic tote, but had mysteriously never reappeared when I got home.
“Excuse me, everyone. I have a confession,” I said humbly.
“I knew this would be coming at some point,” Randy sneered.
“You see, I came across a handy spell for shopping. I enchanted a tote bag that I take shopping. I put as much into it as I want and it never fills up or gets heavier. Super handy, right? Well, I admit I forget where I put things quite often. When I can’t find some of my purchases, I know the magic tote just loses them. A small price to pay for how useful it’s been.”
Randy smacked his open palm against his forehead. “Didn’t you read the spell? You were supposed to have a designated place to put things. It sounds like your bedroom would’ve been the ideal place.”
“I’m sorry. Once again.”
Cosmos placed his hand on my shoulder. “Randy don’t be so harsh. Gertie’s incompetence has accidentally created a way back to the Paranormal Plantation. Provided, of course, her enchanted tote is still there. You see, since she never designated a destination point, some of her items ended up deep in this dragon cave, which in itself is a place that only opens the protective membrane every five hundred years during the dragon breeding season. It was perfectly, albeit coincidentally, timed.”
“Yeah, Randy. So…see?” I stuck my tongue out like a child.
Cosmos continued, “Yes, as you see, when she accidentally created the time travel paint and carelessly left a gaping hole for us all to fall through, we’d be hopelessly stuck here on account of her moronic buffoonery! But thanks to her previous shopping tote magic blunder, we just may have a way out!”
“Um, Cosmos, I’m confused. Was that a compliment or an insult?” I asked.
“Wear the shoe that fits, girl,” Cosmos replied.
“Okay, so now we have to find a way down into this dragon’s nest. It’s probably loaded with breeding dragons and it’s the only way to find our passage home. Did I get that right?” Brad asked.
“Exactly. Fortunately, Olaf must have followed his instinct when he got close to the fuchsia paint and he heard, or smelled, that it was breeding season. He can distract any dragons, or maybe even communicate to them that we aren’t a threat as we go through.”
“Provided the way home is even down there.” Randy nodded toward the chasm.
“We have one more problem,” I said, pointing at Ezzy. “We need to fix her.”
“Quite a puzzle, isn’t she?” Cosmos said, eyeing Ezzy from across the cavern.
“That, at least, is nothing new. Ezzy’s always been able to keep everyone guessing,” I replied, recalling the sarcastic, lively, and knowledgeable witch I’d always known.
“There must be something we’ve overlooked, Gertie. She didn’t take a hit to the head, she’s not possessed, nor does she seem to be under any curse. Tell me again what you did that day. This time, try to recall every detail, even if it seems insignificant.”
“We’ve gone over this time and again, to the point I’m getting mixed up.”
“Just try. How about I ask you specific questions?”
“It’s as good as anything.”
“Tell me again about when you went to my shop. Did Ezzy pick up any other items? Did she use any spells at all?”
“No, and no. Of course, I had my magic tote along, but—”
“Of course! Gertie! Why didn’t we think of it? The tote. Did she handle the tote?”
“Yes. She asked about it. She even put her hand into it.” It wasn’t until then that I remembered how Ezzy pulled her hand out.
“Ah ha! I remember! She put her hand inside. She wanted to know what happened to the items I put inside. She pulled her hand out like she’d been bitten. For a second, she almost looked frightened. And you know Ezzy, nothing scares her.”
“I’d ask if she acted strangely after her scare, but we all know there’s no baseline to gauge that witch’s strangeness. I do think something happened to her. She reached into the bottom of the dragon’s nest. For some reason, it really affected her when she arrived here. I firmly believe her memories, her essence, her spirit started draining right out of her body and ended up in the bottom of that pit over there.”
Brad and Randy were carefully following my conversation with Cosmos. Finally, Brad made a suggestion. “I still think Randy is right. We’ll never have our answers until we explore the deepest parts of the chasm.”
Randy was eager to get back on track with
his spelunking trip. “What are we waiting for? I’ve got everything we need and it’s all set up.”
Chapter 27
Fire in the Hole
“That should work,” Brad said, tightening the knot that connected the rope to Randy’s makeshift harness. “You ready, Randy? Remember to use the second rope, the loose one, to signal us.”
Randy held a flaming torch away from his body. “Yep, two pulls to lower me down six feet, one pull to stop. A bunch of fast pulls means I want to be brought back up. Go ahead and start lowering me down.” Brad loosened the rope from the stalagmite, which it had been wrapped around.
“Good luck, Randy!” I waved as Randy slowly disappeared.
“Don’t touch a thing!” Cosmos warned.
Randy’s signals kept repeating. Brad continued to lower him. “How far do you think it is until he gets to the bottom?”
Cosmos stroked his beard. “Who can say? If we run out of rope, Brad will pull him back up. Unless a dragon eats him.”
“Saints almighty! You think that could happen?”
“Let’s hope dragons have a more discriminating taste than that,” Cosmos deadpanned.
Nearly two hundred yards of rope had spilled out before Randy signaled for Brad to stop.
“From the way the rope slacked up and the way it’s moving, I’d say Randy is walking on the cave floor right now.”
Without warning, a thunderous sound rose up from the crevices of the entire cave system. Rocks fell around us and we scrambled to avoid the stalactites that shook loose from the ceiling. Randy sent a frantic signal to be hauled up.
Despite facing a fusillade of stony daggers, everyone grabbed hold of the rope and pulled. Randy came up with such speed, his harness went all the way to the pulley. The earthquake stopped by the time he’d freed himself.
“What happened down there?” Brad asked.
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