My stomach churned at her still fresh first year teacher peppiness. She handed me the card that was adorned with a few doodles of what appeared to be bananas flying out of a box. Scattered around were dismembered stick figures with X’s for eyes.
“Oh my God!” I interrupted her discussion on the relationship between creative expression and empathy with my shock at seeing the grotesque artwork.
“What is it? I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Oh… Sorry, it was just unexpected. What exactly does this show? I mean, are those bananas flying through the air?”
“No, those are fingers, except for those two. Those are severed penises. Oh, and I think those over here are bratwurst. That tiny addition was little Carter’s contribution. Everyone heard how bad it was when the sausage plant exploded and your family’s car was caught in a giant fireball.”
I was trying with all of my might to keep from vomiting. “Okay, well, tell them how much I appreciate their consoling thoughts.”
I really wanted to ask her if she was secretly trying to groom the next generation of serial killers. I bit my tongue because more than wanting that question answered, I just wanted her to take her happy ass back to the classroom and leave me the hell alone. A sausage plant explosion was how my one tiny lie ended up? I supposed the gruesome details included a deluge of body parts and ground pork spattering the neighborhood. I imagined the surreal scene with empty sausage casings dangling from car antennas like so many discarded condoms.
I had no doubt, I had become the most recent fodder for discussion among my peers. I guess it must have been welcome. The other recent gossip included a middle school teacher’s husband, Ron. He taught history at the high school, but was forced to make an unexpected exit after the dressing down of his entire class. Apparently, a student questioned whether it was relevant to learn about the French revolution. He told the entire class they needed to learn it or become a generation of stupid assholes, just like their stupid asshole parents who lived in a town full of assholes, dipshits, and dumbasses. He then went on to recite a list of the worst assholes by name, which happened to include the entire school board. Now, the only time we saw him around school was when he was dropping off something for his wife. If you said hello, he only grumbled, “Asshole” and turned away.
In any case, a certain degree of mourning was appropriate. As insane as it may seem to some, any true fan of a good romance series will validate my grief. You really have a tremendous amount of emotional investment with the book boyfriend. Maybe more than you would with the real-life boyfriend. Let’s face it, when you are in the dating scene, you have a built-in level of expected disappointment. How many times have you heard it from your friends? You know, the “disclaimer.” Those usually start out with, “Well, at least he can hold down a job.” “Sure, he’s no Chris Hemsworth, but at least he doesn’t live in his parent’s basement.” And sometimes they get downright desperate. “Well, at least he didn’t have to blow into a tube to start his car.” The worse one I’ve heard someone say about their boyfriend was “you can barely notice the ankle monitoring bracelet.”
In the series you are reading, you have an immortal, consistent, and perfect lover. You don’t have to make excuses or apologize for him, like you would with the real-life boyfriend. The book boyfriend fills those empty spaces of your heart that most guys could never reach, and that’s just the emotional side of it. I don’t even want to mention the physical aspects.
Note from Melanie James
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About Melanie James
Melanie James, New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of the Literal Leigh Romance Diaries writes laugh-out-loud romantic comedies, steamy paranormal romances, and erotic contemporary romance books that will have you reaching for the ice. With over 25 books to choose from you are sure to find many additions to your romance library. Melanie is married to a wonderful man who supports her dreams and goals. She has two children, three step-children, a beautiful daughter-in-law, and an adorable grand-baby.
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eBooks by Melanie James
Visit Melanie’s website at: http://www.authormelaniejames.com for more information.
A Riverton Romance, A Contemporary Romance Series
1. A Valentine’s Surprise
2. A Deadly Obsession
Literal Leigh Romance Diaries, A Paranormal Romantic Comedy Series
1. Accidental Leigh
2. Serious Leigh
3. Hopeful Leigh
4. Haunting Leigh
5. Joyful Leigh
6. Disastrous Leigh
Karma Inc Files, A Paranormal Romantic Comedy Series
1. Karma Inc.
2. Mission Impawsible
Tales From the Paranormal Plantation, A Paranormal Romantic Comedy Series
1. Gertie’s Paranormal Plantation
Éveiller Drive, A Contemporary Erotic Romance Series
1. Ava & Will
2. Kara & Dave
3. Laura & Alan
4. Jamie & Brad
5. Ashley & Jeff
6. Valerie & Greg
Darkness, A Contemporary Romantic Suspense Series
1. Conjuring Darkness
Stand Alone Titles
Snowflakes, Exes & Ohs
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