by B C Yancey
She had the uncanny ability to turn his knees to pudding with a simple look and knew he could do the same to her. The emotion of their relationship—he wouldn't label it love until he possessed her heart the way she had his—was fireworks or dynamite.
He grinned at the thought. When he held Lillian in his arms and melded his mouth with hers in a thorough kiss, and she responded with equal enthusiasm, reminded him of the powerful boom of crashing thunder mixed with the sweet and lovely singing of birds in the early morning.
The feelings they shared in their marriage were far from what he would call 'soft.' Although there were plenty of moments that he'd appreciated her softness.
She'd been soft as goose down when she'd overcome the strange fear that had gripped her on their wedding night. She'd trusted him. It could still set his heart to jumping out of his chest when he remembered the kiss that had started it all that night.
"Can we begin again?" Lillian asked, holding his gaze as he watched her in the moonlight.
Swallowing, he searched her eyes before holding out his hand, "Sawyer Weston." He cleared his throat when his voice sounded husky with emotion, and continued, "Sure is nice to finally meet you."
Smiling, she grasped his hand tightly, "Lillian James Reid-"
"Weston," he interrupted.
Nodding, she pressed her lips to the back of his hand in a tender kiss. "Yes, Lillian Weston," she touched his cheek, "Maggie was my cousin, but when we were little, we were as close as sisters. I was saddened to hear of her passing, and so happy to see how much you love her babies." Her eyes caressed his handsome face as she apologized, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I know you have every right to hate me."
"I don't hate you, Lily," he pressed his lips together and breathed deeply. Keeping her hand tightly in his, he admitted, "I was angry, but I was angry at the fact you didn't trust me."
She studied his fingers as they played with her own. "Will you forgive me?"
He lifted her chin to look at him, "There's nothing to forgive, honey." A small smile bent his lips, "I just want you to be able to trust me enough to share things with me—important things that any husband should know about his wife. Will you try to trust me?" He brushed her hair behind her ear, "There isn't anything you ever need to be afraid of telling me."
‘TELL HIM,’ Her heart shouted, 'tell him about Walker and get it over with.’ She could still see Walker; smell him, some nights when she wasn't careful, she still felt him touching her. Like a Bogeyman in a dark corner, it threatened from the fringes of her mind, its ominous presence terrifying her.
"Do you remember Walker?" her traitorous mouth blurted out. Her eyes widened in horror as she realized what she had just said. She raised a hand to cover her lips as she willed her tongue to keep quiet.
Sawyer's eyes narrowed in confusion as he looked at her and said, "The outlaw? Yes..."
Lillian's heart pounded furiously against her ribs, and her stomach threatened to empty its contents as she continued haltingly, "Do you remember what I told you about what they did to the women?"
Craving distance, she stood, and in the next instant wanted his arms around her. She needed him so badly but feared just as strongly what he'd do when the words were allowed their freedom.
She prayed the floor would open up beneath her, preventing her from saying more.
Standing to face her, he took her by the hand and squeezed her fingers as he nodded.
When she remained silent, Sawyer interlocked their fingers and waited for her to speak further. Dread coiled in his stomach.
Lillian's lungs fought for air as panic began to take over and she stammered, "One night, one of the men had tried to—with me, but I lied to him. He told the rest of them." She closed her eyes, not wanting to see the repulsion in his eyes as she confessed, "Walker was the only—he didn't believe me."
Snippets of memory from all the many nights Walker had brutally used her, flashed before her. The terror and pain he'd caused—that she relived when she wasn't careful. She was exhausted from it, from struggling against it daily and wanted to make it end in any way she could.
She needed Sawyer to take her in his arms and wipe away the memories. She wanted him to replace every sullied and loathsome memory she possessed of those nights trapped in Walker's clutches. Replace them all with clean, blissful memories spent in Sawyer's arms, of him loving her. She wanted to tell him she loved him and hear him say he loved her in return. She wanted to be free at last, able to hold nothing back and give herself over to the miraculous joy that infused her every time he touched her.
Sawyer turned and looked out at the night sky, unable to bear looking at the fear in her eyes. He clenched his jaw infuriated at the thought of this faceless Walker. Oh, how he hated the man. So many things suddenly made sense.
He'd foolishly assumed her anxiety to be from her previous marriage, and perhaps, a part of it was. He had never considered the time she had spent in the company with the outlaws because he'd believed she'd been able to avoid their filthy desires.
He let go of her hand and began to pace, struggling to contain his wrath as it threatened to break free. His voice trembled with barely suppressed rage, "Beth shot him dead?"
Lillian watched him walk away from her and closed her eyes against the pain of her heart shattering. "Yes, Beth shot him," she whispered tearfully. This was it. The moment that she had dreaded all along had finally arrived.
When he spun around and smashed his fist into the wall behind him, she jumped and bit back a scream.
He let loose a thunderous curse, smashing his mighty fist into the nearest wall so forcefully the wood splintered. "That good for nothing!" he raged brokenly. Lost in a haze of fury, a string of curses punctuated each blow as he hammered the broken slats with knuckles that were soon bloody and throbbing.
When the wood fell to his feet, Sawyer roared and threw another furious punch at a sturdy beam. If only Beth hadn't shot Walker! He fumed. He wanted to kill him; he wanted to hunt the rotten, no-good, monster down and shoot him until the bullets ran out. And still, he wouldn't be finished serving his vengeance.
With chest heaving, he bent and picked up the nearest object, screaming as he threw a fifty-pound bale of hay to the other side of the loft. The twang of a pitchfork rang loudly in the sudden stillness as the thrown hay bale catapulted it from the loft to land on the floor below.
His ears rang with the mad pounding of his heart as he reached up and wiped at the wetness on his cheeks, surprised when he realized tears were streaming from his eyes. For several minutes, all he heard was the ringing in his ears until he noticed Lillian weeping at the opposite end of the loft.
"Lillian?" Sawyer rasped as he searched the darkness for her and wiped the moisture from his face.
Her hands covered her face as anguish wracked her body. She knelt where he'd left her, pleading, "Please, stop."
Sawyer rushed to her, sliding to his knees as he clutched her to him and pressed kisses to her tear-streaked cheeks, "Don't cry, darlin'. Please, don't cry."
Lillian wept against his shoulder, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before-" she grasped his neck tightly, "but please don't send me away!"
Holding her tightly, Sawyer maneuvered them into a sitting position on the floor and leaned against the wall as he pulled her onto his lap, "Why on earth would I do that?"
She pushed against his chest and stared at him, "You mean you don't want me to go away?"
He smoothed her hair off her wet cheeks and cradled her face, "You're not going anywhere!"
Lillian sputtered, "Even-even after...knowing that he-"
He answered her by taking her mouth in an intense, driven kiss, clasping her firmly against his body, aching for what she had lived through. He wanted to erase all the hurt that remained in her mind and soul from that evil man. He would prove to her that there was good in the world and that she was worth loving.
Lillian couldn't believe it. Sawyer wouldn't cast her aside as she had feared for
so long. Frantically she kissed him back, worried it was only a dream or a wicked deception. When he broke the kiss, she moaned in protest.
Trailing kisses along her jaw, he gentled his assault and raggedly breathed against her skin, "I love you, Lily...I love you so much."
Lillian grasped his face in her hands. Had she heard him correctly? Her chin quivered as tears spilled from her eyes, "You love me? Are you sure? You're not just saying that because I told y-"
He held a finger to her lips, silencing her and nodded. "I love you; there's no doubt about it." His hands trembled against her cheeks as he wiped away the tears, "More than I ever thought was possible to love someone," he tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, "I don't know what I would do if I lost you!"
Held transfixed by the emotion in his eyes, she repeated breathlessly, "You love me."
For the first time in her life, she heard those three words that not even her parents uttered while alive. She had often believed there must be something wrong with her. Why else would the people who had given her life refuse to say them? But, Sawyer had declared his love, even after her confession.
With his face in her hands, she leaned close and brushed her nose against his, "You don't want me to leave." Her eyes fluttered closed as she pressed her lips to his. With each gentle kiss Lillian placed to Sawyer's lips, she hoped her declaration of love would slip out and end her misery.
Slowly, his lips moved against hers, "Never." His hands fisted against her back, welcoming the pain as his abused knuckles protested the action. He wanted to capture her mouth with his, to ply her soft lips with all the passion that he'd kept carefully restrained the last few months. But, he waited, not wanting to alarm her.
Her fingers threaded through the hair at his temples and a low groan escaped his throat as she tipped his chin to gain better access to his mouth before whispering against his lips, "I love you too, Sawyer."
The fragile hold he had upon his self-control shattered. His hands were suddenly in her hair, holding her mouth captive as he seized her lips in a demanding kiss. Hungrily she responded, claiming his mouth as surely as he claimed hers.
Willing him to know the depth of her love for him, feeling the words themselves had been inadequate. She needed him to know they were not words she had uttered lightly but felt with every beat of her heart. "I love you."
Chapter eighteen
The holiday season arrived with another dumping of heavy snow, making slow progress for Freddie and Charlie's house repairs. They'd gone over a week ago and had seen that the damage had been far more extensive than they'd first believed.
They needed to replace the floor in the master bedroom and parlor below along with a new roof. The newly married couple seemed to take it all in stride, however, and spent many of their evenings with Sawyer and his family, enjoying meals and frivolities as often as they could.
Thanksgiving and Christmas passed in laughter and utter delight for Paul and Kitty who had not been able to celebrate the season for the past several years.
Lillian surprised the children with handmade gifts she lovingly made in secret. Kitty received a new rag doll with several changes of doll clothes and threw her little arms around Lillian's neck with such happy exuberance it had brought tears to Lillian's eyes.
For Paul, she'd struggled, wanting to give him something that would be fitting for a boy leaving childhood in just a few months. She decided upon making him and Sawyer matching shirts. His chest had puffed up with pride as he grinned at her and stated softly, "Now I can look like Pa."
Sawyer bought her a new dress she'd admired in a catalog on a trip into town, along with a new pair of boots. Charlie had given her a new pair of gloves and a hat to match the dress.
Unsure of what Charlie and Freddie would like, Lillian snooped through a box in Charlie's old room and found a picture of Freddie that used as a bookmark. Sawyer then supplied her with two other pictures, one of him and the other of Charlie he'd tucked away, explaining they'd all gone to have a photo taken when a photographer came to town several years ago.
Lillian found a silver locket and pocket watch in the catalog at the general store and placed the pictures in accordingly.
She was pleasantly surprised when Charlie gave her a tearful hug, claiming the gift was one the best she'd received. Freddie had kissed Lillian's cheek and hugged her, smiling when emotion had prohibited him from speaking.
Sitting next to Sawyer, Lillian anxiously
watched as he removed the brown wrapping paper to reveal several new shirts and at his request, a scarf. Grinning, he'd pulled her near for a fierce kiss, and laughed when Paul made gagging noises between his giggling. It had all been magical for her, and she was positive the children had felt the same.
Later that night, snow fell outside their window as Lillian tucked her body against Sawyer's side, comforted by the sound of his heart beating while his strong hands sleepily caressed her arms and back. Peaceful contentment enveloped them as they lay on the bed in their room surrounded by love, completely sated.
She was able to reflect upon it all and smile. They tucked the children in their bed, and now she was safely wrapped in the arms of the man she loved.
Placing a drowsy kiss to Sawyer's sleeping mouth, she knew it was only the beginning of good things to come and looked forward to the New Year and all the excitement it would bring them.
"Just put that over there, Lily," Charlie directed from the pile of crates stacked in the front room, before carrying a small pile of bed linens upstairs.
After numerous delays and issues over the past couple of months, the work on the house was complete. Charlie had threatened to use physical violence if needed to get the problems resolved on time and had been more than surprised when Freddie had told her they'd be able to move in within the week.
Lillian arrived early that morning to begin helping unpack all the crates the men had brought over yesterday.
Sawyer took Paul and Kitty to town to get a few necessary supplies for the cattle drive that was only two weeks away. Then they'd be over to take her home.
Smiling as she thought of Sawyer and the stargazing they'd done in the hayloft last night, she bit her bottom lip as her thoughts naturally drifted to what looking at the stars had led to. She glanced up as Charlie came back down the stairs, taking in the cluttered room before her with pride shining in her eyes. The side door opened and Freddie entered, a smile creasing his face as he caught sight of his wife.
He walked to Charlie, planted a solid kiss to her lips, and wrapped his arm around her waist, "You look as pleased as a cat with a bowl of cream."
"It's about time we're finally here. I'm ready to be out of that terrible hotel!" Charlie huffed, her hand on her hip as she glanced around the front room. "I swear if I had to hear Miss Myrtle snoring through the wall one more night, I'd strangle that woman."
Freddie grinned and picked up the nearest crate, "You tend to make some noises yourself that no doubt disrupt her slumber, my dear."
She blushed a furious shade of red, "I'm gonna paddle your fanny, Freddie!" When he passed her and blew a kiss while carrying the crate upstairs, she slapped his rear end.
Embarrassed, but unable to hide her grin, Charlie cleared her throat and began sorting through the items in the next crate.
"You better not be lifting anything, Charlie!" Freddie called down.
She straightened and shouted, "Stop your hollerin', you scoundrel! I'm not liftin'! I'm sortin'!" Shaking her head, she continued sorting through the crate as she muttered, "Dictating to me what I can, and can't do! I swear you'd think learning I'm carryin' was akin to declaring my arms no longer work!"
Lillian gasped, "You're expecting?"
Charlie nodded and smiled broadly, placing a hand to her still flat stomach, "Doc said it should be here late summer. Early fall at the latest."
Lillian hugged her close, "I'm so happy for you."
"Now you and Sawyer need to get crackin', so this one will have someone its
age to play with," she winked and turned back to her task.
Lillian blushed and forced a smile.
Several minutes later, Charlie scowled at the crate and said, "Shoot, I'll be right back. Freddie took the crate I need." She made her way up the stairs calling to him.
There was a pain in Lillian's chest as Charlie's words echoed around in her mind. They were going to have a baby, and as far as Lillian knew, she and Sawyer weren't ever going to be able to have one of their own. They'd been married over four months now, and every month she was still disappointed to find she wasn't pregnant.
She'd believed she and Richard had never conceived because he'd so rarely come to her bed. But, Sawyer certainly didn't share that problem. She blushed at the thought.
Especially after she'd finally told him everything, he'd shown her what it meant to be loved and cherished. Just thinking about it made her skin tingle and her heart race.
Lillian became so lost in her thoughts that she didn't hear Sawyer enter the house and came up behind her. "You got your mind in the barn again, darlin?" Sawyer whispered in her ear, nuzzling her neck.
Sighing, she turned and kissed him. Needing no further prompting, he wrapped her in his arms and pressed her to the wall, taking her mouth in a thorough kiss.
A few moments later, he reluctantly broke the kiss, smiling when she groaned and brought his lips back to hers for more.
"Don't worry, darlin, we'll pick up right where we leave off once we get home." He promised, kissing her one more time, "I've got Paul and Kitty waiting outside in the wagon, I just came in to let you know we were here," he mumbled against her lips.
"I didn't mean you should get crackin' at it in my parlor, Lily, goodness sakes alive!" Charlie giggled as she walked down the stairs with Freddie following behind her.
Lillian blushed and bit back a smile as she broke away from Sawyer.
He turned to his sister, "Get crackin' at what?"
"Lily didn't tell you? I'm expecting!" she gushed.