by Maegan Abel
As business savvy as Tish and Tony could be, neither of them wanted to handle all that. They wanted to tattoo. It had been their dream to open a shop but the everyday was wearing on both of them and I wanted to make it easier where I could. It seemed the least I could do.
"You busy?" Tony's voice pulled my attention from the screen and I glanced over, shaking my head. "Can we talk for a second in my office?"
"Give me five? I need to finish putting in this order," I said. It wasn't a complete lie, I really did need to get the order posted, but I also needed to steady myself before going in to talk to Tony. He nodded before walking away. He seemed nervous.
Tony was the only one outside of Tish and Paige who knew about my suicide attempt. I wasn't sure why I'd confided in him about it, but I had. I didn't necessarily regret it but when he looked at me the way he did just now, it made me wish he didn't know. I hated that look. It meant I was about to hear bad news and he was trying to figure out how to sugar coat it.
Finishing my order, I logged off the manager screen and headed back to his office. Steeling myself, I tapped my knuckles against the frame.
"Close the door," he said, watching me carefully as I entered. I did as he asked, working hard to keep my breathing even as the flutter in my stomach turned into a full on flip-flop. Baby was apparently as anxious as I was.
"How are you doing?" he asked as I took the seat across from him. I felt my brow furrow as my confusion took over.
"I'm a little nervous at the moment, but good," I answered honestly. Don't lie about your emotions. A lesson I learned and was working on every single day. Saying I was fine was a red flag for those who knew about what happened. I wasn't fine. I was good or I wasn't and needed to talk about it.
"Don't be nervous. Christ. I'm not going to yell at you. I just…heard about the date and wanted to make sure you were okay," he said. His arms were crossed, resting against the edge of his desk. He looked almost defensive.
The reminder stung and I knew he could see it on my face. "It's…" I caught myself before I said it was fine. It wasn't fine. "I'm good. I got to spend a whole night with Conner, so that's my positive right now. It sucks that he's moving on, but what did I expect? I knew he couldn't just sit around and wait for me to pick up the pieces of myself." I could see the uncomfortable expression on Tony's face now. "Do you really want to talk to me about this? Because we can stop. I'm good. I promise."
He leaned forward, seeming to study his hands intently for a long time before he spoke again. "Let me just ask you this, is he the only one moving on?"
My hand found the spot on my stomach where it felt like I'd just been sucker punched by the miniature ninja living in my uterus. Baby really didn't like it when I was feeling emotional. At all. "If you're asking if I'm seeing anyone or planning on it, the answer is no. I'm a little focused on growing a human life at the moment, and considering the topic of conversation on a date with me would be the number of times I have to piss in a day now or that it took me three tries to tie my shoes before I decided on flats this morning…" I trailed off, knowing I'd made my point.
"What if someone already knew all that?" he asked, looking up at me. Something in me cracked and I sighed, slumping down in the chair.
"You don't want to date me, Tony. I'm a hot fucking mess who doesn't know where the hell I'm going in life. Plus, my heart is still with him. I don't think that'll ever change," I whispered, feeling the hollowness starting to seep in as I thought about what I was saying.
My life, with or without the child growing inside me, would be incredibly lonely. It was sad to consider how easily guys were able to bounce back after having their hearts broken. It was also sad that they didn't have to worry about being judged for being on date while they were pregnant. But which was worse, the endless loneliness or leading on a great guy I'd never be able to love the way he deserved? Right here in front of me was a guy I knew would treat me well, who was kind, considerate, caring, and said he loved me deeply, yet I couldn't see past Zane.
"I'm sorry, Tony." It was barely audible, the pain lancing through my heart infinitely worse than that in my abdomen.
"Hey. No. Don't be," he said, trying to draw my attention. "I'm sorry. I know how you feel about him, but I had to try. I hate seeing you this way. I just want you to be happy."
"I'm working on happy. It's a long road but I can almost see it. It's just around the next turn," I said, plastering on a smile. It wasn't completely fake and it wasn't completely forced, but it was enough of both.
I stood, my stomach still in knots as I headed back out to the floor. I passed Kas and she stopped in the middle of talking to a client, her face concerned. She said something to me but I couldn't hear her over the blood rushing through my ears.
When had that started?
I could almost hear my heartbeat in the sound, or was that the baby's heartbeat? It seemed awfully fast either way. I needed something to calm my stomach. She was squirming, kicking, performing aerial ballet, and I felt a sharp pain before the bliss of nothingness.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Open
Zane
Dragging myself into the house, I was pleasantly surprised to see it in semi-darkness. That meant Conner was asleep. He hadn't slept well the last few nights since staying at Paige's and after the night I'd had at work, I wasn't sure my energy or patience would last long enough to get him down tonight.
"He went down pretty early," Tish whispered as I peeked in the bedroom. He was sleeping in his own bed again, but I still woke up—multiple times most nights—to make sure he was there.
"He was probably exhausted." My regret over letting him stay with Paige a few nights ago was apparent.
"Maybe that means something," Tish continued toward the living room, but I paused at the bathroom door. I needed to shower and fall into bed. If I went to sleep in the next half hour, I'd get about five hours before Conner was up again. But Tish's words nagged at me, so I followed him.
"What do you mean?" I asked, pausing in the doorway as he dropped into his recliner.
"I mean, maybe it's a sign that it's a little early for you to be dating," Tish said without a hint of remorse. I rolled my neck, attempting to diffuse a little of the anger before I responded. I hadn't talked to Tish about what Jackson had told me and I hadn't decided if or when I was going to, but it seemed like it was all going to come out tonight.
"Look, I appreciate the way you and everyone else have stepped up to help me with him, but you don't get to judge me or tell me how to live my life. I'm doing the best I can to put the pieces back together and I'm doing it on my own because it seems like everyone I thought I could depend on is hell bent on keeping the truth from me."
My words hung heavy and Tish spun the recliner so he could face me. The guilt was clear on his face but he just watched me, waiting for me to react further. Finally, I walked into the living room, placing myself on the couch in hopes of keeping some distance between us.
"Jackson told me everything," I finally said, not feeling nearly the relief I thought I would. "He told me about Adam. I just…I have no idea how you could've trusted him of all people. He'd tried to kill her. He almost killed me. Yet you could talk to him about where she was and how to rescue her while I was stuck here in the dark."
"It wasn't like that," Tish said, leaning forward to rub his hands over his face. "It wasn't like I wanted Adam to have anything to do with it. I wanted to strangle him, but it was his plan. He was the one with the connections that could lead us to her."
"His plan?" I asked, my anger finally tipping. "His plan was to leave her there so long the girl they rescued is an unrecognizable shell of the girl she used to be?"
"She's not," he said, his voice firm. "You think you were the only one worried about her? You think you were the only one who saw how much she was hurting? Well, you're not. You don't even know the half of it."
He had my attention and I sat forward, ready to stand and pace or move in some way. "You'
re right. I don't know the half of it because no one ever tells me anything. Everyone has this misguided notion that I can't handle whatever is going on, so I'm kept in the dark. Do you know how fucking frustrating it is to be the last person to know anything? I don't even know if she's been to a doctor or how far along she is in her pregnancy. I don't know if she's eating right or sleeping or if she's started smoking again. I don't know anything."
"Because you haven't asked. I haven't told you anything because you haven't asked me anything." Tish's voice was hard and I realized he was right. I'd convinced myself I didn't want to know because it would be easier that way, but now I was wondering if that had been the wrong choice.
"I know you've been keeping in touch with her and I know you would've told me if anything major happened," I said, the guilt I was feeling lasting only a moment as guilt crept onto his features as well. I thought about what I'd said. "You would tell me, wouldn't you? You wouldn't keep me in the dark if something serious was going on with her, would you?"
"I won't tell you anything unless you ask. That's the deal I made with her," he said. I groaned and leaned forward to tug at my hair as the sense of dread began seeping deeper into my bones.
Now I had questions. A lot of them. But I almost didn't want to ask.
"Is she okay?" I started there, knowing it was the most important.
"When I talked to her about an hour ago, she said she was good," he answered, keeping his voice even.
"But you don't believe her?" I made it into a question in hopes he would explain why.
"Not really, but she has someone with her to keep an eye on her tonight," he answered. The someone distracted me, but I did my best to stay on topic.
"Why isn't she okay?"
"Do you really want to know?"
"Yes," I answered, feeling defensive again.
"Because she found out you went out on a date with Brittany. She hasn't had any really bad days for a while but that set off a few." He was blunt and it cut to the core. I hadn't thought about her finding out about the date, but I guess I hadn't really considered her at all.
"What do you mean by 'really bad days’?" I asked, my voice a little less sure with every question.
"I told her I wouldn't tell you this, but…" He paused, taking a deep breath as he sat up to meet my eyes. "She tried to kill herself a while back." I could tell he saw my shock because he held up a hand like that would calm me down. "She got help and she's doing a lot better most days. When she was hospitalized, she asked me not to tell you and I agreed, but you're right, I have been keeping things from you and you deserve the truth. I'm not telling you that you can't date anyone else or you have to be with her. What I am saying is you both have a lot of healing to do. You should give yourself, and her, time before you do this."
I stared up at the ceiling, floating through a range of emotions from fury to compassion to guilt. There were details in this story I needed to know. Immediately.
"What happened? What did…is she really okay? The baby?"
"She didn't physically hurt herself. She tried to but she was stopped in time. The police were involved and she spent several days in a psychiatric hold voluntarily while she got help." He took a deep breath. "She's good. Baby's good. Actually, she's really popped over the last few weeks. Before she had a bump, but as little as she is, she's really starting to get uncomfortable."
"You've seen her recently?" I wasn't sure why that was the detail I decided to focus on. It was probably because I wasn't ready to deal with the emotional upheaval that would ultimately come when I considered the rest.
"She's the office manager at the shop. I see her almost every day."
I glanced up, staring at Tish. "It doesn't bother you to have her and Tony around?"
His brow furrowed and I realized he still didn't know. Kas must not have told him and Lili and Tony must be doing a good job keeping things quiet themselves. "What are you talking about?"
"Never mind," I said, shaking my head. It didn't matter. That wasn't the focus anyway. "She's really doing okay?"
He nodded. "I think the past few days have been rough on her but I don't think she's in any serious danger of another breakdown at the moment."
With a sigh, I shoved myself up from the couch. I was still feeling a wide range of emotions and I had questions I was desperate to ask, like how did she try to kill herself? What stopped her? Who else knew about it? How close had she come to succeeding? But it was all too much tonight.
"I'm going to shower and crash for a few hours," I said, heading toward the bathroom.
"We good?" he asked. I paused, turning to face him.
He'd kept a lot of shit from me, a lot of vital information that may have changed the last five or so months of my life. I was angry, which I'd been fighting for a while with him, but this just added to it. On the other hand, he'd broken Lili's trust by telling me what he did tonight, so that was something.
"We'll get there."
"You've been awfully quiet tonight," Brittany said, coming up beside me and leaning against the counter at the nurse’s station. I glanced over at her, meeting her concerned gaze. I knew it wasn't fair to her that I'd been so withdrawn, but I couldn't get Lili out of my head.
"Yeah, sorry. Just been a crappy few days," I admitted honestly. She leaned into my side. It wasn't inappropriate—it was the same borderline flirty behavior she'd had the last few weeks—but I tensed, again, thinking of Lili. Damn Tish for putting this shit in my head.
"Okay, what's going on?" she asked. Backing out of my personal space some, she searched my face.
"I'm just… I'm not really…" I trailed off as a few of the nurses walked by, one of them pausing in front of me.
"They're taking her up to fourteen now," she said, smiling at me. After a moment, her confused expression matched mine. "The pregnant girl. You aren't here for her?"
My heart dropped. "Lili? What happened to her?" My mind was blowing through every worst-case scenario.
"I'm sorry. You just… She was with you the whole time you were here and I thought…" The nurse looked flustered and I recognized her as one of the nurses that had come by to check on me when I was here for so long. My injury and the story of the girl who all but handcuffed herself to my bed was hospital gossip.
Not waiting for her to clarify further, I bolted for the elevators. I heard Brittany call my name, but I didn't slow down. I punched the button repeatedly, like that would make the damn thing move faster. Lili was here, in the building, being admitted. Something was wrong.
When the elevator doors finally opened on fourteen, I rushed to the nurse’s station to ask for her room number.
"Zane." Kas' voice caught my attention and I turned toward the end of the hallway. I jogged forward, my heart hammering at the concerned look on her face.
"What happened?"
"She collapsed. We don't know anything solid yet, but her blood pressure was dangerously high. We're just waiting now," she said, and I slumped against the wall.
"Did they stabilize her?" I asked, knowing the obvious answer was yes or they wouldn't have moved her from the ER.
"She's not in any immediate danger but her blood pressure is still a little high. I don't know anything else yet. They just brought her up and settled her into her room. We'll know more soon."
"Is she alone?" The question was loaded with all the jealousy I felt and the disdain for being banished out here to the hallway instead of being able to be with her to hear the results of any testing. That was my baby she was carrying, not Tony's. I should be the one with her.
"Nikki just got here and is in with her now. She asked all of us to give her a little room to breathe," Kas said and I turned, my eyes landing on Tony in the waiting area, studiously ignoring us.
"Where's Tish?" I asked, surprised he wasn't here.
"He had to stay at the shop. We still had clients in the building," she answered, pulling out her phone.
"What, he couldn't stay behind?" I asked, making s
ure the absolute loathing in my voice registered loud and clear. Kas glanced at Tony and back to me.
"He'd been the one talking to her right before she collapsed. He was worried and he felt responsible, so he wanted to be here." She gave me a hard look. "And he's still Tish's business partner so if you're going to be here, you need to pull your head out of your ass and learn to deal with him."
"What, did you piss her off?" I asked, raising my voice as I ignored Kas completely and headed down the hall toward Tony. "Get her all worked up and raise her blood pressure? What the fuck?"
Tony was a big guy. Smaller than Tish, but equal to me easily. I might have a few inches on him, but he definitely had the rougher edges, the kind of rougher edges used as a weapon in a fight. He stood as I approached, not in an intimidating way but in an almost defensive one, like he wasn't about to let me catch him off guard.
"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."
"Don't I? You were the one talking to her and Kas said her blood pressure skyrocketed. Lili doesn't have blood pressure issues so something must've happened."
"How would you know?" he said coolly. His eyes were dark, the menace in his stance a clear invitation to start something with him. "You don't know the first thing about what's been normal for her while she's been pregnant. You haven't even been around."
Oh, he was goading me and I knew it, but I was so taking the bait today—hook, line, and sinker. I was going in.
"Don't act like you haven't been enjoying my absence, playing house with my family. No matter how hard you try to spin it, you can't change that I'm the father of that baby."
"It takes more than a sperm deposit to make a father. I would've thought you of all people would know that," he said, smirking as I clenched my hands into fists.
"You really don't want to start with me. A guy who sleeps with his best friend’s younger sister and carries on an affair for years behind the best friend’s back is nothing more than a pathetic coward. You really want to start airing dirty laundry with me? ‘Cause I'm pretty sure the current foul stench is coming from your pile."