by Maegan Abel
"I'm thinking…" she started, but paused, taking a deep breath. “There was a girl I met when I was kidnapped…she's the only reason I'm alive." She finally looked over at me and I tried to keep the pain from my face, wanting her to open up to me. "The injury to my back, when it first happened, I…I couldn't walk. I couldn't move my legs at all without horrible pain. I was as good as dead and I knew it." She was talking quickly and I struggled to keep my face even as I listened. "I mean, if they would've shot me in that desert, it would've been worth it because I'd gotten Conner out. I'd made my peace with you by sending the note with Conner. I'd accepted it in that mo-ment." Her voice faltered on the last word as I lowered my head, breaking our eye contact and taking a second to regain my bearings.
I lifted my head again, swallowing. "Keep going." She hesitated and I stood, taking her free hand in both of mine. "Please."
"We watched them kill another girl for running and when they pulled us out of the van and realized I couldn't stand, I knew it was over." She exhaled slowly, obviously trying to keep herself calm. "She risked her life to tell them it was possibly temporary. She bargained with them, talked them into keeping me around to at least see since they'd already killed the other girl." She blinked, allowing the tears to fall onto her cheeks. "The day I escaped, there was a raid on the club we were working in. I yelled for her and she came out of her room to look for me. I watched her take a bullet to the head." Her voice was completely deadpan, her face expressionless as she spoke. The only sign of pain came from the steady stream of tears.
I pulled her hand, still clasped in mine, to my lips. There wasn't a single thing I could say to make the hell she'd endured any easier, but I would do everything in my power to let her know I was here for her.
"If I'm keeping her, I want to name her Emma." Her breath hitched on the way in and I nodded, both in understanding of her decision and in absolute agreement.
"I can't think of anyone better to honor than the reason my girls survived," I said, my voice rough. I knew it was a shot in the dark at this point. Lili and I weren't together and she was currently withdrawn emotionally from the story she'd told. I worried for a moment that seemed to expand and fill the room as it stretched.
Finally, just as I was about to beg her to speak and put me out of my misery, the small smile returned, this time in the form of a grateful, slightly-relieved sort of look. It didn't matter. She was smiling.
It hadn't taken long for Lili to fall asleep. I'd spent most of the night just watching her, realizing there was no way I'd ever be able to survive losing her again. I had to try, had to give everything I was to her. She was too much a part of me.
The newest part of me was evident now, even under the blanket. I spent a lot of time watching Lili's stomach rise and fall with her breathing, thinking about the child growing inside her. My daughter.
I didn't deserve this chance again, but fuck if I wasn't going to take it like the selfish bastard I was. But this time, I'd do better. I'd really screwed things up with Lili and Conner over the last year or so, and I was determined to right it. Maybe this new little life was my chance at redemption.
"You can feel her." Lili's soft voice startled me and I lifted my head from the bed, realizing I'd completely missed her waking up. "I mean, if you want to."
I sat up, rubbing my hands along my now wrinkled uniform pants in an attempt to calm myself a little. Feeling this nervous at the thought of touching her stomach, of possibly connecting with this child—my child—was ridiculous. Leaning in, I reached out and rested both of my palms lightly against her. It was real to me before, though distant, but that was nothing like how it felt now.
"I can't believe she's being so still," Lili whispered after several long minutes. "She's usually like a little ninja in there."
"Maybe she'll be a gymnast like her mommy. Or a dancer," I said, copying her soft tone. Lili's light laugh was followed by a small nudge against my hand and we both gasped in surprise.
Thinking my heart could possibly contain any more love was insane, but in that moment with Lili, feeling our daughter moving inside her, another piece of it seemed to grow. My love for my son didn't diminish, Conner was still my heart, but this new life was just as important to me. And so was the beautiful woman carrying her.
I knew my eyes were betraying my every emotion and I didn't even attempt to hide them. I looked up at Lili, leaning my head in to kiss her stomach before standing to kiss her forehead. "You have no idea how in love with you I am."
She sniffed, reaching up to brush a few stray tears away as she smiled. "I've got a pretty good idea." The words slammed into me and instead of feeling unworthy of them or the emotion behind them, I let myself feel them. I allowed myself, for once, to accept the love this beautiful girl was offering me.
"You will always own every piece of my heart," I said, putting my face close to hers.
"You have mine, too. Always." She sniffled and I didn't pause to give either of us a chance to think.
I sealed our declaration between our lips, bleeding every bit of the promise into her.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Talk it out
Lili
"So, what does this mean?" Nikki asked, sitting cross-legged on the side of the hospital bed, facing me.
Zane wouldn't leave to get sleep before his shift unless someone was with me, so he called Paige. She had class but sent Nikki and they were swapping out after Paige's class ended. Of course, Zane calling them made it obvious that he'd been up here, so I'd tried as discreetly as possible to tell Nikki what I knew.
"It means… I don't know, honestly."
"Yeah, but, he said you wouldn't be alone raising the baby. Does that mean he wants you back or…?" she trailed off at the look on my face.
"He said he was in love with me," I said, without really meaning to share that with anyone. I was second-guessing myself, though, now that he was no longer in the room. It was uncomfortable.
"He did?" she asked, her eyes lighting up. "This is good! This is really good." She clapped her hands together excitedly, but I squirmed, tired of being stuck in this bed.
"I don't…" Blowing out a breath, I forced myself to voice my fears. "How do I know he means it this time? How am I supposed to…I don't know how to…" I groaned and rubbed my face, realizing I didn't even know what I wanted to ask.
"You have to have faith in him. In what the two of you have," a voice said and I turned, surprised to find a woman standing in the doorway, her hands clasped in front of her. It took me a moment to place her but as she stepped into the room, her voice and movement registered with the memory of my return. She was Zane's new partner. Had he even told me her name?
Brittany. The reminder was as foul as the imagines I'd conjured up of their date a few days ago.
I opened my mouth to speak, several smartass comments about her presence sitting right on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't make myself do it. That nagging voice in my head had me doubting I would end up winning the upper hand. What if I made some snide remark and he ended up choosing her?
The thoughts tore at me, shredding through my confidence in just the few seconds of silence that lapsed before Nikki took control.
"Excuse you?" she smarted off, sliding from the bed and moving toward the door. "You have some serious balls showing up here."
Brittany looked Nikki up and down for a second before essentially blowing her off, her attention focused on me once again. "I came here to talk to you."
"Why?" I asked, not sure what made me decide that was what I wanted to say.
Her eyes darted to Nikki and back, but I knew Nikki wasn't leaving. Finally, Brittany sighed, giving up as she realized the same. "Because it seems someone needs to make sure the two of you get out of your own way enough to finally find your happiness." She shifted a little uncomfortably under what I could only guess was a part skeptical and part snarling expression from me. But it couldn't exactly be helped. "What? You think I don't see it? The whole worl
d can see it. The connection between the two of you is obvious. And it's beautiful. The way he loves you—that all-consuming kind of love—is something most of us only dream about. You have it right in front of you."
I settled back against the pillows as I considered her words. "How do you know?"
"I think the better question is how do you not know?" She toyed with the end of her long ponytail, but not in an annoying way. It was a nervous habit and it thawed me a little further. My tongue went to where my lip ring had been, my own nerves starting to show.
"Don't act like you know the shit they've been through together," Nikki said, still in protective best friend mode. I almost smiled.
"I know more than you think," Brittany responded and my face dropped. He'd been talking to her. Of course he had. Why wouldn't he? Tears burned my eyes and I fought the urge to shut it off completely and allow Nine to handle the breakdown. I couldn’t do that anymore. It wasn’t healthy. "Look, I'm not going to lie to you. He talked to me. He talked to me a little before you came back but even more once you two split up. He needed someone to hear him, to be on his side. His family, all your friends, they were all biased and that wasn't fair to him."
Keeping my chin up when the first tear hit my cheek was harder than I ever imagined. "And you jumped at the opportunity, I'm sure." I'd said it in a flat tone but the spitefulness behind it was still apparent. It seemed I wasn't fully able to keep Nine from making her presence known.
"Honestly, yes." She sighed, glancing down at her feet before lifting her head again to meet my eyes. "I care about him. A lot. I saw a man with a compassionate heart who loved deeply and I wanted that. I hoped, in a completely selfish move, you wouldn't find your way back to each other."
The though alone was enough to make me wince. I'd been without him for so long. "We're not there yet," I admitted. It was the truth. If she made Zane happy, which she clearly did if he talked to her about everything he was feeling when he couldn't bring himself to talk to me… And that thought brought it all together. Brittany was his Tony. He cared about her, he was close to her, he could open up to her, but she wasn't me. The thought brought both relief and fear. Had he slept with her on their date?
"You will be. Now that he has you back, now that he's found his way back in, I don't doubt for a second he won't let you go again. You're it for him." Her voice was resigned and I saw the glassy look in her eyes before she glanced back to the door. "I need to go, but…" she looked back at me, her brow scrunched, "he loves you in a way that's completely unexplainable. There aren't words for it. Hold on tight. You two are going to make it. Okay?"
I couldn't find my voice but I managed a small nod before she hurried from the room. Nikki was just as shocked as I was as we sat in silence, listening to the sound of voices drifting in from the hallway.
Haziness filled my eyes as I blinked into semi-darkness. My heart hammered as I tried to think beyond the flashing remnants of memory, but I couldn't seem to find a handle on what was happening. My hands trembled as I scanned the unfamiliar room, searching for anything to ground myself.
When my eyes landed on the closed door, my panic hit a boiling point. I scrambled, feet and arms tangling as something held me in place. There was a sound, something horrifying that wouldn't stop. I yanked at whatever had ahold of my arms, desperately trying to cover my ears to make it stop.
Voices. I could hear yelling and my throat ached as I heaved in oxygen. The ear-piercing sound had stopped, replaced by a vaguely familiar and annoying beeping. My eyes flashed wildly, seeing nothing but faces. Too close. They were all too close.
"Pixie, look at me."
That voice.
His voice.
I turned my head, my eyes finally focusing on the face that went with the voice.
He was here.
I tried to reach for him, but there was pressure on my shoulders. And the sound. That sound was so unnerving.
"Shut off the alarm. On the monitor. For fuck sake." He left my field of vision and I flailed, the panicked sound from earlier taking up where the beeping stopped. I realized, somewhat distantly, that the sound was coming from me. "Lili, it's okay." He was back, reaching past the arms between us to put his hands on my cheeks. He held my face in place as the movement continued around us.
Someone else was talking. I tried to turn my head but he held me firm, eyes locked on mine. "No. Focus on me, Lili." His fingers rubbed softly along my cheeks. "Just look at me. It's okay."
"Zane?" My throat was raw, burning almost to my ears. I gasped as something pressed against the inside of my arm, pain radiating from the spot. My eyes lowered but just caught a glimpse of dark blood staining the pristine white sheet of the bed before the hands on my face turned it the other direction. He scrambled around a few people but I kept my gaze on his until he had me turned away from whatever was going on.
"Deep breath, Pixie," he commanded gently, and I complied. It felt shaky and the weight around me seemed to be releasing some. My mind cleared as I followed him again, taking another breath. His eyes skipped briefly from mine to something behind my head and then returned. "Good. That's good."
"Wh—” I stopped and shook my head, unsure what exactly my question was. The pieces were falling into place now as I watched his worried eyes scan my features. "I'm okay."
He nodded, leaning down to press a kiss to my forehead, his fingers not relaxing the grip on my face. I heard talk of a suture kit and tried again to turn my head toward my other side.
"Stop. Let them work."
"What happened? Is it bad?" I asked, trying to keep hold of my calm.
"You ripped your IV. Did a pretty good job of it, too. There's a lot of blood, but you're okay." His grip relaxed as I let my head fall against the pillow, no longer fighting.
"I need to put in a new IV on this side," a voice said, but I didn't even look. After a moment, Zane released my face, leaving a hand on my shoulder as he turned to face her.
"She has weak veins in this hand, but a usable one on the middle of her forearm." He lifted my hand, turning it over. I didn't look at where he was pointing. Instead, I watched his face. He knew me, knew everything about me, and he was prepared to take care of me. He'd said as much yesterday. Or was it two days ago? I couldn't even care enough to wonder what time it was.
"I love you," I said, my mind immediately going straight to the time he was in this same hospital and I said those words to him for the very first time.
His eyes immediately found mine, and he leaned down, putting his face close as he nudged my nose with his. "I love you too, beautiful."
I gasped, closing my eyes as the pain caught up to me. I could feel Zane's anxiety as his fingers came up, lightly tracing my features, loosening the tension in my face as he whispered to me softly. It didn't take as long as I would've thought, or maybe I really did lose myself in Zane's words and presence, but either way, the room started to clear.
A set of nurses came in and Zane carefully helped me to my feet while they quickly and efficiently changed the sheets on the bed. I saw the red stain, much larger than I would've thought, and worried for a moment that I'd done serious damage.
"Hey," he said, softly drawing my attention to him as I settled back against the pillow. "All okay now, right?"
I nodded slowly. It wasn't a lie if I didn't speak, was it? Probably. It wasn't any different than saying I was fine when I wasn't. I stopped and shook my head, not panicking again, but letting him know I wasn't completely okay yet.
"Will you talk to me about it?" he asked, cautious. I nodded and carefully scooted over in the bed away from him. "I don't want to—"
"Shut up and come here. Please? I need you," I said, my voice still rough and my throat raw. I'd either been screaming a lot louder or a lot longer than I thought. Or maybe both. He climbed in, kicking his shoes to the floor before laying perfectly still, allowing me to maneuver myself carefully into his side as much as I could.
"I don't know what happened," I finally admit
ted, my eyes scanning the room. They landed on the closed door and I sat up. "The door. The door is…can you open the door some, please?" The monitor behind me started to speed and Zane didn't hesitate, sliding out of the bed with ease and propping the door open a foot. It was noisier in the room with the sounds from the hallway not muted by the wood, but I immediately felt like I could breathe.
When he climbed back in, I settled into his side again. "They locked me in the room." He didn't react because it was obvious. "That's what they did when they were about to kill you. They locked you in the room and you just had to sit there and wait for it."
It hurt to talk about, I felt like someone was squeezing my lungs at points. But, it needed to be said and this time, it needed to be said to him.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Fearless
Zane
It was hours later when Lili finally drifted back into a now peaceful sleep. We hadn't talked about everything but the important parts were out. I watched her, brushing the stray black curls away from her face as I spent time examining the scars that would forever be a part of her now.
I didn't need help feeling guilt. It was something I knew well. But knowing the details of her time away, it was impossible not to feel like the giant asshole I knew myself to be. I'd asked for a paternity test. I'd pushed her away because of what I'd heard about her and Tony. But I'd never given her the chance to explain.
But, at the same time, she'd never given me the opportunity either. She'd jumped to judge what she saw in an article about Kaitlyn and I without letting me explain. Not that I deserved that chance, but now that everything was in the open, we both knew one thing for fact: we had both been hurting.
When all was said and done, with the worst moments of our lives out there raw again, she'd declared as much. And she was right.