by Beth Reekles
“Please, Noah. Just tell me the truth.”
All I got was silence.
Then, he sucked his teeth, took a breath…and kept saying nothing.
I watched him. The way his shoulders sagged, the torn expression on his face, the fact that whatever the hell was going on, he couldn’t talk to me about it—wouldn’t talk to me about it. The longer I waited, the worse it got. My mind raced, picturing them in compromising positions, imagining them laughing together, cozied up in some cute little coffee shop or on the quad or in his dorm, or…
My whole body felt weak, and my head felt heavy. Noah closed his eyes, refusing to look at me.
And suddenly the rift between us wasn’t just a small crack we could patch up with a surprise visit home or more video calls. It was a chasm so deep and so wide I didn’t even know who I was looking at right now. This new, mature Noah, who refused to talk to me and kept secrets from me was a stranger, and everything I’d been worried about since he’d left for college.
I heard the next words come out of my mouth as if somebody else were talking. My voice was dead, flat.
“I don’t think that this is working out.”
I counted four heartbeats of silence. Noah was holding his breath—I knew, because I was, too, and it was so silent between us that I should’ve been able to hear him breathing. All the tension, the anger, even the pleading had drained from his face, leaving his complexion ashen. I couldn’t look him in the eye, so I focused on the frayed hems of his jeans and where a loose thread brushed his bare foot instead.
“What?”
He sounded like he was being strangled. I winced.
“I can’t do this any longer.”
“Do what?”
“This. Us. I can’t do it. I hate being away from you all the time. And I hate knowing that you’re at college with all these other girls, smarter, prettier girls, who are probably throwing themselves at you, and I…I just…”
“You don’t trust me,” he filled in, every syllable carefully controlled.
“I want to trust you,” I tried to explain, my voice breaking. “But if you can’t tell me the truth about whatever’s going on…What kind of relationship is this? It’s…I can’t deal with it anymore. And…and neither of us should…should be tied down to something that’s just dead weight.”
“So, what…what are you saying?”
I drew in a breath to try and steady myself, and dragged my eyes up to meet his, trying to ignore the fact that they were glistening and that his face was utterly disconsolate (another SAT word of Lee’s).
Lee. Shit. How was Lee going to take this when he found out? How would I even tell him? Would Noah tell him first? Would Lee have to take sides? Would I make him do that, after everything I put him through by lying to him when I first got together with Noah?
“Elle?”
I couldn’t keep doing this. It hurt too much.
“I’m saying that this isn’t working out. And we…we should break up.”
This time, I counted three heartbeats of silence.
“Don’t do this, Elle,” he whispered.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
“I…I just…can’t…right now, okay? It’s…complicated.”
I shook my head. It wasn’t the right answer. It wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t enough to keep the tears out of my eyes.
“We can fix this. Elle. Please.”
“No, Noah, I don’t think we can; otherwise you’d talk to me about something like this.”
He strode around the bed toward me and I moved back. If he held me right now, I’d want to forget about it, I’d want to forgive him, and I knew that was the wrong thing.
I fixed my eyes back on his feet, watching the way he shifted his weight from one foot to the other, before pressing down his toes firmly as he stood up straighter.
What other choice did I have? This was getting to be too painful—and better I got out now before he realized there were girls at college much more worth his time than me. Right? He was clearly moving on with his life, and I was just one more string tying him down to his old life he didn’t need—or want—anymore. And from the sound of things, he already had something going on with that girl.
And whatever was going on, he obviously didn’t trust me enough to tell me.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured.
And something inside me shattered.
My breath caught in my throat and if I thought this was painful before, it was nothing compared to the sharp ache that spread through me now, the needles pressing into my skin and making me feel numb on the outside.
And now, when I was prepared to fight more tears down before getting out of here, none came. I simply stood there, my jaw a little slack, and my limbs too numb and leaden to run away.
Neither of us moved for a moment.
Until I couldn’t bear to look at him any longer.
“I should get going,” I mumbled, picking up my sweater and purse from the bed, throwing in the book I’d been reading earlier that I’d left on the nightstand, and my cell phone. I ducked my head as low as I could, my hair acting as a curtain to block out Noah.
He made no move to follow me out, even just to walk me to the door.
I hesitated in his doorway, though. Should I say something? Even just a goodbye? A “see you ’round”?
My mouth hung open for a few seconds, and I stole a glance over my shoulder. Noah had turned his back to me now, and I could see the muscles pulled taut in his back and arms, wrought with tension. His hands balled into fists for a second before hanging limp at his sides.
So I left, without saying anything.
It was only when I got in my car that the finality of what I’d just done hit me.
We’d broken up. I’d broken up with him. Everything outside blurred. I automatically put the wipers on, only to realize that I was crying, and it wasn’t rain. I didn’t want to risk Noah seeing me sitting in my car bawling my eyes out, so I threw the car into gear and tore down the drive with jerky movements as I fumbled with the clutch. I was trembling all over, so I punched the heat on, but it didn’t do any good.
I was crying too much and too hard to concentrate on driving, even just the short distance home, so I turned down the nearest side street and stalled to a stop, killing the engine. I collapsed forward onto the steering wheel and let loose the tears.
Chapter 13
I called Lee.
I knew he was at Rachel’s and I knew this was their big romantic evening in, and he’d told me about how excited he was about it, so I hesitated when my best friend’s number was up on my cell phone screen. I could barely see it from crying so hard. It would be so selfish to interrupt their night together, I knew that.
I clicked dial.
It went to voice mail, and by that point, I was a mess—I’d used up the entire mini packet of Kleenex I kept in my car for emergencies, and the ones in my purse, and I was snotty and tearful and so distraught it was hard to breathe properly. I kept taking these huge, gasping breaths like I was drowning.
What the hell had I just done?
I could’ve called Levi. He and I were good friends now, and I knew he’d be there for me. He’d understand, too—he’d had a rough breakup with his previous girlfriend, Julie. I should call Levi, I told myself, and leave Lee be.
But much as I liked Levi, it was Lee I needed right now. My best friend.
Before I could tell myself to leave my best friend to have his night in with his girlfriend, I was already calling him again.
This time, he picked up on the first ring.
“I’m kind of in the middle of something here, Shelly. What’s up?” Lee’s voice was hushed and testy, but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to feel bad for disturbing him.
I sniffled, and before I could decide how to start this
, he realized I was crying.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice gentle now. “Elle? Talk to me.”
“I…I b-b-broke up with…” I hiccupped. “With N-Noah.”
“What?”
“I b-broke up w-with him.” I sniffed, wiping the back of my hand across my cheek. “I’m sorry to spoil your evening because I know how important this is to you guys, but I just…I needed to talk to you, that’s all. Just spare me ten minutes, and then you can get back to wining and dining Rachel. Please.”
“I’ll do more than give you ten minutes,” he said. “You guys really broke up?”
“Oh, God, Lee…I don’t…” I don’t know what I’ve done.
“Where are you?”
“In my car. I’m…I’m sorry, Lee. I know I shouldn’t have called but I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Don’t apologize.” Lee’s voice was soft, calming. “Where are you, exactly?” I looked around, blinking away some tears enough to read out the street name on the nearby sign. “Okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
Shit, I didn’t expect him to leave Rachel. I mean, I should’ve guessed he would, but all I needed was to talk to him, for him to comfort me. I didn’t intend for him to bail on Rachel, especially tonight.
“No…it’s…honestly, please, don’t…”
My protests were futile; from the sound of it, he’d taken the cell phone away from his ear, but I could hear him talking, even if his voice was a bit distant. There was rustling, like fabric.
“I’m sorry, Rach, I have to go.”
“What? What’s happened?” Rachel’s voice was faint, but I could still make out every word she said. And from the tone of her voice, she didn’t sound remotely happy that their evening together was disrupted.
“Elle needs me. I’m sorry. I’ll be back soon, I promise. I can’t just leave her. I swear, I won’t be too long. Maybe an hour or two. I’m sorry.”
“What do you mean? You’re leaving?”
“Well, yeah, I…I have to go. She’s my best friend.”
“Lee, we’ve been waiting for tonight for weeks, and we just…And now you’re just going to walk out on me?”
“I’m not walking out on you.” I heard the strain in his voice as he tried to keep it calm and cool and collected. It made me wince. “I told you—I’ll be back soon. I know this isn’t exactly…ideal…she’s in her car, upset, and she needs me. She’s crying, Rach. I’m not leaving her like that.”
“No, but you’re leaving me.” I’d never heard Rachel so snappy and blunt before. It made my stomach twist with guilt.
Lee didn’t try to deny it: “She’s my best friend, Rachel.”
“And I’m your girlfriend!”
“You knew exactly what kind of relationship I had with Elle when we got together. She’s a huge part of my life. Always has been. You knew all of that. And I’ve been neglecting her for months since I got together with you—”
“Are you seriously blaming me for the two of you drifting apart?” Her voice was getting borderline angry now. I cringed, hating myself. I shouldn’t have called him.
“No! Did I say that? No. I just meant, I’ve been putting you first for a long time, but right now, I need to put Elle first. I’m sorry if you can’t respect that, but—”
“Respect that? Lee, we just had sex, and now you’re running off to be with another girl! I know you guys are close, but this is just…Whatever you say, she’s always going to come first, and I…I don’t know if I can…”
Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. I definitely should not have called.
Way to go, Elle, wrecking two relationships in one night!
Lee sighed tersely. “Rach, can we please not do this right now? Okay? I’m not going to leave her when she’s this upset. I love you, but this is my best friend we’re talking about. I’m sorry.”
I was sure that Lee had forgotten I was still on the line, or maybe he thought he’d hung up on me, because, from the rustling noises, it sounded like he’d put the cell phone in his pocket.
But I did hear, very clearly, Rachel crying, “Lee Flynn, don’t you dare!” and then the slamming of a car door. At that point, I punched the button to hang up, dropping my cell phone into my lap.
There was a thunderclap overhead, and it started to rain, hard and heavy.
Talk about pathetic fallacy, I thought dryly, choking out a laugh.
And I began to bawl even harder.
* * *
• • •
There was a rap on my window, and I jumped. For a moment, I thought it was Noah and he’d come to try and talk things through because he wasn’t going to let me go so easily after all.
But as my eyes focused on the figure outside the window, I realized that it was Lee, not Noah, outside my car. I couldn’t help it when my heart sank a little, any notion of a romantic declaration, Noah telling me what was going on, us fixing things, gone.
Lee had his arms hugged around himself, and he was bouncing on the balls of his feet, collar turned up against the rain. Not that it helped. He was already drenched.
I swept the used, snotty Kleenex off the passenger seat onto the floor and climbed over, letting Lee take the driver’s seat.
The first thing he did was lean in and hug me tight for a long time, letting me cry into his fancy black shirt and wrap my arms around his waist, underneath his coat. He didn’t ask how I was or what had happened. He just hugged me and stroked my hair. He was wet all over, and it seeped into my own clothes, making them damp, but I didn’t care. This was exactly what the breakup doctor ordered.
Maybe five or ten or twenty minutes later, I’d calmed down enough to talk.
“I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have called you. I…I should’ve just gone home or called Dixon or Levi or something. I didn’t mean to make you and Rachel fight.”
Lee winced. “You heard that, huh?”
“You forgot to hang up. I thought you were coming back on the line to talk.”
“How much did you hear?”
I shifted my weight, pulling out of the hug to lean back in my seat, and grimaced. Lee just nodded with a grim sort of look on his face.
I opened my mouth to apologize again—one breakup was more than enough for one night, and Lee didn’t need to deal with my relationship troubles as well as his own. I’d been totally selfish to call him. But he clamped a hand over my mouth before I could utter so much as a syllable.
“Don’t. I’m not going to leave you sobbing in your car after a breakup and just console you for a couple of minutes over the phone.”
“You did just have sex with Rachel and then run out on her.”
He winced, running a hand through his hair. “Yeah…but she’ll understand. You needed me. If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be here, Shelly. Listen, how about this: I’ll drive, go get us some ice cream, and we’ll go back to your place. Watch some movies. Mean Girls or something. Huh? How about that?”
I could only nod and sniffle. Lee dug around in his pockets before starting the engine to hand me a crumpled (and he swore unused) tissue.
I stayed in the car when he got to the store, and when he came back, he thrust a plastic bag with two large tubs of Ben & Jerry’s, marshmallows, some nail polish, a couple of sheet masks, and a large box of extra-soft Kleenex.
“What’s all this for?”
He just smiled brightly at me. “Shelly, over the years, you’ve made me watch enough chick flicks to know exactly what to do when someone goes through a bad breakup.”
“I think you’re confusing a breakup with a slumber party.”
He just laughed.
* * *
• • •
The house was empty.
“Hello?” Lee called as I poked my head around the living room door and then into the kitch
en.
“Nobody’s home,” I said, stating the obvious.
“Huh. Where’d they go?”
I shrugged. “I guess they’re out somewhere.” It wasn’t that late yet. Maybe they’d gone to see a movie, or they were at the mall, or Brad was over at a friend’s and my dad had gone to pick him up. Lee brushed past me into the kitchen and dug a bag of popcorn out of the back of a cupboard, pouring it into a huge bowl and setting it in the microwave.
I stood there, clutching my bag of slumber-party/breakup goodies, and watched Lee set out a tray with some empty bowls ready for ice cream with two spoons, make two mugs of coffee, pour two glasses of water, and then retrieve the popcorn, hot and delicious and ready to be eaten.
He picked up the tray, the spoons rattling against the mugs as they were displaced. “C’mon. Upstairs.”
I led the way, pushing open my bedroom door and holding it open for Lee. He set the tray on my desk and took the bag from me. I stood there again, watching as he spooned out huge helpings of ice cream, set up Netflix with the first Bridget Jones movie, and opened the marshmallows. He picked up my comforter from the bed, spreading it out on the floor, and then went out into the hallway, returning with piles of knitted afghans and fleece blankets from the linen closet, piling them at the foot of the comforter ready to be snuggled up in. He threw my pillows and many decorative cushions down there, too, for us to lean against. Then, finally, he sat down and patted the space next to him.
I had to have the best friend in the entire world. Who else would drop everything to do this for me?
Noah wouldn’t. Noah didn’t care. Noah had her to go back to.
I wondered if he’d cried over the end of our relationship. Some part of me that was still angry with him doubted it. Noah wasn’t the kind of guy who cried much. He hit inanimate objects instead. Had he cared enough to do that? Or was he grateful, because now he was free to be with her and didn’t have to explain to me that there was someone else he’d rather be with instead.
I looked back at Lee. He still wasn’t pushing me with questions about what had happened and why his older brother and I had broken up. He wasn’t acting like it was weird between us now, or even pretending it wasn’t. He was here in his capacity as my best friend, and right now, he was smiling at me and putting his arm around me. It was all the comfort I needed.