by Beth Reekles
I couldn’t even walk down the corridor with Levi without people looking at us like they were waiting for us to launch into a crazy make-out session right there in the hallway.
It was just making me so mad.
And with everyone talking more and more about colleges and asking for second and third and fourth opinions on their application essays, I only seemed to be falling further and further behind. Lee had mentioned Brown a couple more times to me, and I knew I had to work that much harder if I wanted to get in there—but after the events of the weekend, I got the feeling Rachel would never forgive either of us if I rocked up at Brown with the pair of them.
And it wasn’t like I could talk to Lee about it. He was spending all his time with the football team lately, while Rachel was busy with drama club rehearsals, and they were still patching things up. If I asked him about college again, it’d just be another rift in their relationship—because of me.
I knew how much Rachel meant to Lee.
I didn’t want to be a burden.
Right now, though, I felt like I could scream. Or cry. Maybe both.
“Elle? You okay?”
“I’m fine,” I snapped. “God, Levi, why don’t you find somebody else to follow around like a lost puppy for a change?”
I regretted it as soon as I said it.
I had a flashback to Jon Fletcher’s party a while back, when Lee had said more or less the same thing to me, and how upset it had made me.
I didn’t mean it. I just needed to vent somehow, and Levi was just…just there.
We’d both stopped walking, and I stared at the hurt look on his face for a fraction of a second; then I turned on my heel and stormed away before I could feel any worse about myself than I did right then.
I was starting to understand why Noah felt like punching walls and doors and lockers sometimes.
In our next class, I pretended not to even notice when Levi took a seat at the other end of the classroom instead of his usual one next to me. And when the bell rang, he left class first and didn’t wait for me.
First Noah, then Lee, and now Levi.
Was I going to push away every guy in my life that I cared about?
When lunch finally rolled around, I went to buy a sandwich and looked over at our lunch table.
There was Lee, sitting with his arm around Rachel. She was laughing at something Dixon had said, and Lee was talking over her head to Cam and Levi, and two of Rachel’s friends sat at the table, too. Warren and Oliver took a seat then, and they all stopped their conversations to say hi to them. Lisa sat down with her bagged lunch as I watched.
I stood watching them for a moment, wondering if they were waiting for me. Maybe they hadn’t even noticed I wasn’t there with them.
I stepped up to pay for my sandwich, and then stood looking around the rest of the cafeteria. There were so many people I would normally be happy to sit with and talk to, but none I felt like I could confide in, the way I would with Lee, or Cam, or Dixon—or Levi.
A few people looked my way and then turned to talk to their friends.
They probably weren’t talking about me, but…but what if they were? They’d been talking about me all week, so why stop now? Why wouldn’t they talk about me when I was standing here clutching my tuna sandwich and looking like a lost, lonely freshman on my first day?
I looked back at my friends at our lunch table, willing one of them to look over and see me, wave and gesture for me to hurry up already, to come sit with them.
They didn’t.
Rationally, I knew they just hadn’t noticed me yet. The same way I knew people probably weren’t talking about me, because the reality was that I was throwing myself a huge pity party. But it’s hard to be rational when it feels like you’re drowning.
I took a few shallow breaths, tossed my sandwich in the nearest trash can, and walked back out of the cafeteria.
* * *
• • •
Lee smiled easily at me as I dragged my feet over to where he’d parked his car this morning. “Hey.”
“Hi.” I got in the car and shut the door, waiting for him to get in, too.
He did, after what felt like five minutes waiting for him, and he frowned across at me. “What’s up with you today? You didn’t show up to lunch, didn’t talk to me in class, Levi said you yelled at him—”
“Lee, can we just go home? Please?”
There must’ve been something in my tone or my face that made him decide to give up trying, because he shook his head at me, sighing through his nose, totally exasperated, and threw the car into gear before pulling out of the parking lot.
The drive home was silent.
I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I wasn’t in the mood for anything.
I was overtired—I kept lying awake and playing back my last conversation with Noah, and all the times I thought he’d been hiding something from me, how I should’ve known something was going on. It made it impossible to concentrate—which only made me more stressed about the schoolwork I knew I needed to be focusing on. I was upset and wanted a hug, but I was so mad about everything and at everyone that I didn’t want to even give them the chance to ask me what was wrong.
Lee knew something was up. He was my best friend, after all.
He stopped the car a few blocks away from both our houses. “Right. What the hell is going on with you lately? I know the breakup was tough on you, but let’s face it—you were the one who broke up with him, and I thought we agreed that it was for the best if he’s keeping secrets from you and might have something going on with that Amanda chick. And I know you loved him, but you can’t take it out on us.”
“It’s not about Noah, okay? Jesus.”
“Then why are you acting like this?”
I huffed, sucking my cheeks in. “I’m…I’m just all over the place, and I’m stressed out.”
“Then you should talk to me! You should tell me these things! I know you said I needed to spend some quality time with Rachel this week, but—”
“Lee…”
“If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help. I want to help.”
“And I don’t want to cause more problems for you and Rachel. You don’t need to look after me twenty-four seven. I’m just not having a great week, okay? Everyone gossiping, and talking about college, and…It’s just getting to me. It’s all just getting a little too much to handle.”
“So tell me what I can do.”
“I don’t know! I…I just…”
“You what? You want to be alone for a while? Do you want me to ask Rachel if she’ll tutor you, if you’re struggling with your grades?” His voice was gentler now, and his mouth was twisted to one side with sympathy.
I reached up and grabbed at the roots of my hair. I didn’t know what I wanted or what I needed. That was the problem.
“Things are just weird for me right now. I need you to understand that. I need you to be normal and I need everyone to stop asking me how I’m feeling, because the truth is, I’m not doing so hot, and…” I trailed off, running out of steam. A lump rose in my throat and I hated myself for getting so emotional and so worked up this easily. I just wanted things to be okay, like they had been a few weeks ago. I heard Lee sigh. He tapped on the dashboard agitatedly.
Then Lee said, “Wanna come around and play video games and order Chinese? We can invite the guys, too. I was supposed to catch up with some of the football guys but I can bail. We’ll take a night off. We’ll both stop thinking about homework and essays and college and grades and studying for a night. Yeah? How about that?”
It sounded perfect. I felt a rush of gratitude toward my best friend. How was he so good at knowing what I needed before I did?
“What about Rachel?”
He shrugged. “She said she was going to see a movie with
some of the girls tonight anyway. It’s a win-win.”
I tried not to be hurt that I hadn’t received an invite. The girls had been including me more and more in things over the last couple of months, but that had changed suddenly in the last few days. I’d probably hate me if I were Rachel, so I couldn’t really blame her for still being off with me.
“And you promise you’re going to be normal, and get off my back asking me if I’m okay all the time?”
He held up his hand. “Scout’s honor.”
* * *
• • •
It made a nice change having a night with the guys like this. We hadn’t done that in a while. Most of the time over the summer, when we’d hung out, there were boyfriends and girlfriends around, too. It had been good, but it was nice to feel like things were back to how they were last year, just for a night.
We separated our food out in the kitchen, and everyone took their plates away into the living room, until just me and Levi were picking out our orders from the plastic bags.
“Hey,” he said quietly.
I was glad he’d talked first. It was a weight off my chest I hadn’t realized was really there; it was a little easier to breathe.
In response, I said, “I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that.”
“It’s okay. You’ve got a lot going on.”
He smiled at me, his face open and sincere, and I beamed back.
Over dinner, Cam brought up the subject of the Sadie Hawkins dance, which felt like he’d just dumped a bucket of ice water over me. I’d been so focused on asking Noah—and him rejecting me—that the concept of actually going to the dance in the next couple of weeks suddenly hit me.
I’d have to ask someone else to the dance. Or, actually, I could just go alone. I could do that.
I could also not go at all, but I’d been excited about the dance. I wasn’t about to let Noah ruin a night with my friends just because he’d rejected me and we’d broken up. My resolve hardened: I’d go to that dance, and I’d make sure there were plenty of pictures on my Instagram from the night showing just how much fun I’d had.
Cam was busy complaining about how Lisa wanted him to get a tie to match her dress, but how she’d insisted it had to be perfect, an exact match. The theme was red and pink. It was supposed to be cute and flirty and full of romance. Not that the night was going to be very romantic for me anymore, but I was happy we’d gone with that theme. Simple, and more importantly for the school council budget: cheap.
“Speaking of Sadie Hawkins,” Lee said, “who’s everyone actually going with?”
“Cassidy Thomas,” Warren said. “She’s in my geography class. She left a note in my locker asking me to go. There were puns involved. I couldn’t say no.”
“She’s kind of cute,” Dixon said. “Big nose. Bad taste in guys, too, obviously.”
Warren laughed.
Olly piped up next, saying, “Kaitlin asked me. I think it’s just because she lives a block away from me so it’s easy to get home, but she’s nice.”
“Oh, yeah, she did tell me she’d asked you,” I said, recalling the school council meeting we’d had where a couple of the girls had been discussing their dates and the guys they wanted to ask.
“What about you?” Cam asked Dixon. “Someone’s asked you, right?”
Dixon, to my surprise, started blushing. “Um, actually, I…I asked someone.”
“But it’s Sadie Hawkins,” I said. “The girls ask the guys.”
“That’s…that’s kind of the thing,” he stammered, looking down at his plate of sweet-and-sour chicken and noodles. His cheeks went even redder. “I asked Danny, a couple of weeks ago.”
“Danny who? Dani Schrader?”
“No, Danny Brown. From the basketball team.”
Several seconds passed in silence as we all let that sink in.
I could see the guys exchanging looks that said, Dixon’s going to the dance with a guy? What? Wait, how did none of us know about this? Did he think he couldn’t talk to us?
I hoped my face didn’t look like that, too, since Dixon glanced up at me then.
And I smiled and said, “The most important question here, Dixon, is what color ties are you two gonna be wearing? Please tell me you’re gonna match.”
He smiled back at me, obviously relieved, and said, “Red, I think.”
Then Cam pitched in, in a voice that sounded totally disbelieving, “Sorry, but Danny Brown?”
Dixon’s lips twitched. “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, or any of you guys, but…I mean, just…it’s…Okay, and—”
“No, no,” Cam said, “I don’t give a shit if you’re bi or gay or whatever label you prefer, but my point is, Dixon, that Danny Brown is not a fine piece of ass. You can do a lot better than that. You should’ve asked Joe Drake. He’s into guys and he hasn’t got a date yet.”
Dixon snorted.
“It’s too late now,” Cam said, shaking his head and pressing his lips into a disapproving line.
“He’s a nice guy,” Dixon argued, but he was smiling. “He’s funny.”
“Hey,” Warren said, leaning over to shove Cam’s shoulder. “I don’t know why you’re laughing. God knows what Lisa sees in you—again, not a fine piece of ass, and you’re not even funny. What’ve you got going for you?”
“I can do that trick where you tip a glass of water upside down without spilling it. The ladies love it, what can I say.”
“It’s true,” I joke, looking at Warren with a deadpan expression. I put a hand to my chest. “I think my heart just skipped a beat thinking about it.”
“How about you, Elle?” Dixon said then, still looking obviously relieved that none of us had made a big deal about him asking a guy to the dance. “Don’t try and change the subject. The dance is, like, two weeks away.”
“Um…”
Levi caught my eye and said pointedly, “You know, I need a new suit jacket. You guys got any recommendations for where to go?”
Ignoring him, Olly said, “Yeah, c’mon, Elle. You’re single now. You could, like, have your pick of guys. We can come up with someone for you to ask now that you definitely won’t be going with No— Ow!” He broke off to scowl at Lee, who’d just elbowed him.
I was grateful for Lee and Levi trying to intervene and spare my feelings, but said, “I figured I’d just go with you guys. Go stag. Or, like, doe, I guess. Is that a thing? Going doe? I’m definitely making that a thing.”
A few of them laughed; then Olly piped up again with, “Hey, Levi, you don’t have a date either, though, do you?”
He shook his head. “Uh, no, actually.”
I pulled a face at him, my eyes bugging. “Wait, what? I’ve seen at least five girls ask you to the dance.”
He shrugged. “I figured it was easier to turn them down than try to explain I wasn’t really looking for a date, you know? I’m cool with not going, or just going with you guys.”
Lee caught my eye, his mouth pulling and eyebrows rising slightly as he glanced at Levi, as if to say, Well?
And, honestly, I didn’t hate the idea.
I stood up and walked over to where Levi was sitting between Cam and Warren on the couch, picking my way carefully through the plates and glasses and cutlery.
I bent down on one knee in front of Levi, ignoring Lee snickering, and picked up one of his hands in both of mine, putting on my most serious expression. “Levi Monroe, will you do me the honor of being my date to the dance?”
“Oh my,” he drawled in a high-pitched Southern accent. “Golly gee, ma’am, I’d just love to.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Don’t humiliate me here. I’m trying to be cute.”
“So am I.”
I rolled my eyes, and Levi laughed. “Sure, Elle, I’ll go to the dance with y
ou.”
I fake-swooned backward—and lost my balance, falling into some egg-fried rice.
Chapter 16
I’d spoken to Rachel a little over the last several days, and even though her frosty attitude was thawing, I still felt unusually awkward calling her. But Lee hadn’t answered his phone in hours, and that was really unlike him. I’d asked him if he wanted to come to the mall with me tomorrow, and then, more recently, wanted to know if there were plans for getting to Sadie Hawkins. The lack of answer was concerning.
It was only once I was dialing Rachel’s number that I realized maybe they were both…otherwise occupied. I was about to hang up when she answered.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Rach, is Lee there? Promise it’s just a quick question.”
“No, he’s…he’s not with you?”
I frowned. “Why would he be with me?”
“He told me you guys were hanging out tonight.”
My face scrunched up, an uneasy feeling settling over me. “Um…no. He told me it was date night.”
“He’s definitely not with me. Is everything okay? What’s up, anyway?”
I rubbed a hand over the back of my neck. “Oh, it’s no big deal. I just thought it was weird he wasn’t replying to me. He’s really not with you?”
“I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding,” Rachel said, her words slow and measured. I could tell she didn’t believe it even as she said it. “Maybe he got a flat tire somewhere?”
“I doubt it, the rat bastard,” I muttered. I put Rachel on speakerphone and loaded Snapchat, then Instagram. “Dammit, there’s nothing on his story. You don’t have him on Find My Friends, do you?”
“Uh, no. Maybe his mom does?”
“No, the most she can do on her phone is forward me articles via Facebook about which food is gonna give me cancer this week. Last week it was popcorn.”
“What was it this week?”