by Beth Reekles
“I know. Shelly, honestly, I owe you for, like, the rest of my life. I’ll head straight over to Rachel’s, and—”
“No, you’re not. You’re going home to sit feeling guilty. Me and Rachel are going to the mall. Third wheel, my ass.”
* * *
• • •
“He’s really sorry?”
“Yes, but c’mon. No boy talk. Remember? I’m so sick of feeling sorry for myself and stewing over the whole breakup and, trust me, you don’t need to get started on that.”
I understood now why Levi had deleted all the pictures of him and his ex from his social media. It was tough, seeing them. Remembering how good things had been. How much I’d loved Noah. How much I’d thought he’d loved me.
The less I thought about it, the more I could at least pretend I was moving on.
Rachel squared her shoulders. “No, you’re…you’re right. No boys, no pity parties. Can we talk about college? Or is that on your banned list, too?”
“Funny.”
“My mom’s been on me to apply to Yale, but I don’t know. I had a cousin who went there and I visited her last year for a weekend, and…I just didn’t feel it, you know? You know when you know you don’t like something?”
“So don’t apply.”
“Yeah, but…I don’t know. There’s just something about Yale. The name, I mean. It’s so prestigious…”
Noah had said something like that to me when he got his acceptance letter to Harvard.
I shook the thought away. I had to stop thinking about him.
“A prestigious college won’t mean anything if you’re miserable for the next four years of your life.”
“Okay, miserable is taking it a little far.” Rachel smiled. “But yeah, I guess you’re right. Have you thought about which colleges you’re applying to yet?”
We kept talking about colleges, even talking about Brown, and Rachel assured me she wouldn’t mind if I ended up there. We talked about school, about movies and people and literally anything except our love lives. It was weirdly refreshing.
And it was so good to feel like the air had finally cleared between me and Rachel.
* * *
• • •
Lee and Rachel, of course, made up. She’d let him sweat over it for a couple of days, but he knew how in the wrong he was, and she forgave him eventually. He hadn’t hesitated to tell me how great the make-up sex had been, which I’d teased him about, but it only made me think about Noah.
As the Sadie Hawkins dance crept closer, the excitement at school built. And the air was filled with the promise of romance. It left a bitter taste in my mouth. The number of times I got out my cell phone to text Noah—just wanting to see how he was, tempted to apologize for how things had ended between us, to say maybe we could talk again when he was home for Thanksgiving to make sure things weren’t too weird between us.
I checked his Instagram a few times.
He didn’t post that much.
Amanda, though, posted a lot, on her feed and her story (which I always watched from Levi’s phone, so she wouldn’t know I’d been snooping on her account). She seemed to be hanging out with Noah a lot.
I was the one who ended things. I had no right to be jealous. I should be happy for him. I should want him to move on and be happy.
But now, as I was getting ready for the dance, it was impossible not to miss him and regret ending things. I kept thinking about the last school dance, and how we’d gone together, and how I’d daydreamed about him coming home for the dance to do it all again.
I fixed my earrings and pursed my lips. I had to stop thinking about Noah. He hadn’t even wanted to come to the dance with me anyway. It was better this way.
And I was free to date anyone I wanted.
My thoughts moved to my date for tonight. Everyone assumed something had happened between me and Levi, at some point.
And I couldn’t help but let my mind wander. Would I really hate it if something did happen between us? I liked Levi. A lot. He was so easy to be around, and so different to being with Noah. He knew exactly how to make me smile and laugh, and we never argued. It didn’t hurt that he was cute, either.
Would it be weird to slow dance with him tonight? If we did, would I want to kiss him?
I’d never kissed anyone except Noah.
And part of me couldn’t help but wonder what it might be like to kiss Levi.
My cheeks flushed and I caught sight of my blushing face in the mirror.
Okay, let’s maybe not think about that.
Get it together, Elle.
I probably shouldn’t be thinking about dating anybody right now. I was definitely in no rush to get my heart broken again.
“Tonight is all about me,” I told my reflection, trying to inject confidence into my voice.
I ran my fingers through my hair, shaking it out to give it some more volume. I smiled, satisfied with my appearance. I hadn’t bothered with much jewelry—just the pretty watch my dad gave me for my seventeenth birthday that used to be my mom’s and some small diamond studs.
I rocked back and forth on my feet, wiggling my toes to test my shoes. They were black kitten heels that I hadn’t worn in a while, and I couldn’t remember if they gave me blisters.
I hoped they wouldn’t. I wanted to spend most of my night dancing.
There was a knock on my half-open bedroom door, and my dad stepped in. “All ready?”
I spun, showing off my deep-red jersey dress with its flared skirt. “Yep.”
“You look really pretty, Elle.”
“Thanks.”
“Noah doesn’t know what he’s missing.”
I rolled my eyes, wanting to shrug it off and not let it upset me, but I appreciated the sentiment. “I broke up with him, remember?”
“I know. But I know you still miss him a lot. Every time your cell phone buzzes, you jump for it, like you’re expecting it to be him begging you to take him back.”
I busied myself double-checking the contents of my clutch. Lip gloss, check. Ticket for the dance, check. Cash, check. House key, check…
Zero contact from Noah, check.
“Bud, you know you can talk to me, right?”
“There’s nothing to talk about, okay? I couldn’t deal with the distance and stuff. It got to be too much. It’s better this way.”
“And you’re sure there’s nothing else going on?”
I looked over at my dad, who was raising his eyebrows at me skeptically behind his glasses. Was this about college? Or had Lee told him about the whole thing with Amanda? Was that what that look was for? So, carefully, I replied, “Like what?”
“Oh, just…you and Levi. You guys seem really close.” He raised his eyebrows even higher, and his lips pressed into a line like he was trying not to smile. “Hanging out all the time, texting a lot, now you’re going to this dance together…”
Oh.
OH.
I snorted, as though I hadn’t just been thinking about kissing Levi a few minutes before. “Dad, that’s really not what’s going on. Levi and I, we’re just friends.”
“Sure about that?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. If you say so.”
I rolled my eyes deliberately at him. The sound of a car engine outside drew both our attention, followed by a car door slamming. “That’s him.”
“Are you going to be completely embarrassed if I insist on taking some photos of you two going to the dance together?”
“Yes.”
“Then I’m doing my job as your dad exactly right.”
* * *
• • •
Once my dad had taken, like, two dozen photos of us, and Brad had told Levi all about soccer practice this week, we finally left.
And I had to a
dmit, Levi did look hot in his suit. It was a plain black suit, with a pink shirt and black tie. Plus, he smelled really good. His curly brown hair was tidier than usual, held down with some gel that caught the light.
Something else caught the light, too.
I reached over and ran a finger over his cheekbone when we paused at a stop sign. “Is that glitter?”
Levi did something between a laugh and a sigh. “Becca wanted to help me get ready.”
“Right…”
“And she persuaded my mom to buy her this glittery moisturizer stuff last week.”
“Ah, I see.”
“You know what she said? It’s funny. She said, my face needed to be soft, in case I kissed any pretty girls tonight. Like you.”
I didn’t have to pretend to be shocked, but I acted melodramatic about it to play it off. I hoped I wasn’t blushing again. “You were talking about kissing me?”
Did he want to kiss me?
Did I want to kiss him? Or was this some rebound impulse?
“I think Becca thinks I should have a new girlfriend. She really liked having Julie around, because it was kind of like she had a big sister, too. I think she just misses that.”
“I guess I’ll have to come babysit again soon, then.”
Levi smiled. “Thanks, Elle.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” And I really didn’t.
(But did that mean I liked him as more than a friend, or would mind if he kissed me?)
With Noah, I’d always known I had a crush on him. A helpless, and I’d thought hopeless, crush. And I’d never really liked another guy. It was hard to work out my feelings toward Levi now.
But I couldn’t deny that his comment about kissing me played over and over in my mind on the rest of the ride to the dance.
We didn’t have too much trouble parking at the school. We could hear the dull thrum of the music pulsing from the direction of the school gym, and it sent a buzz of adrenaline through my system.
As we walked around, our arms swinging at our sides and occasionally brushing against each other, I asked, “Are you planning on going to the after-party?”
The after-party was organized last minute—one of the girls from the school council, Emma, had managed to persuade her parents to let her throw a house party, and I couldn’t wait. Lee and Rachel had decided not to go, but that was okay—the rest of the gang would be there. I needed tonight, to try and enjoy myself without thinking about school or college, or too much about Noah. I wanted to let my hair down. Have fun.
“Oh, yeah, Cam texted me about it earlier. Uh, I guess, maybe for a little while. I promised my mom and dad I wouldn’t stay out too late, though. My mom wants to be up early tomorrow, to take Becca to ballet.”
“Becca does ballet?”
“It’s gonna be her first class. Anyway, I promised I wouldn’t get in too late, because she’ll stay up to make sure I get in okay and haven’t gotten wasted and driven into a ditch somewhere. My dad would sleep through a hurricane, though.”
“You could always crash at mine,” I offered. “My dad won’t mind. You could sleep on the couch.”
“You sure that’d be okay?”
“Yeah. I don’t see why not.”
“Thanks, Elle.”
I smiled at him, and he stepped to the side as we reached the doors of the gym, sweeping his arm out in an “after you” gesture.
The gym had been mostly transformed. Not totally—but mostly. I’d been one of the lucky few to avoid coming early to help set up, but only because I’d had to pick Brad up from soccer practice earlier.
There were balloons and streamers in red and pink and white strung all across the room, and the usual too-bright overhead lights had been turned off, in exchange for some flashy colored lights coming from the corners of the room and the electric lanterns we’d got to put on some tables.
And—
“Oh my God,” Levi exclaimed, grabbing my arm, noticing it at the same time as I did. “Is that it? Is that the infamous kissing booth?”
I could only gawp, taking in the crowd around the booth Lee and I had created for the Spring Carnival months ago. It looked a little worse for wear now. I’d just assumed they’d scrapped it. People were going inside to pose with their dates for photos.
Ethan Jenkins spotted us and came over to say hi. I didn’t let him get out a word before jabbing my finger at the booth and saying, “What the hell is that doing here?”
“It’s great, right? We found it yesterday. Fits perfectly with the pink-and-red theme, huh? People are going crazy for it!”
I gave a cracked smile, relieved when Ethan spotted someone else and moved on.
Levi turned to me with a grin. “You wanna grab a photo?”
“Definitely not,” I said—maybe a little too quickly. I winced.
As if I needed any more reminders of Noah tonight, or any more reason to try and work out how I felt about the idea of kissing Levi. Stepping into the actual kissing booth with him was bound to be a recipe for disaster, I just knew it.
“Come on.” I grabbed Levi’s hand, and he tripped after me. “Let’s dance.”
* * *
• • •
It was warm outside, but I wrapped my arms around myself, hunching over. There were a few clouds in the inky sky, but I could still pick out a few stars. Behind me, the soft noise of the last dance filtered out from the gym.
The night had been fantastic: there were no problems, so even us guys from the school council had been able to enjoy the dance. I mean, someone had tried to spike the punch with vodka, but the teachers and chaperones had been keeping a close eye on that and sent the guy home before he managed to get away with it.
The kissing booth had been a hit, too. I did cave enough to take a photo in there with Lee. We took one with our arms around each other, one where he kissed my cheek, and one where I leaned toward him for a kiss and he shoved my face away with both hands with an overexaggerated expression of disgust.
“New profile pic,” I’d told him after zooming in on his face.
Once I was up there to take a picture with Lee, Warren and Cam had shoved Levi up there with me, and I’d stood awkwardly while Rachel snapped a photo of us at the booth. I’d stepped away quickly.
The band we’d picked was awesome. The dancing had been fun, too—but I didn’t want to stay for the last one. I didn’t feel like being surrounded by cute couples holding each other close.
So here I was—sitting on a bench outside the gym, alone.
A throat cleared behind me, and I looked up as Levi sat down next to me. I hadn’t seen him for a little while—I’d been dancing with some of the girls instead.
He was loosening his tie and cocked his head at me.
“You cold?”
I shrugged, and he slipped his arms out of his suit jacket, offering it to me. I put the jacket round my shoulders. It smelled like his aftershave. Which did smell really good. I had to work not to bury my face in the shoulder and sniff it.
“Thanks.”
“Guess you didn’t feel like taking this last dance?”
“Not so much that. I just didn’t want to be around all the couples, you know? Everyone hugging and kissing and being sappy…Don’t get me wrong, it’s adorable, and romantic—but that’s exactly what I don’t want to see right now.”
“I get it. You know, this is the first school dance I’ve been to since Julie broke up with me. I know how you feel.”
I leaned sideways, resting my head on Levi’s shoulder. “Breakups suck.”
“Yep.”
“Do you still miss Julie?”
“Sometimes. Less than I used to. It gets easier, don’t worry. But maybe it won’t be so easy for you because you’re going to see Noah again. Like, over the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christ
mas and stuff. I don’t see Julie anymore, and I think that helped me get over her.”
I smirked and laid the sarcasm on thick: “Wow. Thanks. That’s really encouraging, Levi.”
“Sorry.”
I nudged him with my head. “It’s okay.”
“It’ll get easier,” he reiterated.
“Yeah.”
“In the meantime, though…” Levi eased his shoulder from under my head and stood up. I sat up straighter and looked at him, silhouetted against the lights from the parking lot. Tall and lean, and his curls a little wild from the night of dancing. He was holding out a hand and smiling at me.
“Wanna dance?”
I smiled back. “Why not?”
I let Levi pull me up and set his jacket on the bench, putting my arms around his shoulders. Levi’s hands held my waist, and we swayed side to side.
I couldn’t help but compare him to Noah. The arms around me weren’t as strong, the shoulders not as broad. There was no heat, no spark, no tension between us; no desire to pull myself flush against him, like I was used to feeling with Noah, nothing that made me catch my breath and lean to kiss him. But there was something soft and sweet about it. Something comfortable and easy.
The song was almost over, and so was the dance—but while it lasted, it was nice.
* * *
• • •
I groaned, rolling over and burying my face in my pillow. My head hurt. My feet hurt. My throat hurt. I pulled my face out of the pillow, remembering the night before—Sadie Hawkins, dancing with Levi…
At the after-party, I’d had maybe one too many beers and had sat outside moaning to Dixon and Cam about how much I missed Noah, and how I shouldn’t have broken up with him, and how much I hated that bitch Amanda for coming between us and being everything I wasn’t—and, apparently, everything Noah was looking for—and how much of an asshole Noah was for hiding things from me.
I probably deserved the headache.
I hadn’t gotten in past curfew, at least. I remembered walking through the door promptly at one a.m. My dad had been awake, asked me how the dance and the party had been, and I’d done a good enough job of not looking drunk enough to warrant being grounded.