by Beth Reekles
Or was he so ashamed of himself for realizing that he’d brought his new girlfriend home to meet his whole family, all in front of his recently ex-girlfriend?
I kind of hoped he was. I wanted him to realize just how much this was hurting me.
A hand waved in front of my face, and Lee came into focus. “Earth to Shelly. What was that all about?”
“What?”
“You and Amanda. I thought you wanted to rip her throat out and then I look over and see you laughing like you’re suddenly best friends?”
“She’s…nice,” I defended myself, and bit my lip, looking guiltily at Lee. “She just hugged me and started asking about college, and chatting, and…and I didn’t know what else to do. She’d be hard not to get on with. And did you hear her accent? It’s like, impossible to hate anything she says in that accent. I’m kind of starting to hate myself for ever hating her.”
Lee shook his head in dismay, looking disappointed in me.
“Hey, better we get on than have a catfight over the dinner table, right?”
Lee cracked a grin, then nudged me. “You know I can’t resist seeing a good catfight, Shelly.”
I settled for swatting him over the head; then I looped my arm through his. My friendship with Lee might have been a little rocky the last few months, but right now it was as concrete as ever.
Even if I’d lost Noah, at least I’d always have Lee.
Chapter 21
The dining table at the Flynns’ was huge—so huge that there were three centerpieces. Like always. There was the big one with fake flowers and waxed fruit, all with gold edging, which June’s mom had passed on to her when she stopped hosting Thanksgiving, and the ones that Brad and Liam had made in school.
The rest of the table sagged under the weight of all the food. Dishes of buttery, roasted vegetables and yams, still-steaming bread rolls, and the huge turkey covered every inch of the table.
My dad said grace this year. Neither Lee’s nor my family were very religious, but we always said grace on Thanksgiving. The whole time, when I had my head bowed, I tried not to steal a glance at Amanda and Noah, who were sitting on the other side of the table to Lee and me. Were they holding hands? Were their legs pressed together under the table?
As I thought this, I felt Lee bump my knee underneath the table.
I could do this.
I could totally do this.
As the turkey was carved, and dishes of vegetables swapped across the table, I had to make a conscious effort not to keep looking at Noah. But it was so hard not to when he sat directly opposite me.
Conversation wasn’t half so uneasy and stiff as I’d expected it to be. The grown-ups asked us all about school and college. Lee and I didn’t have much to say that people didn’t already know; Brad and Liam were so excitable that they kept talking over each other with their mouths full; and all anybody got from Hilary was a surly half-response. Mostly, they talked to Amanda and Noah, wanting to know all about how they were getting on at college, and how football was going for Noah, and did Amanda have any hobbies?
She smiled when Colin asked her that, and said, “Actually, I’m really into horse riding. There’s this riding school back home where I go. I really miss it, and the horses. I don’t have my own horse, but I’d like to someday.”
“Not much of a city girl, then, eh?” Pete said.
“Oh, I don’t mind the city, but I think long-term I’d prefer somewhere in the country. I could see myself in the city for my five-year plan, but not to, like, settle down.”
She had a five-year plan.
I was starting to think that she was actually flawless.
That led everyone to ask about her plans after college, whether she planned to stay or move back to the UK, and Lee whispered in my ear, “Jeez, I see what you mean. She is nice. It’s infuriating, but I can’t actually get mad at her.”
“I know,” I whispered back. I turned my head away so Noah couldn’t lip-read.
“Noah keeps looking at you,” Lee added. “He’s looking now.”
“I know,” I repeated, giving him a rigid smile and a wide-eyed, unimpressed look. “I’m trying not to notice.”
“Why?”
“He didn’t even say hi to me,” I mumbled. “I’m getting the feeling he’s pissed at me.”
“He’s definitely not mad at you, Shelly. He just looks kind of sad.”
Sad? What right did he have to be sad about all this?
I turned away from Lee; I wasn’t going to get into that. I didn’t want to feel sorry for Noah. Especially not today, when he least deserved it.
I tried not to let it get to me whenever Amanda laid a hand on Noah’s arm or on his hand, or when she brought up a story about a mutual friend, or a story that started “Do you remember that time when…”
Whenever she touched him, it looked so natural, so familiar. Like we used to be.
And that hurt, too.
I poked some yams around on my plate, losing my appetite.
Then Noah distracted me, by actually speaking to me. The grown-ups had all moved on to talking about work and about their bosses or colleagues, Hilary was talking to her grandma, and Liam and Brad were arguing about whether Iron Man or Thor would win in a fight, so nobody really noticed Noah had spoken to me.
Like, directly to me.
For the first time since we’d broken up.
And he said, “So, uh, Elle…how’s Levi?”
Really? Was he serious? Of all the things to talk to me about—why Levi? He couldn’t say hi, but he could ask me about Levi?
Lee coughed and said, “Hey, Brad, Liam, you guys know that the Hulk would beat them both, right? Elle, back me up here.”
Now wasn’t the time to ask him, anyway.
I stared back at Noah. God, he looked so good. Why did he have to look so good?
Why did he care so much about Levi when he was here with his new girlfriend?
“Yeah. He’s good.”
Noah nodded. And kept nodding.
And I bit my lip, staring back at him and waiting for him to say something else, but also wanting that to be the end of it.
Amanda intervened, luckily—because things were starting to get really awkward. “Is Levi the boy who moved from Detroit? You had all those nicknames for him, Noah. The jeans guy. True Religion, Diesel, stuff like that. He lives by your friend, um…is it Carl? I want to say Carl.”
“Cam,” I corrected her, slightly stunned.
Noah had talked to her about Levi? What the hell was that about? It was weird that it was easier to talk to Amanda than Noah, but I went ahead and said, “Yeah, that’s him. We just got to be really good friends. We keep each other company when we have to babysit. He’s got a little sister a few years younger than Brad.”
“That’s nice, though.” Amanda smiled brightly. “And I suppose it makes babysitting easier, too.”
“Uh-huh.” And then, because I couldn’t resist, I said, “I asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance a couple weeks ago. That was really nice. It was only in the school gym, but it was cute.”
I wasn’t exactly sure why I said it. I just couldn’t help myself. I guess I just wanted to make Noah feel as bad as I did.
Or I wanted to make him feel jealous.
I wasn’t sure which, and I really didn’t want to spend too long thinking about it.
“Yeah,” Noah said, obviously making an effort to keep his voice casual—it came out sounding sort of strained, though. His eyebrows pulled together almost into one straight line because of the frown on his face. “I saw. There was that photo of you guys in the kissing booth.”
Oh my God. He’d seen the photo. And judging by the look on his face, it bothered him.
Well, so what? What damn right did he have to be mad about a photo? Did he hear what a hyp
ocrite that made him? And at least I was single when that photo was taken.
I stared back at him, chin jutting out. “Yeah. Cute, right?”
Noah scowled down at his plate; I saw his Adam’s apple bob as he gulped. Amanda glanced between us, then smiled again, reaching an arm across the table to me and waving it excitedly. “Oh my goodness,” she said, all bubbly, “my school never did dances like you guys have over here. Tell me all about it. Was there a theme? Noah said you’re on the planning committee for stuff like that. What did you have to do?”
She kept on babbling—and I was pretty sure she knew she was babbling. I figured she was doing it on purpose, trying to alleviate the tension between me and Noah, which was tangible now. I bristled.
I locked eyes with him and felt the urge to start crying again. I felt Lee bump my leg with his again, and I inhaled deeply through my nose, trying to keep my eyes from drifting back to Noah.
We were over.
I had to move on.
I couldn’t let him keep getting to me.
I swallowed hard, smiled politely at Amanda, and told her, in the most upbeat voice I could manage, all about the Sadie Hawkins dance.
* * *
• • •
I helped clear up the dishes when we were all done. Lee asked me quietly if I was okay, and I assured him I was (although I wasn’t so convinced myself). He went outside to play football with Brad and Liam in the backyard.
“I’ll help,” Amanda volunteered, standing and starting to pick up plates, too.
“Oh no, dear, honestly,” June protested. “You’re our guest! There’s no need.”
“It’s the least I can do,” Amanda said cheerfully.
Hell, I thought. Everything she said was cheerful. I guessed she was just one of those people. Or maybe it was the accent. “It’s so generous of you to have me stay for Thanksgiving.”
“It’s nothing, Amanda,” Matthew said. “What’s one more mouth to feed when there’s already seventeen of us?”
“Says you,” June said, tutting at her husband but smiling. “All you did was the cranberry sauce!”
“The cranberry sauce is a vital component of any turkey dinner,” Matthew assured us.
“Well, it was absolutely delicious, Mr. Flynn.” Amanda laughed, picking up more plates. Linda and Colin started gathering some, too.
Rose said, “Hilary, why don’t you help?” and Hilary glared at her mom, saying, “Fine.” She grabbed some glasses and stormed out to the kitchen.
Rose sighed and drank a little more wine. “I don’t know what to do with that girl, honestly. Just because she wanted to go to the movies with her friends later, and—what did she call it, Colin? FOMO? You’d think I’d signed a death warrant for her social life.”
Amanda and I walked to the kitchen together, even though I’d stalled to try and avoid doing so. Just because she was so frustratingly easy to get along with didn’t mean I wanted to spend more time with her than I had to.
We put the dishes by the dishwasher, stacking them carefully. “June will kill us if we scratch her best china,” I commented.
“My mum’s just the same.”
“Why didn’t you go home for Thanksgiving?” I asked her. It came out sounding rude, but I didn’t mean it to. I just wanted to know. I looked away, sheepish.
Instead of the kind of answer I was looking for—“Noah and I are super serious now and we thought I should come here to meet his family” or “Noah and I are just great friends”—Amanda said, “Well, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving.”
“Oh, right, yeah. Of course…”
“Noah didn’t want me stuck at college all by myself for the holidays. And I thought it’d be fun to see a real American Thanksgiving.”
I wanted to ask, “Yeah, but are you here as Noah’s friend, or his girlfriend?”
Instead, what came out of my mouth was “That was nice of him.”
Then Amanda said, “I hope you don’t mind me saying, but it was a bit awkward between you and Noah. At least, it felt like it was.”
Wow. Straight to it, huh?
I clenched my jaw. “Sort of.”
“I see. And if you don’t mind me asking…do you still have feelings for him?”
Seriously, how did anybody sound that nice when they were asking such a blunt, personal question of someone they’d literally just met a couple of hours ago? And to their boyfriend’s ex, of all people? It wasn’t fair.
I looked at Amanda, at the genuine concern and open curiosity on her face, and I narrowed my eyes at her. “I don’t really feel like talking about this.”
I turned and walked out of the kitchen just as some of the grown-ups came in, juggling glasses and empty wine bottles and plates, like they were part of a circus act.
“Elle,” I heard her say, my name an apology, as I was by the doorway.
I didn’t look back.
When I got back into the dining room to collect what was left of the dishes, Noah was just leaving. I bumped right into him, bouncing back and stumbling. He caught my arm to steady me, and I jerked it away like he’d given me an electric shock.
And, if I was going to be totally honest, it felt like he had.
It made me think of Levi, and the fact that we didn’t have this kind of thing between us. That spark. Although, right now, it was definitely not a good kind of spark. Maybe I was better off without it.
I looked up at him, unimpressed when he didn’t move out of my way. “What?”
“Elle, I just…”
“Just what?”
He clamped his mouth shut, looking away.
Fine. If he wasn’t going to talk to me, then I’d…I could…
I didn’t know what.
“Why don’t you go play football with the boys, son?” Matthew said, appearing behind Noah and clapping his hand on Noah’s shoulder.
Noah looked at me again, with those electric blue eyes searing right through me, and then he strode away. The door to the backyard banged behind him.
I gave his dad an awkward smile. “Uh, thanks.”
“You two will sort things out,” he said, looking as uncomfortable as I felt.
“Oh, I…I really don’t think we’ll ever get back together,” I mumbled, looking in the direction Noah had just left. “I don’t think either of us could go back after all this.”
“I just meant you guys will both get over it and move past it. Eventually.”
“Oh.” I rubbed a hand across the back of my neck, which felt like it was burning just like the rest of my face. “Well, yeah. Someday.”
Matthew clapped me on the shoulder, then left the room with the remainder of the turkey on the dish in his other hand.
I looked at the few things left on the table and back in the direction of the kitchen, where I could hear Amanda’s laugh.
I really, really couldn’t do this.
I walked toward the front door, pulling on my ankle boots and already calling Levi.
“Hey,” Levi said, answering on the second ring. “What’s up?”
What was up? I couldn’t pinpoint it exactly. I just needed to see him and get out of here for a while. I needed to not be around Noah, or Amanda, and pretending I was fine.
I told him so. “Can you meet me at the park? I just need to get out of here for a while. I can’t handle this.”
“Sure. I’ll leave in a couple minutes.”
“Great. I’ll meet you in the parking lot.”
I hung up and turned to grab my coat off the hook on the wall. I jumped when I saw Lee standing in the hallway. “Jesus, Lee,” I gasped, putting a hand over my racing heart. “You scared me.”
“Going somewhere?”
I hadn’t even considered asking Lee to get out of here with me. I’d just gone straight to Levi.
>
I was feeling shitty enough without having to think into that one, too.
“Um, yeah. I’m just going to go to the park. Get a little air. You know.”
“On your own?”
“Yeah.”
Lee raised his eyebrows, crossing his arms. The sleeves of his green woolen sweater rode up his arms with the motion. “Shelly, please don’t lie to me.”
I slipped my arms into my coat and walked up to Lee. “Fine. I’m going to see Levi, but I…I really don’t need to hear anything about that from you right now, that’s all. I’m sorry, but I really need to go. I can’t handle this like I thought I could and…” I sighed, and kissed his cheek. “Go see Rachel, huh? I’ll be okay.”
“Elle…”
I was already grabbing my purse and opening the door.
“Shelly!” he yelled after me, but the door closed before he could finish saying my name.
Chapter 22
The park wasn’t particularly far away, but far enough that I drove. I took a detour to make it last longer. I turned up the volume on my stereo and sang along to the new Taylor Swift song the radio station was playing. I sang half the words wrong, shouting nonsense or noises instead. It kept my mind off the Flynn brothers, at least.
But when I parked and killed the engine, I had to think about them.
I wasn’t sure if I was mad at Noah, or just upset. I couldn’t tell if I was pissed at Amanda for asking if I still had feelings for Noah, or if that just made me edgy because I did still have feelings for Noah.
I didn’t want to still have feelings for him. I wanted to be over him.
But it was so, so hard.
And Lee…I really didn’t want to put him in the middle of all this. Mostly because I had the feeling he’d pick me. But he wasn’t who I wanted to see right now. He wasn’t who I needed to be around.
I leaned forward onto the steering wheel, kneading my forehead with my knuckles.
I felt like such a mess.
But I still wasn’t about to cry over him. Not if I could help it.
I jerked when someone rapped on my window. Levi stood outside, the collar on his jacket turned up, hair tousled, smiling at me.