Finding Evan

by Lisa Swallow

  “C’mon, Jared, you can take me out tonight.” She grabs Jared’s jacket and throws it at him. He takes the jacket and follows her, looking confused. Maybe she has got the measure of him.

  The door slams behind them and I look to Evan. He’s pale; the haunted look he carried last year is back. Surely not just because of me? But how can I help if I don’t know what’s going on with him? His eyes are wary as he hovers in the doorway. I cross my arms and rest against the kitchen bench.

  “Hey, Ness…”

  “Sober today?”

  Evan stares at the ground. “Sorry.”

  “For?”

  “Being a dickhead.”

  I laugh softly. “Glad you’re admitting it.”

  He turns his gaze back to me, the open honesty in his eyes pulling me to him. “I shouldn’t have accused you of something like that. Sorry.”

  “So you believe me?”

  “Yes.”

  “You don’t sound so sure.”

  Evan rubs his face with his hands, pushes his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want to fuck this up, Ness.”

  I’ve thought about his behavior a lot since the other night. Tried to figure out how the guy I tell I love everyday can so easily accuse me of wanting someone else. I know he’s insecure, but this is stupid. I was ready to be furious with him, even tell him to back off completely. But now that I’m with him, I see the broken Evan is here. And I want to fix us.

  I drop my shoulders, giving in to how much I love this guy. “Okay. Let’s talk.”

  ***

  EVAN

  Ness takes a beer from the bench and passes the bottle to me. Then she takes one of her own, before sitting at the dining table. Her hands shake as she opens the bottle, worrying me further. Is this the end? All I wanted to do since I walked through the door is hold her. Explain about stupid Dani.

  “What’s going on with you?” she asks, fixing me with a tired look.

  “Going on?”

  Ness sighs. “No more secrets. Tell me what’s happening and why you’re hiding stuff from me again.”

  My scalp prickles as I meet her expectant look. This wasn’t what I expected when I came here. Anger, fights, recriminations. But Ness sees through me, as she always does. I wasn’t going to do this now. Tell her. A memory of the day Ness discovered Lucy’s phone calls, and how that turned everything to shit, pushes me to open my mouth. But a different voice inside screams at me not to say the words. Because as soon as Ness knows, I can’t deny Faye is part of my life again.

  I twist the bottle in my hands. “I thought we were going to talk about the other night?”

  “The other night is part of what’s happening, isn’t it? Drunk Evan? Old Evan.” She pauses. “The girl.”

  “I wasn’t planning on doing anything, Ness. I went back to see Matt after I saw you…with Ollie. Yeah, I had more to drink, but I could only think about you. I’m not interested in one-night stands with random girls. The day you kissed me was the day I never wanted another girl.”

  The words flood out, unspoken but circling in my mind for the past few days. There’s so much more I want to say, but can’t. Such as, I think she needs to explain why she shut down on me so easily. I want to ask her why she’s pushing me away. I know I’m not being honest with her about my situation, but if I felt closer to her, maybe it would be easier to say something. I don’t know. I’m so fucking confused.

  “I believe you,” she says, “because I have more faith and trust in you than you obviously have in me.”

  “I do trust you.”

  “Then why are you accusing me of things? With Ollie? Do you really think that little of me?” she says, voice barely audible.

  “The night I went away and you went to the MedSoc thing…when I saw Ollie the next day, he acted strangely – avoided looking at me and stuff. And said I should ask you. As if somethingdid happen between you.”

  “Nothing happened! I just got really drunk and he had to bring me home. I could hardly stand up.”

  “But if you were really drunk, did you…I mean…I don’t know. Why did he come and see you the next day?”

  “Because he’s my friend and he was concerned about me!”

  I inhale, drink, and pick at the label on my bottle.

  “Evan?”

  I fix my eyes on hers. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

  “You’re wrong, and even if you were right, I don’t want him. I want you. Evan, you have to understand I can’t deal with you doubting me like this. Or reacting like you did.”

  “Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way,” I say.

  “What doesn’t?”

  In my days away from Ness, thoughts have circled around my mind. I know we’re not holidaying in Europe anymore, but I feel the gap between us is bigger than just the one I’ve created.

  “Once in a while, I feel as if you don’t want me to get close to you. You can be so cold sometimes.” I don’t know if I should say this, scared of upsetting her, but she always criticizes me for keeping things hidden.

  She stares at the table and I wince, waiting for her to get upset. “I can’t help it; I’ve always held back from people. I guess it’s a family thing.”

  I reach a hand across the table. “Family things that affect the ability to open up to other people? Sounds familiar.”

  Ness looks away, and I don’t think she entirely agrees with me.

  “Okay, if nothing happened apart from you getting drunk, I believe you and I’m sorry,” I say.

  Her silence panics me; please don’t let her come clean when I’ve just reassured myself I was wrong. Why won’t she meet my eyes?

  “Okay. Something else happened…not to do with Ollie. I wasn’t going to tell you because it’s nothing.”

  “What? What happened?”

  The color drains from Ness’s face and her hand trembles further. “I got drunk. This guy came onto me when I could hardly stand up.”

  Adrenaline spikes my heart rate. “What do you mean came onto you?”

  Her eyes tear up, and I don’t know if I want to hear this. “He wouldn’t take no for an answer. Got physical with me. Ollie interrupted.”

  Ollie just went up in my estimation. “Physical. How physical?”

  She shakes her head and stares at her hands. “Nothing bad.”

  “Of course it was bad! If he put his hands on you!”

  “I shouldn’t have got so drunk…”

  Is she defending him? “Doesn’t matter how drunk you were.” A thought crosses my mind. “Was he a med student? Have you seen him since?”

  The head shaking continues and a tear drips onto the table. Shit. This has to be worse than she’s telling me. I kneel on the floor so I can see her face. “Ness, why didn’t you say anything?”

  I’m juggling my mounting fury and tearing heart. Someone hurt Ness. And if I find the scum, I’ll fucking hurt them too.

  “I’d rather forget what happened. It was nothing.”

  “Stop saying that.”

  “It wasn’t like he raped me or anything…”

  Relief edges in, but the anger doesn’t edge out. “I hope Ollie fucking punched him.”

  Ness scrubs away a tear. “Like that would’ve helped.”

  I sit back on my heels and a realization washes over me. “This is my fault.”

  “What?”

  “I wasn’t there.”

  “No, Evan, that’s a stupid way of thinking about the situation.”

  “I wasn’t there. I let you down.”

  Ness touches my face. “No, really. This is one of the reasons why I didn’t want to tell you, because I knew you’d react like this. That you’d blame yourself for not being around, and I don’t want that. It’s over with. Done. These things happen.”

  I stare at her, mouth open. “How can you say this? Make what he did sound okay?”

  Ness chews a nail. She never chews her nails. “Because I didn’t move when he started…touching me. I froze. He pr
obably got the wrong idea.”

  Something in Ness’s face, and the faraway look in her green eyes, hits me. “This. Has something happened before?”

  Propping her head on her hand, elbow on the table, Ness studies me. “Last year, when we met. Why didn’t I like you?”

  “There were lots of reasons.”

  She smiles weakly. “When you said you forgot about having sex with girls, I nearly threw up.”

  “That was your interpretation! You know now what you thought wasn’t true.”

  “Well, you were right about my opinion on men. Especially ones like the Evan I thought you were. Because I’ve come across them before. No respect for women.”

  I close my eyes against being put in the same category as the guy who did this to Ness. “That isn’t me, Ness. And I’ve never touched a girl who’s said no…”

  “I know you wouldn’t.” She touches my cheek.

  “This happened before? With someone like that scum?”

  Leaning back in her chair, Ness crosses her arms tightly across her chest. “When I was fifteen, I thought I was all grown up. Me and Abby used to get drunk. Very drunk. And then we hung out with older guys.”

  She watches me warily and I can see what’s coming. “One of them attacked you?”

  “Not exactly. He hassled me to have sex all the time and I thought I shouldn’t say no. Because then he’d think I was a stupid little girl and tell everyone.”

  “Ness…”

  “He didn’t do much, we didn’t have sex, but he did more than I wanted. After that, I stopped drinking, or hanging out with guys like him.” She fixes me with her green eyes. “Guys who are only interested in girls for sex.”

  The uptight Vanessa I met last year suddenly makes more sense. “No wonder you hated me when I didn’t get in touch after our first night.”

  Ness shakes her head. “I made the choice.” She looks back to me. “I was in control.”

  The room falls silent; I’ve no idea what to say. My blood pumps heat to my face and anger into my limbs. Two guys, both who hurt Ness.

  “Do you blame me?” she asks in a small voice.

  “What?”

  “You look really pissed off. But I froze – couldn’t stop him.”

  “Get the idea out of your head. If anything, you saying this upsets me. You thinking you deserved this somehow.”

  Ness drinks, picking at the edge of her sleeve. How shit do I feel? Look at what I’m doing. Again. Giving myself to the wrong person because Lucy refuses to let go. When the person who matters is sitting here feeling let down by her asshole boyfriend. The realization is blinding and I hold my head in my hands, trying to process how much I’m fucking things up.

  “What’s happening, Evan?”

  I look up at Ness, her downturned mouth. After the way I’ve let her down and the way she just opened up to me, I have to do this. Say the words that connect my two worlds together.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You. Us. Everything is back to being so hard, and so soon. Okay, me not being able to tell you about what happened – that’s wrong of me. But how can I talk to you when I feel like you’re pushing me away?” She pauses. “I know something is going on and I’m hurt because you won’t tell me.”

  Did I learn nothing last year? Leeds and life here is a physical escape from the past, but my mind never leaves the times behind. Not speaking to Ness about the Faye situation is leading us down the same path.

  I slump back in the chair and rub my hands over my face, before fixing my gaze on the tasseled lampshade above the table. I’ve rehearsed the lines, but now my mind is empty.

  “Lucy found our mother,” I tell the lampshade, not Ness.

  “Oh, my God, Evan. When?”

  Looking back to Ness, her haunted expression has turned to one of wide-eyed concern. “Last month.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispers, grasping hold of my hand. “Why carry this on your own?”

  I shake my head, unable to give her the answer because I don’t a hundred percent know myself.

  “Have you seen her?”

  “No.”

  Ness’s eyes widen further at the strength of my tone. “Has Lucy?”

  “Yes.”

  Ness squeezes my fingers. “I don’t know what to say. You should’ve told me. How do you feel?”

  “The fact I didn’t tell you answers your question. I don’twant to feel anything. I wish Lucy had never found her, and if I pretend long enough, maybe I’ll convince myself this isn’t happening.”

  “Evan, you can’t bury this forever.”

  “I can try.”

  “Is this what’s been happening? You hiding this from me?”

  “No, I’m hiding everything from myself by not talking to you about this mess. Faye doesn’t belong in the beautiful world I share with you. I won’t let her in. This wasn’t about you. But yeah, I know I’ve fucked up again by lying…”

  Ness pulls her chair around towards mine and places her hands on my legs, looking me in the face. “I wish you’d told me before. We can mend cracks like this, but if you leave them to grow, everything we have will break apart. And I don’t want that happening. Evan, I love you; please don’t shut me out when you need me.”

  “I’m learning.”

  This is all I can say without breaking down in front of her from the relief there’s still an us, and the fear of what will happen now that I’ve delved back into the closed off part of my mind. Sucking in a breath, holding in my pain, I wrap my arms around Ness and pull her onto my lap, burying my face into her neck. Holding her, relieved. Ness winds her arms around my waist and we sit in silence; the warmth and comfort of the us I almost threw away soothing me.

  Chapter Fourteen

  NESS

  I reach out a hand for Evan, but he isn’t in the bed. Rubbing my eyes, I look around the room. His T-shirt is on the floor besides the bed, and I pick it up and bury my face into his scent.

  Following his admission last night, I’m not sure what to do or say. Why would he not want to see his mum? He needs to; he’s closing himself down trying to cope with this.

  Evan appears in the doorway carrying a plate in one hand and two mugs in the other. His hair sticks in several directions, wearing just jeans and the evidence he spends so much time in the gym in his toned chest and arms. I want him back in my bed now.

  “Are you checking me out, Miss Armstrong?” he asks with a mock gasp.

  “Yes.”

  He grins and puts the plate and cups on my drawers. “Want a closer look?”

  I giggle and wriggle under the bedclothes as he slides into bed next to me. Leaning over, he pushes hair from my face and kisses me softly on the forehead. “I hate fighting, Ness, but can’t deny the make-up sex is awesome.”

  I place a hand on his chest. “You promised we’d go out somewhere today. If you start this now, we’ll never leave the house.”

  “Oh, okay.” Evan draws me to him and I lie against the chest I admired moments ago; his heart thumps against my cheek. He strokes my arm with feather-light touches, the way he does when he’s distracted.

  “I think you should see her,” I tell him.

  His touch stops. “Who?”

  “Your mum. Even if you only see her once. I can see how this is eating you.”

  I can’t see his expression from where I’m lying, and he winds his arms around me, squeezing. “I don’t know.”

  “Now she’s found; she can’t be lost.” Evan shifts and I turn to face him. “I can come with you?”

  “No!”

  “Wow, okay. Sorry…”

  Evan sits and picks up the two mugs, passing me one. “You know why I don’t want to see her? Because I don’t want another Lucy.”

  “How do you know she’s like Lucy?”

  “Lucy gave me her number and guess what?”

  I shake my head, but I know what he’s about to say.

  “She keeps calling me. Only a couple of
times, but enough to bring back all the shit from last year.”

  Evan’s mind is back to last year, eyes vacant. “This isn’t last year. You’re different. Stronger.” I touch his face. “You’re not alone with any of this.”

  “But you understand why I don’t want to see the woman who left me as a five-year-old and never got in touch again.”

  The hardness to his voice isn’t what I expected, but this is Evan. Evan who packages up his emotions and buries them. And the little boy he’s talking about is inside.

  “Your Dad never explained why?”

  “No. It was as if she never existed. I wish she didn’t. I wish she’d died.”

  I can’t voice my shock at his words. Surely, he can’t mean this? “She does, Evan. And look at the effect this is having on you by not dealing with the situation. And if you don’t, it will have an effect on us eventually.”

  The new pain in his life already has. His out-of-nowhere insecurity about Ollie; the fear I’ll leave him and hurt him. Evan must be able to see the connection?

  “Maybe. I’ll think about it.”

  “What has Lucy told you about her?”

  Evan rubs his forehead. “Not much. I don’t want to know.”

  “Is she…like Lucy?”

  “I don’t know. I think this is one of the reasons I don’t want her to know me. What if she is?”

  “It doesn’t matter; she won’t be your responsibility.”

  Evan is silent for a few minutes, drinking his coffee. I poke him. “What are you thinking?”

  He turns to me, the lopsided Evan-grin back, thoughts of his mum evidently pushed aside. “I was thinking about having a shower. With you.”

  ***

  NESS

  The following Sunday, we drive out to a pub in the town we went to on our first date. Something about going there lifts Evan’s spirits every time, and I love that we’re going somewhere so connected to great memories of ‘us’. Since we spoke last weekend, the times we were together, we didn’t revisit what happened. So there’s still much unspoken. Evan’s revelation about his mum nags at my thoughts. I’m worried for him and for what it means for us.

  Round wooden tables and leather-covered stools fill the pub, and an open fire burns in a vast fireplace, blasting our cold faces with warm air as we walk inside. Paintings of local scenes adorn the walls, rather than the posters for bands and student nights stuck to the walls of our usual haunts. The place is a mix of tourists and locals, and we’re lucky to find a spare seat.