by Amira Rain
I paused to catch my breath, and Grayson immediately spoke.
"He'd have you be killed anyway, Rowan. He'd have you stay here with him in Shadowfen, right in the midst of constant danger, where you'll ventually be hurt or killed.”
"That's a lie!"
Chase had roared his words, startling me and making me jump.
He continued on in a low, menacing tone, glaring at Grayson. "That's a damned lie, and you know it. I'll never allow her to be hurt. Not here in Shadowfen, and not anywhere. I'll protect her always."
Grayson returned Chase's glare. "Oh, I believe you'd try, but you can't guarantee that here."
Chase scoffed. "Same as you couldn't guarantee that, if you were to take her to set up a new village near Ashcrest. Neither of us can see into the future, Grayson. Danger can be anywhere. And maybe the threat of tragedy would even be highest in a place where danger wouldn't be regularly expected.
“Here, at least we're always on guard. Here, at least our lives mean something. We're protectors, remember? We're men of honor. We're supposed to be, anyway. That's what makes us different from the other wolves. Though I think some of us have forgotten that."
Grayson scowled at Chase briefly before doing some wild lunge around me to get to him.
Without even taking my hand off Chase's hard chest, I used my other hand to push against Grayson's chest with all my might. "No!"
Grayson stepped back, still scowling. "It's fine, Rowan. He's not worth my time to take out anyway. Soon you'll realize he doesn't have your best interests at heart. Soon you'll realize that I'm right to want to move the pack to a place of safety."
Chase snorted. "A place of safety, or a place of cowardice?"
Instantly guessing what Grayson's reaction to this comment would be, I pushed on his chest again. "Don't you dare. Not one single move."
Looking above my head to Chase's face, Grayson folded his arms across his chest, glowering. "You call wanting to protect the woman I love cowardice, Chase? That's fine. You can call it whatever you want. Rowan will soon realize that your brand of bravery is more like recklessness and lack of concern for her safety. It's as if you don't truly love her at all."
I glanced at Chase, ready for things to escalate, just then noticing that the pack members were still standing around, many of them with eyes widened, clearly enjoying the spectacle of their two alphas fighting.
Irritated that they hadn't had the decency to quietly disperse, I addressed them all. "All of you, move along! Give us some privacy...please!"
They all immediately did, jumping-to and striding down the lane to their cabins, some of them in human form and some still in wolf form.
I turned my attention back to Grayson and Chase, glancing between the two of them and finally daring to take my hands from their chests. "So, I take it your little cease-fire about this issue has ended. Fine. If you want to further discuss it, you're going to do it like grown men, not children. No fighting. Is that clear?"
They both dipped their heads in the most marginal of nods, and I continued.
"Good. Now, anything further either of you has to say, please say it civilly."
With his dark hair glinting in the sun, Grayson turned his gaze from Chase to me, his scowl softening. "All I have left to say is that this will never stop, Rowan. These wolf attacks. They'll never, ever stop as long as you live here in Shadowfen."
Chase snorted, folding his arms across his chest, mirroring Grayson's pose. "To an extent, maybe that's true. I'm sure there will always be wolf packs coming through these parts looking for trouble. But it won't always be how it's been the past month or two. We've taken out the Bloodfurs and two other packs recently.
“Our scouts say the area is now clear. We might have peace for a time. And in the long-term, as our pack continues to keep the area safe, and as we take out more packs one at a time, I expect that the times of peace will start to become more frequent than the times of trouble. There will be more times of stability as we continue to protect the people who live in this area. Though, if we were to withdraw now, many people would die, and you know this, Grayson."
Grayson narrowed his stormy gray eyes at Chase. "My primary concern is Rowan and her safety."
"As is mine. Though, it's also a concern of mine to remain a man of honor, worthy of her love. Do you even know the meaning of the word honor?"
Grayson glared at Chase, the faintest of growls rumbling in his chest, a menacing sound completely at odds with the sound of birdsong coming from the tall trees all around us. I could sense another fight coming on, despite what I'd said, and I wasn't about to let that happen. I loved the two men standing beside me, and obviously, I didn't want either of them to be hurt. Especially when what they were fighting about, as it pertained to me, was completely pointless. It was time to put a stop to things.
I glanced between the two men I loved, taking a deep breath. "Enough. This is all completely pointless. And it's time I told you both why."
*
I was ready. It was time. I wasn't going to get a last couple of hours with Grayson and Chase, let alone forty-eight hours, but that was fine. Considering how long I'd kept my infertility a secret from them, I didn't deserve even another minute with them. I knew it. Now my deception had even made them physically fight. I couldn't stand it.
With my stomach in knots, I glanced between the two of them. "I want to tell you both why this whole argument about moving the pack, or not moving the pack, and how me and my safety all factors into it, is completely pointless."
Grayson nodded. "I already understand why it is, and I completely agree. If you get pregnant soon, it's already been agreed that you'll accept the father of the baby as your mate for life, so naturally, you'll go wherever he goes, or stays, whether that's a new village near Ashcrest, or right here in Shadowfen.
“But as far as any of us knows, you're not pregnant yet. Until you are, I think you should be able to make your own choice if you'd like, whether you'd like to go with me and the pack, or stay here in the midst of danger with Chase and anyone that would like to stay with him. Chase, do you agree with this?"
Chase nodded. "Yes. I completely agree, actually. Until she becomes pregnant, Rowan is free to make her own choice as to which of us she'd like to take as her mate for life. In fact, I think this is better than simply letting fate take its course and make the decision for us all, as we previously agreed. As much as it kills me to say this, I think neither of us should make love to Rowan, risking a pregnancy with a man that fate chooses, until she's made her mind up as to which of us she wants to take as her mate for life."
Grayson unclenched his strong jaw to speak. "All right. It's decided then. The pack will be split. I'll lead all those who choose to go with me toward a new village we'll establish near Ashcrest. Whoever wishes to remain with you here, may do so."
Chase took a small step around me, toward Grayson. "And what if Rowan doesn't choose you? Will you still go to establish a new village near Ashcrest?"
"Yes. If she doesn't choose me, why would I want to stay here?"
"All right, then. It's settled. We'll give this a week. Then, Rowan will give us her decision. Until then, we'll both continue to defend Shadowfen as we both swore to do as long as we lived here."
Grayson nodded. "Agreed."
There was a long pause, then Chase asked me if everything was agreeable to me as well. But that was the wrong question to ask me right then. While the two of them had been talking, I'd been growing increasingly irritated, angry even, at the way they'd made all the decisions and plans without even consulting me. I was angry about the way they'd spoken about me. As if I weren't an actual person, just a piece of property who happened to be standing there.
I looked at Chase, fuming. "You want to know if all this is agreeable to me, huh? Well, all I can say is it's about time one of you asked me what I think. You know what I think? From the two of you brawling like boys in the schoolyard, to the two of you talking as if I wasn't even here just
now, I think I'm sick of dealing with the both of you today.
“Right now, I just want to be left alone. I mean that. Follow me at your own risk." With that, I turned on my heel and began stalking back across the lane and up the walk to my cabin, arms folded tightly across my chest. "The two of you can start fighting again for all I care. Go ahead and rip each other to shreds."
That wasn't what I really wanted, obviously, but then again, I was so angry and frustrated, part of me didn't care what the hell they did right then. If they started fighting again, I didn't think I'd be so quick to try to break it up.
After slamming my cabin door behind me, I peeked out the glass just to see if they were going to fight again, but it didn't seem at all like they were. Once they'd exchanged a few more words, both of them appearing fairly calm and composed, Grayson shifted into wolf form and stalked into the forest, while Chase, still in human form, began striding down the lane to his cabin, his expression serious, though not grim.
Still irritated at them both, I stomped out to the living room and sank down on the couch. It was only then that I realized that Grayson had cut me off from making my long-delayed confession. This frustration, combined with the frustration I'd already been feeling, instantly made tears spring to my eyes for some reason. Everything was hopeless. At least, that was the way I felt.
I was almost glad I was infertile and wouldn't have to actually make a choice between Chase and Grayson, because I had no idea who I'd choose. Despite their behavior that day, I loved them both. Whether I had to write them each letters about my deception before heading back to Greenleaf, or what, I was going to tell them soon. I'd make things easy for them, by taking myself out of the whole splitting-of-the-pack upheaval.
But for the time being, I just wanted to cry, and so I did. I buried my face in my hands and cried for I didn't even know how long. At least several minutes before I began dozing off, curled up on the couch, profoundly tired, more from mental stress than from any physical exertion I'd done that day, I was sure.
When I awoke after maybe a half-hour, I had two texts on my phone, one from Chase, and one from Grayson. They were both sorry for talking about me as if I weren't there, and they both professed their love for me. Grayson ended his text by saying that over the next week, he was going to convince me that choosing him as my mate for life and moving to a place of safety was the best decision I could make.
Frustrated and tearful again, despite my battery-recharging rest, I tossed my phone onto an overstuffed chair near the couch. I considered taking a truck and heading back to Greenleaf without even leaving letters of explanation for Chase and Grayson but quickly dismissed the idea. That would be the coward's way out, and I'd already been a coward for long enough.
Not having the guts to tell Chase and Grayson about my deception weeks earlier, was the whole reason I was in the mess I was currently in, and I knew it. Not to mention that if I left Shadowfen by myself, Skye would be worried sick about me, even if I told her beforehand what was going on. The main road leading to Greenleaf had been the site of many wolf attacks on vehicles in the past week or so, which she knew, and which was another concern of mine.
Part of me wanted to head back to Greenleaf and just be done with it, but not at the expense of my life.
Mere moments after I'd tossed my phone on the chair, it began ringing, and I went over to the chair and grabbed it warily, expecting it to be Grayson or Chase. Instead, it was Skye, saying that Chase had already been over to Flora and Hunter's and had told them everything, and in turn, Flora had told her everything.
"First off, Flora and I both want to know if you're okay. Are you?"
I heaved a sigh, sinking back down on the couch. "Yes. I'm fine. But...not really, though."
"Don't know who you're going to pick to be your mate for life?"
I sighed again, pulling my long hair over my shoulder. "It doesn't even matter. Doesn't even matter who I'd pick and who I wouldn't."
Like I even knew who I would or wouldn't pick. I admired Chase's dedication to protecting the people near Shadowfen, but there was something about Grayson's determination to keep me safe no matter what, that had kind of swayed my heart toward him earlier, even while I'd been angry and irritated. Despite what Grayson had said, I knew that they both loved me, they both wanted to keep me safe, and they both had my best interests at heart. But like I'd just told Skye, it didn't even matter.
She hesitated before responding. "You mean...it doesn't even matter because you won't be making a decision? Meaning, one has already been made for you? As in, you think you might already be pregnant?"
I sighed for what felt like the millionth time. "No. I'm not pregnant. And I never will be."
"Just not until after you choose a mate, though, you mean. Not to get all into your business, but Chase alluded to the fact that all 'activities' will be ceasing until you make your choice. So, yes, maybe it will be a little longer now before you get pregnant. But look at it in a positive way. Now when you do get pregnant, it will be with the man you've specifically chosen to be your mate for life.
“Isn’t that just a bit more special than the way things were supposed to go? With you being purchased at a damned auction and then mated to whichever man just happened to get you pregnant first?"
Tearful yet again, I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "Skye, I'm sorry, but I just can't talk about this anymore."
She was right. It would have been a bit more special to choose my mate for life and have a baby with that man. If I could actually get pregnant. If all my deceit wasn't about to come crashing down on me. But it was, because I was going to make it so. Sure, I realized that I'd come this far, I could just continue on with my deception even longer. Months, maybe even a year or two before the man I picked to be my mate for life suspected something was up. Except that I knew I couldn't. My conscience wouldn't let me.
After I said I couldn't talk about the topic at hand anymore, Skye immediately apologized. "I understand. Me and my big mouth. I called to comfort you, and here I am going on and on when you probably just want time to think. I'll leave you to it, but...do you want any company while you think? Flora and I had a thought to come over with some strawberry-rhubarb pie if you wanted some. We could just sit and visit and talk about things other than you-know-what if you wanted."
The thought was tempting. However, I knew I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself because of you-know-what, and I'd probably be lousy company. Besides, I had such a strong urge right then to tell Skye and Flora what was going on, that I was almost afraid to be near them in person for fear that I'd suddenly spill my guts. Which I knew was not right. Chase and Grayson deserved to know about my deception first.
I also didn't want Skye and Flora to come over for a different reason. I'd made up my mind that I was going to send Grayson and Chase a text immediately, asking them to come over. Then, I was going to tell them the truth. Finally. Come what may.
I declined Skye's offer with thanks, telling her that I'd gladly take her and Flora up on that pie and a visit some other time. Like when I'm soon back in Greenleaf, missing everyone like crazy, I thought.
Soon Skye and I hung up, and I went out on the porch for a bit of fresh air and sunshine while I composed my text to Chase and Grayson. Lord only knew, my spirits and my courage needed bolstering right then.
Several minutes later, after numerous stops and starts, I'd finished the text, which read: Wherever the both of you are, please come back to my cabin as soon as you can. I have something very important to tell you both, and it cannot wait a minute longer. And when you both arrive, just let me speak. Please. I have to get this out before there are any interruptions. Please know that I love you both.
I stared at the text, slowly scrolling through it, for at least a minute before hitting send. I'd done it. It was happening. There was no backing out now. The truth was coming out.
After pocketing my phone, I sat back in the porch rocker and looked out at the sun-dappled evergreens across th
e lane, slightly tearful yet again. I figured I'd better get used to it. There were soon to be many more tears in my immediate future, I was sure of it.
Just then, Rose came around the side of the house, Jack on her shoulder, and her tall walking stick tapping on the flagstones. Over the past several weeks, since she'd saved Skye and me with her magic, I'd become close to Rose and very fond of her. She'd given up drinking permanently, making her personality much more pleasant, which had endeared her to many people in the village.
I didn't think it was any coincidence that her giving up alcohol for good had come right after everyone had started believing in her psychic abilities and magical powers after she'd turned Richard, the Bloodfur's alpha, into a fireball. I suspected she'd been using drinking for years as a way to try to forget about the fact that nobody believed in her or her abilities.