Blinding Trust

by Jennifer Foor

  “It’s cancer, isn’t it?”

  I was so shocked that I didn’t know how to answer. We’d never mentioned that word to him. “Why would you think that?”

  “Well, I didn’t know what Oncologist meant, so I looked it up. It said that it’s a cancer doctor. So, I’m askin’ you man to man. Does mom have it?”

  How was I supposed to answer him. If he was old enough to go looking for answers, he was old enough to handle the truth. Savanna was going to be upset, but I couldn’t lie to my son. “That’s why she had surgery. The doctor went in and removed the cancer.”

  He started to sniffle and I watched him wipe his face. “Is she goin’ to die?”

  It hit me hard. I’d prayed to God every single night, begging him to save her. How was I supposed to put Noah’s mind at ease, when I feared the same fate? “No!”

  He shook his head and started crying louder. “This is all my fault. I made her sad and she got sick.”

  I reached over and shook him gently. “Noah, this had nothin’ to do with you. People don’t get cancer because they’re sad. You didn’t do this, son. I promise you that.”

  “So it’s gone? They took it out and she’s goin’ to be okay?”

  I turned down the volume to the game to give Noah my full attention. “They removed the mass that contained the cancer, yes. Your mom will still need to receive a special treatment to be sure they got everything out. She might get sick and we’re goin’ to need to make sure we do everything we can to help her out.”

  He looked down at his hands. “Is she goin’ to be okay?”

  “Yeah, buddy. I think she’s goin’ to be fine.”

  Noah smiled. “I don’t want to lose her, Dad.”

  I put my arm around Noah. “You’re not! It’s our love that’s goin’ to help her get better. As long as she knows she has us, she’ll be alright.”

  “I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll help wash clothes and do the dishes. I’ll feed the horses and do all my chores.”

  “I know you will.”

  Noah was a good boy and I was proud that he wanted to do whatever it took to help out his mother. I never doubted the way he felt about her. “We can’t tell your sisters.”

  He nodded. “I know. They won’t understand.”

  After a few moments of silence, I turned back on the game like our conversation hadn’t even happened. Noah sat back against the couch and did the same. My son was more and more like me every day.

  When I finally climbed into bed, Savanna was nestled in between a bunch of pillows. I’d waited days to be able to sleep in the same bed as her, so I removed the ones that were separating us and cuddled up against her. Her body was so warm and I was careful not to touch her near the bandage.

  She stirred, but didn’t wake up like she normally would have. Her pain medication was strong and it was exactly what she needed to let her body recover.

  Savanna was always hardheaded when she was injured or sick. She’d push herself until she made things worse. This surgery was serious and we couldn’t take the chance of making her go back into the hospital. Her safety was up to me to control, so it was necessary for me to be there for her until she was able to take care of herself.

  I was trying to be everything that she needed, even without her asking.

  While she slept so soundly, I laid there next to her watching. She was so beautiful to me. I didn’t care about a scar, or the way she would look with a double mastectomy. She was my everything and nothing could ever taint the way I felt about her. If anything, I loved her more for being so strong.

  Savanna had been home for four days when we got the call that Amy was in labor. As excited as we were to have a new addition to our family, I knew we weren’t going to be able to go to North Carolina with the rest of the family. The drive would be too long for Savanna to handle. She needed to be able to readjust herself frequently.

  She cried and pleaded with me to take her, but at the end of the day, I was in charge.

  To make things easier, my mother took the girls with her to visit the new baby. For the first time ever, Noah declined on his invitation to go see Bella. Ever since that day in the hospital, he’d never left her side. I think he believed that if he was with her all of the time, nothing bad could happen. It was both sweet and alarming. I worried that he really feared if he turned his back for a second, she’d be gone. I didn’t want him living his life like that.

  Savanna wasn’t exactly thrilled that I’d told him the truth about her condition. She worried that he wouldn’t understand, but from what I could see, he understood completely.

  Cassandra Elizabeth Healy was born at five o’clock in the morning on a warm summer day. The whole family had gone to welcome the new baby, which they were already calling Cassie. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Conner and Amy had named three of their four children Cammie, Callie, and Cassie. How they would keep that straight was beyond my understanding. I got my kids mixed up and none of their names even started with the same letter.

  Anyway, when my mother got back in town, not only did she bring pictures, but she brought Bella as well. Noah was so happy to have his cousin come and stay with us, that I figured he would forget about helping out. Instead, he surprised me even more. Every morning, he would enlist his cousin to help out with chores. Before they disappeared to play together, he would make sure everything was taken care of.

  He was a blessing and without him, I think I would have set myself crazy.

  Bella was great to have around. The girls thought she was the best thing since sweet tea. They followed her around and begged her to play with them instead of Noah.

  Ty and Miranda called every night to talk to their daughter. Savanna would stay on the phone with them catching up each time. She was getting bored and I knew she would be itching to go somewhere as soon as she got the okay from her doctor. We’d been going out to the grocery store and other local places, but she wanted to get to North Carolina to see her new niece. Pictures were never enough for my wife. Besides, she wanted to take her own.

  On the day she got the go-ahead, we made plans to go out of town. Her radiation was set to begin that next week and it was important for her to travel when she wasn’t feeling ill. The doctor had informed us that her treatment was more for a preventative and it would be ‘low-grade’, as opposed to the intense treatment that other people require. He informed her that she probably wouldn’t lose her hair and that she may only have flu like symptoms.

  We knew that every person handles things differently, so we packed up the kids, including Bella and made the long drive to North Carolina.

  Our first stop was Conner and Amy’s house. Noah unhooked his sister and before Savanna and I could get out of the truck, the kids were running into the house. Amy was sitting in the rocking chair feeding the new baby when we walked in. Savanna rushed over and hugged her and then took a peek at our newest cousin. “Oh my goodness, she’s so pretty!” Savanna was all smiles and I loved seeing her that way.

  Since Amy was breastfeeding, I opted to wait until she was back to decent. I waved from afar. “Where’s Conner?”

  “They’re out at the barn working on some engine.” She whispered.

  “I reckon I’ll just go look for them.” I walked out of the house and noticed that my kids had already found their cousins. They were out back playing in the fort Conner and Ty had built for them. The girls were on the swings, while Josh and Noah were up high looking through a scope. Noah was showing him something.

  Conner and Ty were both on the ground out in front of the barn. They were covered in dirt and grease. “What the hell are you two doin’?”

  “What does it look like, you old cocksucker?” Conner stood up and brushed off his pants.

  Ty stayed on the ground. This was the first time I’d seen him since we’d fought in my front yard. We’d spoken, but it wasn’t the same as being in the same space. I nodded to him and he gave me a flip look and kept at what he was doing. “How’d she do
on the ride?”

  I should have known that the first words out of his mouth would be about my wife. “She’s good. I think she’s stiff, but it ain’t like she’d admit it.”

  Finally Ty stood up and held out his hand to shake mine. “Are we good?”

  I shook his hand. “Yeah, we’re good.”

  Conner stood between us and put a hand on both of our shoulders. “Now that we got that settled, let’s go have a beer.”

  We walked into the old barn, where we played pool and cards with the family. Ty pulled three beers out of the refrigerator. We all popped the tops and took a drink of the cold goodness. “Is she upset about the radiation?”

  “I think she’s more anxious.” I leaned against the pool table. “I can’t blame her. We all just want to put this shit behind us. It’s been so hard.”

  “She told me you hate being Mr. Mom.” Ty started laughing. “Do you wear an apron while you vacuum?”

  Conner chimed in. “He only wears an apron. Can you see him with a feather duster?” They both started laughing at me.

  I shook my head and took another swig of beer. “I just got here! Can’t you act right for ten minutes?”

  They looked at each other and answered at the same time. “No!”

  I just shook my head. There was no changing them and since they spent all of their time together, they even thought alike. It was disturbing.

  We spent the next hour shooting the shit and talking about the new baby. Since neither of them could be serious for more than five minutes, I felt like I was babysitting, instead of hanging out.

  In some ways I was jealous that the two of them had fun all of the time. I took my life and my family serious. I didn’t have time to fool around. Somehow, they managed to make it work.

  In celebration of our visit, we barbequed at Conner’s house. After stuffing our faces with fried chicken, steaks and every kind of side item that the girls could think of, we sat around a campfire out back. The kids had long sticks for roasting marshmallows. I held Addy on my lap, while Christian and Noah managed their own sticks. Every one of those kids caught their marshmallow on fire except Christian. She took her time, browning it to a perfect hue. Jax and Jake took their first ones and caught them on fire just to be able to fling them in the field. Of course, where they fell was dry and soon caught fire. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Conner hadn’t sat bales of hay on the field edge. Once it reached one of the bales, we had a huge bonfire. While the women frantically counted the kids, we managed to wet the entire surrounding area. Ty and Conner got a great idea to keep the fire going. They threw wood on it and soon we were further away from the house with flames that were higher than the house.

  Ty’s mother called to check on us. She told him they could see the flames from their house. My two dingbat cousins then let the kids come over to the new fire and roast more marshmallows. However, Jake and Jax were not allowed to have their own sticks. While pouting over it, they decided to start fighting with each other. Soon they were wrestling on the ground. Ty grabbed one of them by the back of their shirt, while Miranda ran up and grabbed the other one.

  I looked over at my wife and saw her smiling back at me. If I knew one thing for sure, it was that she loved this family that we belonged to. She loved all of their crazy quirks and how we were bound by blood and friendship.

  Then I looked up at the night sky and thanked the Lord again for protecting her for me. We were on the road to recovery and I planned on sticking by her until it was over. No matter how long it took, or what we had to go through, she was never going to be doing it alone.

  Chapter 29

  Savanna

  I had been itching to get to North Carolina since before Amy went into labor. Colt had become so protective that he followed every rule by the book. If I had to be stuck in my house for one more day, I was going to have myself committed. I was recovering from the successful removal of a mass, not battling leprosy. Not that body parts actually fall off when you get it, but history does portray it that way.

  Anyway, it was about time the doctor said I could finally travel.

  Amy and Conner’s newest daughter was as pretty as sunshine. She looked just like her other two sisters. Poor Josh was outnumbered and I wouldn’t have recommended him hanging out with Jake and Jax. Those two were Hell on wheels. Ty and Miranda really had their hands full. After they set fire to a hay bale, they managed to catch a baby bunny and tie a piece of thread to it’s tail. How in the world did two five years olds come up with these ideas?

  Conner had invited us to stay at their house, and I think Colt was all for it, considering that our other option was staying with Ty and Miranda. I think he didn’t want the boys anywhere near our girls. It wasn’t that I thought they’d hurt the girls. Christian was a force to be reckoned with when someone made her mad. I was certain she could handle both of them with no problem. Addy was the sensitive one. Everything hurt her feelings and she loved getting people in trouble. Since she’d be sleeping with us anyway, Colt and I agreed to stay with Ty and Miranda. Conner’s house sometimes seemed like a daycare and I didn’t have enough energy yet to deal with it constantly.

  It was getting late and the kids were becoming whiney. Amy took the baby and the little ones in the house and turned on a movie. They’d probably all fall asleep on the floor and we could let them spend the night.

  Noah and Bella were making smores. I looked over and saw them giggling. All of the suddenly, Noah got up and ran into the house like his pants were on fire. Bella giggled again and kept looking at me.

  A few minutes later, Noah came outside carrying a guitar. He handed it to his father and whispered in his ear. Colt smiled and looked right at me, shooting me a wink before he started playing a cord.

  He hadn’t played in a really long time, but seemed to have remembered what he was doing. At first, he just hummed to match the tune of the strings. Then he began to sing a special song, while looking right at me.

  “This life would kill me If I didn’t have you. I couldn’t live without you, baby. I wouldn’t want to. If you didn’t love me so much, I’d never make it through.

  ‘Cuz this life would kill me…This life would kill me if I didn’t have you.”

  It had been so long since Colt sang to me. It literally took my breath away. Noah went over and they started doing medley’s together, but all I could hear was him singing those words to me. My eyes filled with tears and they weren’t from pain or fear. I was blown away by his devotion to me.

  He’d never left my side. When he told me that he wouldn’t, I just expected him to go back to his normal routines in life.

  Instead, he’d dropped everything to be with me.

  I loved being with our family, but after that happened, all I wanted to do was be alone and in his arms. Thunder was rolling across the fields and the sky was flashing with lightning.

  I closed my eyes and thought back to that night where I found Colt in the rain. We’d made love in the mud, with the storm surrounding us. Nothing has ever compared to that night. I knew he was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The truth was, Colt had always taken care of me.

  When the guitar playing stopped, I looked over at Colt. He was giving me that half smile where he knew exactly what I was up to. I blushed and even in the dark I think he knew it.

  My heart was beating fast and I had butterflies in my stomach. Ever since my surgery, I hadn’t been in any kind of mood or condition to be intimate. The closest that we’d come was when he was giving me sponge baths.

  We were focused on each other and it was like the rest of the family disappeared. Colt stood up and sat the guitar down. “If you’ll excuse us, I think I’m goin’ to take my wife on a little walk.”

  “But it’s goin’ to rain.” Noah was concerned. He didn’t understand that we really needed to be alone.

  “I’ll keep your mom dry, son. Go on home with your cousin and we’ll meet you there.” Colt took his arm and put it around my shoulder.<
br />
  We started walking away and the guys were already saying smart comments. “The combines in the west field this time, losers!” Ty had to be the first to comment. I was glad he could joke about that night. It took me a long time to tell him the details of it, since technically we were engaged to each other, at the time.

  “You better hope that lightenin’ doesn’t bite you in your naked ass!” Conner’s deep voice traveled across the field.

  “Ignore them, darlin’.” Colt leaned over and kissed the top of my head.

  Drops of rain were starting to fall as we got further away from the house. “Are you really walking us to the west field?”

  He pulled me along. “You’re damn right I am. Except this time, I know you belong to me.”

  As the rain got heavier, my heart beat faster. Suddenly, I wasn’t the thirty year old mother of three, battling breast cancer. I was the same young girl in that field so long ago. I was that girl who was so insanely in love with a man that nothing else mattered to me. I would have done anything to taste his skin; to kiss those lips and to be naked in that field making love to him.

  I stopped walking, forcing Colt to give me all of his attention. We were now far enough away from the house that only a small light could be seen. I took a couple steps back, leaving Colt watching me. While staring right in his eyes, I started pulling my wet t-shirt off of my body. I held it out in front of me and dropped it on the ground.

  Colt took one step forward and I took two back.

  I reached behind me and unhooked my bra. I was still a little sensitive, plus this was the first time that I’d undressed outside of our bedroom.

  He shook his head as I threw my bra at him. He caught it and watched me take two more steps in the other direction. I think he finally understood what was happening. The more I walked away, the more he followed, picking up my clothes as he moved.

  The rain was coming down harder, causing my makeup and hairspray to run down my face. I wiped it away and pushed my hair back off of my face so I could watch my husband decreasing the space between us. “Darlin’, you’re drivin’ me crazy.”